I don't know if anyone remembers me - I'm still here although I haven't posted for ages. My SIL has Alz, also my father and potentially my ex-partner. I split from from my partner (after 20 years) but not from his sister who I had become very close to.

She (my ex-SIL) has today been 'sectioned' under our mental health act and forcibly removed frome her home. She was (is) completely delusional - constantly attacking neighbours and passersby. We have put so much effort into keeping her in her home, and I know she has to be taken better care of, despite all our efforts over the last eight years.

It is all just so sad - you all have been such a life saver for me over the years, I want to say thank you to you all.

I just hope this 'transition' works well, but I can't stop thinking of the pain of it all at the moment.

I remember you, Georgie,

I hope the authorities will take good care of your ex SIL. It is such a sad thing.

How are YOU?

Love,

Martha

Thanks for replying Martha, that is so lovely of you. How am I - well I'm doing OK now. It is a couple of years since the pressure of the situation forced me to make some hard decisions, I had raging high blood pressure, lots of other serious medical problems, no quality of life, and stress to the max. I actually took a year off work altogether, which was very expensive and a big setback financially but something I needed to do.

I've just recently started a permanent management job (after a year of contracting) and am doing OK, although I'm very wary of the stress that in itself brings - more so my ability to handle it. And being single after a 20 year relationship is very strange, but in my case better than the alternative!!

If we could have gotten residential care for my SIL five (or eight even!) years ago I can't help thinking none of this would have happened. And to have gone through everything we did to give her the care she needed at home, only to have her carted off by the police like some raving nutter (which she pretty much is nowadays) is so heartbreaking. I can only hope she makes a peaceful transition, we have found a place for her in a reputable dementia unit, but while this process has to play out she is locked in the high-security unit for dangerously violent mental patients and I can't bear to think what she is going through.

I was so sorry to hear about your mother, who I think we all came to love, and thanks again for the wonderful support you have been throughout this time. I hope things are going well with you?

love
Georgie

Georgia, I am so sorry to hear all that you have gone through to care for your SIL, father, and Xpartner. I am glad that you have found your grounding again and are going forward with your life. I do understand the health consequences when you give so much of yourself to a situation that you neglect yourself. It sounds like you have a good handle on life now. I watched my grandmother and aunt progress though ALZ. My father now has vascular dementia and my Mom has ALZ so I do understand.

I am truly sorry that your SIL has to go through what she does but hopefully she will be transitioned into a good facility where she will be well cared for.

Welcome back to the forum. I will keep you and your SIL in my thoughts and prayers.

Love, deb

Thanks so much for the reply Deb, you certainly sound as though you have been through the wringer too, it must be awful for you.

An update on SIL - my ex went to visit her (he has POA and I'm not so sure he should given his own problems) and apparently she went through a whole range of reactions: first childlike, didn't know where she was or why and wanted to go home - sad and crying, then very defensive - why was she there?? Apparently she had a conversation with one of the nurses who explained to her about the worries about hygiene and her diet and security. She had an iron-clad defence for all of those things - the reason the house was dirty was because she had to go to the club (that is the day-care we arranged) four days a week when she should have been home cleaning, she always cooks healthy food (she can't cook any more at all and would have lived off ice cream and chocolate if we hadn't taken food around/had it delivered). Then she got very angry, but thankfully not violent, blaming everyone from her cat through to my ex for "putting her away". Apparently that was the most lucid state, in that she understood that the next step would be to put her into a home.

All so so sad, and now we don't know whether to visit or not - according to the nurses she is relatively calm and very much enjoying the meals. I'm kind of thinking she might be better off without visitors for a wee while since anyone who does go to visit will, in her mind, get the blame for her situation and possibly set her into a cycle of rage that doesn't go away.

In the meantime I am looking after her cat, who is grossly overweight due to constant overfeeding. The house is an absolute catastrophe zone, despite her having three hours domestic help a day. Has anyone else come across crumpled up tissues everywhere? They are all over the place, in every drawer and nook and cranny. And that is probably the least of the problem in trying to clear it all out - for one thing she just might come back so we can't wholesale get rid of things at this point.

Anyway, I'm rambling now - I guess I'm very relieved that she is safe and not violent, and still hoping for a peaceful transition despite the evidence to the contrary.

Thanks and love to you all
Georgie

just a quick reply as I am very tired....yes the tissues! and yes the toilet paper, and the tea bags, and the handbags.
all very common fixations from what I have read
Jo

I agree, yes to the tissues, napkins, and paper towels. My grandmother had paper towels, napkins, and tissues everywhere at home and even stuffed under her pillow at the nursing home. My Dad has that same paper obcession but to a lesser degree. My mom on the other hand has to throw ALL paper away, including bank statements and her medical directive (which I fished out of the trash can).

Blaming others is a huge part of dementia. If you and I forget a name we still know the face and realize we have forgotten the name. In dementia there is no consious recognition so they must have never met the person. If you tell them that they have met this person they think YOU are crazy. This can be applied to any situation. They are fine and it is the world around them that has lost touch with reality... their reality! Couple with that the inability to express emotions appropriately and you have explosive situations and bizzare behavior. My Mom blamed everything on Dad for years.... and still does. Her inabilities are not her own but a direct function of what somebody else does or does not do. She sounded so convincing that we believed her for a long time, until it was so obvious that the inabilities were hers that we could not ignore it.

Mom and Dad were living off sweets and cereal just before they moved into AL. Mom refused to eat what the sitter cooked. Dad will eat almost anything put before him but prefers ice cream and chocolate. When we cleaned up Mom and Dad's house I realized that most of the pots were gone or burned. With personal hygeine, Dad never showers and Mom showers several times a day. Dad rarely brushes his teeth yet he will shave several times a day. Each one has their own peculiarities.

I truly hope that your SIL does not go bck home. It sounds like she needs constant care to be safe and well cared for. As for visiting, you have to use your best judgement after several visits. Just because she had a bad reaction once doesn't mean that is what will happen every time. Be observant of how she is reacting, trying to distract her, and don't argue with her. In her reality she is always right. Mom and Dad both enjoy family visits but Mom tends to use visits and phone calls as an opportunity to complain. Never about the one she is with but about everybody else in her life.

Dad was the one that had a difficult transition. Mom seemed to enjoy her new freedom without responsibilities. Somewhere along the line it changed. Dad is happy where he is and doesn't even seem to remember anything except where he is while Mom has become angry and bitter. Each day is an adventure!! At some point you just have to do what is best for them because they don't know what they need. They just know what they think they want which may be exactly what they don't need.

Recently my Mom had one of her "meltdowns" and my sister decided she needed to see a psychologist. His determination was that she was stuck in a fantasy world where she thought she could go back home and be ok. I just slapped my forehead and thought DUH! The lady has ALZ!!! My sister thought he was a genius when she is just displaying typical ALZ thinking. Glad we spent that money to find out what we already knew. Mom got very little from the appointment because she has a documented auditory input cognitive deficiency and went without her hearing aid or her cognitive test results.

I am rambling this morning as well but wanted to let you know that what you are seeing is real and not uncommon. I do wish an easy transition for your SIL. Hopefully she will adjust to her surroundings and find what she needs. I hope you are taking care of yourself Georgia. Your SIL is safe and it is time for you to think of yourself for a while.

Love, deb

Thanks so much for the replies and your advice. Guess what, I went to visit today AND SHE IS FINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She got a little teary-eyed at first and we had the biggest hug. I made a quick change of subject about how beautiful her sweater was, so as not to start off on a "why am I here" tack, and we were able to have a relatively 'normal' conversation. She is still having some paranoid delusions but to a much lesser degree.

The last time I was in a place like this (a very long time ago) it was the stuff of nightmares so I was hugely apprehensive about how SIL would be doing. It turns out the staff are absolutely wonderful - lots of smiling and cuddling and respect for their patients, and all the patients that I saw looked very well taken care of and calm (not zonked out on tranquillisers either - I also checked on her meds and she is not being given anything other than her normal meds). (Remember, this is a high security unit for violent dementia patients!).

I would never have believed it would be possible, and I am so grateful. Apparently (according to other visitors) this is at least the third day in a row that she has been calm. She does have some understanding of where she is, but said that she really quite likes it. Most importantly, she didn't ask to go home...

So I really wanted to share this for the sake of anyone needing to go through this themselves with their loved ones. It IS possible for some patients to have a peaceful transition, and I would have thought, based on her previous behaviour, that my SIL would have been the last person who could achieve it. I am so glad to have been wrong.

Thanks again for the wonderful advice. Oh, and I had to laugh Deb and zonk, guess what she had under her pillow in her room - yes - crumpled up tissues!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

love Georgie

I am so happy for you and your SIL Georgie. Perhaps the pressures of the outside world, in her confused state, was just too much for her to handle. Evidently she is right where she needs to be. Now do something nice for yourself! ::laughing about the crumpled up tissues with fond memories of my grandmother::: :-)

Love, deb