I feel pathetic telling you all this, but I need advice and to know I'm not alone.. Please read all of this.

I'm a 17 year-old female and have been home schooled since 8th grade. I've had little interaction with kids my own age since then.

I was reading the 'Common Panic Disorder/Anxiety Symptoms' thread and I was stunned. All of the symptoms I had that I thought were due to more serious conditions all seem to be caused by my anxiety. I was absolutely certain that I had multiple sclerosis or a brain tumor, and then I thought that something was wrong with my heart. It never even occurred to me that this could all be due to stress - even when the doctor told me. I know a lot of people suffer from anxiety, perhaps even more severe than my own, but their circumstances are much different.

I'm home schooled, I have no job, I have no license, I have no friends meaning I have no one to talk to. I have nothing that requires me to leave the house, and it's been this way for nearly four years now.

I feel pathetic, alone and unloved. I know that my family cares, but I also know that they talk about me amongst themselves. I know this because 1) I've heard them many times; they've said it to my face even, and 2) my dad frequently tells me about what other extended family members have said. They have so many cruel nicknames for me, but they just don't understand.

I feel completely abandoned by everyone. But I know that I have brought it upon myself. I hope to start college later this year, and I tell myself that I will, but when I really think about it I know that I probably won't. I'm too scared.

I know that I'm pretty, I know that I'm attractive...Everyone tells me to get out and find a boyfriend. I had petty boyfriends throughout middle school, but none since then. Would I like to? Honestly, I don't really care at this point.
I want to go out and meet people, to get a job, to get my drivers license, but I'm too scared. I would like to go to drivers ed, but I'd just feel so stupid going with kids who are 2-3 years younger than me.

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I know that I have a serious problem. Today I attempted to speak with my mom about seeing a therapist, but before I even made it the room I started crying and decided not to.

Today my dad called me a freak. He said it front of a few of my family members and it was enough to make we want to start crying. I don't know what to do. I feel so alone. I don't know what I'm asking for...help, advice, someone that can possible relate?? I don't know. :(

Anna00, hi! I read your post. You will be ok. Your anxiety is very real. Don't let anyone ever tell you it isn't or that you are a freak. You aren't a freak. I say get all the help you need. Reach out to others around you. We understand you on the boards here because we have been through many similiar things ourselves. Just know that you have people who support you. Get to someone nearby who can help you deal with all these issues. You can catch up and not feel behind. The world isn't passing you by. Good luck! Hugs!:)

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The less you go out the worse your problems will be. You need to get out into the world. The more you do, the more confidence you'll get. I didn't get my driver's licence until I was 26. It doesn't matter when you get it, as long as you get it.

You need to make the first step, out of your home which is also your prison. Think of taking tiny steps towards freedom...freedom from anxiety and freedom from your home. Your parents might think they're protecting you but they're disempowering you. You need to get out. Things will get better for you but you've got to work towards making it happen. At the moment you've got no power over your life, the less power you feel you have, the more scared you'll be. You've got to take some control, make some decisions. If you're too scared to do it you need to see a therapist and maybe go on some medication, just in the short term while you're getting yourself out there.

Hi Anna,

You sound a lot like me when I was your age. I was also homeschooled, during my freshman and sophomore years of high school, and then my parents sent me to a public high school. It was a total nightmare because I had always been so sheltered. Like you, I was scared of everything, even though people told me I was attractive and I got good grades in school. I was absolutely petrified of the idea of going away to college, so I took a year off. Then I decided to go to a local community college so I could be near family. Have you thought about trying something like that? Eventually (when I realized college wasn't nearly as scary as I had imagined it would be) I felt comfortable enough to move on to a university where I finished my Bachelor's. Sometimes it helps just to take it in small steps. I know it's easy to act based on the fears in your head, because they seem so real. But the truth is that once you get involved in classes and start making new friends, you will realize your fears are unnecessary. Eventually they'll go away. There are so many great people out there who will click with you - but it will take time to find them. I promise it's not hopeless! Try to take things in very small steps, rather than worrying about the big picture. Maybe that means mailing out an application to a community college, or signing up for drivers ed (believe me, 17 is totally young enough to be in driver's ed), or finding a small part-time job within walking/biking distance for now. As for the comments your dad made, I'm sorry to hear that. In my opinion he's horribly neglecting his responsibility to encourage you and help you move in a positive direction. I hope you can find it in youself to keep moving forward anyway. Believe in yourself first, and you will find others who will believe in you, too.

Best wishes,
Beka

Beka, thank you for that! You wouldn't believe how much better your words have made me feel. I guess even the 'small steps' seem overwhelming, impossible even. But I know I have to do something. It's just that most of the time it seems pointless for me to even try. I do hope to begin attending a community college soon, and as you did, eventually move on to a university - if I've gotten over my fears, that is. But that's still a ways off (thank god).

I've decided to go to the college on Monday and speak with someone about enrolling and requirements for home schoolers and all that... So maybe I'm getting somewhere already. :D

Thank you again. :angel:

Hi Anna,

I'm glad to hear that! I promise, taking small steps is not pointless, but I know even they can seem overwhelming. Just promise yourself you won't cave in to your fears. For a while in my life, I literally had to say "one foot in front of the other" just to get myself through a particular day or circumstance. Rather than overwhelm myself at once with, "Oh my gosh, I have to pass so many classes to graduate!!", I'd tell myself, "OK, right at this moment, I'm going to sit in this class and take the best notes I can. That's all I have to do right now." It sounds kind of silly, but it helped me a lot. And I always made it through. You will, too. Good friends will come along who will help you. Before you know it, you will look back and be amazed at how far you've come and how much you've accomplished! I'm really glad to hear you are looking into a college, too! Hopefully they will work with you as a homeschooler and you will be able to enroll without any problems. Let us know how that works out. Any idea what you might like to study? I didn't know what I wanted to do, so I took general education courses and got an Associate's in Liberal Arts. Then I went on to the university to get a journalism degree. The gen eds are required for a Bachelor's degree anyway, so if you don't know what you want to do yet, you could try doing that. Just a thought! Keep us posted...

Best wishes,
Beka