My father passed away from Lung cancer at the age of 57. When he was diagnosed I moved him in with me because he lived alone. He lived for 18 months after being dx'd. My problem is the guilt I am having over things I should have done differently. For instance there were a couple times I fought with him because he was being nasty. I said a lot of things I regret and thought things that were even worse!

Why couldn't I just see things from his perspective? Why couldn't I just ignore the nastiness and realize the poor man was facing death? Why at times did I have such terrible thoughts?

Please don't take this the wrong way, I just wish I could have done better. Not been so selfish. Been a little more compassionate. How do I go on with this guilt?

Jewel,

I understand what you are feeling. My husband died 18 months ago at the age of 59, esophageal cancer. There were times when he was difficult to deal with and I got crabby as well. We all have those feelings and thoughts. The fact that you brought him to live with you shows what a good person you are and how much you loved him. The stress of dealing with these sorts of things is difficult for the strongest of people. Forgive yourself and know that your Dad understands and is forever grateful that you were there for him. God bless.

I kind of understand what you mean. My dad had end stage kidney failure and wasn't doing all he could to prolong his life. He was on dialysis for 10 months and collapsed one morning. His heart stopped a few times and he spent 4 days in ICU. On the fourth day we discovered he had severe signs of brain damage and were forced to make the heartbreaking choice to take him off of life support. My mother and I both feel that we could have done more to help him. There will always be those what ifs. I'm only 19 and I, of course, went through that angry teenager phase where is said and thought countless horrible things about my dad. But the thing that keeps me going and takes away the guilt is that... a father always knows his kids love him. Sometimes it's the fact that you say the mean things you're thinking that let them know. You're not afraid to speak your mind, which means you're not afraid of him. It means you are close enough that no matter what the two of you always know that there is that special bond no one and no thing can break. So try your hardest to remember every time you told him you love him, instead of all the bad things. Because trust me, as much as you regret the things you did... no parent is perfect and I'm sure there are things he regretted just as much! Hope this helps you!

Jewel, we tend to idealize someone who has died. We don't usually idealize them while they are still living, even if we know they are dying.

That's only natural. You are not perfect. Neither was he.

But *YOU* did so much for him, even without being perfect. You deserve praise and gratitude, not guilt.

It's difficult taking care of a dying parent. The whole power has shifted, they become weak and dependent but still might restimulate those old emotional wounds and abuses. It's not your fault. You were a good daughter, you did the difficult and terrible and draining labor of love to take care of a dying parent.

His end was far far better for him with you having been there for him. It was a precious gift than you gave to him, and was not without a big emotional cost to you. You deserve gratitude and praise, not guilt. You did more than most people would have.

I agree with the others as well... When my dad came down with cancer I remember thinking...why is my mother not being more compassionate with him. He was of course on medication which changes your entire being and he would become cranky and even nasty at times. My mom would say things on occasions that I would think, why is this coming from her mouth...it's her husband. But 5 years after dad died I realized where it came from. Mom came down with lymphomia last year, the same as dad. She too would get like dad and guess who was wearing her shoes from 5 years back? Yup, me. I now know...and I am not beating myself up over it because I remind myself each time.

Take a break periodically and think about all the good times...focusing on that will help....I made myself do just that. Fortunately my mom, so far, has been in remission. But you never know with cancer...so I am trying to focus on the good.

My father passed away from Lung cancer at the age of 57. When he was diagnosed I moved him in with me because he lived alone. He lived for 18 months after being dx'd. My problem is the guilt I am having over things I should have done differently. For instance there were a couple times I fought with him because he was being nasty. I said a lot of things I regret and thought things that were even worse!

Why couldn't I just see things from his perspective? Why couldn't I just ignore the nastiness and realize the poor man was facing death? Why at times did I have such terrible thoughts?

Please don't take this the wrong way, I just wish I could have done better. Not been so selfish. Been a little more compassionate. How do I go on with this guilt?

I don't know if this will help, but some time when you are alone and it's quiet, find a comfortable spot and sit down so you can relax. Then imagine in your mind that your dad is in the room with you or even on the phone. He's telling you that he's sorry he got nasty, but he was sick and scared and things didn't turn out the way he wanted them to. You can see yourself putting your arms around him and telling him that you understand and it's OK, because you did the same thing yourself.

Death, unfortunately, is the one thing that makes us really examine our lives and how we should live it from that point on. At least you feel guilty. Some people don't. I don't know if you are a parent or not, but I am. I can tell you right now, that as a parent, I'd forgive my child. I would know they were sorry and I would regret that I hadn't been a better parent myself.

I hope that you can reconcile this and eventually let it go. God bless you.