My eldest son Jozef died on the 8 April this year from a bleed at base of his brain. When we went to wake him up for school he was cold and despite frantic effects to administer cpr we were told he had been dead for 7 to 8 hours.

All the experts say that death would have been immediate. They all reassure us that there were no symptoms and we couldn't help him.

However as his mum I feel hatred for myself that I didn't realise that he was ill and constantly wish that I had died instead of him.

The only thing that keeps me going is my youngest son Adam and my husband and I try to mask my self loathing for their sake. I cry myself to sleep all the time and think of Jozef not being able to get married and live life to the full.

I'm becoming overprotective of my youngest son as well.

Is this normal grief that I'm feeling?

Thanks

Aussiemum50

I am so sorry for you in your loss. I cannot imagine how painful it must be. It is only a few weeks since your son died, you have a long road ahead through grief and sorrow. It is normal to dwell on the "what-ifs" and "if onlys"; this must be gone through as part of the process. Do not let anyone tell you when you should be over it, or moving on, there is no set time laid out for this. Please do not blame yourself; this condition is totally undetectable - usually just like a bolt from the blue. There is nothing you could have done to prevent this happening. There are wonderful groups in most Australian capital cities, just for people who have lost a child. When you feel ready for this, I have heard it is a very comforting resource, and a way to express yourself to people who understand exactly what you are going through. You have done a good thing writing to here, and I hope we can bring you a little comfort. My prayers are with you, Sera

Hi Aussimum,
I lost my five week old on April 5, of this year...will be four weeks tomorrow. My daughter died of SIDS, and was obviously much younger than your son, but I could have written your post word for word...from the frantic attempt at CPR, the feelings your having of feeling angry and hatred for not knowing and not being able to help, the questions your asking yourself, all of it. With that being said, I'm guessing, this is part of the normal process of grieving, although it doesn't feel normal....It just hurts like hell. My daughter was born premature, and had a brain bleed, and I still question if it could have had anything to do with her death, but they say no, and have claimed SIDS. She was home for nine days, and was perfectly healthy when she died in her sleep.
I'm so sorry for your pain Aussie, I wish I had words of encouragement, or advice, or even support...but I'm not far from where you are in this whole process. Keep clinging to your son and your husband, lean on others to help hold you up when you can't hold yourself up...and and don't look too far ahead, take things minute by minute, till looking ahead doesn't seem so overwhelming. Know there are others out there who feel your pain, and there are others out there who understand what your going through, and are walking through this nightmare with you. (((hugs))) to you, from another grieving mother...
Amber

I am sorry for your loss.

I am pretty sure your son died of a brain aneurysm. A couple of people from my family (my grandmother was one) have had that and it is impossible to predict when or where in the body it might happen. Please do not blame yourself. Aneurysms are like a little defect in the vein or artery and they burst without warning or cause.

I hope you will find peace.