I got herpes when I was 16 from the first (lying *******) guy I was ever with. I thought I dealt with it well, but last night I had a horrid experience...
Here's what happened to me. I was with a good friend, and after a few drinks we were starting to get intimate. I decided to tell him right there, before things went any further, what my situation was. He freaked out. He froze up, started talking about how he had to go to the clinic the very next day (we hadn't done anything that was even remotely risky yet), like I was some leper! It was the most esteem-crushing thing I've ever had happen. I explained what herpes was, and I called him the next day to apologize. He really didn't know anything about herpes, how it's transmitted, or anything else. But is this the sort of reaction I have to expect every time?
I understand how to handle explaining this to someone when I'm getting into a relationship, but if I'm just having some casual (but safe) fun, how do I bring this up without crushing the moment? I don't want to deal with a serious relationship right now, but I still want to have sex. But I really don't know if I can handle a reaction like I got last night, I still feel awful. How do you guys handle this situation? I really appreciate any sincere advice you can give, thank you.

if you find out the answers to these questions, please LET ME KNOW. i've been single and celibate since i found out, circa '00, and i'm just frustrated. i'm so scared to pass it and the person going ballastic, i've kept to myself. unforutnatley, the person who pass it to me was not that damn considerate.

Conflicted, your friend is an insensitive creep! That's how I feel about anyone who would be so callous, rude and self-absorbed as to make a "good friend" feel like a contaminated lab rat! I'd say it is he who owes you the apology, not the other way around! Ignorance is no excuse in a situation like this! If he cares about you as a friend, he should care about the fact that he dumped on you like that.

Unfortunately, herpes and casual sex are very difficult bedfellows (so to speak). People who are looking for just casual sex tend to (understandably) want to avoid exposure to STDs because (as you found out) it can greatly reduce your chances of finding someone who's willing to have casual sex with you. (Although not everyone will be as rude and cruel as your friend was about it.) I certainly found that out when I've tried in the past to find someone who was open to casual sex.

There are some people out there who are more open-minded about it...even to the point of not caring much about their risk of getting it. I have to admit that I wondered if these people might be just as casual and indiscriminate about more dangerous STDs than herpes...in which case what kind of risk was I putting myself in by being intimate with them? I was looking for open-minded, not brainless. You have to be careful about which side of the line a person stands, I think.

Your experience is an excellent (if sad) example of why it's a good idea to have "the talk" far outside the throes of passion and imminent sexual contact. Once that passion is set in motion, it's really hard to put on the breaks long enough to make a rational decision, especially about an emotionally charged subject like a chronic STD.

I found it much easier to just tell prospective partners up front and take my chances that they'd turn me down flat. For me it was easier that way, rather than risk what you experienced (or even a lesser degree of it). If you're looking for a serious relationship, it might be worth waiting a bit before telling (letting the person get to know you better first), but the whole point of casual sex is usually that it is spontaneous (i.e., little or no waiting) with few consequences or responsibilities. It's not easy to do that when you have a medical condition that requires forethought and consideration of risk.

Good luck though! There is a reputable herpes dating site online (and at least one that's not very reputable IMO) where you could place an ad saying you're only interested in casual involvement. You'd likely get responses from others looking for the same thing; then the herpes wouldn't be an issue.

In the meantime, don't take on your friend's lack of sensitivity, caring and just plain manners as a reflection of you. He didn't exactly have "the talk" with you to check out your sexual history either, so there's no way he can blame you for springing something on him. If he's going to have casual sex and wants to avoid contact with STDs, then he has to take responsibility for checking that out, which he clearly didn't do. You were honest with him, to your credit. Your timing might have been better but that is learned with experience, as you now know. I hope he comes to his senses and apologises to you for freaking out in such a cruel way.

TheOneInFour

Aren't you lucky you found out what an insensitive jerk he is before you slept with him!!

If Herpes is good for anything, it's just that -- that test of character that comes before the sex, when you have to reveal something very personal, very vulnerable to the other person, and then see how they deal with it. Does he have class, is he mature, is he tender and open minded -- Or, is he petty, insulting; if he's easily scared off maybe he is just looking for a quick fling. These are all things that are good to know *before* you sleep with someone.

The way I try to look at it, having herpes may keep me from getting something worse. It makes me extremely selective about who I'm with because of that moment of disclosure -- I'm very picky about who I want to reveal that to. Maybe I should have caught it years ago, back in the 80s when everyone was sleeping around for sport, I could have saved myself a lot of trouble.

By the way, under the category of great irony -- back in the 80s when I was dating a lot and taking sex far more casually, I never caught so much as a cold from anyone. I got H2 from my now ex-husband. Ain't that a kick in the head? http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/wink.gif

I just can't find a way to say "By the way, I have herpes". The only turnoff that is any more less attracting is saying I have AIDS. Conversing with guys and friends casually about STDs, they just are like there is no way I could be in a relationship with a person infected. Granted, who wants a STD or even be close to infecting oneself; however, no one bothered to give me warning that they were infected and now I'm the person carrying this guilt that is keeping me from enjoying my younger years. I'm scared to date b/c intimacy eventually comes with that. Its just hard and I am feeling so deprived of of fun, dating, relationships, and its so depressing.

I've read some the how-to's but they just... I want my life back! Then the thing with my ex and me not being sure if he could have given it to me, but we are somewhat rebuilding (not necessarily serious now).

I just wish it was a way to know at certain times you couldn't pass, but unfortunately not!

I am so sorry that you had such a terrible experiance. Living with this disease is definitely a hurdle in the road. I would not suggest casual sex at this point. You do need someone that is more understanding. Also, I have heard that 25% of the American population is infected. This is an epidemic. In regard to any advice: I would say wait to get to know someone really well and then express to them how difficult it is for you to become intimate. Then, they can make that choice (and don't wait till the heat of the moment). Good luck.

Hey sweetie, Sunless and Arti are totally on the mark. Yes you will encounter people who freak out, despite the fact that a noticeable percentage of people in our country have HSV. I think you should really educate your "friend" though and let him know the facts about herpes. The best way I've found to explain it is that it's similar to poison ivy - spread by contact with a sore. And I always tell people to go to Herpes.org for more info.

Like Arti said, you can't really go around with the casual sex as much as you probably want to. Like Sunless said, it is definitely a true test of character when you are interested in someone as well. I told my boyfriend on our first date and he was very cool about it. He was extremely sympathetic when I told him about the jerk who gave it to me, and he wanted to know more about herpes. He wanted to make sure we had safe sex and he has always been incredibly understanding and supportive, especially during my outbreaks.

He doesn't have HSV, even after our 3 years together. So don't let one person's bad reaction get to you - it IS possible to have a happy sex life and meet understanding people. Just remember we're always here for you!

I realize this is a support and information board about and for people with herpes, but ...

Really, there are far worse things that could happen to a person. Both my mom and my sister have diabetes, they have to poke themselves in the finger and test their blood every day. I'm sure either of them would gladly trade their life-threatening diabetes for my mildly annoying herpes.

Honestly the disease itself has little impact on my life. It's the shame and stigma associated with the disease that causes the suffering. As is usually the case, it's the small-mindedness of other people that hurts the most.

We just have to keep educating people about the disease, keep our chins up, and don't let the jackasses get you down. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

The physical symptoms I get are very easy to ignore. When I see that I have an OB it just like discovering a common pimple, it doesn't phaze me much. The thing that kills me is that I will probably give it to someone if I am intimate with them. That is what prevents me from dating, and it has taken away any shot at happines that I had. Let's face it, it's pretty hard to find someone special in the best of circumstances. I'm not giving up though, because I've never failed at anything in my life yet, because you never fail if you never give up.

NonExist

I myself don't have herpes. But when I was 17, I fell for this guy, he spent several nights with me. Each night, we'd cuddle and kiss and things for hours, but he never tried to get in my pants, and I thought he was being a gentleman. I had said I wanted to wait abit, and he agreed.

Well after we eventually broke up, cause of drama, I found out months later from his bestfriend who became my bestfriend, that he'd had herpes. At first I was horrified. Then I felt betrayed, that he hadn't told me. I was angry. But then I realized what it must have been like, to not tell me, it must have torn him up. his friend said he was in shock about it still, had only had it less than a year when we met. And I understand why he didn't tell me. But I would have accepted it, I would have tried to find ways around the problem. But not everyone thinks that way, and to admit that to someone you've fallen for, must be hard. I am greatful he never slept with me, and that I didn't get it. I feel so bad for him, and I know that had we stayed together, I would have helped support him any way I could have.

Herpes isn't something you should be ashamed of. I honestly believe that in 20 years or so, most everyone will have it. If you look into bands, most of the really big name ones have herpes. All the members of Marilyn Manson have it. Many many other bands and celebs have it. It's becoming an epidemic. And if they don't find a cure, soon it will be as common as a cold. And then, it won't matter. Cause if everyone has it, it won't be a big deal anymore.

So I think that in the future, somehow, there will be a solution to the problem, either in the form of a cure, or just acceptance of it.

I just want to say, to all of you who've had bad experiences, that those people where not worth your time anyway, if they treated you like that. Herpes doesn't make you less of a person.

Take care, and I hope you have better luck in the future!

I just had a bad experience with people at my work finding out. I trusted one girl I work with, and a few weeks later, another girl I work with came up to me and told me that all the girls in the office were talking about how "nasty" I was because I had caught herpes from my new boyfriend, who must be scummy, and that they were afraid to use the bathroom at work because I used it and they didn't want to catch anything from me. She thought I should know who was talking about me, as she thought the girl I told was spreading rumors about me. I'm sooo angry. I confronted the person I told, and she denied it, but of course, I know it was her. Now, a few days after this, the management has put dispensers of those paper toilet seat covers in the bathroom. Granted, these are nice to have, but I cant help but think that the management put them in because the other girls complained about me. What really gets me, is three of the girls, including the one that betrayed my confidence, suffer from very, very bad coldsores. The "betrayer" gets cold sores like every month, and so bad that she has scars around her mouth. You would think these people would have been more understanding and considerate, since they have a form of this virus too (incidently, I was diagnosed with type I genitally, so I have the exact same virus type that they do, just in a different place). I had been wondering why no one had been talking to me much lately, and I had kind of noticed some of the girls looking at me weird. Now I know. I'm seriously considering finding another job where I won't be around such inconsiderate, hypocritical b**ches. It's funny how people don't think anything of people with coldsores, but people with it genitally must have gotten it because they are "nasty" or "scummy". Ahh, I feel a little better now that I got to do some venting! The worst think about this disease is the stigma associated with it.

D., I'm sooo sorry this has happened to you!! No disease could ever be as nasty as gossip, betrayal and ignorance. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/mad.gif But I have a suggestion for you... (*evil grin*)

I think you should get some flyers or brochures about herpes that give solid information about herpes (especially ones that emphasise that cold sores are also herpes) and distribute them around the place. Make sure your human resources department has some copies and leave some in the washrooms. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

If your local herpes support group doesn't have any, I'm sure you could search the internet and find some that can be printed out. I'm sure I've seen some around.

1in4

Well I live in a college dorm and all of my roomate (4 of them) know that I have it. My friends have been so supporting, they don'tmake me feel like a leper, they still use the same toilet as I, they still share a shower with me, and they do not trip on borrowing my clothes. Guys on the other hand, as a 19 year old college student, I want casual sex relationships, but i have gotten oneguy not call me back. Two guys dont care, they still want to sleep with me, but I dont allow myself to sleep with them, because I dont wnat to risk giving it to them, even though Ihave not had an outbreak since I first got it. Wait, I'm having one right now, but I believe its because Im not getting enough sleep.I wish I could help you with some tipe, some guys will wok through it with you, I had a friend tell me when I was going through one of my depressions that if I was so worried about someone marrying me or even want to be with me,he'll marry me and be with me....i guess you should tell the guys before you get intimate with them, like in apublic place way way before you get to the sex

Devastated -- Good Grief! That's awful. Some women give women a bad name, ya know? As someone said, no disease is worse than lies and betrayal.

If there's any consolation in this, the b*tch who betrayed you will never have the confidence of those she told. None of those girls will ever confide in her, EVER, because they know she's a back-stabber. I have a hard time believing these are adult women, it sounds like something that would happen in 7th grade. Are they jealous of you? Is that why they need to talk you down?

Actions will always speak louder than words. People will remember that even though some nasty bee-otches were talking trash, you held your head high and behaved with integrity. They don't make you look bad, only you can do that. They make themselves look bad.

Some famous person said, "The more you talk about me, the more it says about you."

Yes, it is hard to believe that these are grown women. I think I am going to try to find some pamphlets to bring to the office. These women have made me so upset. I walked around the corner today, and the "betrayer" was talking to another one of the girls about their cold sores they both have right now. The other lady was giving my ex-friend a valtrex tablet and telling her that her pharmacist family member (father I think she said) had said to crush it up and put some of the powder on it, and she was saying "this is what they give to people that actually have herpes, but he said it should work for a cold sore" when I bumped into them. So, I proceeded to say that a cold sore is herpes. This uninformed lady proceeded to tell me that I was wrong, it was just a cold sore, not herpes, SHE doesn't have herpes, that's disgusting, and that cold sores aren't contageous like what I have is. So I said, if cold sores have nothing to do with herpes, why would valtrex help? I then told her that cold sores most definately are very contageous, that that is how I got herpes type I "down there", from my boyfriend's mouth. She just acted like I was an idiot and walked away. I really hope she goes home and researches it on the internet and realized how hypocritical and stupid she is being. That would just make my day! ughhh, more venting....it definately helps...until I find another job http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

There are laws against "creating a hostile work environment" and what they've done probably constitutes harassment. You might talk to an attorney if you feel it's appropriate. If you talk to your company's H.R. person, they will cover the company's a$$ first and foremost, and your well-being will be a secondary concern.

hehe, Sunless, I actually work at an attorney's office! You are right though, but I really don't want to go through all that...I was planning on moving in the near future, and it would be better anyway to find a job closer to where I'm moving instead of commuting, so I guess I'll just put up with it for now. I really don't care what these people think of me anymore...if they are that shallow, I don't even want their company, you know?