Hi all,
Had mom to the doc for her "pain". She fell about 6 weeks ago and her hinny was still hurting, they didnt see anything broken at the ER at the time she fell, but she was constantly telling me how bad she hurt so we went to the doc. Nothing is broken, but he did find some arthritis in her hip. Well by the afternoon she was in pain again and I told her to take some pain med and that should help the pain from the arthritis. Boy did she flip out. "I dont have arthritis, thats not what the doctor said." I finally told her if she didnt believe me, call them and ask them and she would be told again by them. That calmed her down and made her remember. The next day she called me and asked why the doctor didnt look at her calf, because she has lumps in them. I told her that she didnt say anything about that at the appt so I would make her another one for next week. So now we are going in again to have the lumps checked out. When I called for the appt. I told them that I want her tested for cancer and to do something about her weight loss. She only weighs 74lbs fully clothed. The doc told me that there isnt a way to check for cancer by blood testing. I swear he thinks Im stupid or something. I know there are blood test that show that white blood count and sedimentation rate. Both indicate that there is something OFF in your body, and thats when they know to do other testing. Thats how they found the cancer in my sister.
Sorry Im rambling. There just so much.
I was in contact with a Elder Law Attorny. He told me to go to Social Service with the letter from the doc. Let them take this out of my hands. I do have a POA with Medical, so I would still be involved with things for her. I wouldnt be the BAD daughter anymore because someone else stepped in and did something. She would never know it was me, they cant, by law, tell the person who reported them. He also told me to be very carefull of the moneys that were made of gift of, keep track of who and where she gives her money to. Im just now sure how to keep track of something I dont know about. She doesnt always tell me what she is doing with her money. I think once she is in a "home" of some type it will be easier. She wont have much control over her money. So I can make sure it is spent on stuff for her and not given as a gift to someone. And if she want to give her grandkids any money, It can only be very small amounts, because that way they wont get in trouble and have to pay back the money, because Medicaid or welfare thought it was a way to "spend down" her money so she could get assitants.

Aaggggggg, this is all too much sometimes.
The merry-go-round is spinning too fast.
Sorry if this didnt make any sense.

Many dementia patients have a very difficult time explaining pain. At best they know something is uncomfortable but they do not have the ability to express where the pain is or how badly it hurts. My dad ended up with an infected big toe nail, had the toe nail removed, and never once complained of pain even when he shoved his bandaged toe into a hard show just hours after the toe nail was removed. He had never worn a pair of sandles in his life but did admit that they felt good. It was all about the shoes and not his toe. Mom fell and broke her arm at the shoulder, broke a tooth, and had other brumps and scrapes. She was too busy being annoyed that the city and the neighbor were not doing what she wanted and never complained about pain. Recently she fell and sprained her neck. Each morning she gets up saying she slept wrong. She has no memory of the injury. Yet she will go to the doctor for something bizzare that is not worthy of a doctor visit. It is all a part of the dementia process so it is up to us to watch actions and reactions to see what is bothering them. Dad's abcessed tooth was pulled only because I realized he was pulling on his ear which is something he never did.

There is not a single blood test that will check for all cancers. There are blood test that will give an indication of specific cancers but it is by no means inclusive. Cancers are normally diagnosed by symptions. If there is cancer how aggressive are you willing to treat it in a dementia patient?

I have not delt with Social Security yet. That is in the near future. I had called about an appointment with an elder lawyer when my sister decided it was not the time to deal with such issues. At this point, between retirements, pensions, and LTD their care is covered. I am sure the time is fast approaching that we need to deal with these other issues. I look foward to reading what others have experienced.

Take a deep breath and remember this is not forever and not something your Mom would do if it were not for the illness. I understand that feeling of being overwhelmed. Find a few moments for yourself!! That is the best thing you can do......

Love, deb

Hi all!

It's interesting that the "money" thing has come up for me too. Dad told my brother and me 3 weeks ago that he wanted us to have a little money, so told me to write my bro a ck for $7k. Which is exactly what I did. Now I find out that this may have been a bad thing. Dad's money will run out evenutally if he has to go to a long term care (hopefully this will not happen, but who knows?), and I am afraid to even take the $100 a week I was taking from dad's and my joint account to cover his food and necessities that I buy him.

Should I be keeping receipts? Am I in trouble for compensating myself for his needs? I am sooooooo confused. I even called a lawyer and made an appt to make sure that I cannot get in trouble for "gifting" my bro the money my dad told me to give him.

It's bad enough that we all put our lives, careers and families on the back burner to take care of those that need care so desperately. I do not regret giving up my career, taking the huge financial hit that meant, taking 12 hours a day to take care of daddy - that man is my HEART, and I would take a bullet for him. But to be in constant fear of legal ramifications for doing what we do....what is the "system" coming to?

I just heard of a "look back" period. Is this seriously where someone can look back 5 years into daddy's spending and criticize it?

Thanks for listening, y'all. It's just so difficult, on so many levels...

...deb

I think it is a good idea to talk to a lawyer that is familiar with the laws. I am not sure about the gifting but we are in the same situation. Mom gifted to all the sisters and granddaughters in late 2006.... just a few months before they ended up in AL. I just hope their monies last more than 5 years now. I do believe it is allowed for someone to receive compensation for the care they give a loved one but check that out to be sure. I am not sure what kind of agreement or proof is needed.

It is very true that Medicaid will look back for a period of five years to see how the patient's monies have been spent. Medicaid can require that monies be returned to the patient and spend down before Medicaid will begin. I understand the spirit of the law, to prevent people from moving large sums of money out of an estate and then applying for Medicaid. Yet it had become a monster that is intemidating.

All of Mom and Dad's expenses are paid out of their checking account and I write what the payment is for on the bottom on the check. Hopefully the cancelled checks will be sufficient.

I agree that it is so difficult on so many levels. Sometimes overwhelming but somehow we make it to the next day.

Keep us informed as to what you find out....

Love, deb

Unfortunately it is true that Medicaide will do a five year look back to see where the money has gone from your oarents accounts. And large amounts will be subject to scrutiny. It's sad that our parents can no longer do what they want with their own money. And my guess is that the money that you gave to your brother from your Dad would come under the microscope.

My dad wanted to give each of my sons 10k and we had to talk him out of it because of this horrid law. Now that daddy is gone, I will see that they boys get it from the estate. Bub the boys have each said that they would rather have their Busba (What they called their grandfather) than to have his money like this. What has our tax system come to that an elder man can't even give his beloved grandkids a gift?

Best bed is to talk to a lawyer to make sure that you are covered no matter what you are doing.....

Hi ya
At this point I dont think they will do anything if there is cancer. Mom weighs so little that any type of treatment would probable kill her. I wouldnt want them to treat it. It would just give me a better insite as to what is going on with her besides the dementia.

I was told by the Attorney that any money given as a gift are closely watched because sometimes there are families that give the money as a gift so their loved one can get medicaid. Any real large amount should not be given. It will look like it was given for the wrong reason. It does really stink that our loved ones cant give a gift of money if they want. The "system" thinks that because our loved ones have dememtia or AL they were "tricked" into doing so. And the family is trying to get away with something.
The "system" does go back 5 years.
Anything bought for them is ok, so clothing, food, ect..., it just cant be given with nothing in return for their money.

At this point I am so overwhelmed by all of this. I know that there is limited time left with my mom and I just want to be able to enjoy life with her, and be confident that what I'm trying to do for her is the best that could be done.
Life is too short to have regrets.

Oh, Craftlady,

I feel so badly for you. It's so incredibly unfair that your mom is so ill. And I completely understand the "doing the best I can and hoping I'm doing it right" way of thinking. None of us anticipate this. My head just spins trying to get all of the "issues" straightened out. And all I want to do - just like all YOU want to do - is take fantastic care of our loved ones. I know I am doing my level best every day, all day long. Like you, that would be SEVEN days a week. I just hope it's good enough.

My heart goes out to you. I hope your days are sunny with mom, no matter if it's one day or one year, and I hope both of you make a ton of wonderful memories.

...deb