Hello everyone,

I am new to the board and am hoping for words of insight and encouragement. I consider myself to be a strong person, who I thought was able to resist anything...even depression. I had a pretty stinky childhood, but am a very successful young man, so what is the problem? For many years, I have this empty feeling of not belonging with a ton of anxiety. Unless there is some drama (good or bad) in my life that is tumultuous; then I feel sad, down, unmotivated, and lack a general interest. I am 6'1, 175 and over the past 2-3 months have begun to eat all the time (things that I know are bad for me that I wouldn't eat in the past). I don't want to go to the gym anymore, don't want to leave the house, and often bring anxiety upon myself for no reason. I tried reading books, working out, doing relaxing things (taking one day at a time), but cannot seem to kick this funk.

I believe I have had a mild case of depression for many years now and that the dramatic events keep me above water...for a short period, just enough to not recognize the depression. Well, now that everything is going really well...I am bored and noticing this depression and inability to enjoy life. I am embarrassed that I cannot beat this and wonder deep down if it is truly depression. The things that clue me in are the following:

1. Withdrawing from loved ones. No interest in extracurricular activities. Did well with the gym for 1.5 years and now just do not want to go.
2. Eating, eating, and more eating.
3. Seeking drama. Seeking the next traumatic event because this is where I am safe. Almost unaware that I am trying to cause one.
4. I am participating in unsafe behaviors, such as spending money I don't have (casinos), eating very badly, ignoring my job and slacking, and being neglectful of my relationship.

I know this is a lot and I appreciate you reading....any advice, etc.?

P.S. I have been seeing a therapist for about 1 year, but stopped in the last 4 months. She was the first to help me realize I live in a mild depression with a wavy line that teeters on the brink....never going too deep or too high (happy). I didn't want to believe it. About 1 year ago, I was put on my first anti-depressant and I only stuck with it for 3 weeks. I felt SOOOO motivated, energetic, and happy about life and what I was trying to do. I worked out religiously. I was taking Wellbutrin XR; however, the side effects on the 150mg I think it was, were inability to go to sleep and tapping of my leg. I felt like I was going to crawl out of my body with energy.

I visited my primary doctor today and told her I think I want to try it again and see if I can reach a therapeutic level. She started me on 75mg, since the 150mg was strong on my leg tapping and sleeping issues. I pick up the prescription tomorrow and am debating what my next step will be. I just want to be happy as I have no reason not to be. God has been so wonderful to me despite my tough upbringing.

Thank you for listening. David

Hi David,

Not to make light of your situation, but I knew you were a man before I ever opened this thread LOL ;)

I think men are embarrassed to admit they are depressed because you feel it makes you look weak. Remember, depression is a condition/disease, whatever you want to call it.

Take your Wellbutrin, feel better and don't be embarrassed. You don't have to announce it to the world (your friends/coworkers, etc) unless you feel like it.

Feel better soon!

JB

Please know, David, that welbutrin may not work, but there IS a medicine that will work well for you. I personally could not handle welbutrin. It made my mind race and made me shaky all the time. However, Lexapro has worked wonders for me. All antidepressants work differently for different people. Don't be embarrassed. Get health and then you can enjoy life :)

I would recommend group therapy. Depression seems to thrive on bottled up feelings. A group is a way to meet others dealing with it. I think support is motivating. Another benefit is feedback from other people. It can flush out any hidden reasons for depression.

Hi:

To me it sounds like you know what is wrong and what you should be doing about it but for whatever the reasons not doing so. If I were you I would head back to the therapist to help you get back to a more stable path and figure out what is causing all of the problems.

The med situation is never easy as everyone responds differently and it can take some trial and error before you find the right med or right combination if that is what required.

Depression is like a runaway train in that it will start off slow but before long it will go completely out of control if something is not done to change the course and slow down the illness.

take care
trg247

turtlerunner,

First you should never feel embarrassed about depression. It is as common as ice cream and you would be surprised if you could discovered how many of the people who frequent your daily life are also sufferers. We do tend to hide it...mental health is considered shameful...I have never clearly understood this, but it is so nonetheless.

The foundation of my life and depression and PTSD is rooted soundly in my childhood. My father was bi-polar and psychologically abusive to my mother, me and my siblings. My sisters and I remember ZERO about out childhood, totally blocked out, which I guess is a good thing, but our childhood also made us the people we are today.

It is very hard to get out from under what happens to us as children. It is like Dr. Phil says often, children are born as blank slates and each experience they have as they grow...good AND bad...changes them and make them who they are and who they will be when grown up.

As children my sisters and I learned to be what our father expected us to be, I have fought this notion all my adult life, my sisters did not. Maybe if I had bent to this, I wouldn't be the mess I am today...so well. Hey, they are a mess too, the difference is that I accept it, they do not. I also raised three children, while they raised none.

My sisters are perfectionists in every sense of the word and my younger sister married one. Sadly, but not surprising, my younger sister's first marriage was an abusive one. My older sister, a highly educated person, has never been able to find a non-abusive relationship and gave up about 15 years ago. I gave up 23 years ago and have not been in a relationship since my first marriage resolved after 17 years. Both of my older sister's first two marriages and all non-marriage relationships involved some form of abuse.

About eating, many of us who suffer from any form of depression turn into one of these two...over eaters or under eaters...sadly I am the former, wishing I was the latter.

I also have Parkinson's disease and am diabetic...so I should be exercising daily for both reasons. But right now I can hardly get out of bed, let alone exercise. More about me in "Just need to write and 'talk'"

Good luck.

Don't go to far, this is a good board let your hair down and speak from a part of you that you hide from everyone around you.

I pick up the prescription tomorrow and am debating what my next step will be. I just want to be happy as I have no reason not to be. God has been so wonderful to me despite my tough upbringing.



More than likely your past is still affecting you.....Try a fresh start with a new therapist.

Don't let embarrassment stop you from getting help. No sign of weakness there.

The blank slate reference is a good one. I would get back in counseling.