I took mom to the doctor. Didnt find anything wrong with her leg. He adressed her weight, she told him that she eats then turned around and told him that she doest eat that much because she doesnt like to cook and eat by herself. He just looked at me with bewilderment. He then suggested she move into an assited living place, she hit the roof, got very combative and mean. I was able to kinda calm her down, telling her that he wasnt done with his visit with her. He then suggested that she see a phychiatist(sp?). She walked out of the exam room and out the front door. I told him thats it, I am going to social service vunralable adults with the letter. Then I left to find my mom outside.
I did go to social services. What a joke. They said the letter from the doc was too vauge. They would need to talk to him. So I called him and asked him to please call there, which he did. They called me alittle bit ago. There is nothing they can do, because its just for her safety, they told me to get ahold of Elderly and Support services. The only thing they can do is set up Meals on wheels. So ok I can get food brought to her, yet still have no way to make sure she eats it. And thats only if I can talk her into having meals on wheels. I told them there is still the issue with her meds. Having food delivered isnt going to help with that.
They told me to get ahold of the attorney again and see if my POA is enough for me to have her placed in a assited living place or if I am going to have to go to court for gardianship.
At this point I think Im going to have to quit my job and have her come stay with me during the week and go stay with her on the weekends at her house.
I dont know what else to do. It shouldnt be this hard to get the help I need.
I just give up. At least I want to, I know thats not reality.

My mom wasn't keen on an ALF either so one day while we were out shopping, I suggested we stop by this place just to have a look around in case she needs something like that one day.

Well, got her in the door and the administrator, (quite the charmer) talked her into it and she went along with it. It was an emotional time for her to leave her home, but I know she was happy at the facility and they treated her like she was their own mom.

That was in November. She has since moved to a nursing home because she is progressing rapidly it seems.

Sometimes you just have to grasp an opportunity to get the ball rolling and things will fall into place..thank God it did with me.

If that doesn't work, there's not much you can do except to get her a life alert bracelet or necklace or hire someone to come in for a few hours a day.

Best of luck. I know how terribly difficult it is. I'm getting my mom's home ready for sale and when she has good days, I question my judgement...like I think she'll ever be able to go home again. It's impossible at this point but I'm having a hard time letting go of the house that dad built.

Your Mom is evidently not competent to make her own decisions. You may have to get guardianship before having her placed but I believe your signature as POA might suffice. It is worth checking with the lawyer about. Your Mom is evidently not going willingly. You might want to check into a secure locked ALZ facility rather than AL because it sounds as if she will just walk out. This will not be with her agreement and will not be easy. If there is any way to do it, just do it. If you wait for her agreement it will probably never come. It has been 8 months since we placed Mom and Dad in AL. Dad is fine and thinks it is home but Mom wants to go home.

My sister made Mom an appointment with a Psychologist. In order for it to be helpful they have to understand and remember. Hours after her appointment I ask Mom how did the appointment go and she didn't even remember there was one. Whe I prompted her that she had been to the doctor she said he looked at her and everything was fine. Just my opinion but I don't think "talk therapy" does any good.

I am truly sorry you are having to go through all of this with your Mom. I do hope you can find resolution quickly for your Mom's safety and for your sanity. Check with the lawyer and see if you can sign for her and if not what you have to do and how long it will take. When you have the right answers and a time table you will feel better. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers and send warm hugs your way.

Love, deb

Oh dear....
I'm so sorry. This hasn't gone well, has it. I think it's time for you to consider either assisted living or a locked unit for your mom.

Having meals delivered would be OK, but as you said, the problem is getting her to eat them. You would find that she would be putting them all over the place, in the cupboard, in the fridge, in the oven, the pantry, you name it. If they require heating it may be beyond her ability to comprehend what needs to be done to get it hot.

Could you find a facility and take your Mom over for a visit? Do you think that she would be amenable for a walk through with no mention of living there? Do you know anyone who has a relative in a home that you could visit? Just so she could see that there aren't three headed ghouls at the corners waiting to scream at you? You could visit, then just go home with a neutral, nice place comment.

Or if it is to the point that you need to move your Mom in, blame it on Social Services. Say that someone must have called them because they were concerned about how thin she was etc. Blame it on the gov. Someone your Mom's age will readily fall for the gov. being responsible for that turn of events. But it is coming to the point where your Mom needs care that you can't provide. She needs meds for the anger outburst. She would do better with round the clock care and 24/7 medical eyes. And you will feel better for it also. It won't be easy and the longer you wait the harder it is going to be because the longer the time the deeper your mom is going to fall into her world of delusion...and that gets more and more convoluted.

If you can find a NH that you like, talk to the director. Often they have good ideas as to how to go about this. They have been doing this for far longer than any of us, and have dealt with many different folks. They may have a good idea of what they can do to make this work for you and your Mom.

Craftlady...staying home with your mom may sound like the answer to the problem, but you know in your mind that it isn't the cure all to the problem. Staying at home isn't going to bring your mom back to you unfortunately...and we don't need you exhausted and burned out from 24/7 care.

Your Mom deserves you in the best possible shape that you can be to take care of her also. If you are exhaused and mentally foggy, you won't be making the best choices for her if you are drained from caring for her 24/7. And it's not fair to your family either. This needs to be a win/win situation for the entire family.
<<<hugs>>>to you and your mom. It will work out. Just take a deep breath and take one day at a time, it's all anyone can ask.

The last couple of days have been awfull. Today she started calling me at 7 in the morning, couldnt understand why I wasnt answering my phone if I was at work. (this was not a miss print, she said that) When I did get up I called her. She said that she was wondering when I was going to pick her up because she was done with work. She only works weekends. I told her that it was only Friday morning, how could she be done with work. She insisted that she had gone to work and cleaned the place. I called her boss and sure enough she had been there and started cleaning. Which was not good because its a doctors office and they still had people to see today. I had a long talk with her boss. Apparently they have seen a decline in my mom over the last coulple of weeks. That was it for me, I called vunerable adults and told them what they said. She is showing up for work when she shouldnt and when they see her on the street she doesnt reconize them and they hear her saying things like "where was I going, what was I doing"
Vunerable adults went out and did an assesment, they finaly called me and told me that mom is showing signs of short term memory loss but is NOT in any iminate(sp?) danger. So they cant do anything.
So I have no choice, I talked to my hubbie and we decided that I needed to quit my job so mom can come stay with us untill I can get something else worked out for her. I am going to try to get though to her that I will be in charge of her meds and making sure she eats proper if she want to stay at my house. She want to stay here so maybe that would work. Maybe if she is on her meds proper for awhile she will stable out, yeah I know thats alot of maybies.
There is a memory clinic that Im going to try to get her into. Not sure how I will talk her into yet.
There are just so many things I dont know. Im grasping at straws. Her name is on a few lists for "special care units" I just dont know how the near future is going to play out.
My place of work told me that when I am able to come back, please do so. So atleast I know I can have my job back when its possable for me.

A word of advice from one that has been there crafty. Don't wait for your Mom to agree. Do what you have to do however you have to do it. One of the insidious effect of dementia is that the person that has it thinks they are perfectly ok and the rest of the world has gone crazy. If you tell her that she's having memory loss and need to be tested she will tell you that you are the one that is crazy. The only reason my Mom agreed to cognitive testing was to prove me wrong. When the results came back me and the doctors were all crazy..... but she was fine. So you just have to make it happen.

Even if you have the proof and talk her into something at a given moment she will not remember it or change her mind the next time it is mentioned. Whatever is agreed upon is only good for that moment in time. So again you just have to make it happen.

I think the toughest thing I had to do was realize that I was the responsible party. It was no up to my parents to do what was best for them but up to me to make sure it happened because they were incapable of making the rational logical decisions about their own safey and well being. So again you just have to make it happen.

Thankfully you can return to your old job at some point in the future. Kudo's to you for doing what you have to do in order to make sure your Mom is well cared for and safe. You do have a difficult road ahead of you. Hopefully the Memory Clinic will be able to help both you and your Mom. Keep searching for answers and arming yourself with education about the disease and where help is available. I wish you luck and keep typing. Know I keep you both in my thoughts and prayers.

Love, deb

Thank you for your kind words and help.

Now comes the task of rearranging my house.