should be happy with my life.

Here's why...

1. I have a GOOD job
2. I have beautiful 2 1/2 yr old boy/girl twins
3. I have a supportive family
4. My abusive husband is now my ex husband.

Here's why I'm not...

1. I'm ashamed of myself
2. I'm obese and nothing I do changes that. Everything from bulemia, anorxia, diet pills, extreme exersize. Nothing
3. I'm a single mother
4. I had to bury my first born son 4 years ago.

It seems like everything I do I mess up on. I don't have the energy to clean my house. I feel guilty for just doing the basic and letting my children live like this. I feel worthless and I can't help it. I shouldn't feel that way. I used to keep my house and car looking like better homes and garden. Now I'm lucky if I have the energy or willingness to mop my floors twice a week.

I don't want to get up in the morning. I can't sleep at night and I'm sick of it. I'm ashamed that I'm depressed and I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to because I don't want people to think I'm 'crazy'.

I keep telling myself that there are people worse off out there than I am. It doesn't work.

I hate feeling this way. This isn't me.

In the past 9 yrs I have gotten married, lost my grandfather, went through cocain addiction, got sober (5yrs now), quit smoking (5yrs now), went through fertility treatment, buried my first born son, went through a divorce and here I am.

Sitting here having a good ol' pitty party. I'm sick of it.

Dear Suzi,
I think most of us could list why we should be happy and why we aren't. It's the part of your life that you are not happy with that you need to work on changing.You've got you hands full - single Mom of toddler twins, working full time - I know just feeding them and keeping their clothes clean can be a challenge. And being heavy only adds to your fatigue.

I think you should go to your doctor and discuss a weight loss program and maybe some therapy to help you deal with the loss of your first born. If you haven't taken them before, anti-depressants may help - they sure help a lot of people. Depression is nothing to be ashamed of. You'd be surprised by how many people you may know with the same condition.I'm sure your weight has a lot to do with how you feel about your self - I know it does for most woman.

It's finally getting nice out. Summer time is such a great time just to go for a walk, sit outside and revel in the beauty of things. I hope you feel better soon.

JB

Thanks for the response. I just feel so lonely. When I go out to eat people look at me. When I go to the store people look in my cart. I was buying a pie the other day for a party and I heard someone say 'No wonder she's so fat'. I don't turn to food. I hardly eat. I constantly feel hungry. My dr has me on a 1,000 calorie a day diet.

I gained 75lbs with my first son in 22wks. I told the dr's something was wrong. I didn't feel good. I've never been heavy before. I used to work out 1-2hrs per day to avoid being heavy. Obesity runs in my family. All the woman on my mom's side.

My twins are my world. I love them more than anything in the world. I make sure that they know that and I try to never let them see me depressed. I don't hide my emotions from them though. When I cry I tell them why I'm sad.

I'm going to the dr on the 19th. I'm going to participate in a depression study so hopefully that will help. I've started a new 'thing'. I'm working 1hr on my house each day. No matter what. I think when I get it in order and find a home for everything I will feel better.

The thing I don't understand with my weight is the fact that I am active. I bought a swing set for the twins. I bought a bike for them. I got my bike in working order. Not that I "ride" it much when we go for a bike ride because my twins can't keep up with me.

I noticed last night that I've withdrawn from friends. My neighbor called and asked me what was wrong. Didn't I like her anymore. I told her no, that's not it. Just that I've been in a funk lately.

My cousin and sister called to tell me that I'm going to be their 'Summer Project'. I don't want to be anyone's project. I love life. I don't want to be this way but I can't help it. I can't help but to cry myself to sleep almost every night.

I give Thanks everyday that I had the guts to stand up to my ex husband and have him served with papers, face him in court, and when he didn't pay child support - draw up papers to hold him in content along with a withholding order. When he got the papers he got caught up and begged me not to have them withhold his pay. I did it anyway.

If I can be so strong on the outside why can't I on the inside?

Suzie-I think you've taken a major step forward by devoting one hour a day to your home. What a great start! That's something I should do-I know it would make me feel better. My depression was very hard to share with anyone except my husband for a long time. Why not accept your sister and cousin's offer to help you? Instead of feeling like someone's project, think of it as what it is: your loving family extending a helping hand to you in an effort to understand you and help you. Hope that helps.

Suzi, your doctor has checked your thyroid hasn't he? I'm so sorry for how rude people can be. My daughter is obese and found out last yr that she has PCOS and diabetes. She is such an intelligent and sweet person, but has no self esteem. She just turned 23 and my heart breaks for her. She is on an anti-depressant but told me the only time she's really happy is when she's eating. She has a skinny boyfriend that I could kick in the butt because she's pretty much his sugar mama. She has a pretty big income for a 23 yr old (computer geek) and pays about 80% of their expenses. Sorry, I got off track.

I agree with Sideliner. You should take advantage of your family's wish to help you. Let them - take the kids for the day while you have a day to yourself to either relax or get some things done. I had my daughters 15 months apart and worked full time. Free time was something I had very little of and savored when I got it. Or get a sitter and go out with them for a good time. Or, let them help you with a makeover - some new clothes, hair style, etc.

You and your doc will get things straighted out and you will begin to feel better about yourself which will open doors to many new things. You are a strong woman and you will get through this rough time in your life.

Hugs,

JB