I've been lurking a lot. Not posting because of school work, being lazy and other things that life calls for. I am still tapering, still working for the two children and I honestly could not tell you if the pills are still in the fridge. I no longer look, or want to take hers. There are days when I would give anything to get a break and feel the way I did when I was using a lot. I think what stops me is the fact that the feeling goes away and the guilt and self-punishment causes even more depression. I am used to the physical withdrawals, not that I like them but would take them over the depression any day. I usually find that after the physical anxiety and jumpiness my body gets so exhausted and the depression sinks in.
Again, the temporary fix is not appealing anymore because the depression always comes back worse. Since January I may have relapsed three times by a half of pill. I felt like a failure and disappointed that the depression still was there.
I have learned that my body is so used to coping with pills that the demons of my past must be dealt with. If I don't do it now, it would be very sad for me to be in the same position ten years from now. Hope keeps me going, little distractions like my nintendo and homework. Most of all getting out and socializing when I can pick my butt up off the couch.
Anyway that is where I am at. I am down to 4 1/2 norcos, the lowest I've been in over ten years without a major relapse that lasted over six months.
I am proud of myself but can't always feel it. School is very hard. Very Very stressful. But I will hang in there so I can get a goal accomplished.

Captnanny!

Hey, it is great to hear from you. I was kind of wondering what had happened to you and it is great to learn you are still on course.

Aw, Capt.. the exhaustion and depression are beasts for sure. I remember well the rotten anxiety and jumpiness as I tapered. And then the feeeling like I had been hit by a truck. It is really tough, but I promise you and end to it will come.

I think that as we taper down and allow the brain to start working again to produce what it needs to, we just hit points of total depletion during the days. The old brain has to take a break and revive itself. It is a tough balancing act between the pills coming down and the brain going up. It really is a tremendous amount of work to taper. I really do understand and appreciate the huge effort you are making dealing with it.

And yes, Capt, it would be tremendously sad if you found yourself in the same position in ten years. That is not going to happen, though! You have grasped the hope in the hard work of tapering and that is such an important key to success. Hold tight to that hope. Look how far you have come!

You have spent a lot of years in a not good place. When this tapering and healing process ends, you are going to be spending the rest of your life in a place that is so much better. Just like you exerrt so much effort in yoour schooling, knowing that the effort is going to reap rewards that are permanent... same with the tapering. Hard work, but so worth the end results.

Stay strong in your commitment and hope.... you are going to make it.
reach

hey capt - good to hear from you.

it sounds like you've had a tough time! - but it also sounds like you're coping with it too. its a hard slog - but im domn sure you can do it.

you are doing brilliantly - just keep on keepin on. baby steps all the way.

yoss

Thanks for the encouragement Reach and Yoss,
I miss posting, but as Reach pointed out there are some days where I feel like I've been hit by a truck and the exhaustion and depression take my breath away. I have sooooo much homework that I need to focus on that as well as it takes my mind off of whatever it is I'm obsessed about. This quarter is really hard for some reason. I think it's because I'm at the lowest dose I've ever been on and the issues that I spent covering up by using are now being dealt with, Yuck. H
Hope is what I cling to, the posts that I read and the knowing that I can find what life has to offer without the outside control of somebody else or something else.
It is rough, but I feel it is worth it becaus I have had times of pure enjoyment and have been able to postpone my dosage because I'm not constantly looking at the clock.
Hope everyone is doing well I hope everyone can find their chance of hope and life after detox.

Hey capp ---Goals Goals Goals. Just keep making them and dont for get them. The second you become complacent, the second the disease will come back. I know that personally I could NEVER taper that long. Seems like slow torture to me. I tried a few times and just flushed them and dealt with it. You have a plan and you need to stick with it. I know that someday you will get the darn pills out of your life and start to let YOU control your day. We are proud of you on here and are glad that you are back

D

M - It's so good to hear from you!!!! I thought you had disappeared. I hate to see that you're still not having an easy time of it. Mine has been easy, but now it's time to be finished... I'm trying not to be scared and be ready to take whatever comes, but as we all know, that can be hard. Anyway, just wanted to let you know I'm glad to hear from you, and keep posting to let us know how you are doing!!!

g8trgrl

OK I think I may have exaggerated the bad times I'm having with the tapering process. My depression is equal to the disease. I am proud of myself for going this long without "causing a medical reason" to use more. I used to do that for every ache and pain I would get. I would go to the doctor and probably exagerate my pain to get more pills. They were the best antidepressant, so I thought. Now they are no more than pain in the arse. My best course of action to break free of my demons and disease is to talk about it and go into the pain without using to cope. I have been able to let things out like never before, things that I didn't even know I had been feeling.
What I say to my therapist now is something like, I was living in this fantasy world with a vision of what happiness looked like. That was/is an illusion. If this fantasy were true I would be able to go back in time, become little and have a whole new life. That is just virtually impossible. So now that I have accepted that, I have to deal with my life as it is, was and prepare for the future, an unknown future not my tunnel vision of what "future" is supposed to be. I think that is where my useless coping has been. Using the pills to stay stuck in my fantasy. Now my bad times are because I'm saying goodbye to what I thought was a friend and "going into the pain." I have good times, school is a struggle but I am on track, making it to classes, keeping up with homework etc. The depression sucks. I have had it all my life because I made up this fantasy as a very little girl. What a bummer and a sort of happy feeling to realize that this would never happen. I get a chance now to see life on life's terms rather than trying to change it for my terms.
So yes I struggle, but I feel it is a good struggle, one that I have putting off for years and years. I know now that I have to work with the reality of things instead of hiding behind pills or manipulating everyone to believe my fantasy of reality.
Does this make anysense.
To all Mother's out there
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!!!!
MP

Brutal honesty here folks.
I did not tell you all that I also went off of ativan. After reading a lot of posts, I decided to taper that also. I would use it occasionally, it was prescribed for panic attacks. One bottle of 30 would last one or two months. Though that may not have sounded like a lot to me at first, I realized through tapering at the beginning I was starting to use it more. I haven't had one since January 14th. I don't know why I never said this. It hit me this morning while I was changing the clonidine patch. I'm on a patch that I change once a week and down to four clonidine a day. I never thought about ativan as being a mood altering substance for me but when I read through the posts about benzo's I realized that I was increasingly using the ativan during withdrawal. I went down quickly. Only allowing myself one a day, then one like every other day or week. Completely off in January. My doc did recognize this also, one day when I asked for a refill he asked me if he was going to have to send me to the mayo clinic for addiction. That was a hit in the head.
Just thought I'd share since it's time to come clean with myself and others.