01 September 2006 my life changed forever when my beautiful, darling Natalie died suddenly and unexpectedly at the the age of 16.

Like everyone on here, I got through the funeral, the early days etc, etc and I'm now in trouble. I think I tried to carry on as normal as much as I could and I know it was the wrong thing to do. I'm now at the point where I am alienating everyone - almost like I'm on a self destruct mission and I want it to stop.

My son, now 17, has rarely spoken about his sister since the day she died and barely speaks to me - probably my own fault and my partner, who has been with me every step of the way has had enough - I'm afraid that, when I get drunk on wine I accuse him of all sorts of terrible things which are totally untrue.

I had a good career which I left a few months after her death and I've walked out of several jobs since, I can't settle to anything.

I have not seen a counsellor as I believe they can't understand unless they have been in this situation and that brings me to my question:

Is this the way I was always going to be? Would I be like this if Nats was still here? Do we change anyway? Or am I starting to be realistic and realise what losing her has done to me?

Any thoughts - even if it is, 'yes, you're mad Amanda' would be appreciated.

Thank you.x

Hi Amanda,

I'm so, so sorry for your loss. It sounds like your in a depression now, which is understandable. I would maybe give counseling a try. They don't have to understand exactly what you're going through to help...sometimes they can get you talking by asking questions that other non-professionals won't ask, which in turn, can sometimes help. I recently lost my daughter...five weeks ago...although she was much younger than your daughter, it too was sudden and unexpected. Going through a death is never easy, but losing our children suddenly with no answers as to why is traumatizing. I'm only five weeks out...but I feel that I've changed in some major ways, and I don't know who I've become, nor do I like the person I've become. You're further out into this process of grief; I wish I could tell you it will get easier but I can't honestly tell you that...but I can tell you that from what I'm experiencing now, and what so many other people have told me...You're not going mad at all. You're a grieving mama...you lost a child...no one will be the same after that. Try and hang in there, okay? Grieve as you need to...even if it is years out...and maybe, just maybe think about giving counseling a try. You never know, it could help. (((hugs))) to you,
Amber

Hi Amber

Many thanks for your reply, so very sorry for your little girl, 5 weeks is not long and I'm not the right person to tell you it gets easier because I handled everything wrong but I do hope you can find a sense of peace to help you get through.
Natalie had mild cerebral palsy but she was also epileptic, she was on holiday with her Dad - we split up when Nats was a baby but made sure we kept it amicable for her - and 2 days before she was due to come home, I received a call to tell me Natalie was found in the bath and wasn't breathing. It was like a nasty nightmare, one second they told me she was not alive, next second she wasn't and on an on it went with no-one telling me the truth. We rushed to the hospital but she was gone. (she had had a fit, the contents of her stomach went into her lungs and she drowned). What no-one told me for a couple of days was that her Dad and his wife left Natalie in the bath for an hour and a half without checking her. I know she was 16 but we had a routine at home that ensured her safety whilst allowing her privacy and I took it for granted that they did the same. Clearly not.

Relations between myself and them have totally broken down as they feel no guilt or responsibility - 'it was meant to be' is their thought. I can't understand this and to be honest it probably hasn't helped the grieving process. I feel so angry that I can't move forward.

My baby died on her own and it could have been avoided, that's the hardest part - knowing that there is a strong chance that she would still be here today.

Maybe I will give the counselling a try but a site like this is possibly better as we're all in the same horrible situation.

I don't know if you have seen the Chinese earthquake reports but today I watched one and it highlighted a great number of parents whose children were at school at the time of the quake and it was heartbreaking, so many children lost in such a way and I know all of us on here can understand exactly how those parents feel.

I hope you're doing ok Amber, thoughts to you and again my thanks for replying.
Take Care of yourself
Amanda.x

Hi I'm sorry for your loss it hurts so deeply. I'm not a mother and may chances were cut when my husband of almost ten years commited suicide about 3 months ago. My pain is so unbearable that I just rather sleep as much as possible. My life is empty and it has no point. He was very depressed but he hid it so well. He had a very horrible child at the hands of an uncle and his own mother. He suffered things no child ever should and its an amazement he lived till 28. My husband hung himself while I was in the garage watching a basketball room. I've been seeing a counselor and taking but I honestly nothing takes the pain and anger away. The only advice I can you is to grieve as much as you can but keep in mind you have a family who needs. I'm completely alone with four dogs. At 28, I'm wishing for a disease or car accident because I'm too weak to kill myself. You must have a lot of questions just like but God is the only one that can answer. We can trully comfort each because now we know real pain the kind that no pill can take away. Again I'm sorry for your loss but just thank God for the wonderful opportunity he gave you of being your daughters mum. I wish blessing and plenty of comfort for you and your family. Please don't forget about them and cherish them forever.

Please dont feel alone. I too am widowed 6 weeks ago. My husband had a massive heart attack in the middle of the night and it was a nightmare. I was with him and I dont think he ever knew it but it was horrible. I too am where you are. I sit at home. Why? I dont know. I have family and friends who come and I go to the grocery store etc. Everyone wants me to go somewhere. Mts, Beach. etc. I DO NOT want to go anywhere now. I cant get that across. I can be in a room of 10 people and still be alone. We both have got to fight this and live. I am sure your husband would want you to live and go on. No, we both will never have the life we intended, but someway, we will have a different life. I, like you can see no future right now but God is with us and will help us. I am reading a book called"Good Grief" . It is the best I have ever read. Someone gave it to me. Try to find it. You will be in my prayers along with my own. We will survive. My sweet husband and I were happy and looking forward to so much. Why did this happen? Only our good God knows, but he is a loving and good god.
Take care. Go outside. Walk. Anything. Sincerely, didi708