I am a member of an online diary website, have had my diary on there for more than 3 years now. On it, you have the option to not accept notes, to accept "safe" notes (signed by the person's authorname) or all notes, which can include unsigned notes or notes from people who aren't members.
Since I have friends of mine online that aren't members, I changed it to All notes just a few months ago.
Things went fine until two days ago, when I received my first rude unsigned note in a very long time. It was minor, making a rude statement about Justin and I "looking like a trailor trash couple" and it didn't really bother me. Then I got one that simply said "hahaha," the next one is what really affected me.
It read "So how'd you get herpes? Is Justin messing around on you?"
I found that to be rude and hurtful on so many different levels. First, that they accused my future husband on infidelity. Next, that they assumed it was their business- that they read far back enough to find out I had it, but not enough to find out why. Obviously, they don't know much about HSV either, or they wouldn't have assumed that him cheating on me was the only logical explanation.
I guess I might be a bit over-sensitive, but I don't know. It just kind of adds to that whole feeling of shame, and shows just how much people DON'T know about HSV.
I've since changed my diary to safe notes only, and am second-guessing whether or not I should have shared my Herpes experience (I did this to try to help educate others on oral sex and HSV-1)
Why do people have to be so hurtful?

Originally posted by TickledPeenk:
I guess I might be a bit over-sensitive, but I don't know. It just kind of adds to that whole feeling of shame, and shows just how much people DON'T know about HSV. I've since changed my diary to safe notes only, and am second-guessing whether or not I should have shared my Herpes experience (I did this to try to help educate others on oral sex and HSV-1) Why do people have to be so hurtful?

The fact of the matter is 98% of people really do not understand truths about HSV - from acquiring, its dormancy issues, misdiagnoses, etc. I think one of the biggest problems is the naming issue. Cold sores versus genitial herpes (gen OBs). That right there alone brings to totally different points of view to mind. Commericals saying a) relieve your cold sores with our chap stick b) there is no cure for genital herpes. Those things alone can make a person carry the wrong stigma particularly about hsv2.

I myself did not understand in HSV until having been diagnosed and even know I find myself learning something new as time passes. People with these views of equating HSV to the likes of AIDS can make it hard for people just diagnosed, still not accepting H, or those who have partners with H. I'm not sure of a way to change this stereotype but maybe the medical community can try something better to stop making cold sores seem good and herpes a life long death trap. You'd think cancer would be a better diagnosis.

Maybe many H suffers wouldn't be depressed and upset.

Peenk, I'm so sorry you got scraped over hot coals by these idiots. Unfortunately, when you make your personal thoughts and experiences open to the general public you're going to get general idiots reading and commenting. I can't imagine putting my diary online or letting others read it unless I absolutely know them. I think there's a lot to be said for drawing good boundaries around your personal experiences and who you share them with.

However, I commend you for wanting to put your experience out there as an education and sharing vehicle for others. I don't know how these diary sites work (I never even knew they existed) but what about taking out a separate membership just to talk about herpes? That way you could get a little more specific and pointed about wanting to educate the public and reach others who have it and help them deal with it. It might be something to consider, although more time consuming. You could even respond to some of the more ignorant comments by using them as examples of how misinformed and biased the general public tends to be (and everyone absorbs these attitudes).

I think the general societal attitudes about STDs in general (even worse for chronic ones like HSV and HIV) are based on fear. People deal with that fear by finding ways to divide the world into Safe versus Unsafe people, and then distance themselves from the so-called Unsafe people by disparaging them. People often love to put others down and make them seem undesirable or bad somehow in order to assure themselves that *they're* okay; otherwise they might see that "There but for the grace of God go I." And the media and public attitudes about HSV and HIV send the message that it's okay to do that. <sigh>

It's pure crap, of course, but that's unfortunately what happens with many people. Those people who replied like that are scared it could happen to them and need to distance themselves by painting you in a bad light. It's THEIR problem and you don't have to take it on...although I think it's wise to avoid setting yourself up to be hurt by these guys. Easier said than done, I guess, but you have to fight against taking it personally.

So have a hug, draw some better boundaries for yourself (like you're already doing), and then rethink how you want to continue your (valuable) mission of HSV outreach. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

The1in4

I think one of the biggest problems is the naming issue. Cold sores versus genitial herpes (gen OBs). That right there alone brings to totally different points of view to mind. Commericals saying a) relieve your cold sores with our chap stick b) there is no cure for genital herpes.

That's an excellent point, JNF. I hadn't thought of the larger message quite like that, but you're right. It really paints a distorted picture of each, minimising one and maximising the other.

People with these views of equating HSV to the likes of AIDS can make it hard for people just diagnosed, still not accepting H, or those who have partners with H.

I'm not quite sure what you mean by this. I find far more similarities than differences between HSV and HIV. They're both chronic STDs and are therefore caught in similar ways (although with some technical differences). Both populations get the same disparaging attitudes and moral judgements because sex was usually involved in how they got it and because both are very contagious and chronic. In both cases, that judgement also tends to be lifted for those who got it non-sexually (cold sores for HSV and blood transfusions for HIV).

And of course the HIV people get the added condemnation about being (assumed to be) gay, because it unfortunately caught hold first in the gay community, thus mushrooming there faster than in the hetero community. Neither population asked for it or deserves it.

I'm not sure of a way to change this stereotype but maybe the medical community can try something better to stop making cold sores seem good and herpes a life long death trap. You'd think cancer would be a better diagnosis.

Actually, I think doctors too often tend to minimise herpes. Because it's not a life-threatening disease they will gloss over the psychological effects and oversimplify its prevention. "Oh, just use a condom," or "Oh, just use Saran Wrap for oral sex." Maybe you've had a different experience than I have though. I'm not sure how to change the stereotype either, although I think more public education could help, which is unbiased and more thorough.

The1in4

[This message has been edited by TheOneInFour (edited 04-01-2003).]

1in4-
My doctor minimized it with me as well, but at the same time also didn't ease our fears very much either. When we asked about J's chances of catching it and such and such, he basically said that it didn't look good and we had to use condoms every time we had sex. The funny thing is, he never mentioned that it is still possible to contract herpes even when using condoms.
As for a seperate diary for HSV- first of all, I did try that. I started it in Februrary, put myself out there on the diary circles, and have only gotten ONE note, two weeks ago. Secondly, while I am a little aprehensive about subjecting myself to ridicule, I also want to be honest in my diary. HSV is part of my life, and I write about my life.
I also think that the fact that I have an identity and a face, (I have links to a website that has pictures of J and I) and they see that I'm an average college student, they realize that it could be them and that scares them? There are many reasons why people say hurtful things, and all of them make them look bad, I suppose.
JNF-
I totally know what you're talking about! About a month ago, a friend of mine shared a very intimate secret with me, and I told her about my HSV. She asked how I got it, so I told her. She didn't even know that cold sores were herpes! She thought they were two different things.
Just goes to show what little education there is out there. You would think they would try harder to educate us about it, especially in sex ed. Knowledge is the first step in cutting down transmission.