Hi..
I need some advice,
I met this woman..she is very attractive..understanding..honest...ever ything that I would look for in a woman.
She just told me she has genital herpes.
Im not that familiar with herpes..

I have some questions if someone can help me please..


Can i get it by kissing her.
Can i get it having oral sex..
can i get it by her giving me oral sex
what about if i use a condom..how much is the risk.

She says that she hasn't had an outbreak in yrs...does that mean it is unlikely for me to catch it.

Or please be honest... if you were me..would you not have a relationship with her and just stay friends..
please be honest..
thank you soda

Hey Soda,

I'm no expert by any means of the imagination but here's my input for what it's worth...

First find out what type of genital herpes she has. It's either HSV-1 or HSV-2. She's stated to you she hasn't had an out break in years, so I'm thinking it's HSV-1. HSV-1 is less powerful when it's found in it's "non-prefered" location.

HSV-1 Usually responisble for cold sores and in most cases lives above the waist

HSV-2 Usually know as genital herpes and in most cases lives below the waist

Although both types have prefered locations they can exsist above and below the waist.


I'll have a crack at your questions...

I have read on many websites that during an OB (out break), intimate sexual contact should be avioded.

Some sites state that you can spead the virus herpes via kissing during an out break.

With relation to oral sex... read this excert from an other member, TheFourInOne - she is a Senior Veteran of this site and has some amazing advise on the topic of Genital Herpes.. on a previous post she wrote:

"...Even oral sex is not as much of an issue as you might think, since a vast majority of people already have HSV-1 orally, so you don't have to worry about infecting them since they already have it. It doesn't mean you don't take precautions, like avoiding sexual contact around OB times, but it's not as much of an issue in that case."

In the above case the person in question was infected with HSV1 and had concerns about oral sex.

The fact that she hasn't had an out break in years doesn't mean your less likely to catch it exactly.. but they say the longer you have it.. the less out breaks you have.. the virus is only contasgious buring out breaks and "shedding" phase.

I recommend that you read up and learn as much as you can about it herpes.. both types.. knowlegde is king. Try herpes.org and some other sites.

If I was in your shoes.. and I know I'm not..I'd continue to see her.. in a relationship I mean..

Don't let the fact that she has herpes stop you from seeing her.. if she's the type of girl you're interest in normally... go for it. Don't let herpes scare you off. The more you know about the virus, the better equiped you'll be to go forward in a relation with this girl.

You may never know the potental of the relation if you cut it short due to the fact she has herpes. Dating anyone that "has" anything might put a strain on the relationship, but that all depends on the feeling both parties have for each other. Strong enough, they can overcome anything.

If she was asked before being infected, if she'd like to have genital herpes.. I'm sure she would have passed on the offer...but I'm sure she didn't have too much of a choice in the matter. It's something she lives with. It's not like she can give it up, although I'm sure she would given the chance.

Don't let that fact that she was "unlikey", change the way you feel about her. If anything, think about the courage she showed in telling you. She knows the risk that you may run...she opted to be honest with you.

You have to admire her for that... I know I do.

[This message has been edited by Scared77 (edited 04-03-2003).]

[This message has been edited by Scared77 (edited 04-03-2003).]

[This message has been edited by Scared77 (edited 04-03-2003).]

Hi Soda,

I would mostly agree with Scared77, although I'm going to tweak the information and context a bit. (Thanks for the compliment, Scared! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif ) For starters, learn more about it (although be aware there's a lot of conflicting information out there on the Net). Start with the sites listed in this board's Resource Links (on the discussion list page). I especially like herpes.org because it covers a wide range of topics and is run by a doctor with expert and extensive experience in the field. There's also a great book called "The Truth About Herpes" by Dr. Stephen Sacks that has excellent information.

The bottom line is: Although it is less likely that you'd get it from her, it's still possible. If she hasn't had an OB (outbreak) in years, it sounds like her body and health are pretty stable, which will minimise OBs and how much the virus is active. Unfortunately, she could still pass it on, even without symptoms. She may not be aware of this, as this information came to light via research in the last 10 years or so and even many doctors aren't aware of this.

Specifically to your questions: Yes, you could get it by giving her oral sex. If she has oral herpes, you could get oral herpes by kissing her...but by the same token you have about as much chance as she does of having oral herpes, so she could be at risk for getting it from you that way too.

You cannot catch her genital herpes by kissing her on the mouth though; that would require some kind of skin-to-skin contact with her genital area. You could not get her genital herpes by her giving you oral sex...although there's always a risk with anyone of contracting their oral herpes on your genitals that way, since most of us has oral herpes (more on that below).

Condoms definitely help and are strongly advised, even between OBs, but unfortunately don't offer 100% protection. Herpes is spread through skin-to-skin contact and the condom prevents that contact only on a small area of your skin.

Should you have a relationship with her? No one but you can answer that, of course, but I definitely would recommend you not to dismiss her out of hand because of this. It's not a case of "being honest" with you but of considering the factors, since it's never a clear Yes or No answer with herpes. It depends on your situation.

Here are some things to consider. The numbers alone say that even if you avoid intimacy with this woman, you aren't guaranteed not to be exposed to herpes if you choose to be intimate with someone else instead. Somewhere between 20-25% of the population has genital herpes, yet as many as 90% of them are estimated to be undiagnosed and don't know they have it. This is because they either don't get symptoms or don't realise the symptoms they have are herpes. Unfortunately this doesn't mean these people can't pass it on, even though they're usually contagious only a small percentage of the time without symptoms.

So most people who have herpes don't know it; out of those who do know it, most will be honest (as she has been...which took a LOT of courage on her part, btw) but some aren't. Bottom line: Yes, you do stand a chance of catching it from her, but you don't eliminate your risk by rejecting her and going with someone else.

I'm not trying to scare you with all this, but to show that you're at some risk with any new lover until you BOTH get blood-tested to rule out both forms herpes. So in that context...are you absolutely sure you don't have it already? The statistics suggest there's a one in four chance you might. Before you decide about this woman, I'd suggest you get yourself blood-tested (be sure it's a type-specific test or the information will not be very useful) to find out for sure.

Here's some general information about herpes: There are two types of HSV (herpes simplex virus) that she might have. HSV-1 is mostly found in the form of cold sores around the mouth. A vast majority of the population has this, usually caught from non-sexual contact with family and friends in childhood. Although it thrives most easily and readily in the mouth area, it is possible to pass this on to someone's genitals via oral sex (or other parts of the body too). It happens less often but it does happen. You should ask her which type she has. Genital HSV-1 is often much milder in frequency and severity of OBs than genital HSV-2.

HSV-2 is mostly found in the genital area but can be contracted anywhere else on the body, just like HSV-1. Oral HSV-2 seems to be pretty rare (according to some sources that should be reliable) but not impossible. And of course it would be especially contagious during intercourse when the virus is active in her body. Although a condom will usually reduce the risk of you catching it through intercourse, there's still a risk.

As far as contagiousness goes, this is where herpes gets tricky. It is contracted through skin-to-skin contact with an area that is shedding the virus. This is usually an old OB site but not always. The virus lives dormant in the nervous system and periodically reactivates (for reasons not clearly understood, although stress is frequently a factor). When this happens it will often produce a lesion on the skin (blister, sore, rash, redness, etc.) referred to as an outbreak. When this happens the person is definitely contagious in that place and possibly surrounding areas.

However when visible symptoms are not present the person may or may not be shedding the virus, and unfortunately there's often no way to detect when this happens. It's called "asymptomatic viral shedding" and typically happens about 5% of the time in between obvious OBs (although this percentage can vary widely per individual).

Sorry if this was more information than you needed to know. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif Herpes can be tricky and I wanted to help you understand the complexities a bit and why it's not a simple Yes or No answer where your friend is concerned. If you want my advice, I'd say hang in there with her, since you seem to like her as a person and want more than just sex with her. You two will need to talk about when you're both ready to have intimate contact and what kinds of precautions to take. She might be willing to take antiviral drugs on a daily, preventive basis which can reduce any viral shedding she may have even further.

Herpes isn't a cakewalk, but relationships never are. However, her honesty and integrity in telling you about it show that she's a keeper from that alone. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif And with all the things that can go wrong in a relationship and in life, if herpes is the worst you two ever have to deal with then you're doing pretty good.

Good luck!! Let us know what you decide and how you make out.

TheOneInFour

Soda:

Sorry to hear of your dilema. Hope this helps: I was dx with genital HSV-1 back in Nov. '02. The guy I think I got it from denies even knowing what herpes is, and said that he "never had any problems down there." He never went to get tested, but still continued to have unprotected sex with me, until we broke up for various other reasons. (I still think he knew he had it and didn't tell me, why else would he continue to have unsafe sex??)

Looking back, if he had told me that he had it, I will be honest, I NEVER would have slept with him. But, let me back that up by saying that he definitely was NOT long-lasting relationship material. Lots of baggage with family, father, alcoholism, etc......
I'm not saying that I would NOT have slept with him simply because of the herpes -- I'm saying that I would have carefully weighed the 'relationship potential' to see if that outbalanced the risk. **I also would have been ALOT MORE CAREFUL as far as safe sex goes with any and every other partner, because what a wake up call that would have been. Funny, how you think you can look at someone and think "nah, they don't have anything," that is, until you're diagnosed with something.

Anyway, to make long story short, I just had to tell this really great new guy I've been seeing about my HSV. (this is the first time I've had to have "the talk" since my dx.) I was absolutely positive that once I told him he would never talk to me again. We've only been talking for about a month and I didn't want to tell him too soon, because I wanted him to get to know me before he passed judgment. And I was so sure that he'd run, that I wanted to enjoy what we did have while it lasted.

As our relationship was progressing,(so far, we've made out a few times, but that's it.) I felt that I had to tell him now, before it went any further, partly so that I could "steel myself" and prepare for him to run.

Please keep in mind that telling someone about my HSV status is not something I take lightly, because, I don't want the whole darn world knowing. So, after my dx, I figured that only those with "relationship potential" would get "the TALK." One thing good, I guess, is that my HSV will certainly curtail any casual sex I may think that I want to have (but then usually regret down the line and think "OK, what were you thinking?") because I don't plan on having sex with someone without telling them, and I don't plan on telling anyone that doesn't have long-lasting relationship potential.

Bottom line: I told him, and he accepted it. His exact words were "and you think I'm the type of person who would just walk away because of that? We'll just have to make informed decisions together." I was absolutely floored. And then he said "if we like each other enough, we can get through this." His acceptance and support, and his whole attitude about it have made such a difference in my world, I just can't explain it in words.

Any of my past partners would have been the type to turn and run like the wind - never to look back again. But then, I start to think that maybe that's been the problem in my past relationships. I was always getting involved with the wrong type of man. I needed to find someone who wouldn't run, no matter what.

So, MY question to you is: which kind of person are you? If you think there is relationship potential, go for it!! If not, than you and her need to sit down and have another kind of talk.

But, whatever happens, please respect her for having the courage (and the moral conscience) to tell you the truth and be honest no matter what the cost to herself - even if it means losing you and whatever future you may have together. And, even more importantly, please respect her privacy, for it is no ones place but hers to share the knowledge of her HSV with anyone.

Good luck. And please let us know what happens. *subliminal message: we all love a story with a happy ending* http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/rolleyes.gif


20/20 http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/dance.gif

thank you guys so much,
I have to say that you guys helped me look at my situation in a different kind of light.
I have to confess..i was leaning on not going to have a relationship with her...but Ive decided to not to judge so fast and im going to learn alot more about this virsus "i guess thats what you call it"...Im still not able to say that im going to have a relationship with her..but I think with more info and time it might happen...we'll have to see.
I'll keep you updated...k
thanks
bye
soda