Back in mid-Oct. I had "relations" with a new partner. About two days later, I developed symptoms of what I thought was a yeast infection. I treated it with OTC meds and it got better in a few days, but didn't seem to completely go away. We had sex again, and the symptoms returned. It just so happened that I had an appt. with OB/GYN to discuss birth control (IUD v. tubal ligation). I mentioned to him that I couldn't get rid of this "irritation." He asked if I used condom with new partner, and I said no. After his lecture about safe sex (which I wish I had listened to earlier), he said that sometimes another partners PH level can be irritating and that it should eventually adjust.
In late-Nov., about 6 weeks after first contact with new partner, I had my first OB. It was absolutely excrutiating and I thought maybe it was a urinary tract infection at first. I mentioned to my partner that I thought this "infection" was something more serious and made an appointment with dr. He assured me several times that he "never had any problems down there," and that it was "probably something you can just take some medicine for."
My dr. told me it looked like classic herpes (which I already thought after researching symptoms on internet) and she took samples from several lesions. Results came back positive for HSV-1. When I told my partner, he said he didn't even know what "herpes" was -- which of course leads me to believe that he knew he was infected and intentionally denied any knowledge of it. I mean, come on, who doesn't know what herpes is -- Anyway, he said he'd get checked by his dr. ASAP. Of course, he never did, and we have since broken up for various reasons, which makes this whole thing such a life-learning experience I wish I never had!
History: I was married for 7 years, and in between "new partner" and husband, there was only one other person, couple of months before "new partner." Ex-husband has always gotten cold-sores ever since I met him, but I have never had any problems orally or otherwise, other than one or two cold sores I remember having when I was a little girl (maybe 20 yrs. ago).
First question: what are the chances that my Ex-H gave this to me long ago and that I was asymptomatic up to this point?
2nd: What are the chances that I gave this to myself via transferring the virus through saliva to my genital area, assuming that I already have HSV-1 orally, which I'm not sure of.
3rd: Is my sex life ruined forever? (because it feels like it is.)
4th: How on earth do I tell any future partners, and when, or even IF I should? (I feel that I should warn them of the risk, and let them decide because I wish I had the chance).
5th: What exactly are the risks? I am so paranoid about spreading the virus to other parts of me, especially my lips and eyes!! I must've gone through 5 tubes of Blistex already - plain ol' chapped lips are freakin' me out, and now I keep getting this little pimple like red bump right under my nose - it lasts for a day or two and then disappears, and I'm afraid my whole face is going to turn into "one big herpie!"
6th: Will I ever get to enjoy receiving oral sex again?? Or for that matter, sex period??
I've read just about every web page on herpes that I can find, but nothing seems to be very definitive as far as having sex and passing the virus to your partner - other than "use a condom" - and again, spreading the virus to other body parts.
I am so disappointed with myself for letting this happen to me. I'm smarter than that, and I should have been more careful -- hence the username 20/20Hindsight -- I'm just really thankful that it wasn't something worse.
Any advice will be greatly appreciated!! Thank God it wasn't something worse.....

20/20, I can't add a whole lot to your questions since I am "new at this" myself. What I can say is that in my case, it appears as if I've had this a long time and it just surfaced (read my recent posting). As far as your sex life goes, no, it is not over. This seems to be manageable and as 1in4 has mentioned, you'll just have to get to know your body. This doesn't make you a bad person or any less of a woman. Don't punish yourself and don't dwell on what you can fix. One other wise member how posted gave some dramatic advice for someone else recently - live.

One last thing; this board seems to be filled with some pretty good/knowledgeable/helpful people - some very young, some more experienced.

what were your symptoms like after your first contact? also how long after that did your first OB occur?did the original symptoms ever go away before the OB came?

Hi 20/20,

Sooo sorry to hear about your situation! You're one of many who get it and never know for sure when or from whom. I am one of those too. I think I know who I got it from and when but I'll never know for sure. To your questions...

First question: what are the chances that my Ex-H gave this to me long ago and that I was asymptomatic up to this point?

2nd: What are the chances that I gave this to myself via transferring the virus through saliva to my genital area, assuming that I already have HSV-1 orally, which I'm not sure of.

The chances of you having got it from your ex-DH are far greater than transferring it yourself. Genital HSV-1 is almost always caused by receiving oral sex from someone who has oral HSV-1. HSV-1 in the genital region is often very mild in its symptoms because it's not its preferred location, so it's very possible you had this for a while without getting symptoms.

However you could just as easily have got it from "Mr. I-don't-know-what-herpes-is." I suspect, like you do, that he wasn't quite as ignorant as he let on, but it is true that a lot of people don't know the facts about cold sores. They might know they're contagious, but many think it's contagious like a cold is; they don't realise it's a chronic recurring condition they could pass on. Some people don't even realise that cold sores are caused by the herpes virus. So he really might not have realised the risk he may have put you in...although he might not have really wanted to know either.

3rd: Is my sex life ruined forever? (because it feels like it is.)

NO!! It is definitely not over or ruined! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif There are many people out there who are capable of seeing you as the wonderful person you are, not as a diagnosis, and you WILL find each other. If having "the talk" with someone is more than you can deal with right now, there is a wonderful dating site online for people with herpes. Do a search and I'm sure you'll find it.

There are precautions you'll need to take, like not having skin-to-skin contact with the infected area around OB times and other strategies depending on your partner's status. It will take a bit more effort and awareness but it's not insurmountable.

4th: How on earth do I tell any future partners, and when, or even IF I should? (I feel that I should warn them of the risk, and let them decide because I wish I had the chance).

It is extremely important to tell a new partner before you become intimate with them. Like you point out, it's only fair to let the other person know so that they can make their own choice about it. It's bad enough to get it when the person doesn't know they have it and it's an innocent mistake. It's another thing entirely to find out you got it from someone and they withheld that information from you and denied you the right to decide for yourself if you were willing to take the risk with them.

How to tell them is a much longer discussion, but it has been talked about on this board and the messages are in the archives. Try doing a search for words like "talk" and "partner" and "tell" and you'll find some good discussions that talk about how, when, where to tell and what to say.

The main things to remember is: (1) DO tell your partner before you have sexual contact. (2) Choose a time when you can talk about it rationally and in private, and not when you're in the throes of passion. (3) Have information ready to answer your partner's questions, which could include websites, printouts or brochures.

5th: What exactly are the risks? I am so paranoid about spreading the virus to other parts of me, especially my lips and eyes!!

The main thing to remember is that if you touch an OB area, be sure to wash your hands before touching other places on your body, especially areas with think skin or mucous membrane, like rubbing your eyes. The virus has to penetrate the surface of the skin in order to relocate to a new site, and so it's usually found in areas of thin or mucous membrane skin, or somewhere where you had a cut or scratch or something.

Also remember that just because you have HSV-1 genitally, that doesn't mean it will create OBs on your face. They are independent of each other as far as OBs are concerned, even though it's the same virus in both places (assuming you DO have it orally too). If you're getting OBs around your mouth now (if that's what that is, which it may not be) then it's most likely due to the stress you're putting yourself through worrying about it. So relax! Don't be so hard on yourself! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

6th: Will I ever get to enjoy receiving oral sex again?? Or for that matter, sex period??

Same answer as above: Yes, you will definitely have wild passionate wonderful fulfilling thrilling sex again! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/biggrin.gif Even oral sex is not as much of an issue as you might think, since a vast majority of people already have HSV-1 orally, so you don't have to worry about infecting them since they already have it. It doesn't mean you don't take precautions, like avoiding sexual contact around OB times, but it's not as much of an issue in that case.

There are no guarantees you won't pass it on to a new partner who doesn't have it (either orally or genitally), but then every person stands a 1 in 4-5 chance they'll become involved with someone who has genital herpes and as many as 90% of those infected people don't know they have it, so do the math.

I don't mean to be glib about it but nothing in life has NO risk. If you keep thinking of herpes as being the end of the world, you'll intimidate yourself into lifelong isolation, which is unnecessary and pointless. It helps immensely to cultivate a sense of perspective about this.

Learn as much as you can about herpes. Check out all the Resource Links on this board for good information. I especially like herpes.org which is run by health professionals with expert experience in the field. There's a great book called "The Truth About Herpes" by Dr. Stephen Sacks, which is excellent for information. Also check out ASHA (Amer. Social Health Assn.) and Planned Parenthood for good info and the latter may have info about local support groups, which are another great resource for you in learning how to cope with this. There are also all kinds of yahoo groups for people with herpes.

And stop beating yourself up over this! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif It's frustrating and even infuriating to find out you have it, but it doesn't help to turn that on yourself by being hard on yourself and berating yourself for not having avoided it. Somewhere between 20-25% of the population has genital herpes and it's estimated that most of us got it from people who either didn't know they had it or didn't realise they could pass it on without visible symptoms being present. Sounds like that's the same for you. So this is not always something we can protect ourselves from, and with poor public education out there it's even harder to stay up to date with this stuff. So don't be so hard on yourself.

Hope that helps. Give yourself a hug and concentrate on strengthening your self-esteem and self-worth. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

TheOneInFour

(((20/20)))
I have what I believe to be HSV-1 myself, because I contracted it by means of oral sex when my BF had a cold sore. I will be confirming this with a blood test next week.
Like yours, my primary outbreak was incredibly painful as well.
I myself believe it's a little odd that this partner "hadn't heard of herpes"
I can also relate to how you are angry with yourself for being careless or what not. Before my BF went to perform oral sex on me, he asked me if him having a cold sore would be a problem. I thought about it, but like many other people, thought genital herpes could only be type 2. I wish I had been educated on the facts, and maybe this whole situation could have been avoided.
But don't beat yourself up over it. What's done is done and all you can do is move forward.
Your love life (and sex life) isn't over. And you are DEFINITELY not alone.

Thanks, you guys, for your input. I'm trying to keep everything in perspective here, but I just can't help but be paranoid about touching myself ANYWHERE. I feel like I have "cooties." And now, I'm worried about passing it to my children. This a.m., I went to wipe the "eye boogies" out of my 1 1/2 yr. olds eyes, and hesitated because I couldn't remember if I'd scratched my bikini line (from shaving)after getting out of bed.
My first and only OB was confined to the genital area, but I do think I had a blister on the inside of my thigh, though it could have been an ingrown hair from shaving....not sure. The OB was kinda like I had wild sex with a penis made out of poison ivy. It burned so bad when I went pee that it made me cry. (and having two children, two tattoos, and a belly button piercing didn't) http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif
It seems from listening to you guys that I only have to be "extra careful" during an OB, or when I think one is coming (tingling, etc.). Am I correct? Or do I need to freak out everytime I touch my groin area?? Even masturbation is losing its fun because I'm so afraid of "spreading contamination."
What really sucks, is that I met this great guy --no, really, I mean it this time http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif He truly is a great guy - not a pretend one - and I'm very afraid that after I tell him that he's gonna run (which I truly would not blame him for doing...) We've made out a few times in the last couple of weeks, but I told him that we needed to wait like 6 mos. to do anything more. He's been fine with that (so far). The foreplay has been quite enjoyable! I just don't want to feel judged.
Sorry to keep going on and on, but here is really the only place I can talk about it. My Gram knows and my cousin, too. They're both really supportive, but I haven't told my Mom, or my sister, because I don't want the whole world knowing -- I also don't want to be treated any differently than before. My Gram's biggest concern was giving it to the kids, but I assured her that I didn't plan on rubbing my crotch on their heads so not to worry. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif
Again, thanks for letting me vent a little.

what were your symptoms like after your first contact? also how long after that did your first OB occur?did the original symptoms ever go away before the OB came?

Originally posted by 20/20Hindsight:
I'm worried about passing it to my children. This a.m., I went to wipe the "eye boogies" out of my 1 1/2 yr. olds eyes, and hesitated because I couldn't remember if I'd scratched my bikini line (from shaving)after getting out of bed.

20/20, there are two things to remember about this. First, the virus dies very quickly after the air hits it. It can survive a little longer if in a warm, wet environment but when the air dries that, it will be a gonner. Second, just get into the habit of washing your hands well after you get up in the morning (or touching around your genital area) and you won't need to worry about it.

The OB was kinda like I had wild sex with a penis made out of poison ivy. It burned so bad when I went pee that it made me cry. (and having two children, two tattoos, and a belly button piercing didn't) http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

LOL Ouch! Well think about it... It's an acidic liquid going over an open wound in an area of the body that has more nerve cells per capita than anywhere else. Ouch indeed!!

It seems from listening to you guys that I only have to be "extra careful" during an OB, or when I think one is coming (tingling, etc.). Am I correct? Or do I need to freak out everytime I touch my groin area??

For the most part that's true, but unfortunately it's not completely black-and-white. When you have an OB (+/- 2-3 days) you are definitely contagious, and you should definitely take the standard extra precautions (wash your hands after touching near the area, avoid skin-to-skin contact with the area).

I don't want to scare you but you should be aware that it is also possible to shed the virus when you don't have symptoms. That doesn't mean you need to be majorly concerned or paranoid about it, as this is usually only a small percentage of the time between OBs, but it does mean that you should probably be taking *some* precautions in between OBs.

For instance, I will be mindful (not paranoid) about not rubbing my eyes or scratching myself anywhere right after touching my genital area until I've washed my hands. It's just a habit you get into. I guess what I'm trying to say is to just get into some new habits, but there's no need to stress yourself out over it.

What really sucks, is that I met this great guy --no, really, I mean it this time http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif He truly is a great guy - not a pretend one - and I'm very afraid that after I tell him that he's gonna run (which I truly would not blame him for doing...) We've made out a few times in the last couple of weeks, but I told him that we needed to wait like 6 mos. to do anything more. He's been fine with that (so far). The foreplay has been quite enjoyable! I just don't want to feel judged.

I'm glad you've found someone you like and feel comfortable with! If he's willing to wait 6 months before anything major happens intimately, he doesn't sound like someone who's likely to run away because of a health problem. I'm sure you know this already, but you should also limit any skin-to-skin contact with your genitals, even just "making out," until you've talked with him.

Different people choose different timing for having "the talk," striking some kind of balance between not wanting to risk rejection after having already invested time and feelings in developing a relationship, and wanting to minimise that disappointment by talking about it early in the relationship before you've had a chance to really get to know each other. It's different for everyone; you should think about what your needs are in that regard. There's more discussion about this in the archives here.

Do some research on precautions and how to minimise the risk to him, and have that info ready to talk to him about. One way to reduce the risk is to reduce your viral shedding and OBs. It's not 100% (statistically speaking) but you could go on antiviral drugs on a daily, preventive basis, or you could check into alternative remedies that can reduce OBs in some people (although there are not studies to prove it reduces shedding). Check out herpes.org (in this board's Resource Links) for a great article on alternative treatments.

My Gram's biggest concern was giving it to the kids, but I assured her that I didn't plan on rubbing my crotch on their heads so not to worry. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

LOL Right. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

1in4

Well, I told "the great guy" last night after much hesitation. I kinda hinted around about it for a few days prior, and yesterday I was kinda depressed, and I think he sensed that I wanted to tell him something. I made a few jokes about "when you find out about my past, you'll run." He said "I don't think so, How bad could it be?" I said "BAD!"
I finally told him, and you know what he said? "Well, we'll just have to make informed decisions, but if we like each other enough, we can get through this!"
Can you believe that?!?!! My prediction is that I'm going to marry this one someday (but not anytime soon -- maybe 10 yrs. down the road http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/dizzy.gif )
I feel so much better after telling him. And later in the conversation, we were joking about sex and everything was like it was before. I am so RELIEVED. He ended up telling me a story about how he got crabs from some girl he knew about five years ago.....then he said "now do you want to run." I cracked up. I said "you think THAT would make me not talk to you anymore?!" Gosh, at least it was curable.
It certainly does not feel like the end of the world anymore. And, we discussed him going to get a blood test to see if he has already been exposed to HSV-1, which from what I've read, would make it even less likely for him to catch it. He said that he has had cold sores on his mouth before -- when he was younger, like me. So, things are looking up.
I read a really great article about HSV-1 versus HSV-2, and how they are different and how they react in their "non-prefered" locations, and chances are, I might not ever again have an OB. Yes, I know that still means I could be shedding the virus at other times, but even that is greatly decreased with HSV-1 genitally -- if I did shed, it could be as little as 1% of the time. And, this survey taken of like 110 women with HSV-1 genitally, said that the recurrence rate per year was ZERO! I can't remember what site I was on to find this article, but if I can find it again, I'll post it here.
Again, thank you so much for letting me freak out for a while and for easing my mind, too. I really needed someplace to talk about this.
"Great Guy" is coming over tomorrow night to watch a movie. At least now if things start to heat up, I don't have to feel bad about myself, because he already knows. But still, I'm gonna make him wait a while longer... http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/wink.gif .... http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

Hey GREAT news, 20/20!! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/dance.gif

I'm so glad you have such a great guy. He sounds like a keeper to me. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/biggrin.gif I know what you mean that it's SUCH a huge relief when you're bracing yourself for rejection and they turn around and accept you (as well they should). I've found it almost euphoric sometimes, when I've been really worried. So congrats!! Keep us posted how you're doing with this keeper. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/wink.gif

1in4

That's great news!! I'm so glad that you weren't rejected!
I think the reason he brought up the crabs thing was to point out that HSV is just a health condition and that having it doesn't make you a bad person.
Which is true!
So far I haven't had any recurrent OBs. I hope I never do as well. Not *too* concerned about transmission since J doesn't care whether he gets it or not. I don't want to give it to him, but he's not worried about it AT ALL and it's his decision. I wouldn't enjoy the sex if I was constantly worrying about passing it on! Considering the fact that we plan on getting married in the next few years, that's a good thing, since being with someone for the rest of your life (hopefully) sure increases the chances that they will get it.
I know what you mean about being paranoid- Ever since I can remember, the skin around my vagina has always been very sensitive, and is prone to irritation or all sorts, especially after sex. Even oral sex. (J has facial hair) Everytime I feel a tingle or little itch, I stop and wonder- "is this the sign of an oncoming OB?!" But it is very slight and goes away. *shrug* The fact that I don't know what sensory symptoms feel like doesn't help I suppose.

[This message has been edited by TickledPeenk (edited 04-04-2003).]

Ok, guys.....great guy came over last night - never did watch a movie (although we did watch TV for a bit)..so much for making him wait. Aside from the condom thing, I didn't really give the HSV much thought. >big sigh of relief!< I was so afraid that I would be preoccupied with it that I would kind of "freeze," you know? I did, however, stop him, right before we actually did "the deed," and asked him "Are you sure about this? Are you absolutely positive?" Needless to say, I didn't get much of a verbal response from him. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

You guys have been wonderful. Thank you so much for helping me to not feel so alone about this.

I am still worried about passing it on though, and its so hard for sex not to get "messy" if you know what I mean. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/wink.gif But, he is an adult, and capable of making his own decisions, I guess. I told him about it, and have explained the risks (as best as I know them, anyway -- which is basically "no matter what precautions we take, you can still get it") and he wanted to anyway -- he even attempted to "go south," but I'm certainly not comfortable enough with the whole thing for that to take place - especially without any kind of "wrap." http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/round.gif Maybe next time!

Look! I see light at the end of the tunnel!! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/wave.gif

20/20 http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/dance.gif

http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/dance.gif

Woohoo! Somehow I'm not surprised that it was a short wait, 20/20. I'm jealous as all get out. LOL Is he going to do the blood test? It would be good to have a baseline for him. That could be the final point of not worrying about it too, at least for "going south." http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

1in4

So happy for you 20/20 when i was between marriages I had something happen twice that i had never thought could happen.
after protective sex , i find out that all that is left of the Trojan condom is the ring around my penis with a little flat left on.

scared the hell out of me as we went to the drug store and bought the foam spermicide to hopefully prevent pregnancy.
I switched brands and this happened again a few weeks later.
i do not know if i was to rough or what. we did not use any petroleum at all or anything that could have had this effect on the condom.
just something to think about!

That's bizarre, Semper Fi. Maybe it had expired its shelf life? Or, if you and your partner used lube, maybe it was oil based? Scary to think they're that fragile.

TheOneInFour

Semper Fi:

How old were they? Did it happen to all from the same package? If they were exposed to less than satisfactory conditions (heat, light, cold, etc.), that could have broken down the integrity of the latex causing them to fail.......YIKES!!

Suggest checking expiration dates, and do NOT keep them in car (too many temperature changes), or in your wallet (most common place for them...) because the heat from your own body will cause them to deteriorate. Better luck next time!!

20/20 http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/dance.gif

1-in-4:

WooHoo is right! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

Anyway, he has drill this weekend (national guard), so no "fun" tonight http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

We haven't actually discussed that he is definitely getting the blood test, but he did ask where he would go to get one. I figured he would go to his regular dr and they would probably send him to get blood drawn at a lab, right?? That's what I told him anyway.

I am much less paranoid now after analyzing the whole likelihood of spreading it to "one big herpe" all over my body thing. If that was the case, I think it would happen to most of the people who show symptoms.

I was afraid though of itching my bikini line yesterday a.m. ( http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/biggrin.gif I shaved/trimmed for great guy...just in case, you know? http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/biggrin.gif ) The next day is always hell after shaving and then wearing jeans. I get little red shave bumps that itch like hell when the hair starts coming back.....I scratched the heck out of it, and then swabbed down with alcohol to be safe. I'd like to point out that it felt less than special!! Alcohol v. raw skin -- what a combo!

Much better today, thank God. I'd had to go out tonight with an itchy crotch - though it could make my dance moves a little more interesting and unique!! LOL

Have a good weekend, everyone.

20/20 http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/dance.gif