I caught herpes last year after a night of rough sex with my girlfriend. I was very anoyed as she had told me that she did not have anything and she had got the ok from the doc, so I didnt have to use a condom. I am such an IDIOT. We broke up in dramatic style soon after. A few months ago I met a girl and we started going out, but I couldnt bring myself to sleep with her, for fear of doing to her what was done to me. I cant see myself rebuilding my sex life, and it seems like I have started drinking too much now. I dont know how to deal with this. Especially when I go out with my friends and they find a group of girls, and I have to make lame excuses of why I cant go home with my designated girl. I am not sure wether Im asking a question, Im just confused and very angry, maybe some advice from like minded people will help. Thanks for your time...

Adam

As a side point, my doctor practically promised me that if I used Aldara (Imiquimod 5%) cream regularly for a few months, that it would cure my herpes. The thing is each dose is a month long treatment and I have been getting OB's evry 2-3 weeks (you cant use it while your having an episode...). Does anyone know if there is any truth to this? Thanks again...

You are definitely not alone here. I, too, regret the whole "didn't use a condom because I thought I wouldn't catch anything." Was diagnosed in Nov. '02 with HSV-1 genitally. Only 1 OB so far (and that was more than enough, thanks http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/frown.gif ) When I told the guy I got it from, he denied even knowing what "herpes" was and said "I never had any problems down there" so it couldn't have been from me......of course, the doctors beg to differ with him because I had a baby not too long ago, and they said my HSV status would have been detected then, or something like that.....

Point is, it doesn't really matter WHO it came from, because I'm stuck with it now forever. And like you, my biggest concern with it is how my sex life is ruined forever because I'm afraid of giving it to someone else.

On the bright side, at least it will cut down (if not completely eliminate) you having casual sex with someone who doesn't really mean anything to you (reference the whole "designated girl" thing you mention in your post).....and hey, it doesn't mean that you can't have fun and hang out -- maybe you'll meet the right girl because you don't just want to f**k her for the night, right??

I just started a new relationship with a great new guy and I was petrified about telling him because I was convinced that he would RUN LIKE THE WIND the second he knew I was "diseased." Completely the opposite happened, to my delight. He has been wonderful and supportive, and now I'm glad that I had chosen NOT to have sex and/or tell of my HSV status UNLESS and UNTIL I was sure that the "partner" was long-lasting relationship material. Who needs to waste time on nothings. Sex is, after all, just sex -- and for that matter, you can do that all by yourself without a condom!! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

Hang in there, and visit here often. Alot of people have some GREAT advice on how to cope with this awful health condition. I know they have helped me tremendously over the last couple of weeks. May I also suggest that you read and research as much as you can about the herpes virus. The more you know, the better off you'll be.

Good luck.

20/20 http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/dance.gif

Thanks for the advise. It may have sounded like I was quite bitter in the post, but I have been feeling especially sorry for myself today as I think the 'H' might be spreading for no apparent reason (both front and back, not to be too graphic...). I would like to find out more on the subject, but all the different sources seem to come up with different answers. Does drinking increase the frequency of OB's, because I seem to be sinking into a bit of a rut here. Thanks again for the pep-talk

I don't think drinking increases frequency of outbreaks, but I know for certain, stress does! So does exposure to sun.

It sounds to me like you're punishing yourself for a little lapse of good judgement? Stop that, stop it right now. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif Treat yourself gently and remember that this is a time of healing, physically and emotionally. There is no fault in this thing that happened, not yours, not hers.

There are several threads about treatments, check them out. Learn about the virus, educate yourself, and above all be gentle with yourself. You deserve to be treated with tenderness right now.

Hi Adamuk,

So sorry to hear about your predicament. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/frown.gif I have heard others express similar feelings as you do about having herpes and being reluctant to become intimate with anyone again for fear of giving it to the person. You're definitely not alone in how you feel.

In my experience and observation, it can sometimes take quite a while to adjust to the idea of having herpes and learn how to put it into a realistic and practical perspective. Part of the problem is that we each come to having herpes with our own set of personal baggage, which can sometimes include a less than excellent sense of self-esteem.

Herpes has a way of taking our weak links and amplifying them until we can become quite overwhelmed by things that before only made us kind of nervous. And some of us get stuck in the anger we feel toward the person who gave it to us and find it impossible to let that go and get on with life. I suspect that kind of anger is probably more complex and more deeply personal than it seems.

When you're struggling like you are, it can help immensely to get some counselling for a while to help you learn better ways to cope. It doesn't mean something is wrong with you. Think of it as physiotherapy for your self-esteem. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif I really think this can help you strengthen parts of yourself that are overburdened right now and keeping you from moving on.

I don't think you're an idiot. You were told certain information from someone you trusted who got it from a medical expert who she trusted. Very likely, she didn't know she had it. That puts her in an estimated 90% of people who have genital herpes and don't know it because they don't get obvious symptoms.

Don't beat yourself up because you couldn't anticipate what wasn't obvious. You don't deserve that; probably neither does she. You can't control everything in life, and as bad as it feels right now, having herpes isn't the worst thing that can happen to you. I say that not to depress you or scare you, but to say that there IS a more accepting and benign perspective to be found about having herpes.

It will take time and it will take some effort to heal emotionally and psychologically from this, but it can be done. It can be a long term process to work through; it doesn't often happen quickly. Get some support for yourself, starting with some counselling. Talk to your doctor (or your counsellor) about whether there might be a herpes support group in your area, where you can talk to others who are feeling the same way.

Lastly, there is one dating site online that I know of that is excellent, which is exclusively for people with herpes. Often people prefer to date only people who already have it so that transmitting it is no longer an issue. If you got yourself a steady girlfriend, it would certainly provide a good reason why you didn't want to hook up with the "designated girl." http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

Oh--the drinking. Excessive drinking is often a way to deal with depression, anxiety and unresolved, painful feelings (like anger), which sounds like what you're going through. All the more reason to get some counselling. If you can't keep the drinking in check, talk to your doc about going on antidepressants for a while until you get on your feet with some counselling. Alcoholism is not a problem you want to add to your life on top of the herpes. Best to nip this in the bud as soon and as quickly as possible.

If you find you can't stop or slow it down significantly, do check out Alcoholics Anonymous. I believe they have a website where you can find out where meetings are in your area. You need support right now and that's an excellent plact to get it if you have developed a problem.

Keep in touch and let us know how you're doing! This can be a good place to b*tch and vent and get support too. There are some great people here. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

TheOneInFour

Originally posted by adamuk:
As a side point, my doctor practically promised me that if I used Aldara (Imiquimod 5%) cream regularly for a few months, that it would cure my herpes. The thing is each dose is a month long treatment and I have been getting OB's evry 2-3 weeks (you cant use it while your having an episode...). Does anyone know if there is any truth to this? Thanks again...

Hi again,

I wanted to comment about this too. Your doctor is full of...well, he's very misleading at best. There is no cure for herpes, although there are ways to reduce or sometimes even eliminate OBs (which is not the same as a cure).

I don't know if Imiquimod is often used to treat herpes. Usually it's other antiviral drugs: notably Acyclovir (generic) and its more turbocharged (and more expensive) cousins Valtrex and Famvir. If you're getting such frequent OBs you should talk to your doc about going on daily dosage of one of these antivirals to keep the virus from spreading.

It may take some time to get your system calmed down enough so that the OBs are minimised, but it's worth it. If you're worried about money, you might try tackling the drinking problem first so that you can use that money for the treatment drugs. One will help the other anyway.

Alcohol in itself doesn't necessarily increase your OBs but if you're drinking a lot it could be weakening your immune system which *can* make it a LOT harder for your system to fight off the virus. Hence more frequent OBs, which make you more miserable, which probably make you want to drink more. Vicious circle. Also stress can trigger the desire to drink a lot and can also trigger OBs. So it sounds to me like the drinking is definitely a factor in your OBs in one way or another.

Time to learn better ways to deal with your pain, I think. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif A counsellor can help you get a handle on the bigger picture and how to work on it. Keep us posted how you're doing!

TheOneInFour

I would like to add something to this discussion, but I'm afraid of being judged, so keep that in mind, would you?

I am finding that the fear or inclination is not so much to never be intimate again... it's the temptation to just not tell, and continue doing what I want. The risk, aside from the obvious, is that if I run into anyone who might become a serious relationship, they'd be pretty hurt to find out I'd kept it from them later.

Please don't yell at me! I'm still figuring all this out. I'd like to know if anyone else (who's willing to admit it) has this temptation, and how they deal with it.

Hi ScaredGirl,

I know exactly what you mean about feeling tempted to just not tell. I have felt the same temptation, most often when I was feeling lonely and discouraged and afraid that no one would ever want me again. I guess the biggest thing that stopped me from acting on those feelings was thinking how I would feel if the person got it as a result. I've read so many posts and heard so many people's stories who got it from someone who knew they had it and didn't tell. I've seen how devastating the hurt, betrayal and anger can be for someone who experiences that. If I care about the person I'm with, I don't think I could ever put them through that knowingly, no matter how lonely or desperate I felt.

Even if it was a one night stand and I never had to see them again or know of the consequences, I'd still know that I might have put them through that. I might never see the results first hand but *I'd know* what the results could very well have been, and I would feel so guilty and awful about that. The pleasure I'd get from the encounter would pale in comparison to the hurt I caused. Every time I felt angry, frustrated, "damaged goods" or unlovable because of herpes, I would know there could be someone out there feeling the same way because of me -- a lifetime of their hell for a few hours of my pleasure.

I think it's very human to have those feelings of temptation. We all have needs. We all need connection and intimacy, affection and touch, and most of us need more than we can get from platonic friends. It's frustrating, it hurts and it can be achingly discouraging when we have to live with the lonely consequences of doing the right thing. It can challenge us to the core.

Believe me I KNOW! It's been a VERY rough 4+ years for me since I first learned that I could pass it on between OBs. Before that I thought I just had to avoid sex during an OB, so it didn't seem like a big deal. I'd had it for about 12 years by then (diagnosed for about 4 of those years), but when I learned the truth I went through the same reaction as people who are first diagnosed. I was devastated.

I wanted to go out and jump into bed with the first person I saw, just to prove to myself that I was still desirable and didn't have to be alone because of this. When I found myself being turned down, when I did the right thing by telling, again I was devastated and terrified that I'd be alone for the rest of my life. I am a large size lady too, which is an obstacle at the best of times, so I figured no one would ever want me again, period.

It's taken me a few years to strengthen my self-esteem enough to not give myself heart failure at the very thought of having "the talk" but I can do it now and stay centred in myself, knowing that if I get turned down I *will* survive it and find someone else who can accept me for who I am. "The talk" is still scary for me but not so overwhelming that I can't find the courage to do it and then wait out the outcome. (Thank the gods for Bach Flower Remedies! LOL)

I've learned how and when to tell the person so that it works for me. My preference is to tell fairly soon (as soon as it seems evident that we both feel interested enough to pursue anything past the "pleased to meet you" stage) because I can't take the possibility of investing myself only to be possibly turned down later after I've developed feelings. That's my own limitation and that's how I deal with it. There are pros and cons to it, but it works best for me.

Incredibly, I've found that there *are* people who are able to see beyond the diagnosis and be okay with it. Four years ago I *never* thought I'd find anyone like that, but I have found more than one in recent months. This gives me hope and it makes me feel very good that I didn't give in to temptation and was able to keep my integrity intact. I'm not carrying guilt about having relapsed in my resolve to do the right thing, which I'm so glad about.

And I feel I'm stronger now, so that even when I feel down and lonely, I don't feel as vulnerable to that temptation now. And I believe that strength gets communicated in "the talk," which helps to give the other person more confidence about it and about me.

Anyway, there's my story about it. Hope it helps you hang on to your own resolve. Each of us has to find our own way to do that, I think. Talking about that it can help. This board has helped me a lot, both in reading others' posts and hearing their stories, as well as trying to reach out and help others. Richard Bach once wrote, "You teach best what you need most to learn." I'd agree with that. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

TheOneInFour

Thanks for the advise guys. As for going to see a shrink, I dont think Im that far gone, I just get frustrated some times. As for sleeping with someone but not telling, sure Ive thougt about it, but it is not something I would do. I'll be in touch...

PS: I can see that this thread is getting quite a few hits, but it would be far more constructive if you write a note of a bit of advise, every little helps! Thanks again...

Hey Adam,

I just got test results back yesterday saying that I indeed have genital herpes. I suspected I did during the week I waited to hear back, so the shock wasn't too devistating.

Anyway, my concerns for no sex and dating are similar to yours and a lot of other people on this board. I am concerned that once I meet a person, things will fall apart as soon as we are about to get intimate and I am forced to drop "the bomb". However, this does not mean that I need to quit having sex or dating, just that I need to pursue women who truly like me for me, even if I do have a disease, or women who already have herpes.

Prior to herpes, I always had my eyes open for my solemate, sex buddy, or one night stand. I suppose you could say I am (was?) a sex addict. In an odd way, maybe herpes is a good thing for me. It will put an end to meaningless sex (who knowingly wants to risk herpes for a meaningless one nighter?!) and force me to instead forcus on quality relationships with someone who will take the time to understand and accept my situation.

As far as dating with herpes, it is my understanding that two people with genital herpes cannot make each other worse... is this right? If so, for those of us still single, and given that 2% of society is aware they have genital herpes (correct me if I'm wrong... 20% of society is infected, of which 90% don't realize), there is a decent size selection of herpes victims for us to date.

I was searching google.com under "dating with herpes" and there are a lot of personals sites catering to people like ourselves. I just signed up for www.hdate.com (http://www.hdate.com) although there are several sites besides this one (it just happens to be the first site I found). It has a lot of nice features but could use some more members. Anyone on here belong to a herpes dating site? I'd like to hear which ones are most recommended.

Adam, good luck with your situation, and everyone wish me luck that my OBs don't happen too often. I am just getting over my first one which wasn't so bad.

Regards,
Optimistic_Victim

FYI

MY HUSBAND WAS DIAGNOSED 17 YEARS AGO...WE HAD BEEN MARRIED FOR 2 YEARS AND I WAS EXPECTING OUR FIRST CHILD. DOCTOR SAID THIS VIRUS CAN LAY DORMANT FOR YEARS AND THEN COME OUT OF HIDING, WHICH IT DID. AND THEN MONTHS LATER I WAS DIAGNOSED. (CHILD BIRTH WAS C-SECTION BECAUSE OF THE CHANCE OF BABY BEING INFECTED AS HE CAME TROUGH BIRTH CANAL) CHILDBIRTH CAN BRING ON AN OUTBREAK. ANYWAY, WE HAVE HAD NO PROBLEM WITH SEX SINCE THEN. I HAVE MORE OB THAT HE, AND MINE ARE WORSE. WOMEN'S USUALLY ARE. AND THEY TAKE LONGER TO HEAL BECAUSE OF THE MOISTURE IN THIS AREA. BUT PEOPLE PLEASE, DON'T HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX!! IT WILL EVENTUALLY CATCH UP WITH YOU!! MY HUSBAND WENT FOR YEARS AND NEVER HAD AN OUTBREAK. SO, YOU NEVER KNOW.....AND IT'S NOT THAT BIG OF PROBLEM AS LONG AS YOU DON'T HAVE SEX DURING AN OB, WHICH WOMEN CAN'T....IT HURTS TOO BAD!! USE CONDOMS!!!!!! ALWAYS!!!!!