dkw711
05-19-2008, 06:16 PM
So now that I'm single again, I am finding it daunting to begin dating again. It has been 9 months since my diagnosis and I have adapted physically to it I believe. Only one recurrent outbreak in 9 months (HSV Type 1) and I think my body is handling it well. I know it could be worse in this way. But when is the best time to tell someone and how have others handled this area of dating. It is just so frustrating. And if anyone has experiences they would like to share, I would love to hear this, good or bad. I know I have read some positive stories on here about couples dating for years and it's no big deal. But hitting the dating scene again is scary and can anybody relate or share in this area? Thanks!
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rosequartz
05-19-2008, 06:28 PM
they have on-line dating sites for people with herpes. I'd try one of them if I were you
dkw711
05-21-2008, 12:44 AM
Rosequartz,
I appreciate the suggestion, but also do not want to limit my possibilities either. I know there are people who have had success dating in general and would love to know advice on how to handle this.
I appreciate the suggestion, but also do not want to limit my possibilities either. I know there are people who have had success dating in general and would love to know advice on how to handle this.
jblnde
05-21-2008, 07:51 PM
You know, I've been wondering the same thing. Do you just date people just as before diagnosis and then tell them after getting to know them (before sleeping with/fooling around with, of course!)? Do you only date others with herpes?
I know if I didn't have it and found out someone I was seeing had it, I probably wouldn't risk fooling around with them.
I know if I didn't have it and found out someone I was seeing had it, I probably wouldn't risk fooling around with them.
rosequartz
05-22-2008, 01:23 AM
Rosequartz,
I appreciate the suggestion, but also do not want to limit my possibilities either. I know there are people who have had success dating in general and would love to know advice on how to handle this.
I don't get this....how are you limiting your possibilities? I'm guessing the members of those sites are as diverse as the ones on any other sites, or even in real life. All kinds of people get herpes. I just thought it would be one less source of stress.....wondering how and when to break the news to them.....and less chance of rejection. It sounds like a win/win scenario to me.
I appreciate the suggestion, but also do not want to limit my possibilities either. I know there are people who have had success dating in general and would love to know advice on how to handle this.
I don't get this....how are you limiting your possibilities? I'm guessing the members of those sites are as diverse as the ones on any other sites, or even in real life. All kinds of people get herpes. I just thought it would be one less source of stress.....wondering how and when to break the news to them.....and less chance of rejection. It sounds like a win/win scenario to me.
dkw711
05-23-2008, 12:45 AM
Here are my various thoughts on the matter of dating. Given that somewhere between 70 to 90% of the population already have antibodies to HSV1, I consider that many already have the same virus I do. I think it would be important regardless of if you are dating someone you met from a dating website for herpes or on the street to discuss and get tested for all STDs. Plus, you'd want to rule out other STDs you should protect against. I have HSV1, not HSV2, and that is also another reason to be cautious. Just because someone has herpes doesn't mean they have the same type and just because I meet someone on a herpes website, and yes in some ways that would be easier in opening the discussion, doesn't mean it is any easier in every aspect. I think it's great for others who meet through websites if they choose. However, if I happen to meet someone in person, I would like to think that possibilities are there. Personally, I've done the online dating thing and don't especially love it. Maybe anyone can speak to if they have dated online within the herpes community and what their experiences were with that.
However, I have to say I am somewhat discouraged because I went on three dates with a guy and told him on the second date. This may have been too soon but he was very physically aggressive and I felt pushed to say something. He seemd cool during the disclosure saying it wasn't my fault and empathizing, but then he became very aloof and did not call after the third date. I think he may have gone on the third date only to not seem like a jerk because we had already planned he would join me in going to an event which I had bought tickets for. He certainly had an about face. He also was the first person I dated since I got it. I think there is a balance to be had. I don't want someone to think that's the only thing they should know about me so I'd rather take at least 3 dates for them to get to know the real person. I have herpes; I'm not herpes. At the same time, I think it is also best not to wait too long as to not be deceiving them. I just hope some people will see things differently. There are plenty of couples where one has it and one does not.
However, I have to say I am somewhat discouraged because I went on three dates with a guy and told him on the second date. This may have been too soon but he was very physically aggressive and I felt pushed to say something. He seemd cool during the disclosure saying it wasn't my fault and empathizing, but then he became very aloof and did not call after the third date. I think he may have gone on the third date only to not seem like a jerk because we had already planned he would join me in going to an event which I had bought tickets for. He certainly had an about face. He also was the first person I dated since I got it. I think there is a balance to be had. I don't want someone to think that's the only thing they should know about me so I'd rather take at least 3 dates for them to get to know the real person. I have herpes; I'm not herpes. At the same time, I think it is also best not to wait too long as to not be deceiving them. I just hope some people will see things differently. There are plenty of couples where one has it and one does not.
dkw711
06-16-2008, 09:59 PM
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buffs94
06-17-2008, 01:08 PM
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That sucks! At the same time, I probably would do the same thing as that guy without the physical aggressiveness. It must be really hard for you but think about this for a moment, if you didn't have it and you met someone who did, what would you do? It certainly seems that women are much more likely to reject someone with herpes than a guy is to a woman. Keep your hopes up because I promise you will find someone real soon. Continue to be selective.
That sucks! At the same time, I probably would do the same thing as that guy without the physical aggressiveness. It must be really hard for you but think about this for a moment, if you didn't have it and you met someone who did, what would you do? It certainly seems that women are much more likely to reject someone with herpes than a guy is to a woman. Keep your hopes up because I promise you will find someone real soon. Continue to be selective.
coffeeandtv
06-21-2008, 04:47 PM
Your dating life is the same!!! ;)
You date people as you normally would... and if and when you feel truly comfortable with them... and feel like it's truly going somewhere... tell them. By this point I'm sure that they have grown close to you and will be more accepting of your situation.
I have told two partners. The first one I told after about a month of dating. He moved very slow sexually so it was easy to hold off. I told him that I needed to talk to him. We were laying on my bed and finally I just said "Last year I found out that I had herpes." He responded with "Nothing is going to stop me from falling in love with you."
The second person I told maybe about two weeks into our dating relationship. We were seeing each other every day after we met - he stayed the night every night and finally he kind of forced me to tell him. He kept trying to go down on me and after me steering him away from the area time and time again he finally just came out and said "What is it? Is it me? What's the matter?" He didn't let up until I finally told him. He threw a pillow at me and said "That's it? Why didn't you just say that? You're beautiful... this doesn't change anything."
Both relationships unfortunately only lasted a few months... but their failure had nothing to do with herpes.
The dating scene is very scary... but the more you let the person get to know YOU the more accepting they will be. There may be some rejections along the way... but you just know that they aren't the right person for you.
Good luck!!!
You date people as you normally would... and if and when you feel truly comfortable with them... and feel like it's truly going somewhere... tell them. By this point I'm sure that they have grown close to you and will be more accepting of your situation.
I have told two partners. The first one I told after about a month of dating. He moved very slow sexually so it was easy to hold off. I told him that I needed to talk to him. We were laying on my bed and finally I just said "Last year I found out that I had herpes." He responded with "Nothing is going to stop me from falling in love with you."
The second person I told maybe about two weeks into our dating relationship. We were seeing each other every day after we met - he stayed the night every night and finally he kind of forced me to tell him. He kept trying to go down on me and after me steering him away from the area time and time again he finally just came out and said "What is it? Is it me? What's the matter?" He didn't let up until I finally told him. He threw a pillow at me and said "That's it? Why didn't you just say that? You're beautiful... this doesn't change anything."
Both relationships unfortunately only lasted a few months... but their failure had nothing to do with herpes.
The dating scene is very scary... but the more you let the person get to know YOU the more accepting they will be. There may be some rejections along the way... but you just know that they aren't the right person for you.
Good luck!!!