Good morning all!

Daddy is kinda holding his own, with the expected slow slide downhill. He has his "good" days, and his "bad" days with yesterday being a bad day. He does not remember his children's names, including mine some of the time. He was nearly non-verbal yesterday, and spent most of the day sleeping. He still eats when I put food in front of him, but does not recognize "hungry" or "full", so he just eats it all, and waits for the next time.

Here's where I need an opinion. I can't sleep well because I am so worried about this. I am all dad has. I am striking out big time with the in home care people - between them being icky and dad being beligerent, so far, no go. And that is a huge problem because our daughter just "gifted" us with a non-refundable 4 day vacation to Las Vegas. For me, DH, 12 yr old son and herself. Said she thinks I need to get away from the constant caretaking (2 years now!), and 4 days will be good for all of us. No question. It will. Four days by the pool will be utopia.

One of our neighbors is a 30 yr old mom of 3, and dad likes her. She is willing to take care of him for the 4 days for a few bucks, I will spend a couple of days teaching her what I do and when I do it, and it sounds like a plan to me. But...

Am I totally remiss in going on this little vacation? Am I being neglectful? She won't do things the way I do them, and may not know how to communicate with him the way I do. He will be very worried as to where I am.

Who do I hurt? My daughter (tell her to just eat the $1000 she has paid for this vacation) and family (you should see the 12 yr old - he is so excited for time with all of us), my DH (who just lights up at the thought of time with me) or my dad (who could die or something while I am gone)?

Y'all are so smart, and experienced. Help me?

...deb

Go you and your family do need a break. as long as your sure he will be well taken care of by your neighbor then do go..

Let's do a little reversal here. You are the one that needs constant care and your Dad has been by your side for as long as you can remember. You know your Dad is exhausted and he has the opportunity to go away for a few days. He has arranged care you for. What would you wish for him? Why treat yourself any different than you do others?

You have a neighbor that is willing to help. Obviously she sees your need and is willing to step up and do what she can. No, she will not do it just like you but she will do it. Yes, something might happen while you are gone but it might happen while you are there as well.

Is it selfish to take a few days for yourself and your own family? Is your family not worthy of four days of your undivided attention? Your husband has been patient with you and you need to spend time with him. Your daughter was kind enough to know you needed a break and make it possible. Follow the wisdom of that child. Your son needs a break from the stress created by you caring for your father. Most of all you deserve a few days of pampering so you can come back home and do an even better job of caring for your Dad because you are rested.

It is amazing how we wrap ourselves in "what if's" and guilt to the point we are cemented in one spot. I think you would be totally remiss and neglectful if you don't go on this little vacation. In the long run it is not going to hurt your dad by you being gone for four days. Things will be a little different for him the days you are gone but that is not hurting him. You are not leaving him alone to fend for himself. If you don't go it will hurt your daughter, your son, your hubby, and yourself. You can't foresee the future. If something should happen while you are gone then it happens and you deal with it when you return. You can't spend your life frozen in time and place waiting for the next disaster to drop on your head. That is not living. So go live a little!!

Love, deb

As usual Deb hits the nail on the head. GO!

deb,

What you need to remember is that your dad has also lost track of time. You yourself said that he just sits and waits for the next meal time. For all he knows, you may only be gone for a breakfast and lunch! His concept of time is not what you have so why not go?

Remember how I told you you are the center of the merry go round? Are you going to let the center let go by being so eghausted that you can't hang opn any more? Are you going to let the light in your son's eyes dim because you feel so irreplacable that you can't let anyone help you? Are you going to deny your hubby the joy of holding your hand and snuggling (or maybe something more) with you? DEB_WAKE UP!!! You need to let someone help you. Your neighbor needs the few bucks cash..and your dad will be OK with her. and you need to get away.

the world will be refreshed and new. Your dad will make it, your daughter will be blessed, your son will be overjoyed, your hubby will be married again and your family will be a family again.,....what a treat! Now, say yes to your family, tell your dad you love him, leave every phone number that you can think of on every wall that your neighbor can see and get out of there. GOODBYE!!!:wave:

deb,
Sounds like to me you feel guilty leaving your Dad. But stop and think for a minute. First of all you have been his caregiver for 2 years without a break. Caregiver burnout will effect you as well as your support group. Once you get burned out it is hard to bounce back. If you are all your Dad has then it is much more important to get a break every now and then. It's time you had one. This can effect your health and you need time for you, so that it don't. So, go to Vegas and recharge your batteries. Your Dad WILL be OK for a few days! Then schedule another break in a few months. The breaks will help you in the long haul. Be sure to see some shows and walk down the strip. Go in several of the casinos and also go to the old part of town, where the Horseshoe is. When we go we have Las Vegas Limo pick us up at the airport. For about $75 you have a driver holding a sign with your name on it, waiting at baggage claim. Have him give you the ten cent tour of the city. Hope you win lots of money in vegas.

Good Luck,
Laner

Wow. Thanks, y'all. I guess I'll go on vacation.

You know what this job needs that I don't have? Confidence. I have never had much self confidence, and now, I am not only bereft of confidence, I am pretty sure I am schmaltzing up everything.

Example: This trip is EVERYTHING to my family. My concern? That "others" will think I am abandoning him to go live it up in Las Vegas. What if social services catches wind of this? What if he falls? What if....ad nauseum. Truth be told, the neighbor NEEDS a few bucks, dad likes her, she lives feet from him (about eight, to be exact), she will see to it that he eats and does not forget he let the dog out, he does not know (thank you ibake) the difference between Monday and Tuesday, and he will either be fine, or not. Either way, I need to reconnect with my husband (yes, there ARE other women out there and I don't want HIM to figure that out), my son (how many times will he be 12?), my daughter (thank you, honey, for the trip), and maybe myself (???).

Another example of my lack of confidence: Dad is forever talking about his bowels. From what y'all have said, that is common given his situation. But. When he says he is constipated ("bound up" are his words), do I take him at his word and give him some Miralax? Is it bad enough to require a laxative? Do I call the doctor (who I am sure hates me because I call for stuff like this)? Does he have something raging in there that needs to be addressed? If I give him a laxative, will it cause him to have other problems like low potassium? AND ALL HE SAID IS THAT HE'S BOUND UP. I tell ya', I think I am losing my mind sometimes. He seems so fragile that I am afraid that something as simple as an ExLax will kill him.

And while I seem to be on an obnoxious roll, I would like to give a shout out to my 50 yr old brother who lives 4 states away. You visit when I send you the money to do so and you stay 3 days. You accepted a very large monetary gift from dad when you were here 3 months ago, and when I called you and asked you to fly out and take care of dad so I could go on this little vacation with a clear mind, you said you would get right back to me within the hour. Since then, you have not returned any of my 6 phone calls, my 8 emails, or the myriad of messages I have left you. I know you're ok, because I see you online. But you are avoiding me like the plague. You don't call. You don't email. You don't give a damn, do you? Thanks, bro. Thanks a lot.

Ok. I'm done. I think I will go eat some chocolate ice cream now. With nuts. And thank you ALL for the support. I truly don't know what I would do without each and every one of you. You have rescued me from myself so often...

hugs...

deb

Have a wonderful trip and stop worrying abut your dad (easier said than done, I know).

As to your brother, he needs a wake up call. Don't ask him if he would please come - tell him the dates of your next trip and say you will assume he is going to be there.

Bowel obsession - I suggest you assume his digestion is working just fine but he forgets. As long as he is not bloated and doubled over with pain, they are moving just fine. Ignore the complaints, or use my old trick with Mom when I had no answer to her many questions, "Oh really?"

Go and have FUN!

Love,

Martha

Yes Deb, pack your bags and have a great time. Social services will not lock you up because you have someone else watching your dad for a few days. Your Dad will ask where you are and all the sitter has to say is that you will be back later. Later has no time frame and when all the laters are done you will be back home. Make sure to leave your Dad's medical cards and information just in case they are needed but know they will probably be just where you left them when you get home. Another question..... where are those others that might think you have abandoned your Dad? Are they coming to your rescue by watching your Dad so you can take some time off? Look in the eyes of your family when you tell them you are packing and all those worries will fade into the back ground.

As for your Dad being "bound up", he just forgets he has gone and also expects to to more than is possible for the amount of food he eats. Martha is right. Unless he is bloated or in true pain he is ok.

As for your brother... shame on him!!!! At least he can be man enough to explain his unwillingness to help his dad and you. Avoidance is the cowards way. I am glad you have found a way to go without him. Now he can wear the guilt for this trip!

Have a bowl of ice cream for me. I have dropped 50 pounds since Mom and Dad moved to AL.... I'm a stress eater!! I will go get one of my 15 calorie popsicles!

Enjoy yourself Deb......

Love, deb

Hi Deb.....
Of course I agree 100% with what everyone is saying!!!! You so very much deserve a break!!! I know you are worried about going and leaving your dad....but as everyone says, you have to think of your family as well as yourself, you count too!!! Your daughter is trying to tell you that you need this, listen to her. I urge my mom all the time to take a break from this situation with my grandmother, to take a holiday of her own, instead of revolving all her vacations around this illness. She doesnt listen and I worry sick for her not taking a break. I know she's worried about "her mother", but I am worried about "my mother".....and I need her to be well.....just like your family need you to be the same!!! The time will come and go, and you'll be back, and have had some real quality time with your family. Your dad will not even remember most likely that you went anywhere. If you dont go, you know you will feel badly for disappointing your family, and for not doing something I know that "you know" you deserve. That could start feelings of resent...and believe me, not a good place to go. So I say too....go go go!!!!! Have a wonderful time!!!!

Love, Carsam xo

Well, I am convinced, my new friends. I told daughter tonight that thanks to you all, I will be going on the vacation. It won't be without worry, but I will go.

You are right, you know. If something were to happen, it would happen with or without me. And daddy will wonder where I am, he will be lonely, but since he does not understand the concept of tomorrow, he will be fine till I get home, I guess.

One of the hardest parts of this whole process is the caregiver's feeling of "I must be there every second of every day." I am actually not with daddy every second - I live right next door, so he putters about on his own a little, but I am feet away and spend many hours a day with him. I just went over there just now, and he is sleeping peacefully (put himself to bed, he did!), and I locked up and crept out, knowing that for this moment, all is well. That is what I will miss while I am gone. Maybe it's a power thing. Maybe I just think that if I don't do it, it won't get done right.

But the family has a right to the matriarch of this family. You know the expression: If momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. And I do need a short break. And he will see me on Saturday, I'll be gone Sun, Mon and Tues, and he'll see me on Wednesday. I will call the sitter and she will let him talk to me, I am sure. It's not till the end of June anyway, so I guess I will let it just be till then.

Now - here's the next question - do y'all take short breaks? And if you do, do you feel bad about doing it? And if you don't, do you wish you did?

hugs...

deb

I have never had the benefit of living next door to my parents. When they were at home I was 4 hours away and now I am 3 hours away from them. The year we tried to keep Mom and Dad at home I was at their home more than I was at mine. I would make that 4 hour drive, stay 5 to 10 days, come home for a week, and drive back again. My other three sisters were working so when somebody needed to go I was appointed. We did have a caregiver with them 8 hours a day, 5 days a week and we "shared" weekends but I was there at least every other week for days because of doctor's appointments or crisis.

I will admit that when they move to assisted living, which is in the city that two of my sister's live, I had a very hard time with that separation. I had done so muchl for so long I didn't know how to let go. When you spend so long shouldering such a massive reponsibility it is difficult to just put it down and walk away. I didn't feel guilty because I knew they were better cared for in AL than they were at home. I knew I could not do all that needed to be done. I don't think it's a power or control issue either. I think you expend so much energy carring the load that when it is gone you feel empty and it takes time to replace what you lost with something else.

I think we all need to be aware of the burden that we do carry and find a way to balance our care giver resposibility with the rest of our life. It is too easy to get consumed. That is why I say go enjoy your few days. It's all about balance....

Love, deb

My best advice here is "don't beat yourself up over things you have no control over".

And even if social services get wind of it, you have back up and .. to top it all off , you ARE entitled to respite, whether the officials arranged it or the family.

Nuffin' wrong with that my dear !!!

Good to see that you will go on this holiday. And *whisper* I know your superwoman and can do it all better than everybody else, ('cause I am a superwoman too) so let's just amuse the mortals and let them have a go at it.

****grin****

Deb

I hope you and your family have a wonderful time in Las Vegas and try not to worry.

Sincerely Nadine:)

LOL....DEB!!!

You are going to worry yourself crazy before you even get gone. I am/was an only child so I had no one to share this with. We live in Dc, the nation's capital. My parents were in our lovely home state of MInnesota. When we finally got Mom diagnosed, afater several years of begging and pleaded, it was Christmas-what a wonderful present. Our family spiraled down hill. My hubby and I would go home-it was every six months, then every four month, every two months, then I was going home every 4 weeks and staying anywhere from 3/4 days to 1-2 weeks, still working full plus time, still recovering myself from two major back surgeries in two weeks, still having two therapies a week when home, still using a walker, well you get the picture. We moved them twice, then moved mom into the NH for therapy after a partial hip replacement. And she never left.

I lived with getting on the plane with a sigh of guilt and relief. I cried every day that I was home and every day for the first week that I left. I cried when my mother didn't recognize me, I cried when she didn't recogmize my dad. I cried when I couldn't help them and I cried when I fought tooth and nail for every service that I could get for them. I fought social workers and nurses and I fired a PA from my mothers case. I also told her if she came within 50 yards of my mother I would take out a restraining order against her. I have fought PTs who wanted to get my mother out of bed when she was sick and I have fought them when they didn't want to help. You do what you can when you can. Never think you can't. I know that the nurses who loved my mother were angels sent to earth and they are few and far between.

But yes, you worry, but you do what you can and you do the best you can and that's all you ask for. Once again I'll crawl down off of my soap box...at this rate that box is gonna break wide open....;)

Now MIss deb...you don't ever think that you lack anything. But here is a little word for you. Leave a message for your brother. Tell him that you are leaving on such and such a day...You have his number listed as emergency phone number for dad. Either that or you pack dad up and drop him off at your brothers and say that you will pick him up when you get back from your trip. Problem solved.....naughty, but takes care of daddy.,..

Thanks, ibake. Sometimes, what I really need is for someone to call me out, so to speak, on my I-can-do-everything mentality. I really can't, you know. I really can't.

I have been reading these threads forever, I think. And I have come to the conclusion that I have it relatively EASY, compared to the rest of you. Daddy is "failing", as they say. He doesn't know my name most of the time, or our relationship ever. He can't do squat for himself, other than to dress himself sometimes and spoon food into his mouth. He has an obsession with the trash, moving it around in the outdoor can, taking it back in the house, just generally fooling around with it, has TIAs fairly often, sometimes pees on the floor and is obsessed with his bowels. He's kinda like a three or four year old most of the time.

But. He's not angry (most of the time). He's fairly compliant. Other than his intense hatred for children (I keep him away from all kids these days), he is pretty easy. I get to come home for a few periods during the day when he is napping, and he's down for the night by 7:30 or so.

I would just love to know where we are headed. I really would. He can barely walk, can't complete a sentence no matter what, and if he fell, could not get back up again. He can barely get out of the recliner.

But compared to the rest of you, I think I will take a minute and just be grateful. Grateful that daddy can still smile. Grateful that he understands that his doggie is right there on the bed with him. Grateful that he understands "I Love You".

And grateful to the entire lot of you for sharing your lives with me. Keeps me well centered. I surely do love you all for that.

...deb:)

Oh - and Ibake - I can't drop dad off at the brother's...he lives 4 states away! And his message box is full now on his phone, so I can't leave a message any more.

But get this - I have decided to let my brother just live with himself. I am doing the right thing by our father. I tell my kids when I give a beggar a dollar that yes, they MIGHT go spend that on liquor, but that's not on me. I did what my heart told me to do. What THEY do with it is not my issue. And like that lesson, my brother's decisions to take daddy's money and then disappear is on him. I will continue to do the right thing. I will.

And your story about your folks is mind boggling. So is your's, DGabriel. And yours, Martha. I cannot imagine.

My heart goes out to each of you. For reals.

...deb

::: putting a nice new concrete and steel soap box in the middle of the room::: I love it when you get on the soap box Ibake. You not only help those you are answering but the rest of us as well. So step up with the knowledge that we need you up there :-)

Love, deb

Amen Amen Amen Amen.

Ibake - PLEASE get on the freshly concrete'd soap box and sing out! You help me sooooooo much. You really do.

So, to repeat...AMEN!

(blush) can we have carpet? I tend to stumble?
and Martha deserves to be up there WAY before me...I'm just mouthier...as my momma always told me. In fact that box needs to be big enough for all of us who care for our elders...and for those of us who care.

The fact that we take the time to share-when you know that every time you bring out some of these situations and memories it is like pulling a scab off of a wound. Sometimes it hurts sooo bad that I sit and cry when I type...but if what I have to offer can help just one person suffer just that little bit less, then it's worth it. My mother would expect no less of me.

So come on, there is plenty of room, we can all sing "Nobody know the sorrow I've seen...." and I do sing....

you gals are the best......

Found this....

AS the saying goes: "The kind of life you will have isn't determined by what happens to you, it's determined by your reaction to what happens to you." Have a Good Day. Be Kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.

Amen......

:) that's not a one person (carpeted) soap box and I expect Martha and so many others to continue to use it. Personally I need the expertise, experience, and kind words of everybody here to make it through to the end. I have also shed tears for others and myself. I have found reasons to rejoice and laugh as well. As I have said before.... this place is my sanity and I feel blessed to have each and every one of you in my life. Thank you all for taking the time to share with me and other.

Love, deb

PS.... I love that quote IBake and have used it often.... sometimes with others but mostly when I have conversations with myself!