My step dad died 6 months ago. He was my dear mom's caregiver and tried hard to deny that there was a problem. Mom (stage 5) has a paranoia of people stealing her things...me in particular. She didn't talk to me for a year and a half because of it and my step dad aided her in that, thinking he just wanted to keep her happy at anyone's expense. So, of course, after he died she became the responsibility of the rest of the family...me in particular and within a month's time..at the urging of her neurologist, we moved her from her home to a safe place for her to live...luckily she can afford a very nice independent living arrangement that has nursing staff plus staff that keeps an eye out on their residents...she has her own small apartment and is doing okay at the moment living on her own with me, my grown son and husband checking in daily by calling her and taking her out to dinners and shopping on weekends.

Understandably, she is not at all happy that she has lost use of her car and the loss of her husband and home..all within a few month's time. She can be mean and ugly and other times as sweet as can be.

Now, the problem...I talked about this on a different post but thought I should start a new one to see if any of you have any suggestions for how I should handle the newest problem. This past Monday she accused me of stealing papers from her apartment...why, in fact, she says she even saw me take them! Of course I didn't...but now she doesn't want to talk to me AGAIN. I can't let that happen ..not like the last time...so, I have called her everyday since Monday and kept the conversation very light and short and she is very cool with me...should I just let her be for a few days or should I try to keep the lines of communication open..not sure what to do. She'll speak to the rest of the family as though there is no problem but with me...cold. How have any of you handled these types of situations?
My brother lives in California and is as much help as he can possibly be while living on the opposite coast. Everyone is supportive but I am the main one to handle her and her situation.
By the way, we went up there and found all the things she thought were missing ..things she had hidden herself. But none of that mattered to her, oy.
So...
Thoughts? Suggestions? Good stiff drinks to try?

Thanks, Meg

Accusing people of stealing, taking or hiding things is so typical for Dementia that anyone who knows she has it will not believe a thing she says. My brother's MIL used to hide her social security checks under the carpet, then accuse the neighbors of stealing them -- then get her daughter to call SS and get duplicate checks sent, over and over, for years and years. When they finally moved her to a NH, dozens of invalidated checks were found under that rug...

People laugh, and think it is amusing. But not those who live with it.

Good luck! chin up! you can manage, you will survive.

Love,

Martha

Keep the lines of communication open. Stay positive and don't argue. Usually as the papers or whatever it is reappears she will tend to forget until the next episode. They forget, we don't. It is typical for them to hide or throw out things and forget where they are. They don't even remember having them so they are sure somebody else does it. You are the chosen one to blame. My mom blames my dad. I realized when working in LTC that they tend to blame the one they are closest too. You are always there so it must have been you. There is not much you can do about it except help find whatever it is, replace it, or find a creative way to get past the crisis of the moment. Ice cream is the diversion of choice with my parents. You might want to be sure that any important papers are duplicated and you keep the original and give her copies. Then if she loses something you can replace it and the originals are safe. I have actually changed Mom and Dad's address on anything that might ever be important to my address. That way I get all that I need and I send them copies, duplicates, or insignificate information. I gradually took over all the bill playing, financials, insurance, and other important functions. Mom swore she could do it at first but now she never mentions it. Try to not take her rantings personally. It is her frustrations with the disease that is aggitating her.

Love, deb

Thank you Deb and Martha for the kind and informative words.

I keep telling myself it is the disease talking but when it comes from her face it sure is difficult.

Believe me, I am trying. Real hard. I'm exhausted and broken hearted as all of you are but we will trudge through. Hah, what's our choice.

Yes, we have taken over all of her bills, etc. and all of the essentials are mailed to my son who has taken over the financial end of her care. I know that I am so fortunate to be working with a team of people...my son, my husband and from a distance, my brother and his wife. I can't imagine how difficult it is for those who have it all on their shoulders alone.

My husband talked to her last night on the phone..he put her on speaker and I said nothing..she sounds like a wonderfully normal person while talking to him...completely different from the woman I deal with.

I am going to continue to read all of the advice on these boards and take in as much as I can. I love the treating them as "toddler" idea...since I work directly with toddlers I can relate to that...let's hope I can keep my cool...for the most part I do..I have only lost my temper three times in 7 or 8 years since this began. You would think not too bad but I sure do remember evey one of those times.

Again, thanks for being there for me and every one else looking for answers. I hope I will be able to be of help to others in some way too.
Meg

I can relate how you feel Meg. I, being my mother's only daughter, has bared the brunt of her hostility at times. She'd swear at me; tell my brothers that she can't believe her daughter has put her "in this place" (the nursing home).

I really don't take it to heart, because it's not my mom talking, it's the disease. She's been better lately, but if something aggravates her, she's quick to snap...like even the mention of eating in the dining room at the facility. For some reason, she can turn on a dime into a nasty mode when that is even brought up. So she eats in her room and it seems to keep her disposition stable.

I've found that if I rub her back and speak softly to her, she seems to calm down when she's upset about something. I always assure her that she's always on my mind and that the main thing is that she is safe and given the care that I can't give her any longer.

Yesterday, we celebrated her 80th birthday at the facility. It went as well as expected, but as my brother and I walked her down the hall to the conference room for her small party (only 6 people) she got it in her head she was heading for the dining room and then the wall came up. Brother and I assured we were only going to a small room for her party and then she relaxed.

After we got her back to her room, she wouldn't sit down...kept saying, "I thought we were going home!" Told her that maybe later, but not right now. She still wouldn't sit and I'm holding onto her in fear she's going to fall...as she keeps falling down at least once every two weeks over there, so I said, "Mom, please sit down, I'm getting so tired here trying to hang onto you and I don't think I can anymore." She sat down immediately. All I can figure is that I acted like I was the one that needed help so she complied. I really was okay, but I was out of ideas as to how to get her to sit.

As far as losing things...mom has lost her upper partial yet again..she thinks someone took it on her, not me, but thinks the aides must have put it somewhere. When in all actuality, she probably wrapped it up in a napkin and tossed it, or left it in a pocket, or who knows. She doesn't realize that she's the one who misplaced it.

So, I guess what I'm really trying to say is that I know how much it hurts when you feel she's blaming you for things, but it's probably because she loves you the most. Try not to let it get to you; keep visiting; and I often change the subject if I see she's getting agitated about something.

Hang in there and know that if your mom was in her right mind, I'm sure she'd never dream of hurting you.

Best of luck. :)

Thanks ..

She just called me, of course, sounding cool towards me, but it seems they haven't given her her meds yet this morning. The system we have set up is that she goes to the nurses office morning and afternoon to get the pills, but sometimes...like today...she waited for over an hour for someone to show up...they still haven't. They are usually out walking around giving meds to other people...it was the way we had it originally until she cried that she was embarrassed that they had to give her the pills..and why why why couldn't she do it herself. So we thought giving her some control by going to get them herself would help. We just change one problem for another. She has every right to be frustrated so I guess I will try to figure out another way for her to get her meds.
If it's not one darn thing its another, huh?

Meg

Meg,
If they are out walking around with meds, can they come and give them to her at her room? That way if she is embarassed about getting meds it would be more private. That's what we did for Dad when it became apparant that he was over and under medicating himself. I was never sure if he took enough. It was such a worry. Then he would crab that she either came too early or too late. The translation was that she was interrupting the news or that he was asleep or wanted to go to breakfast. It takes such detective work to figure out what is wrong with them sometimes. The dining room holds such fear because someone said something wrong or they have sat in the wrong chair or there was the wrong meal. It can be any little thing that can set them off.

Meg, just keep a stiff upper lip and bide your time. She's turning to you for help, it will get better...it will get better.maybe you can try clicking your heels gether????just some humore there........

Wow, I can so relate to this medication issue. Mom swore she could handle the medication at home... until Dad ended up in the hospital with a Xanax overdose we tried to believe her. The pharmacy questioned me several times about how much of some medications they were taking and how little of others. (They had a phantastic pharmacy). We arranged for AL to give them their medications. Mom revolted. Timing was all wrong. They would give Dad a med at 6 AM, he would go back to sleep but Mom would be up for the day creating chaos. Lack of sleep makes her cranky. It took a while to get the medication issue resolved but now they come in just before lunch time and just before bedtime. They incorporate the medication with other task and it seems to work. The med techs are wonderful and for the most part Mom thinks they are friends visiting rather than staff medicating. The medication has become incidental. After about 8 months it seems to not be a problem.

I can also relate to the dinning room issues. They are remodeling the dinning room at Mom and Dad's AL and it has been crazy. Mom swears they are ask to move every meal. They actually were able to sit outside twice and had to wait for seating a couple of times. I have talked to the AL staff and once the remodeling is finished Mom and Dad will be at a long table which seats about 10 people. Mom is looking forward to the "family" table. Hopefully this will resolve our dinning room issues.

It is a balance between giving our loved ones as much independence and control as possible yet making it failure proof so they get what they need. My philosophy lately is.... give it time because tomorrow it will be different! Sometimes they just need something to be crabby about!

Love, deb

Wellll, we originally had them coming to her with the meds to her apartment but she would wait for them..we can't seem to nail down a definite time for goodness sake..so anyway, she would sit and wait in her apartment for them and she wouldn't get out and enjoy herself with breakfast, classes and such.
So then they tried giving it to her in the dining room and, oh my, we sure had drama over that one..she was embarrassed that people would think that she was too stupid to take care of her own medicine. She is a proud, independent woman. (aren't we all?)

The way the whole meds thing was sold to us was that they would track her down once they figured out her schedule..but it hasn't worked out that way.

We tried them coming to her apartment..
we tried the dining room.. ( the best and easiest, but not in her mind, and I guess that's what counts)
we tried her going to the nursing office herself...so far, no winner...but we'll keep trying. I mean, what else have we got to do, right?

Thanks everyone. I'll say it again...just hearing from you all makes me think I'm not on this crazy island alone.

Meg

How about if you are there when they dispense the pills and they give you a couple placebos, like vitamin or even candy and you can fake it somehow, and she sees that you take them without any problem and maybe she will?

Just a thought, as crazy as it seems! ;)

Sunnydaze, I had to laugh at your response..( in a good way)
I guess we all are thinking in ...er...um...creative ways because just this past Sunday we did try that..the only thing she said was, "I thought I was the only one taking pills." And then she went on to complain about it...Oh well. If we don't try we'll never know what works.

Meg

;) Yea, sometimes you try just about anything, it's like trying to get your kids to eat their veggies and they don't want to.

I must say, a little bit of humor now and then does help me cope with this! ;)

I have come to the conclusion that my Mom just needs to complain. She's like a pressure cooker simmering. The day before yesterday it was something somebody said, yesterday it was meds, today it is the dinning room, tomorrow it will be the beautician, and the day after that it was how they cleaned the bathroom. Somewhere in there was how the laundry was done and the condition of the washers and dryers. Oh, and don't forget the quality of the food and type of activities. Bottom line is... she knows she can do it better if she was back at home.

With meds alone she has complained that they gave them too early, too late, there were too many, they were too big, they were crushed, they were not crushed, they were not given with food, they were not given at all, she was given the wrong pills, and she didn't like the way they were presented. Oh yeah, Dad's pills were too early, too late, etc etc etc!! Then one day she stopped talking about pills completely and went on to something else.

For the most part I just respond with "Yes Mom, I will check into that." and we go on to the next complaint. She seems to respond better to routine and that has to be created over time. Once the routine is established in her mind it's ok, at least for a while. That just takes time and listening but not responding to her complains for a while.

I said to Mom just yesterday... what we want is not always what we need. That is a statement she has said to me about a million times in my life and seemed to strike a cord that calmed her down. Tomorrow it will infuriate her. Have you ever felt like you were walking through a mine field?

Actually a scene from "Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxie" comes to mind. Arthur and Ford are walking across an open plaine to the Vogons offices when suddenly something popped up out of the ground and smacked them in the face then vanishes. They walk a little further and it does it again. Eventually they become fearful of moving. Finally they use something as simple as a hand towel to ward off the smacks. Such is life with ALZ... you just have to find the right hand towel...

Love, deb

Oh Deb I love it! The right hand towel. And here all this time I've been wondering what to do with the extra hand towels. They should be given to every care giver as soon as your loved one is diagnosed with AZ. Here is your hand towel. Use it wisely. You never know when and where you may need it. Keep it safe and clean. It may save you life some day. I think we need a few to give to our other deb right now, doncha think? We could keepa spare stack of them for those who are having difficult times-sort of a security blacnket of towels...But they would have to be rationed...no hording, must be used daily..a whole list of do's and don'ts for their own well being. We may be on to something here. The sisterhood of the hand towels.... Does it matter that I'm left handed?

OMG Ibake..... I just literally doubled over laughing. I don't know if you have ever read or seen Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (great book and movie) but I do believe you got it. It is described as " A massively useful thing an interstellar hitchhiker can have" It seemed to fit our situation very well! We are hitchhikers in our loved one's travels through their world that we don't understand.

Thanks for the laugh this morning... I just hung up from a stressful conversation with Mom and so needed that!!

Love, deb

PS.... they come in all shapes and sizes :)

What...the towels or our Moms or the problems. Do we get to chose or is that a crap shoot too?

hang in there my dear friend. It will get difference..not always better, but different. maybe it goes with the towels...

My mom used to crochet net into scratchies...like little round area rugs in looks, but made out of strips of colored net. Used to cleam=n pots and pans. Are far better than scotch brites...Anyway, I had such high hopes of gettting her back to doing these to help with co-ordination, memory, anything you can think of. So I bought yards and yards and YARDS of net. cut it into the one inch wide strips that you need-now stop to picture 10 yards of anywhere from 36"6-60" wide net cut into 1" wide strips. That's a whole lotta strips that don't lay nicely..well you get the picture. I have this massive gathering of stripes. I bring them to minnesota with me...the poor security guy who made the mistake of opening my carry on bag had this stuff grow out of the bag at him. He jumped back and just waved me through. Well, I come to Mom with a crochet hook and the net. HEy Mom, look what I have,,,,remember how to do this? you just, she just handed back to me and laughed. took the one I had done and said "you made this awfully lumpy. I always taught my daughter (that's me Mom!) to make them smooth and flat, not lumpy like this! and she sort of tossed it down in disgust. The moral of the story is don't cut 10 yeards of net into strips...:D:D unless you plan on doing it for years and years. I now crochet on the way to work and home waiting for apts....for just about anything. Have found a use for the free make-up bags I get. My kids love them and they make great tuck in gifts BUT there gets to be a limit....Now I know I was going somewhere with this....We try something, anything in hopes of helping. Whether it's scratchies or our towels or whatever we keep trying because we can't give up, can we? So grab a towel and I'll hang onto the other end when you get tired.....it's not hard when there is more than one is it?

Deb, are you sure you're not talking about MY mother with the daily complaining?! ..oh, it is so exhausting, for me and for her, I'm sure.
Yes, the pills, the dining room, the people, the this, the that. And it only gets worse? Gracious, I might contemplate putting my head in the oven but since it is electric the only thing I would accomplish would be to dry out my hair therefore giving me one problem to have to try to fix.

And my son, a great fan of the Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy, told me one day that he was a "hoopy frood and he knew where his towel was". Well, I told him that must mean I am one humdinger of a "hoopy frood" because I know where several of my towels are.

I too had a stressful call with my mom this morning. She called me crying, begging me to bring her things back to her. She becomes obsessed and there is no way we can get her mind off of it. She pleaded by saying ,"do you think you would allow me to have my things again?"
(remember these are the things we found for her Monday but now they have become something else in her mind) The doctor told us not to argue with her ..and with other things I can just not answer but with this.. (??)
so, I told her we would try to see what we could do about it tomorrow. (since today I am at work)
She cried some more then told me she just gives up and would worry about it after she died. She told me she would probably die in two months. Her body is healthy so I doubt that but there is a part of me who prays it comes sooner than later just so she is out of this tormented world she now lives in.

Meg

What a blessing you all are for me today!!!!! At least you just had netting IBake. Back in the days when I really didn't understand I bought an expensive quilt kit because Mom make the most beautiful quilts. I stripped all the material and gave her what she needed and the magazine with the pattern stuck as an insert. She tore out the insert and threw it away. That should have been a clue but I scowered the internet for that outdated magazine and finally found another one. I put the pattern with the material the next time. She handled it, lost bits, and totally mixed up all the sorted colors strips of fabric but never sewed a strip. So I now have in my posession a quilt to do. We do live and learn don't we.

BTW Ibake... that any shape and size was left open for the very reason you stated.... it could be anything :)

LOL Meg..... yes we are all hoopy froods!!! I think the best part of this forum is finding out that we are not the only one with a specific problem. Instead of looking at what we are facing as something odd and strange we see that it is normal for the disease which makes a huge difference in our mind comfort. Don't put your head in the oven, dried out hair is a bugger to deal with. Instead just a slight banging on the desk occassionally should do. Just put a pillow down first.

My mom has decided she needs to move back home again. She won't say I want to move back home she says, "You dad is not doing well and I don't know how long he is going to make it. I really want to take him home before he dies. Why don't you come pick us up on your way to see your daughter and drop us off at home." YEAH RIGHT!!!!!! NOT!!!! She went to the psychiatrist for her med review yesterday and thought she would trash the facility and get him to say she could go home. He told her she was right where she needed to be and now she hates him and had cried for 24 hours. I just keep talking about tomorrow and by the time I hung up today it was better..... for the moment. Everything in her world is for the moment because it can change faster than those fly swats could slap Arthur in Hitchhiker!!! Where is my towel!!!!!

I'm off to have supper with my best friend.... I am taking my own advice today and doing something for me :-)

Love you all more than you know..... deb

Mom is still working on her "move back home" compulsion. Her first try this week was to ask me to stop by the next time I went to see my daughter, pick up her and Dad, take them home, and leave them there a few days. That didn't work for her. Then she went into the psychiatrist thinking that if she trashed the facility and us enough he would tell her that she should be at home. That didn't work for her. Then she decided to convince me that Dad was going to die soon and he wanted to go back home before he died. That didn't work for her.

Today when I talked to her she announced that Dad had written letter to all the daughters. It has been 35+ years since my Dad wrote me a letter. He just doesn't do that. I commented that looked forwards to receiving it. She smuggly announced that we were not going to like what he had to say. :dizzy:

I don't have the letter yet and I already know what it is about. She has antagonized Dad until he wrote us letters about what lousy daughters were are for making him stay there. I have already received one phone call from him about this in the past and I could hear Mom in the background telling him what to say. He never mentions going home unless Mom has put that thought into his head repeatedly. He wants to make her happy. She blames us so he tries to find out why we are not allowing them to go home like Mom wants. Mom is the one that is obcessed with it. Now the only letter I will have from my Dad in my adult life with be blasting me for doing him (Mom)wrong. :::sigh:::

Well.... this is not going to work for her either. The "brilliant" (note the dripping sarcasm) comment by the psychiatrist was that we need to teach Mom to grieve. I know she is having difficulty with losing her home, the husband that she knew, and her old life but at this point we cannot "teach" her anything. She has been doing this for several years now. At least, thanks to modern chemistry, she is not laying in the yard screaming and crying that she wants to die but she never gives up on the compulsive manipulation which is severly scewed by her cognitive inabilities.

Now I have all weekend to anticipate my letter....

Love, deb

Isn't it incredible that even a psychiatrist, for Heaven's sake, thinks she can LEARN something, when he knows she has AD! Her learning time is over. Grieving, yes, but not learning how.

You are so right that we are blessed with modern medicines to keep the AD victims from crying, kicking and screaming all day and all night long. Yes, there is something to be said for modern medicine, as much as they do tend to treat the symptoms and not the person.

I suspect your Dad never wrote any letter.

My Mom once told me on the phone to be on the lookout for a plain white envelope full of money - she thought she had won a lottery and was sending cash to all her family members. I did not hold my breath, and of course no envelope ever came (just BILLS from the NH!)

Love,

Martha

I have been totally floored more times than one by physicians, even psychiatrist that just don't get it. I do miss the wonderful people at MARS because they truly got it but then again they were a Memory Assessment Research Service! At least I know there is somebody out there that gets it and is searching for answer. Maybe that knowledge will eventually trickle down.

In a way I hope you are right Martha. I hope I never get such a letter whether it be that he never wrote it or they were never mailed.

The one things I have figured out today...... There was a time that I didn't like or understand why my parents did what they did and said what they said but I have since figured out that it was because they knew more than I did and were looking out for my best interest. At this point in my life my parents don't understand what I am saying or like what I am doing. They will never figure out that it is because I know more than they do and I am looking out for their best interest but I know that both of us do what we do because we love each other. So I am going to just continue doing what I am doing...... and pray that the miracles of modern chemistry continue to work!!!

Thanks for the encouragement! You're the best. I'll let you know the first of the week if I get that letter......

Love, Deb

First let me say that I am so impressed with the wisdom of you all. I found this board just a few days ago and I already feel as though the boil has been lanced so to speak..in other words, the pressure has eased with the knowledge I have taken away.

My husband and I feel all we do and all that we are is my mom and her situation, so at least today these boards and what is on them gave us added conversation. I must say we did laugh at the psychiatrist telling your mother, Deb, that she needs to learn to grieve. Maybe while she is there she can learn to regrout the bathroom too. Pardon the sarcasm.

So today was the big day to see my mother who hates me for stealing her things. Hooray for us, we figured it out...for today at least.
I understand the obsession thing...why can't I get one with the obsession to wash windows instead of the obsession to look for stuff?! Constantly looking for stuff. ( and the desire to move home is just beginning...she has forgotten she sold her house to our daughter)

So here is how we handled it.
It started rocky but ended well.

First of all, I took a big box of her "stuff", almost junk stuff and dropped it off at my son, Jim's.
Then he took all of my step dad's award plaques that Jim had taken to his house from my mother's house when we moved her out and laid them on his dining room table and then I called her.
She didn't know I was there at Jim's. I told her I would be up there in 15 minutes and in her most pitiful voice said she was going to stay in today because her foot was hurting her. I told her that was too bad because Jimmy was waiting for her at his house...well, that changed her tune...still, pitifully, she said, yes, come get her...I asked her if she needed help I would come up to her apartment to get her...she snapped, NO!

I got there and you would have thought her foot had been chopped off the way she was carrying on. She limped her way into the car and wouldn't speak to me in a civil manner at all..so most of the trip was in silence.

We got to Jim's...she drug her poor crippled foot to his door and went in. He walked her over to his dining room table and showed her the display of plaques he had laid out for her...she fell apart..in grief and joy that she saw those things again. She kept saying, "I never thought I would see these again." These are the things she gave to Jim to keep of his grandpa's after he died last November. She, of course, has forgotten that.

My DIL and I left the two of them alone for about 15 minutes and when we came back, her foot had miraculously healed. She was walking around with Jim trying to figure out what to take to her place and what to leave with Jim. Most is staying with Jim. Then he showed her the box of "stuff". Well, it was like the Pope himself had presented that box directly from heaven. She was giddy...Jim got her some food and drink and a chair and she went through it bit by bit..staples, earphones, rubber bands, straight pins, scotch tape, note paper, scissors, about 20 brushes, mirror, magnifying glass, ashtray, Pens! PENS!!!!!!
That kind of stuff...she had just seen it two weeks ago but said she hadn't seen it for ages! It took about 2 hours and by the time she was through she was happy again.
Jim asked her if she would like to take a ride up the coast to see the shuttle lift off today but she said no ..too long of a trip (2 hours) and she just wanted to go home with her stuff. So I left them at that point. Jim was going to take her back to her apartment later and when I left she kissed me goodbye. Jim ..all of us, were shocked. My mom, though she loves us all, is not a kissy woman.

So, for today, she is fine...tomorrow she may not be, but at least we may have figured out what to do the next time..the stuff she left with Jim is going back into a box for her to look through the next time this happens. We have more boxes of "stuff" so we'll keep showing it to her over and over if that is what it takes.
So that's the story ...crises handled for this day. We'll worry about later, later.



Meg

sounds like your Mum would benefit from a busy box!!

I can understand the pen thing .. I am addicted to stationary myself ... the kids have to forcibly drag me away from stationary shops and aisles .... I've warned them to get me a busy box full of stationary when I'm old and grey (oh hang on, the grey is already happening .... )

I've seen various 'busy boxes' used quite successful.

Remember the old padded sewing baskets? They are brilliant with reels of cotton, embroidery threads, and *non-sharp* items. Perhaps even children's blunt scissors.

Old handbags can be busy boxes with old purses, hankies, lipstick etc.

Stationary ? Well, that could probably go in a gift box perhaps. Bright and cheerful.

Hope this gives you some 'calming Mum down' ideas.

cheers

Thank you Meg!! I busted out laughing at the grout comment. I may use that next time my sister tells me that Mom needs to learn to grieve. Maybe we can teach her to grout as well. Excellent!! I also love you solution to the missing "stuff". Keep those boxes handy. Idea.. why don't you hide one in her apartment and the next time she's in really bad shape tell her where it is. If going through stuff works then use it and abuse it until you wear it out.

Mom actually enjoys mail. I try to sent a box at least once a week. Sometimes I know she needs new pillow cases because she lost them in the laundry or Dad needs a new shirt because Mom poured clorox on it, or Dad needs a new wallet because Mom washed it. I just write a check for whatever I get out of her check book and mail it to her. Other weeks I send boxes with candies, cookies, a book, an assortment of trinkets, "stuff", or whatever comes to my mind that I think she might enjoy. Other days I mail cards. It seems to brighten the day. I also have flowers delivered once a month and make sure they are long lasting. She's still gushing over the $11 orchid I took last time I visited. My sister takes them the local newspaper twice a week and several magazines that they enjoy. The best money we spend is for the newpaper. Besides being a date reminder my Dad will sit and read the funny papers over and over again.... All that is busy entertainment but whatever works for the moment makes for a good moment ;)

Love, deb

Martha, I promised so......

I got my letter from Dad today. It was definitely written in Dad's hard to read chicken scratching, addressed by Mom and had two 42 cent stamps on it (guess she wanted to be sure she had enough postage) with minor errors in the address but it arrived.

As I expected, though didn't expect it in writing, it included the statement.... "Your Mom ask me to write to each of you". Even thought it was a request (prompted by Mom) to go back home it was preceded by statements such as "I am writing to let you know I have not deserted you" and ended with "I love you all". It also contained the comment "We have had a good time up here but we miss our family and friends a great deal." Leave it to my Dad to put a positive spin, while trying to make Mom happy, yet being kind to us as well. I know they want to go back home but they are where they NEED to be. See why he, even in his dementia fog, is my hero!!!!!

I have talked to one of my sisters today and her letter was different. He commented that he had not seen her in such a long time. In fact she was there less than 36 hours before he had written that letter. I have talked to two of my sisters because of this letter and it has unified rather than split us further and we recognize it for what it is. I also received e-mail from the last sister. It is having the opposite effect that Mom wished for. All four of my sisters have solidified that Mom and Dad are right where they need to be and no letter, even from Dad, will change that. For once we are all united on a single front so that is good. We may not agree on details but it is getting better. So something positive has come out of what Mom hoped to be Dad's scolding of us to get them back home :)

Love, deb

A busy box...that is what we are now going to call her boxes of stuff.

And, the suggestion to get her stationery is also a great one...with her sometimes limited vocabulary I have figured out that is one of the things she is missing..so I am going to put together a box of stamps, envelopes, nice paper, postcards, etc. and take up to her. I think she will enjoy it and if she is in a bad mood she'll accuse me of thinking she can't get that stuff herself...but whatever.

Deb, I am glad you saw a bright spot in those letters..those letters will be something for you to treasure...the love peeking out from your father.

Meg