I want to apologize in advance, ladies.. Both for not posting in so long and for being so negative..

I check in every day, many times a day and have been following all your BFPS! I just haven't had the will to post..because there is nothing new here with me..

I can't seem to get AF to stop and I want to proceed further with tests and IF treatment possiblities but we cant afford it out of pocket, we could raise a child..but we don't want to add debt to that by all the IF treatments, I know that's horrible..but we're trying to do this naturally..

It's just not seeming to work..I've been having AF for like two months straight..with a week break here and there.. We BD, but I can't possibily be Oing.. and to beat it all off, all the girls around me are coming up pregnant.

A friend of mine is expecting a baby, they live with her parents, neither of them work, they have no money, car, insurance or plan.. and I'm so angry that I'm sitting here waiting for a baby..and it's not happening.

The one thing I want to do, more than anything in the whole world is hold a child (my child) in my arms..and I'm beginning to think it'll never happen. My best friend doesn't understand, he just preaches to me about how I am young and have my whole life to wait and I shouldn't rush it.

It feels like no one understands, I've been a mess of emotions, even as I write this now..I'm sobbing. And DH, bless his heart, has no idea how to deal with me.. he just tries to pretend he doesn't notice me crying because he's at a loss of how to make me feel better. I think this IF and TTC has pushed me to depression.. I don't know, I just know I can't seem to get happy..for myself or anyone really. (Except you IF sisters who get your much deserved BFP!)

I just don't know what to do or how to stop feeling like I want to just crawl in a hole.. My MIL doesn't help either, she is always making jabs and jokes about us being unable to have a baby or having not gotten pregnant yet. She's always saying.." Oh, I want another grandchild but it'll never happen at this rate.." When anyone asks her if she wants more grandchildren.

I just wish sometimes people could walk in our shoes and see how we feel and what we have to cope with..daily.. maybe they'd be more sensitive. I don't know, I just needed to vent.. I think now I need to sleep, I've cried myself up a migraine. :( Thanks ladies, for being so much support around here.

:wave: Red

Hi Red,

After reading your post, all of my feelings of stress and anxiety came back to me. I know exactly how you are feeling right now and alot of girls here do too.

Financially, IF is just impossible for anyone to deal with. But, if you have health insurance for a regular OBGYN, you could start there.
I had the same bleeding issues with my cycles. I tried the OTC OPK kits and some months they would come up positive and other months they wouldn't, so I knew it was an ovulation problem.

Your reg OBGYN can prescribe Clomid, estrogen, Progesterone, and any other "basic" meds to try to regulate your cycle. This might put you back on track and get your body doing what it should be doing.
Plus, this doesn't count as "fertility" treatments so it should be covered by your insurance.

I would start there if I were you. At least its a step towards fixing the problem!:):)
I wish you the best of luck and please keep us posted on your progress!

I hope this helps a little. My whole attitude about dealing with IF is to just keep looking forward, keep your head up and try to think positively. Always think in the back of your mind that you WILL have your baby someday, maybe right now is not the time, but know that it will happen for you.

Oh Red, I'm so sorry you're having a hard time. Bee could be right about your OBGYN getting you started on clomid, progesterone etc to help regulate your cycle. Your ins. could pay for some, and clomid in itself isn't that expensive compared to some IF meds.
If I remember correctly, didn't you try herbs for a while? Vitex was it? How did that work for you with your cycle? I know when I was on it, it didn't seem to make a whole lot of difference except I broke out with more zits in that 1 year I was on vitex than all my teenage years combined! IF is really hard and can easily get a person down and vitex or any other IF meds can excentuate the problem. I've been going thru a bit of depression myself, it seems like a lot of us are at this time.

If you haven't seen your doctor about your cycle, you could ask him/her about a way for you to be started on clomid or something like that and hopefully get a way for your ins to pay for it. It seems like OBGYN's prescribe Clomid quite easily and frequently.

I know what you mean about people all around you getting pg. and especially if there's family members making rude remarks. That is NOT cool of your MIL to make a comment like that. My FIL kept asking us when we were going to give him another grandchild. After a while I just told him flat out "Keep wishing because it's not going to happen." That really stopped him in his tracks. I figure it's none of his business whether we give him another grandchild, he shouldn't be so greedy. Maybe you could think of a comment (not nesessarily rude like mine:o) to tell MIL next time that IF really hurts and is very difficult. Who knows maybe she'll want to help out financially if she really wants another grandchild.

Good luck sweetie.

Red it sounds like you've been going through this IF rollercoaster longer than me, but what I think happens is you go through lifecycles with this experience. The micro lifecycles, are being high about a positive progression one day, then your brain starts to worry about the next stage, or what'll happen tomorrow.
The mini lifecycle is every month, we have the hope at the beginning of the cycle, leading to O day, then the stress and anxiety and more hope, then some of us are lucky to get their BFP (and then they start on the pregnancy lifecycle of worry;)), or a BFN, and we dip really low in the cycle, till we start all over again.
Then I think there's the macro lifecycle, which is over a period of months. We can only be positive for so long, can only be hopeful, and strong when faced with constant babies and pregnant colleagues, family and friends, and everyone has a breaking point. But slowly we build ourselves back up, often with the help of partners, family and friends, and we start again.

I may have only confused you, but that's how I see it in my head...when I'm thinking rationally!!!!!:D

First, let me thank you ladies for the wonderful words of encouragement.

Bees-
I did several rounds of clomid two years ago, unsuccessfully. Though at the time, I kind of felt like my OBGYN didn't really do all the monitoring I would have liked to of had done. Currently, since DH changed jobs..the new insurance hasn't kicked in and won't for another couple months, so I'm basically riding along without insurance and trying to cope with this prolonged AF anyway I can, though when the new insurance does kick in- I'll be sure to take your suggestions and visit with GYN again. :) Thank you so much for all the help and ideas!

Pink-
I couldn't agree more about in laws.. It seems like they really dont understand, and my MIL doesn't.. she says the reason it's not happening is I'm too stressed over it. She doesnt "believe" in IF, she says everyone is fertile, there's no medical reasons people can't get PG. :mad: The vitex on the other hand didnt seem to do much, I took it for a few months..and in those months I bleed more than usual. AF usually is 16 days or more with a two-three week break.. In the last three months, I dont think I've had but a week break every four weeks!

Airline-
You made perfect sense to me! Thank you very much for your kind words. I believe it we could all just find a way of dealing with things like this, working it out rationally..then when the time comes and we're all feeling very nuts..we could just think back to what we figured out rationally. Now..lets hope that made sense to you. :) No matter how long the IF journey is, it doesn't get easier.. In my opinion.

Last night DH noticed I was crying right before he went to work and gave me a big long hug, he was all worried and has called me a couple times throughout the night to make sure I'm okay.. Sweet as that is, I have to be up in an hour for work! Mwehehe. But I won't dare get mad at him for trying in his own way to make me feel better..

Thanks again ladies, you all are the best. I have no idea what I'd ever do without you all! Even if I'm not so deep into IF treatments as most of you.. I wouldn't want to be anywhere else than right here with you guys (Or over on the PG boards with you guys. :D )


:wave: Red

If you've been bleeding that much I would go see your MD. Your hormones may be off balance and hopfully the doc could help you to get back on track, at least.

I am done with IF treatments, I'm just lurking on this board. I figure I can never give up on TTC even if we don't do treatments.

Do you have any plans on what you may want to do next?

Pinkie-

You really are truly an angel, you know? :angel: You're the very best of the best. At this point.. We're just waiting for the insurance to pick back up before we decide what to do. I'll have to change OBGYN's because mine left the office last month, the entire office closed..so I'll be searching up a new doctor and in my region I'll end up driving quite a distance for a good one. I'm feeling a bit better today but seems like I cry at the drop of a hate, I wouldn't be surprised if my hormones were way off..

Hopefully from there, we can skip all the BBT charting and get right down to it..since I've been there and done that. Right now, we're looking at short term..and getting the bleeding to stop, it comes and goes. Sometimes super heavy..sometimes just heavy enough to need a tampon. :) After that, we'll get DH's swimmers checked and possibly try clomid..again. hehe

Thank you so so much for the encouragement, you're truly an angel.

Thanks!

:wave: Red

Red, good luck to ya with the new ins. I hope it starts up quick so you can get the show on the road on your bundle of joy. Don't lose hope sweetie, someday you WILL hold your own sweet baby.

Red, honey, I am so sorry you are feeling down. And I wholeheartedly argee with Pinkie, honey, you shoudl see your doctor. Insist on an u/s. Honestly. I don't know if you rmember, or saw, but I bled for about six weeks or so. And heavily, with only a few days resptie in between. And even those days, I had spotting. Well I gave in and finally called my gyne with an SOS. Well he was a star and did a b/w right away (to make sure I wasn't amemic and to check hormone levels---even though I wasn't on any treatment at the time) and a u/s in a few days time. As it turns out, I had a large polyp/fibroid in my utuerus, causing all the bleeding. So he ordered a minor surgery (that's the one where he drilled my ovaries too and gave me a dye test and D&C) and right after, I was fine and actually had a regular cycle. My first regular cycle!! But, I gained a whole bunch of weight afterwards (still haven't managed to lose it yet. Darn Oreos.) so that nice regular cycle seems to have been a one time deal. Until I lose this weight, but it's hard. Again, darn Oreos :p But yes, definitely call you docotr and insist on an u/s, and a b/w in case your hormones are out of sync.

Sweetie, I'm so sorry you're having a hard time. Seems like a good few of us are having a tough time picking our chins up. Is there anyhting ou can do, just fo ryou? Maybe even something small like a trip to the library to check out fun, easy reads. (nothing heavy!) Maybe a manicure....or a home one, if money is tight. The weekend is here, how about a girls' night in; popcorn, gossip, mud masks and "steamy hero" movies, who coudl go wrong? :jester: Or a date night? Just do something for you. If you can, everyday, do something small and fun for you. Have something to look forward to everyday. For example (aside from the fact that today is friday and therefore I'm looking forward to the weekend) last night, I bought a reasonably priced (it was in the cheap bin!! :D) power yoga dvd for beginners. So I'm looking forward to doing that at sunset and bringing in the weekend with a nice cup of green tea. And Saturday, Maman and I are going to the sales whiel Dh is at work! Maybe you can set something up each day for you to enjoy. And it doesn't have to have a purpose like for example, "I'm going to do yoga to relax and therefore have a better chance at BFP." but like "I'm going to do yoga so I let go of all the labels (eg. wife, worker, friend, sister etc) and just be."

Red, I wish you the best of luck and I KNOW you will be holding your little one REALLY soon. I know your BFP is coming, right after we get this AF problem dealt with, I wouldn't at all be surprised if you get your BFP right away!!

***babydust****

Princess-

Thank you SO much for the kind, encouraging words. I feel like I'm starting to feel a little better, and with y'alls wonderful advice soon as DH's new insurance picks up, I'll be right at the DR demanding he help me get this under control! I've always had way irregular AF's, I use to never get her..now she won't leave! :D

Good luck on your cycle, Princess!! I read all about those hot boots, maybe I need to get myself some! This weekend won't be quite as relaxing as I'd like, I'll be working a few extra hours.. However I have a nice vacation coming up in the beginning of July down to the beach, so I'm very much ready for that.

Thanks again for the kind, very sweet words.. You all are life savers. I truly don't know what I'd do without you. :angel:

:wave: Red

Hi Red, I am sorry you are going through some rough times, but that bleeding cant be good for you at all. Its possible to be a polyp, like Princess said, had one myself too, but was doing just some spotting, never heavy bleeding. Maybe you might have to go to ER if this gets too serious. They can figure with you like a payment plan if the bill gets too high, I know, who wants that, but I am more worried for your health.
Take care of yourself and let us know how it goes.
Mady

Hi Red! Like Mady, honey, I'm worried about your health. I don't want you t become anemic, and especially since you are picking up extra hours, I don't want you to fall ill. As Mady said, could they work out a payment plan, perhaps?

Oh, I SO know where you are coming!! From I remember I went 7 months without AF----begging for her....and then I got he polyp and had six agonizing weeks of her!! I undersand that you'll wait for IF treatment as soon as DH's ins. gets its wheels in motion, that's great!!! I can't wait!! I knwo that you will get your BFP right away!!

LOL-- those boots man! I'd never wear them anywhere I wore them to the mall once and I thought my feet were going to fall off!! Thos heels man! But they sure work with BDing LOL. I'm going to see if maybe I can get them to work this weekend too. Thanks for the luck!!

********babydust***********

I just wanted to say you are not alone. I think most of us on this IF journey understand completely what you are saying and even what you are feeling, if you can imagine that. I don't know what to say except that things will get better and that we are here for you. Take some time to do things you love or take a vacation or even find some new hobbies. I know that might sound silly. But I think we get so caught up and so preoccupied with this IF stuff that we actually start to lose ourselves and the things we love. I hope that makes sense. Be selfish, so to speak, and take really good care of you. I promise you will feel better. If you think about it, I bet there are things in your life you used to enjoy that you have let go. Go back to them, find them! Force yourself if you have to until it becomes natural again. I hope I am not rambling like a crazy IF sister. :angel: