Hi Everyone,

I'm in my early 20's.

8 months ago my Dad died from pancreatic cancer. He was only diagnosed 9 months earlier so it was all very quick. And he was only 54 so it was devastating for EVERYONE.

I know I shouldn't make Dad's death about me but Since Dad died I have NEVER been the same.

Things I used to enjoy doing before no longer interest me. I find it hard to be around big groups of people and my self esteem is so incredibly low (which is not a normal thing for me).

I have also become extremely paranoid about the smallest things that never bothered me before. I have also become super sensitive about everything and some days I suffer from really bad anxiety.

Is this all a part of grief and loss? Can grief have this big of an affect on someone?

I want my old self back. The person who was confident and had fun and enjoyed going out and seeing friends - now all I want to do is hide at home :(

I just want to know if anyone else has experienced all of these feelings and if so, did they find ways to cope or make it better or is it all a time thing?

Petrie1.

Hello Petrie,

The extent that a person's life changes can be equated with emotional ties involved; the closer the relationship, the deeper the impact.

As children, we would like to believe that our parents would live forever but as we get older, we realize that this cannot be possible.

Your father was probably thought of as the protector and as long as he was alive, no harm could or would befall you. With his sudden passing, it changed the "belief system" as well as eradicated your levels of trust(as he was probably your confidante).

I truly believe that therapy may be ideal for you, for so many reasons.

Please keep posting, if you are up to it.

Take care.

Respectfully,

Phoenix

I lost my mother when I was 23, she died in her sleep, of a sudden heart attack. She was 46, and she passed away on my bridal shower day, and 1 month away from my wedding. It devastated me and has changed me forever. It was also not the best way to start off our marriage.

I think about her everyday, and she passed away in 2000. I know have 2 boys, they are 2 and 4, and I think about what life would be like if she were here. I would not struggle to find babysitters, she would be with them all the time. My husband and I would be able to have more time to ourselves, and I am sure my mom would come stay with us, and be with us a lot. She would adore our boys, and would not be able to get enough of them.

She died so suddenly I never got to say goodbye. Two days earlier we were at camp, having a bbq, and drinking wine coolers together. It is so crazy that life can be taken away so quickly. It has scarred me for life.

I know I am a blueprint of my mother. I am built like her, and I have some of the illnesses she had, but were never diagnosed in her, like fibromyalgia, migraines, anxiety, and depression. I am battling chronic pain now, and I wish she were here to help me and take care of me when I am really sick or in pain, I could ask her questions, and she would be there for me, my husband, and my boys.

I know what you are feeling. Eight months after my mom died, I was recovering from a battle with major depression, and had to rely on medications to pull me out. I had to learn skills to help me cope, and while on medications, I did, and then I went off the medications, and I did okay until after my first son was born, and then I needed help again. I have been on Lexapro for 4 years, and took 9 months off to have my second son. I have battled depression and anxiety for years now, and I just need a little help. Maybe you need to see your family doctor for a checkup, and talk about what you are going through. That is where I started.

It will get better, and life will move on. Sometimes it feels like life is standing still. Sometimes we need to ask for help.

Good luck, and keep writing us, it will help. We are here for you.

Kassandra

Hi Petrie!,
I am sorry for your loss, and the old Phase, "I know how you feel" is so true.
I too have lost my husband after colorectal Cancer 1 year ago, I too have had some profound changes, with my emotions. Also I lived in QLD, and had to sell our home and move interstate. I moved south to be with family and friends. This has compounded my emotions, as QLD is hot and humid and NSW is at the moment cold, I am sitting here with a heater on my and our winters in QLD didn't even need a heater we didn't own one. So I am too battling depression and a sence of where do I go from here, and where do I fit. I have no job as employment isn't abundant here. And to be honest some days I think I want to buy my own business and other days I don't want to work at all, this is a huge contrast. I don't go out execpt for Shopping. And loved that but now it's all an effort. Just getting out of bed is huge for me.
Everyone told me that after the first year it would be eazier, well I'm waiting and now I find that I am worse. I miss him more, and reality is just a thing I live with. I have been to mediums to contact him and I'm not sure if this is why I can't "snap out of this" or not. But an too searching for meaning. I am sorry I haven't loads of advise for you but just need you to know you are not alone. I am here today to find some answers myself as people and friends son't know how I feel, but you do. I feel a connedtion with you.
Please keep intouch, as if I find out how, I will let you know.

Keep searching and I will too.

Hi Petrie I also know how you are feeling. I lost my husband to suicide over two months ago and it hurts more every day. Everything lost its meaning. I hate everything including myself. I miss him so much and I know nothing will be the same. I'm sorry for your loss just know there are many persons going through the same thing. Just know that there are many persons on this forum to talk to you and share the same feelings. I'm here for you. I'm so glad that I found this forum because there are people who trully understand. Lots of love and be strong.

Petrie - so many things came to mind as I read your post. First, I am so sorry for how you are feeling! Losing a parent is devastating no matter how old we are, but I think it would be particularly stark at your age. Your life is just starting and you are at the age where the parent-child relationship can really strengthen, and take on new meaning. I think for most of us that when we dream about our lives when we are young, our parents are always in the picture; their death is abstract. Now, you are making new sense of your life, and it can take some time. When you are feeling afraid or are having anxiety,
it will probably help most to talk to someone trustworthy, knowledgeable, and caring, who can just be there for you, love you, and help you remember that there can still be warmth, understanding, and strength in your life. I know how the dark moments are scary, and I hope you will reach out whenever you need to. If it will help you, please know that you may always contact me. I would be honored to help in whatever way I can. Much love and peace to you

Dear Petrie

You must give yourself time to grief; what you are going through is a grieving process. Have you got someone close to your age who also has suffered a traumatic loss? Perhaps there is a support group you could attend.

I personally have lost my dad and mum to cancer and five months ago unexpectedly lost my eldest son who died in his sleep - cause unknown.

I too have changed dramatically from someone who liked to do my own thing to someone who finds it extremely difficult to get motivated and really do anything. The least thing makes me extremely upset and although people say that it gets better with time - for some people it doesn't.

You are very young to have endure such a loss of a parent and I know everything seems scarey you have had to deal with more than most people in the last nine months.

As I said it would be good if you could go to a support group or counselling; it would help you to talk about your grief.

My thoughts are with you

Aussimom

I'm so sorry about your loss. I don't know what it's like, but I have a feeling that it's going to take awhile to do normal things. But I really do believe that overtime everything gets better. Just put on some music and grieve as much as you need to. Read the bible. Write in a journal. And be strong, because God is with you. :)

Sigh. This sounds vaguely familiar. Poor you! It sucks, I know.

2005 - I live in ONT with a kick ass job, my love interest of 5 years and a well established group of friends. Then my mom is diagnosed with terminal cancer so I return to Vancouver to care for her. She lived for a year and a half. It was good to be with her. By the time it was over, my old life was gone.
I expected the 'standard response' to my mother's death - you know, the text book grief stages etc. However, I did NOT expect my confidence to be shattered, but it was. Horribly.

I was a MESS for 2 solid years. I barely functioned and rarely left my house. I drank and spent my time sitting in the dark in front of the computer - the only social life I had. I was treated for severe depression because I simply stopped functioning - no eating, sleeping, bathing, cleaning - very smelly stuff! <holds nose> I went through approximately 90k (all of my investments and a significant amount of credit) because I couldn't work.

I wasn't just depressed. I was bloody terrified. Everything scared the pants off me. It was so frustrating because I couldn't seem to control or understand what was happening to me. Yes, I had been scared of things before (dentists, dogs, public speaking) but I had never let my fear stop me. Now, the fear was in control and I felt powerless to stop it. I would go on job interviews and start stammering - my hands would shake, my face would turn red - it was awful. (cringe)

OK, so that's what happened to me. First positive - it's over now (thus proving that it DOES end). Second positive - my reaction was probably (hopefully) a little more severe than yours.

Why did it happen? I don't know, but I think for me the fear was tied to identity issues (for lack of a better description). The external things that defined me were gone and my family structure had changed drastically. On a very basic level, I literally didn't know who I was. I had lost my orientation.

The other thing was that my mom was the person I loved most in the world. She never stopped being able to answer my questions! Even though I'm old
(grin) she kept me moving in the right direction. The fact that she didn't 'have my back' anymore was friggin' terrifying just by itself. Suddenly, I went from a professional business woman to a clingy 5 year old on the first day of school. I felt weak and exposed.

What to do? I don't know. I can't claim any great revelations. Obviously, I wasn't exactly 'Miss Speedy Recovery" myself. Antidepressants helped. So did a 'gentle reintroduction' to the workforce and time spent with my family. Helping others is a definite win-win as well. And time... I think in my case, it just got to the point where I'd finally had enough. Fear was robbing me blind and aiming for bankruptcy! I was tired of losses and finally strong enough to fight back.

The only advice I can give you is be kind to yourself. If you let yourself go to a place of self-loathing (What the hell is WRONG with me? I am a total fuck up! etc, etc) things get much worse and take much longer to recover. It's literally a miserable waste of time. So if you start beating yourself up, take a moment to see yourself through your father's loving eyes. When you run out of love for yourself, use his love. When you run out of patience, use his. Acceptance, his. You get my drift. And let's not forget - did they sometimes kick our asses? Hell, yes! That's an important part too. Would your dad let you get away with such & such? No? Well, then it's probably a bad idea. Although, there's no reason that we're going to listen to them anymore in death than we did in life (grin).

Take it easy P, you will get through.
(hand squeeze)

Im 16 years old. I know how u feel,i lost my father last year after my parents broke up.

About three o'clock in the morning i woke up to my mum and dad arguing,so i went to see if mum was alright but when i got to her room i heard the glass door slam shut then 5 secs later i heard a gun shot so i went to see what happened and i saw dad lying there on the cement with the gun next to him.

After that my life has been really hard for me, ive become quiet not able to talk to anyone school and i have had suicidal thoughts.The only thing that has kept me going is the fact that if i'm going through this and i commit suicide then i would be putting my family through even more grief and i don't want to do that to anyone.

I know that it will get better but its going to take some time.

Hope you Recover fast.

These posts help. I lost my mom to cancer and ever since the grief has been unbearable. I am filled with anxiety. I can't concentrate. I'm having a hard time functioning, in general, and even feel nervous about leaving my house, for fear my anxiety will increase. I feel very isolated. Has anyone gone to grief counseling?

Dear Toby,
I really do feel your pain, as a similar situation happened to my son's best mate. He hung himself in the house next door to our's years ago. We all had councelling as we all were involved, and my biggest fear was my son would do the same thing. Please know that you are not alone, and something the councellor told us is that when people do take their own lives, it's like they are in a big round deep hole and they are feeling their way in the dark. Try to visualise this hole and find your way out, you don't seem like the person that would think of doing this yourself as you are conserned about your family and I'm sure you would agree they too have been through enough. You sound like you are a nice person and any lose to any family member is devistating, your Mum needs your strength too. Don't put anyone before your needs but please consider them with every move you make. Talk to a councellor and ask yourself " can it hurt, or help?" What do you have to loose by talking to someone?, you are reaching out now and you have made the first step by emailing this site. Well done mate, we can all get though this together. As the song say's "lean on me when you are not strong, I'll be your friend"
Good luck mate, and remember you are not alone.

I lost my mom two weeks ago from lung cancer. I feel the same way you do I just dont
feel like doing anything. and I dont like feeling this way! I dont have a lot of friends
so I dont have a support group. Im going back to therapy I have an apt on Wednesday.
Try a bearevment group. Im going too. Good Luck to you.