I posted on this board almost one year ago at the one year anniversary of my fiance's death. He died of brain cancer at age 30, and I was his caregiver, along with his mother. I am feeling horrible. I can't contemplate any kind of life right now. I feel like my life is over and I just don't want to get up. Is this normal after almost 2 years? I don't know what to do. I took medication for awhile but hated that I couldn't even cry, I was so numb. I am having all of these feelings, I am angry at the world, hopeless, and I feel sick all of the time, mostly with stomach upset and tension headaches. I just need some validation that this is grief. I just want to feel better and to try and be happy, I just can't do it right now. My family thinks I am fine, I don't want to let them know how badly I feel. They think that because we weren't married and were together for only 2 years that I should be over everything. I'm not. I can't get over watching the man I loved lose his ability to speak and I think about how I had to suction out his mouth and throat so he wouldn't choke. I see him dead in his bed with his favorite teddy bear, it just won't end. Am I ever going to feel any kind of normal ever again?:confused:

Hello Angel, I am so sorry for your loss and what you have had to go thru. I think if I went thru it I would feel the same way. I think that the first thing you need to change is....quit hiding how you feel. You desperately need to get your feelings out, if not to your family, then to a therapist. What you went thru with your finacee is not an everyday experience that you can get over easily, and everyone is different how they experience pain, whether physically or mentally. Please, if you cannot talk to your family then seek a therapist. In the mean time, this board is a good one. People here are very caring, so keep writing, it will help.

Sunny

Thanks so much for your reply Sunny. I know you are right, unfortunately I live in a small town and therapy really isn't an option because my insurance doesn't cover what is available here (not much.) I will look into it more though. I tried talking to my mom and she tole me I just need to get out more (agh!). Thanks again, it helped to hear someone validate that what I went through is not something that happens often. Take care.

I f you have a library in your town, there are good books to read on how to deal with your pain. I know there are more people on this board that have gone thru it, I hope they will chime in here and talk to you. There is a book called "How to deal with the death of a loved one" Hope you can find it.

Sunny

Hi Angel,

Well! You've made the first step to recovery by posting a thread on this forum! I don't think any 2 people ever experience the exact same situation but everyone in this forum has experienced loss in some form or another so I hope you will find some help and comfort here.

You are 100% normal so don't feel like you are going crazy just because it has been 2 years and you still feel dreadful! EVERYONE experiences pain differently and you can NEVER put a time limit on when you are supposed feel better.

I don't know about everyone else but I believe (after being thru it myself) that there is NOTHING worse than losing a loved one. Wether they were in your life from day dot or in your life for a year, it is still terrible.

But what you need to do now is take baby steps to get back out there. I too absolutely hate when people tell me to 'get back out there'! It makes me so mad because we know that going back out isn't going to make it go away or take us back to when everything was fine but I do have a few suggestions.

Start off small. You said you live in a small town so I'm not sure what your options are but start by taking yourself off to a movie on a Saturday night or call up a friend and ask if they would like to go out for dinner or a coffee or even invite them over for a home cooked meal. Start with simple things that won't take you too far out of your comfort zone.

Then if someone invites you to a party or other social gathering, push yourself to go, even if it's only for an hour. I know the thought of crowds and happy people is daunting but you'll feel better about yourself if you just give it a go. Worst case scenario is that you get in your car and leave if it's not working out.

Also, maybe set your self a goal like moving and getting a new job in a city or something. Maybe you need a new distraction and something else to focus on. Being from a small town might be making this worse for you in a way.

Try setting yourself a tiny goal for each day. Even if it's cleaning your house or buying a book you've been wanting to read for ages, just write a few things down that you want to do and very slowly aim at doing those things.

When I have my really low days I tend to rent a bunch of DVD's and curl up on the lounge but I only allow myself to do it for one day!

We need to remember that our loved ones wouldn't want us to be like this for ever and that they would want us to be happy and we need to live life to the fullest for not only our sake but for their's as well.

I too watched my loved one die at home in bed and that memory will always be there but that wasn't them. We need to remember them for the way they were when they were healthy and happy.

Good Luck Angel and keep writing. It really does help.

I am so sorry for your loss and how badly you feel. I lost my mother, my best friend to Stage IV Lung Cancer on 7/28/07 and I still am grieving deeply. I miss her so much. I had to watch my mother, my best friend die in front of m y own eyes. She was diagnosed in 9/06 and passed away on 7/28/07. I still keep saying why??????? She was a great woman and she didn't deserve to die. I still keep remembering the night that she left my house and the next morning she was rushed to the hospital. The doctors kept telling us that they never seen anything like what my mother had. She had her yearly physical 2 months berfore she was diagnosed and her doctor said that she was completely healthy. It really stinks. I saw my mother everyday. When she was diagnosed she already had many tumors in her brain. She really never had any symptoms of lung cancer. 3 yrs. prior to her diagnoses she was diagnosed with asthma. Her doctor had her on asthma medication. I do remember my mother getting headaches here and ther and also feelin faint, I told her to goto the doctor and she did, but they never found anything. Her doctor also told my mother that she had anxiety for taking care of her 89 yr old mother at that time. Seven months prior to my mother's diagnoses she was in the ER with dizzy spells and she felt faint. They never did a cat scan then, they did blood tests and they told her that she had vertigo and sent her home. Then in 9/06 she woke up one morning and started feeling dizzy and then she started seeing double vision, my father rushed her to the ER and even then they didn't really know where the tumors were coming from. They did a chest xray and they said that everything looke fine until they did a cat scan and that is when they saw a tiny lesion on her lymph node. They were not really concerned with it, because she wasn't really having any breathing difficulties at that time. They started to do radiation to her brain. She started getting dementia from that and she really wasn't the same anymore. Even though they told us that her brain was clear after the treatments. They 6 months of chemo to her lun and lymph node and after those treatments they did another pet scan and they told us everything was clear. Not even off the treatments for 1 week, she started having numbness and severe pain in her jaw on the left side. She was told that not everything that lights up on a pet scan is cancer. For 2 months they told my mother that it wasn't cancer in her jaw and she suffered tremendously with the pain. She then had a massive stroke in 5/07. She saw 2 oral surgeons for her jaw and the second one found a massive tumor in her jaw. The only thing that they could do for the tumor was radiation for the pain and that didn't really help. She then started having severe pain in her back. They did another scan and that is when it was in her L2 and L3, they tried to do radiation to her hip where she was having the pain, but that didn't really help either. She almost finished those treatments except for about 2. She said that she didn't want anymore. She was in so much pain that nobody could even touch her. She was totally bed ridden the last 4 months of her life. It was so devestating seein someone you love suffer so much. I never thought that I would lose my mother to this terrible disease. The last 2 weeks of her life were so bad, because she would try to open her eyes and try to talk, but she couldn't. I still can't get that out of my head. I miss her and love her so much. Nobody will ever understand what you are going through unless they experience it themselves. I have such a hard time sleeping at night and I am so afraid to take these sleeping pills that my doctor prescribed to me about 6 months ago. I dread getting into bed at night, because I can't sleep. Thank you for listening to my story. Hope to hear from you soon. Blueyes62

Thanks all of you for your replies- Blueeyes I'm so sorry about your mother. I am hanging in there and trying to just focus on doing things to make myself feel good. At least the weather is nice and I can be outside more. I also have a vacation coming up, which I scheduled around the anniversary of Rob's death. I'll keep in touch, this has helped a lot.

Angel....Sorry for your loss. I lost my husband too (4/14/07) it was suddenly though in an accident and I also feel like I am going to lose my mind with grief at times.

I will tell you that something that is helping me is a grief group that meets once a week. I found it through hospice even though my husband didn't use hospice they still let me come and it is free. If you have a hospice program in or near your town they may be able to guide you to such a group.

I find it very therapeutic to talk to people who have had a loss like mine. We talk about our feelings and what helps us and what doesn't, we cry a lot too but for me it is about the only place I feel like I can cry without my family and friends getting upset and trying to fix it.

I grew up in Mt. Morris New York so I know the town you live in, if you think you would like to find such a group call the hospital and ask what hospice program they use.

I hope your anniversary day (not sure what we should call this) goes ok for you whatever you choose to do.