Have HSV1 below the belt for 3 years. Seeing this girl now I like, have met her friends, going to meet her parents, etc. She does really like me. I got to tell her at some point, although this may be kind of early yet. Sex could still be a long way off. But I don't want to drag her in emotionally too far to the point where it risks really hurting her and its harder for her to let go if she wants to. I have a guilty conscious and sometimes worry too much. Phsysically this is nothing, but emotionally its really bad. Any advice here would be appreciated.

Jim
Kamloops, BC

the sooner the better for both of your hearts.

Hi Jim,

Everyone has their own timing that works best for them. This is something that's being discussed in another thread right now, and is all over our archives.

I think we all have to find the right balance between our own needs (minimising the possibility of rejection) and those of our partner (wanting to minimise their hurt if things don't work out). You sound like you genuinely care about how she might be affected by the news and want to take that into account when deciding when to have "The Talk." I think that shows you have a good heart. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif Just remember to take yourself into account too.

You don't say how long you've been seeing this woman. If it's long enough that some serious feelings are starting to develop, you might want to bring up the subject sooner rather than later. Like Lobo said, both of you deserve to be protected from being hurt more than might be necessary (and hopefully not at all *g*).

I personally think telling someone is about revealing who we are and what our lives are about, at least as much as it is about being ready to have sex. If your level of non-sexual intimacy and closeness have progressed to the point of meeting family and friends, and seeing yourselves as a committed couple in the foreseeable future, then maybe it's time to talk about it, regardless of when you feel you want to progress to sexual intimacy.

On the other hand, if it's only been a few weeks or so since you started seeing each other, I wonder if maybe things are moving a bit too fast for you and you need to slow down and pace things a bit more. Meeting the family and friends are milestones in a relationship that usually happen once you have some time with and knowledge of each other. If that hasn't happened yet, then it sounds like you're just not ready to tell her or progress to that level of closeness just yet.

I don't think you need to feel responsible for her (possible) feelings to the point that you neglect your own needs or push things faster than is good for the healthy development of your relationship. I just think it's about striking a workable balance.

Anyway, I hope that helps. Keep us posted how you're doing with this.

TheOneInFour

Thanks for the replies...

Its been 3 weeks since we met, the first week was "wow, I can't believe I met this great girl". She is pretty much everything I was looking for. But the past week or so I've been having doubts. In the meantime, the first week I wasn't worrying about telling. But the past week or so I have been worrying constantly. I am always repeating in my mind how I will tell. Usually if I am dating someone and I am not interested, the thought of telling doesn't even occur to me because I know it won't get to the point of being sexual. But this time is different. I wonder if its because that telling is foremost in my mind at the moment that I feel I have doubts.

Anywho, as confused as I am, I am sure I will figure it out haha

Thanks again

I *really* understand the confusion about not knowing how to gauge your emotions. Been there, probably will be again. I still wonder if you might be moving a bit fast for your comfort level though, given that it's only been 3 weeks.

If I could offer some further thoughts... In my own experience, that kind of anxiety and doubt might be about myself OR about the other person. If I'm feeling a bit rushed into things (like disclosing the H), it might be because I fear losing them OR it might be because I feel they're pushing things too fast, or they're trying to pull me in a direction I'm not comfortable with, or *I'm* trying to push things too fast (afraid it's a flash in the pan and I want to grab what I can before it's gone).

I wonder about you meeting her family so soon, which is usually something people do once a relationship is more clearly established. It's a big step, since it's a bit of a declaration that you two are now "a couple" and now risk somebody's mother pestering with questions of when you're going to get married. LOL

You might give some thought about whether you two have your feet on the ground about the relationship in general, or if you're trying to ride a wave of elation. If this is "meant to be" it will "be" if you slow it down too, and in fact might increase your chances of it working in the long run if you do. It's just something to consider.

MovingForward made a really good point in Sophia's thread the other day about how it helps to have a plan about these things; a sense of timing that works for you and a strategy of how to approach it. You might think about giving yourself a specific amount of time (e.g., 4-6 weeks) or number of dates (e.g., 5-10) before you will tell her. That can help to pace what happens a bit. If you feel things are moving a bit fast before that time, you could talk to her about needing to take things a bit slower. You don't have to say why specifically, just that you want this to work and you don't want to hit burnout.

I don't think you should feel compelled to rush into anything about this. Believe me, I completely understand the anxiety of "If I tell, will the person reject me? Maybe I should do it now and get it over with." I have found for myself that if I can slow things down (in myself as much as with the other person) and allow a natural development to happen of getting to know each other, it really helps all round. It not only increases my chances of the person not running away when I tell them, it also helps to slow down my own reactions so that I'm more balanced and grounded when I do tell them. I'm also in a better position emotionally to deal with a rejection if that happens. OTOH if you find you just can't concentrate on enjoying her company because you're so worried about telling her, then you need to take your limitations about postponing into account too.

Anyway, all these are just suggestions and ideas and sharing what has helped me make that decision...all in far more words than are necessary (I'm not fully awake yet LOL). Good luck with this! Keep us posted how you make out with it and however you decide to handle it. And good luck with your lady! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif I really hope it works out for you.

TheOneInFour

Thanks for that post...it make sense.

Meeting her parents might not be avoidable. She lives with them at the moment whereas I live on my own. She is also going out of town for over a week in a few days. Telling her before then may not be a good idea either. I've already told her I take things slow and she is fine with that. Taking things one day at a time.

I'll definately post what happens...I am figuring the first week of Sept as my telling date.

It also turns out her best friend gets cold sores as I discovered this past weekend. Thats my ice breaker I think LOL And her friend is in a relationship, seems to be happy. So we'll see what happens.

Take care

Well, it's one thing to "meet the folks" to sit and chat for a few minutes before you two go out to trip the light fantastic, and something else again to have a full course sit-down meal and evening with them. The latter could be deferred to later when you feel more ready.

Some time away from each other might be a good idea for both of you to catch your breath! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/dizzy.gif Keep us posted how you're doing and how you make out when September rolls around. I think the cold sores sound like a great segue to bring up the topic.

TheOneInFour

TheOneInFour...

Thanks for your replies...they make alot of sense. Her parents weren't home last night so I lucked out this time haha but apparently they know ALOT about me as this girl is very happy to have met me.

I also have to tell her I have Crohn's, which by far is many times worse than H1, by about 10000x LOL. Oddly enough I am not worried about telling her that.

Yea, when she gets back from her trip is when I think I will tell. I will post updates here.

Thanks again 4.

Unless I'm mistaken, Crohn's can be really difficult in terms of its symptoms but it's not contagious, right? Although it may affect your relationship (when your symptoms hit), it's not something she could get herself. So it makes sense that it would be easier to talk to her about that, but I understand your caution too. We all have our "stuff" that we're afraid others might find too big an obstacle to get past. She will have hers too, although it may or may not be as obvious or clearly defined as a medical condition.

Nice to know she's *that* excited to know you. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif I really hope it works out for you.

TheOneInFour

1in4,

I have just found this site today and well you seemed to be rather in sightful. I dated the same person for nearly 2 years before they infected me. They were aware the entire time and didn't care to share the info with me. Months before they infected me they blurted out they had give me h in an heated argument. When things calmed down they took it back. 5 months later they actually did infect me. Apparently i had been lucky for nearly 2 years. After that we broke up and the person still claims to not have the infection. It really didn't bother me or get me down until a year later when I got in a serious relationship and had to tell. The person was really angry because I waited 3 months to tell them. They left and still won't even speak to me. I never had s*x with the person thinking I was doing the right thing. They said I was being deceitful and should have told before the relationship progressed.

OneInFour finally checking in after the Blackout!!! Wow, what an adventure it's been, and still is!

* * * *

Okay: NotSoBad. Welcome to the board! I'm sorry to hear your story about this. It must have been awfully painful to be rejected like that. It must have seemed like you were damned no matter what you did -- tell and be rejected, or don't tell and be rejected for not telling soon enough!

At one level, I don't think there's a clearly right or wrong way to tell. The bottom line IMO is that you don't put the person at risk for getting H before you tell them (and you didn't). What works best for some people doesn't work for others. That goes for both people with H who are doing the telling AND for the people without H who are being told. For most of us (with and without H), having "the talk" is a stressful prospect that is bound to push some emotional buttons.

Can I ask why you decided to wait for 3 months before having "the talk"? It is one of the longer waiting periods I've heard mentioned. The problem with waiting *that* long is that feelings will have built up quite substantially in 3 months. If the person is not able to accept the H then it's even more painful for both people than it would be if you discovered this before then.

My first intuition was to say that your recent partner simply had a problem with the H and couldn't get past it (and was using the timing as an excuse). BUT I also think there may have been an issue about them feeling that they knew everything about you (at least all the important stuff) and then were shocked when that turned out not to be true. That in itself can be jarring.

Certainly it's possible to "tell" too soon (before the person has a chance to get to know you a bit first), but I think it's also possible to "tell" too late (long after feelings have started to solidify based on what they believe they know about you). I've wondered about that sometimes (if it's possible to tell too late) and your story feels like an example of how that might happen...even with the best of intentions (not out of deceipt but out of trying to give the relationship a chance).

Having said that, I suspect there may be a bit of both elements happening in your partner -- shock that there was such a significant part of your life that you'd withheld, AND them having a problem with the H itself too, such that the shock was inflamed. They **might** have been able to get past the H if they didn't have the shock of the late disclosure to deal with on top of it...or they might not. At the same time, if the H would have been accepted under better timing, it's hard to believe they'd let the later timing get in the way of a relationship that would otherwise have worked for them. One would think they'd find the courage sooner or later to get over it, get past it and get on with it.

So I suspect even if you had told them earlier, they might still have rejected you for it. I might be wrong about that (e.g., it might not have been the H itself, if for instance withholding the information had struck a painful cord in them from their past for some reason) but that's what I suspect. Or maybe they had other doubts about the relationship and the H just provided a convenient "out." Anything is possible.

In the future, you might consider "telling" a bit sooner. IMO it's very valid and justified for us (people with H) to want to give things a chance and delay disclosing until our partner has had a chance to get to know us a bit. That's only fair to us.

However, I think it's also only fair to consider the other person's feelings too. They are taking a risk in trusting us (it's a risk in any relationship) and in trusting that we are who we say we are, and that what we have told them about ourselves is pretty much complete and nothing hugely significant has been omitted. It's one thing to lie directly ("No, I don't have H.") but it's another thing to lie by omission (not disclosing when it might be appropriate to do so, given the level of emotional intimacy the relationship has progressed to).

It's only fair to have the same caring, consideration and fairness about *their* risk in trusting us, as we would like them to have when considering our risk in disclosing to them something that might cause them to reject us. I think there needs to be a balance between our own needs and those of the other person. One should not take *total* precedence over the other, even when we try to place it within "safe" parameters (as you did).

I don't think you did it out of deceipt or deception, but I can understand the other person feeling upset that you had let it go on *quite* so long without telling them. Some things are just going to be a problem for some people, and increasing the amount of time before they know about that "problem" isn't necessarily going to increase their chance of accepting it. The fact that you got H yourself under less than transparent and honest circumstances (which you seem to have more or less accepted at the time) may have made it easier for you to withhold the truth for so long...even when there was no sexual contact (which was definitely to your credit).

I've rambled quite a bit here but I hope this helps give you some insights and ideas for a new perspective about this. It is only my "take" on what you've said, for whatever it's worth. In a nutshell, I think you might have erred a bit too much on the side of caution (albeit with good intentions) and it backfired on you.

If what I've said makes sense to you at all, I wonder if writing your partner a letter talking about this might at least open up a dialogue so you two can get some closure about this. It must be awfully hard (for both of you) to have the relationship end without some kind of closure, but only with shocked silence.

Anyway, I hope that helps.

TheOneInFour

Thanks onein4! That was a great posting and yes it does help some. My situation was pretty weird. I think you hit the nail on the head. The person had known me for a long time before we began a relationship and couldn't believe i had herpes. He also had expressed an interest in me before I hooked up with the jerk that gave it to me..so he actually was pissed about that as well.

There is no excuse for waiting 3 months...it was just hard to tell...especially after my partner proposed about 4 weeks after we started dating. One minute I was debating how to tell the next minute I was planning a wedding. Initially when I told him he said he would deal with it but 2 weeks later he ended the engagement abruptly.

Up until the moment of truth when I told he had been extremely excited about our marriage but he later said the women he was getting was not the on he thought he had chosen..that really hurt me cause I am still the same person.

Since the breakup...I can tell he is in major pain as well as myself so yes I wish I had told him the night he proposed...i really think he would have still rejected me eventually. He is a wonderful person so I hate that this happened and I can't blame him for not wanting to be at risk. I had to ask myself look at the distress I am dealing with having the disease...I don't think I would have willingly put myself at risk and I am one of the few people that doesn't experience any symptoms. It is the thought of transmitting to someone else that gets me down.