kyndrad77
06-05-2008, 01:54 PM
I was wondering if anyone who suffers from ROCD could tell me what usually initiates a spike. My BF (has ocd - relationships is where it's most noticed) and I have been doing wonderfully, but the past week we've had some arguments. I live in Utah and he lives in California, so when we see each other it's for brief periods of time.
He broke up with me (again) last night, telling me that he doesn't have love feelings for me, and that he's sure he doesn't want to be with me, I'm not the one, stuff I have heard a lot in the past. This is following a week spent with him that, despite a moment or two of disagreements and complications, was VERY tender, very loving.
The explanation is that he should do what's right and break up with me because he hasn't gotten to the feelings of loving me or wanting to be with me - which comes as a shocking surprise as I can't tell you how many times in the past week or so he has told me how very much he loved me, and how well things were going, and how good it was. Actions? He was so sweet. I can't believe what I am hearing right now.
The break up idea came toward the end of a heated conversation, in which we had difficulty communicating (which most of the time we communicate wonderfully). He told me that for the past two days he's been thinking that he didn't love me enough, and that he didn't think it was fair to make me wait for something (his love in return) that wasn't going to happen. This came after a fight.
The last time he did this, it came after a rough patch, too. Things go great, a few speed bumps, and now he doesn't love me, never did, and apparently can't remember how good things felt just a few days ago. He says it's actually those times that cause him to believe that I;m not the one, because the emotions he's looking for aren't there NOW as he's looking back - but I'll tell you that I felt his love, and can't understand how he could forget...
Thanks for the help. He isn't getting help right now, we only discovered the OCD stuff 6 months ago, but when it happened then, things got better and it wasn't really persued (and he moved so he didn't have someone to follow up with).
I am scared. I don't know if he's really going to do it again (he broke up with me 4 years ago, and we just got back together a couple of months ago). I love him so much and I am praying that he "wakes up", and that this nightmare can be over. I am also scared that if he doesn't get help, and we do make it, he'll keep doing this.
OH! Question... Everytime he ends things with me, he gets cold, like no emotions, and shuts down to me like I am no one special, and is very "matter of fact" about the whole thing. I am bewildered that he could be so detached from all emotion when he does this, and have realized that this is also part of his pattern. It's like someone took away my baby and replaced him with this stone person who has no love for me, no empathy for what he is doing to me or us, and doesn't flinch at this huge thing he is doing. Is that common?
Thank you for listening.
He broke up with me (again) last night, telling me that he doesn't have love feelings for me, and that he's sure he doesn't want to be with me, I'm not the one, stuff I have heard a lot in the past. This is following a week spent with him that, despite a moment or two of disagreements and complications, was VERY tender, very loving.
The explanation is that he should do what's right and break up with me because he hasn't gotten to the feelings of loving me or wanting to be with me - which comes as a shocking surprise as I can't tell you how many times in the past week or so he has told me how very much he loved me, and how well things were going, and how good it was. Actions? He was so sweet. I can't believe what I am hearing right now.
The break up idea came toward the end of a heated conversation, in which we had difficulty communicating (which most of the time we communicate wonderfully). He told me that for the past two days he's been thinking that he didn't love me enough, and that he didn't think it was fair to make me wait for something (his love in return) that wasn't going to happen. This came after a fight.
The last time he did this, it came after a rough patch, too. Things go great, a few speed bumps, and now he doesn't love me, never did, and apparently can't remember how good things felt just a few days ago. He says it's actually those times that cause him to believe that I;m not the one, because the emotions he's looking for aren't there NOW as he's looking back - but I'll tell you that I felt his love, and can't understand how he could forget...
Thanks for the help. He isn't getting help right now, we only discovered the OCD stuff 6 months ago, but when it happened then, things got better and it wasn't really persued (and he moved so he didn't have someone to follow up with).
I am scared. I don't know if he's really going to do it again (he broke up with me 4 years ago, and we just got back together a couple of months ago). I love him so much and I am praying that he "wakes up", and that this nightmare can be over. I am also scared that if he doesn't get help, and we do make it, he'll keep doing this.
OH! Question... Everytime he ends things with me, he gets cold, like no emotions, and shuts down to me like I am no one special, and is very "matter of fact" about the whole thing. I am bewildered that he could be so detached from all emotion when he does this, and have realized that this is also part of his pattern. It's like someone took away my baby and replaced him with this stone person who has no love for me, no empathy for what he is doing to me or us, and doesn't flinch at this huge thing he is doing. Is that common?
Thank you for listening.
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dioxide12
06-23-2008, 12:12 AM
I was wondering if anyone had any advice on this because I feel like I'm in a similar situation, except that I'm the boyfriend with OCD. I can't tell how I feel sometimes and it can be very confusing. I can't tell if I'm obsessing about things in the relationship, or if it is a valid thought or feeling that I'm having, and something I should take action on.
rockstarchar
07-07-2008, 12:54 PM
I'm so sorry for your pain. I actually had a very rough weekend with my husband and my ROCD. I finally confessed to my feelings (or lack thereof). I was also very matter-of-fact about it and felt very anxious to end things. However, we talked it though, I felt love for him, and now we're trying to get back to where we were. I think part of my problem is my high dose of anti-depressants to treat my OCD. I wonder if they numb me to emotions. My husband is the sweetest, kindest man in the world, and no one loves me more. It's very hard for him, but we'll make it. Hang in there! I look forward to others' replies. I'm also wondering if there are any good books out there on ROCD.
Char
Char
dioxide12
07-07-2008, 10:58 PM
After months of going back and forth on it, I finally decided to break up with my girlfriend. I just don't have the same feelings for her that I used to, ROCD or not. I think that I've learned that if you aren't sure what to do, just be patient. Give it time, and eventually you'll know for sure how you feel. Just be careful when it first starts, you may not want to say anything until you're sure how you feel. That's how it was for me at least, I openly discuss my OCD with my now ex, and I told her that I wasn't sure if I wanted to be with her anymore or if it was just my OCD. That didn't go over very well, so my advice is to wait it out, and try and be as sure as you can about your feelings even if that is easier said than done.
Then again, I could be making a big mistake.
Only time will tell.
Anyone going through ROCD, I feel your pain.
Then again, I could be making a big mistake.
Only time will tell.
Anyone going through ROCD, I feel your pain.
Post-It
07-08-2008, 12:00 PM
People with relationship obsessions tend to have a "revolving door" type of relationship because they can never figure out how they really feel. One day they "feel love," the next day, they can't find those feelings of love (or attraction, or chemistry, or whatever) and the obsessive cycle flares up again. So they break up because the loving feelings aren't there, but when they break up, they realize they do love the person. It's a never-ending cycle.
Therapy is the best treatment for OCD, especially exposure therapy. I developed ROCD when I got engaged to my now husband, and am soooo glad I didn't let OCD get in the way of marrying him. but it took a lot of hard work and intense therapy to get my OCD manageable to the point where it became insignificant.
Therapy is the best treatment for OCD, especially exposure therapy. I developed ROCD when I got engaged to my now husband, and am soooo glad I didn't let OCD get in the way of marrying him. but it took a lot of hard work and intense therapy to get my OCD manageable to the point where it became insignificant.
Emmy66
07-08-2008, 02:56 PM
what is rocd? sorry i dont know? x
rockstarchar
07-08-2008, 03:25 PM
what is rocd? sorry i dont know? x
It's an acronym for Relationship OCD...In other words, obsessing about whether or not you really love the person you're with, whether you should be with them, feeling like a blank slate when it comes to them, wondering if someone else would be better for you, wondering if you should've left your ex...
On and on and on...
Hope that helps. :)
Char
It's an acronym for Relationship OCD...In other words, obsessing about whether or not you really love the person you're with, whether you should be with them, feeling like a blank slate when it comes to them, wondering if someone else would be better for you, wondering if you should've left your ex...
On and on and on...
Hope that helps. :)
Char
azartoc
07-28-2008, 12:32 PM
ROCD. I have read many posts about it, many people have been very sad all their lifes because they have let emotions manage their lives. Thats the tricky game, we give emotions so much importance so we are doomed because of this. Real Love is beyond the emotions.
OCD makes whatever it wants, you can have as many obsessions about your relationship just to tell you that something is bad, do i love? does she/ he love me? are we ok? Is my life boring? and a big etc.
In my case, one day i feel everything is perfect next i feel everything is worse. In OCD days you forget good things, just ocd!
OCD makes whatever it wants, you can have as many obsessions about your relationship just to tell you that something is bad, do i love? does she/ he love me? are we ok? Is my life boring? and a big etc.
In my case, one day i feel everything is perfect next i feel everything is worse. In OCD days you forget good things, just ocd!
kyndrad77
07-31-2008, 10:02 PM
Things are better, he accepted the possibility that it could be his OCD. It's been tough since I posted this. Being together has been weird, I've been uncomfortable with not knowing what's next. Honestly, it's hard now, after almost 5 years, to keep putting hurts behind me. I realize and practice acceptance of the fact that this is part of who he is, and if I love him, I love ALL of him... But this time I was really hurt, to the point that it killed my self esteem. Someone in a relationship with an ROCD person has to have thick skin, and be self-reliant when it comes to confidence. I have heard everything from I am not attractive, to social flaws, and anything else that hits like a slap in the face. It's hard for me to realize that this is just his OCD, and not his true feelings about me. It hurts when someone you love lays out all of the things wrong with you, even if they aren't real, as intense, or even if they are somewhat true, no one needs to hear that, especially from someone they love.
I am trudging along, hoping things will get back to where they were before this happened. Seems like it is, but I now have an involuntary wariness of when it will start again.
I have learned that I am capable of love a great deal, in the face of what some see as abuse, but I know it's not "abuse". He isn't intentionally hurting me, sometimes it's hard to keep that in mind at all times. I have feelings.
"They" say: Love is a journey, not a destination...
I look forward to the next time I get to feel the "realness" when he tells me he loves me... and have a tape recorder so I can play it back for him when he "forgets". :-/
Why did "god" have to go and do something like this to such a beautiful man?
Sorry, just kind of "on one" today.
Thanks for all of your responses. Very helpful.
I am trudging along, hoping things will get back to where they were before this happened. Seems like it is, but I now have an involuntary wariness of when it will start again.
I have learned that I am capable of love a great deal, in the face of what some see as abuse, but I know it's not "abuse". He isn't intentionally hurting me, sometimes it's hard to keep that in mind at all times. I have feelings.
"They" say: Love is a journey, not a destination...
I look forward to the next time I get to feel the "realness" when he tells me he loves me... and have a tape recorder so I can play it back for him when he "forgets". :-/
Why did "god" have to go and do something like this to such a beautiful man?
Sorry, just kind of "on one" today.
Thanks for all of your responses. Very helpful.
Muniapl
08-22-2008, 01:47 PM
Someone please read my post on OCD that I posted on 8/20. I am newly realizing my OCD and have seen a therapist twice and I think I have some o the symphtoms here. the constant revolving door cycle and breaking up and constant confessions about "improper thoughts" about any1 other than my bf. Please my relationship is suffering and we have trust issues due to my constant confessions.