I am 50 years old and my father died when I was 38. He died alone and we did not find his body for 3 days and that upset me more than his passing. When I was a child I prayed to God that my father would go away but he never did. I feel guilty at times because I don't even think about him, unlike my sister who has him on a pedestal. When I see his urn at my sister's house I don't even want to be in the same room with it because I think of it as something evil then I feel bad about thinking bad things about someone who has passed on. I am so torn about how I feel. Has anyone else gone through this? How do you deal with the guilt/anger? :(

I pretty much understand what you are saying. I'm kind of the same way. My father has been dead for 18 years and honestly, I've never missed him the way I do my mom or others (especially my husband). My dad was a mean drunk most of his life and didn't quit drinking until he was in his 70s, so I never had any kind of a relationship with him as a child, a teenager or an early adult. I was living 3,000 miles away when he died and left again as soon as the funeral was over and never gave him much thought after that. I've been back "home" again for a long time now and when I go to the cemetary to visit, I always say I'm going to visit "mom", I usually don't even think much about him being there beside her. I know that might sound terrible, but I really don't feel much guilt about it. He was a horrible father but a very good grandfather, so I guess I can give him that much. I can't find it in me to feel guilty about someone who pretty much ignored me most of my life. I'm sorry you feel the guilt you feel, but I don't know how to help you with it either. Except to maybe say, it's not your fault, you can't help the way you feel?

WOW.....I can sympathize with your pain as my story is similar _ My father abandoned our family when I was only 3, my sister 2 and my brother 1-after many years of dealing with self worth, abandonment and trust issues, I moved on to a happy chapter in my life, married an amazing man, I am happy and I consider myself to be a survivor---After 20 plus years of no contact with this man who I absolutely despise, he creeps back into my mother's life and they sadly "have reconciled"...This has wreaked my mother and I relationship and I have cut all ties with her -she now justifies his manipulative behavior and (I need to protect my sanity and the self-love I still have for myself)-Last week, he had a heart attack and while in the hospital waiting to be operated on my mother asked me to speak with him ---I told her that when he is ready to face up to what he did, like a real man and apologize for what he did, I have nothing to say to him-however, I do want closure with this man and move on, enjoy my life like I was meant to do on this earth, I have ZERO feelings for this man and I can't miss something I never had-The only thing that saddens me is that I will never, ever have a father- I am considering having a last conversation with him but wouldn't know where to start-Its a tough time
May we all find the peace, clarity and happiness that we deserve