I have recently been diagnosed with herpes..so this is all new to me..Im in a new relationship and it is a long distance one..Things are going very well for us..However im freaking out about telling him..i dont want to lose him...i want to give it more time so that we can get to know each other more..im just not sure how much more time i should give it..i dont want him feeling that he spent alot of time in this relationship only to be kept this info from him..im not really sure how to tell him either..so that i dont scare him to bad..hes very health conscious and has mentioned that he doesnt and has never slept around so that he doesnt get any diseases..

This is a tough call. I was diagnosed last year after contracting the infection from a long-term boyfriend that withheld the information from me. I got into a new relationship with someone that had known me for a long time. It was very hard to tell the person cause I didn't want them to look at me different. I waited 3 months to disclose the information. We broke up 2 weeks later. My advice to you is if you wait any longer the person may be furious. My boyfriend complained about me not being honest intially
and witholding information until the relationship had progressed.

I know it seems wise to wait but the bottom line is if the person is going to be bothered by herpes they will be bothered in 6 months just like in 2 weeks. If they won't be bothered then they won't be. If you wait any longer then your partner may think you are being dishonest. I know its hard to tell someone that you really like that being with you may cause them health concerns that they would normally avoid. Sit him down be open with him and tell him the situation but also give a resolution for it like how to prevent transmission. I never became intimate with my boyfriend if I had we probably wouldn't be able to ever speak again because I am sure he would be angry.

Its hard to say how he will respond. Information that I have read states most people respond in a positive manner with a few exceptions. I really don't believe this and I think it is posted just to get people to feel good about telling although I doubt if there are more positive responses then negative ones. I mean ask yourself...if it were the other way around and he was the one telling you how would you respond. Too bad everyone doesn't have a conscious like most of us that are infected...my ex boyfriend goes around in denial as if he doesn't have the disease..that's unfair and cruel...just don't be one of those people..and don't wait until you get to involved and then you can't tell.

Good luck!!

I was diagnosed with both HSV1 & HSV2 almost 2 months ago. I had no idea I had Herpes cuz I have had no symptoms whatsoever. I wanted to be tested for every STD for my "peace of mind." I have had unprotected sex this year with several partners. When I got my results, I called my previous partners and told them and not a single one got mad and each one still wants to see me again. (Which is totally amazing to me)I met a man online a few weeks ago and he has expressed an interest in meeting me in the near future. I told him last night of my Herpes diagnose and he is ok with it. He still wants to meet & date me.I am not a young person like most of the people in this group. I believe anyone with knowledge of their Herpes should tell their partner right away if they comtemplate being intimate. Believe me, from now on I Will use safe sex. I don't want anyone to get this disease from me.

How did u go about telling the person u just met? i want to make sure i word it well and not appear to sound negative and get upset and cry..the more i talk to him the more i feel that he will still be ok with being with me..he said he can feel that im holding back and that i have something i need to say...he said that my first instinct is normally correct..and my first instint when i thought about telling him was that he will be ok with it...i think i will tell him tonite...i have to get this taken care of

I do not have GH, but the girl I'm dating does. She told me the second night that we were dating. I would say that it was probably to her advantage to do so. At first I thought it was over. I wasn't going to be interested because I've been pretty careful about not getting STD's in my life so I didn't want to purposely sleep with someone who had one. Honestly I figured I had not invested enough into the relationship to hang around.

Well I did some research and stuck around and now me and my girl are doing well. If she had held this from me until we got to an intimate level, I probably would have been mad and felt betrayed. I think you need to do it now.

Something I found interesting (and actually disturbing) is that she told me whenever she used to tell guys they never had a problem with it and even had unprotected sex with her. So I guess some guys are less scared than you might think.

Wait a minute stop the press...your girlfriend has HSV and she would still have unprotected sex with guys just cause they wanted too...Hello People there is some really bad #%*T out there that you can contract. Had I been informed about h I would have NEVER had unprotected sex with anyone.

Since I contracted the virus and have been doing research and learning about all the other stuff out there that you can catch I will NEVER have unprotected sex unless I am married and that is for my own protection not theirs! The person that infected me thinks that because they have h that's a get out of jail free card for unprotected sex...I think that he figures what's the worse that can happen he already has h...i hope most people on this board dont' feel that way.

By the way Dreamer...I think you should tell today....you seem like a quality person just from your postings....I am sure he will be fine with it. Please let us know how it goes...Details :-)

Also, if he is as health conscious as you stated...give him some time to research h or provide the info to him..and let him digest it...even if he is frightened initially..and he may not be...he will probably get past it.

[This message has been edited by notsobad (edited 08-20-2003).]

Hey, Dreamer, please let us know what happened. My theory on handling this is a little different. *Before you read this, understand that I am not judgmental--I grew up in the free love/ who needs condoms era when we thought all VD (as we called it then) was curable by antibiotics, and I took full advantage of it; although now I am with my soulmate, one partner only for 11 years. Also, I am far from having religious taboos.* First, I don't assume that I'm going past friendship with a man just because we enjoy each other's company. All good relationships start with the idea that knowing this person is a privilege in itself, that the time you spend together is valuable and fun in itself, not merely that the only end result is sex. Whether or not you end up having sex is a decision you make later on, together, and nobody's time has been wasted if you remain platonic. Second, you are not required to tell every private detail of your heart or body to every person of the opposite sex who begins a friendship with you. This is a personal matter. Only those very close to you need know it, unless you feel completely comfortable talking about it, and want to talk about it. Of course, if you have oral herpes, then you need to talk before you kiss, and if you have genital herpes then you should talk before you have sex. But you don't need to tell someone on the first date--or at any particular time!--unless you want to (or unless you plan to move fast!) And if he is not sympathetic and cares more for his safe womb of a life (in which someday he will probably have sex with someone who doesn't know she has it or doesn't want to tell him) than for the special person, you, that he has come to know, and if he believes that you are easily replaceable with some other female body, well, tell you what--those qualities would come out later in your relationship with him in other ways, and would end up hurting you and destroying your relationship in the long run.

Just some thoughts to consider. Of course, if you feel like it, tell him right away. The same principle applies. If he has a bad reaction, just be glad you found out sooner rather than later--no matter how great he seems at this moment, he would probably end up making you one miserable woman. Bad relationships are the worst thing in life, Sartre's "hell is other people" in the extreme.

As for the timing, it's not so important as the connection you develop. If you have a true loving connection, it'll continue somehow, maybe platonically, maybe platonically for a while, who knows? If he doesn't even care to continue as your friend, he's not worth your time.

I myself have only once, a long time ago, experienced someone refusing to have sex with me because of the herpes (he did want to be good friends), and though it hurt me at the time, I have since been overjoyed that I got out of that potentially destructive mess so easily. On the other hand, my soulmate/partner never cared too much about herpes, and neither have quite a few (too many) men who tried to get me away from him and were not deterred by the news (only by a stern refusal, in the end). Just depends on the guy, and on his view of life and friendship, and on your view of yourself. Sorry if I sound preachy. It just seems like everybody is dying for a relationship, any relationship, instead of building up one's own love of life, instead of growing in a way that encourages one's independence and self-confidence. People end up with misery and heartache, are just as lonely or more than before, and have also had their self-esteem torn apart. Only a truly great relationship is worth the time and trouble, only the best of partners. It would behoove people to be pickier about when and whom they date. OK, sorry ,enough. I was there once, but I didn't like myself then and had to learn these lessons the tough way, through failed romances and a failed marriage. And the herpes had so little to do with any of it. It's a very small part of you.

[This message has been edited by backpacker (edited 08-24-2003).]