captnanny
06-06-2008, 08:31 AM
Hello all,
I've been a lurker on this board for some time now. I suffer from Chronic PTSD. I also am in the process of withdrawing/tapering off of vicodan. I'm at my lowest dose in ten years. One of the problems I am having is that I feel like noone understands me. My brain is trying to heal from the lack of narcotics which is one big thing, and as I withdraw issues that I had been using to cover up are coming to the surface. It's like all the symptoms are back, startle reflex, overwhelmed 24/7, frustrated and feel like I am being attacked. Not attacked by anyone in particular, just everything noise, people in a store, cars, homework teachers etc. It is very difficult. I am now entering the last week of my school term. There is a tremendous amount of homework that needs to be done this weekend and I flip out whenever something gets me stuck. This could be anything, the phone ringing or whatever. My mom is mad at me because she says I'm worse than I ever was. She has no clue what this is like. The other trigger is one of my finals is to do a research project that is to be visual. This is something that was in my past which caused a lot of abuse. So I feel blindfolded and immobile to even think of this. I know it's not the past. I don't think I have ever created a poster board, visual thing since I was five and it got torn up and I got sent up with my dad (sexual abuse).
Sorry this is so long, I just feel like I needed to vent and hoping to get some feedback on this. Oh by the way the topic has to be on a special education issue. Go Figure!
I've been a lurker on this board for some time now. I suffer from Chronic PTSD. I also am in the process of withdrawing/tapering off of vicodan. I'm at my lowest dose in ten years. One of the problems I am having is that I feel like noone understands me. My brain is trying to heal from the lack of narcotics which is one big thing, and as I withdraw issues that I had been using to cover up are coming to the surface. It's like all the symptoms are back, startle reflex, overwhelmed 24/7, frustrated and feel like I am being attacked. Not attacked by anyone in particular, just everything noise, people in a store, cars, homework teachers etc. It is very difficult. I am now entering the last week of my school term. There is a tremendous amount of homework that needs to be done this weekend and I flip out whenever something gets me stuck. This could be anything, the phone ringing or whatever. My mom is mad at me because she says I'm worse than I ever was. She has no clue what this is like. The other trigger is one of my finals is to do a research project that is to be visual. This is something that was in my past which caused a lot of abuse. So I feel blindfolded and immobile to even think of this. I know it's not the past. I don't think I have ever created a poster board, visual thing since I was five and it got torn up and I got sent up with my dad (sexual abuse).
Sorry this is so long, I just feel like I needed to vent and hoping to get some feedback on this. Oh by the way the topic has to be on a special education issue. Go Figure!
Sponsor
katlin09
06-06-2008, 07:52 PM
Capt.
Sorry you're having such a hard time. We have a lot in common, although I'm older and through with school days, our past trauma's seem to be pretty close. Does you mother know anything about your past abuse? If not, do you have any support person in place, a therapist, or psychiatrist perhaps? That would be my first recomendation...it took me until I was 38 yrs old before I ever told anyone my childhood "secret" and it's hard but working on it, seems to be helping a little at a time, each day, sometimes hour by hour, or day by day. There are coping mechanisms that you can learn to help you keep yourself in the "here and now" and not in the past.
I hope things get better for you, I know it's hard, but you can beat this.
Sorry you're having such a hard time. We have a lot in common, although I'm older and through with school days, our past trauma's seem to be pretty close. Does you mother know anything about your past abuse? If not, do you have any support person in place, a therapist, or psychiatrist perhaps? That would be my first recomendation...it took me until I was 38 yrs old before I ever told anyone my childhood "secret" and it's hard but working on it, seems to be helping a little at a time, each day, sometimes hour by hour, or day by day. There are coping mechanisms that you can learn to help you keep yourself in the "here and now" and not in the past.
I hope things get better for you, I know it's hard, but you can beat this.
captnanny
06-07-2008, 12:47 AM
Thanks for your replies. I do have a therapist and a psychiatrist. They are very helpful in regards to what I am going through right now. As for my mom, she knows about the abuse but refuses to accept some responsiblity for the neglect and emotional stuff she did herself. I don't think she can see it right now. She is a very self-rigtheous person and went through a lot also as the whole family did with my dad. It is very frustrating when she thinks she did everything she could for me. I just wish she'd own up to not being emtionally available when I needed her and that she expected me as a little girl to take care of her.
Right now, school seems to be a major problem. I have an assignment to do on childhood disorders and the parent's reactions. It hits home, parents refuse a lot and then eventually come to terms with their child possibly needing interventions, ie; special ed. My parents refused any kind of help possible.
I feel like I'm having constant panick attacks over this assignment and wish I could beg the teacher to let me do something else.
Right now, school seems to be a major problem. I have an assignment to do on childhood disorders and the parent's reactions. It hits home, parents refuse a lot and then eventually come to terms with their child possibly needing interventions, ie; special ed. My parents refused any kind of help possible.
I feel like I'm having constant panick attacks over this assignment and wish I could beg the teacher to let me do something else.
zelda77
06-07-2008, 10:51 AM
How are you doing? Do you still remember me?
captnanny
06-10-2008, 05:51 AM
Hi
Zelda yes I remember you. I'm ok, having problems with this whole thinking area. Right now it feels like I'm living in a constant state of Fear. It's like I'm afraid to show my work for school, let alone get it done and my mom has torn into me like she used to. She told me my problems should be over and let me know how much she had been through at my age. Yes it's true she went through a lot. She went through it with blind folders on always thinking and acting like everyone and everything is ok. The thing that angers me the most is that it was not ok,and when the neighbors saw and tried to take care of us, she told me that they didn't really care, she's the only one who can care like that because she's my mother. Why? What makes her ownership of being my mom? I just am still also withdrawing, the slowest process we can go because of the issues popping up while my brain clears. I am really not happy with my ptsd right now. Having a hard time thinking.
Zelda yes I remember you. I'm ok, having problems with this whole thinking area. Right now it feels like I'm living in a constant state of Fear. It's like I'm afraid to show my work for school, let alone get it done and my mom has torn into me like she used to. She told me my problems should be over and let me know how much she had been through at my age. Yes it's true she went through a lot. She went through it with blind folders on always thinking and acting like everyone and everything is ok. The thing that angers me the most is that it was not ok,and when the neighbors saw and tried to take care of us, she told me that they didn't really care, she's the only one who can care like that because she's my mother. Why? What makes her ownership of being my mom? I just am still also withdrawing, the slowest process we can go because of the issues popping up while my brain clears. I am really not happy with my ptsd right now. Having a hard time thinking.
specialk12378
06-11-2008, 01:01 AM
Hi captnanny,
I know first hand that PTSD is no fun. I've had it for about 2 years now and am still trying to work things out. I know all about the jumpiness and being easily startled or angered by just about any little thing. I don't have much for concentration either. My mind always seems like it has to know everythign that's going on around me - which doesnt help with thinking and concentrating.
People who don't have PTSD have a hard time dealing with those who do. There really is no way for one to completely understand until they have "walked in thise shoes" - which I pray that they never do get to experience it. I wouldn't wish this in anyone - it's no fun! But you are not alone. I know how you feel. I too have a hard time believing that noone else understands me, but from just reading some of these posts, there are! My therapist suggested me find something like this board. It is definately good for me to be here. I know its helping - but I still got a long way to go.
Hope the homework and projects go good for you.
I know first hand that PTSD is no fun. I've had it for about 2 years now and am still trying to work things out. I know all about the jumpiness and being easily startled or angered by just about any little thing. I don't have much for concentration either. My mind always seems like it has to know everythign that's going on around me - which doesnt help with thinking and concentrating.
People who don't have PTSD have a hard time dealing with those who do. There really is no way for one to completely understand until they have "walked in thise shoes" - which I pray that they never do get to experience it. I wouldn't wish this in anyone - it's no fun! But you are not alone. I know how you feel. I too have a hard time believing that noone else understands me, but from just reading some of these posts, there are! My therapist suggested me find something like this board. It is definately good for me to be here. I know its helping - but I still got a long way to go.
Hope the homework and projects go good for you.
captnanny
06-11-2008, 02:37 AM
Thanks Specialk,
I am done with the visual project for special education class. I felt like a retard, no pun intended, doing it. Right now I can't sleep because I'm so scared of bringing it in tomorrow/wednesday morning. I think it looks like a five year old put it together and can't seem to shake a feeling that I missed the boat on this one. My therapist said it may be because I am scared that I should have received help socially/emotionally as a child but no one was allowed to approach my parents and God knows I couldn't say anything. I hope they don't laugh at me. That's my biggest fear.
I am done with the visual project for special education class. I felt like a retard, no pun intended, doing it. Right now I can't sleep because I'm so scared of bringing it in tomorrow/wednesday morning. I think it looks like a five year old put it together and can't seem to shake a feeling that I missed the boat on this one. My therapist said it may be because I am scared that I should have received help socially/emotionally as a child but no one was allowed to approach my parents and God knows I couldn't say anything. I hope they don't laugh at me. That's my biggest fear.
specialk12378
06-11-2008, 08:53 AM
I don't think they will laugh at you. I think you'll do just fine. I'm glad that you can at least focus enough to accomplish a project. I have a very hard time getting motivated ehough to so seemingly meaningless and obvious household chores like laundry and dishes. If I do end up getting started, I better not stop or I'll br right back to where I was trying to get started again. I used to be a neat-freak at home and work - but not as much anymore.
Good luck on your project...
K
Good luck on your project...
K
captnanny
06-15-2008, 06:38 AM
Hi'
I finally finished the work I needed to complete for this quarter. What a nightmare it has been. I got a C on the visual project, I was so scared that I couldn't concentrate. I have never liked anyone to see my drawings or have I been creative. I remember when my teachers in grade school would ask us to draw anything we wanted, I refused, Maybe it was a school counselor, can't remember.
Well now I can focus on my emotional health for a while. I can't take feeling like I have something in my brain that causes it to stop thinking and go into a total flight state.
anyone relate?
I finally finished the work I needed to complete for this quarter. What a nightmare it has been. I got a C on the visual project, I was so scared that I couldn't concentrate. I have never liked anyone to see my drawings or have I been creative. I remember when my teachers in grade school would ask us to draw anything we wanted, I refused, Maybe it was a school counselor, can't remember.
Well now I can focus on my emotional health for a while. I can't take feeling like I have something in my brain that causes it to stop thinking and go into a total flight state.
anyone relate?
specialk12378
06-15-2008, 08:17 AM
I'm happy for you that a huge amount of stress has ended for you. Sorry to hear about the "C", but I'm glad that you are going to start focusing on yourself.
I've just recently had a huge burden of stress lifted myself - now I don't have to worry how I'm going to make the mortgage and bills. I'm also taking time to focus on me individually and now everything in general.
I hate that my mind now has me in constant "flight" mode. I used to be a police officer. I had no problem responding to and dealing with high-stress incidents like domestic disturbances, car crashes, robbery calls, etc. After my big incident (which happened 2 years ago on Father's Day) I would pray that nothing happened during my tour of duty. I had panic attacks just by being in the cruiser. Any kind of call other than a simple report call would cause a panic attack and I felt like avoiding responding to the call at all.
Since I have quit, most of the panic attacks have subsided but I am still stuck with the "flight" mode. I can't stand hearing a noise outside my house, being in at least a small crowd, or a whole mess of other things. My mind has changed to make me avoid any kind of confrontation. I don't like it at all and wigh I could go back to being the person I was before but I have come to terms that that will never happen.
I'm working with mt doctors to learn how to cope with my new personality and issues. I'm learning how to recognize my triggers, and my reactions to triggers. I still have a lot of work ahead but at least now I know what I have and how to try to cope with it.
I understand completely about what its like to have this and I too don't like it - but I can now work on the issue.
Special K
I've just recently had a huge burden of stress lifted myself - now I don't have to worry how I'm going to make the mortgage and bills. I'm also taking time to focus on me individually and now everything in general.
I hate that my mind now has me in constant "flight" mode. I used to be a police officer. I had no problem responding to and dealing with high-stress incidents like domestic disturbances, car crashes, robbery calls, etc. After my big incident (which happened 2 years ago on Father's Day) I would pray that nothing happened during my tour of duty. I had panic attacks just by being in the cruiser. Any kind of call other than a simple report call would cause a panic attack and I felt like avoiding responding to the call at all.
Since I have quit, most of the panic attacks have subsided but I am still stuck with the "flight" mode. I can't stand hearing a noise outside my house, being in at least a small crowd, or a whole mess of other things. My mind has changed to make me avoid any kind of confrontation. I don't like it at all and wigh I could go back to being the person I was before but I have come to terms that that will never happen.
I'm working with mt doctors to learn how to cope with my new personality and issues. I'm learning how to recognize my triggers, and my reactions to triggers. I still have a lot of work ahead but at least now I know what I have and how to try to cope with it.
I understand completely about what its like to have this and I too don't like it - but I can now work on the issue.
Special K