In my case I think the worst part of being diagnosed with herpes just a few weeks ago is that it not only made me realize that I have an incurable sexually transmitted disease but that as a result the relationship I was beginning with much enthusiasm and that meant more to me than any relationship I've had in the past decade, not counting my previous marriage - went kaputz!
To all those couples and especially the newlywed ones who have each other's support... value that for it is so bad to feel rejected for something physical when everything else, spiritually, emotionally, intellectually... etc...etc was so in sync.
My partner (or ex at this point maybe) is one of the most decent men I've ever met. Unfortunately I didn't know I carried this thing around with me and as a result of sleeping together for the first time after a few months of developing the most wonderful relationship, he got a reaction and that was when the pressure began. It's so sad to think that just a few days before this story of our lives began, we were expressing how happy we were with each other and how perfect it was being together.
Anyway, I accept herpes... I just have a hard time accepting whatever negative love situations I may be in as a result of it.
I think the emotional part is the worst for me... to feel lonely in this situation. I feel bad enough thinking I may have passed it on to him but to have lost him too may change my aspect on love forever.
Please people... those who are together still, make sure you provide each other with support and understand that it doesn't make your love any different. Of course it may inconvenience you a little or a lot depending on the severity or frequency of your symptoms but hopefully we won't see this as a death sentence and instead find ways to be more romantic with each other... to be more compassionate with most of the rest of society which will inevitably suffer from an std at some point of their lives.
thank you for allowing me to vent

Freakedout...refresh my memory about your situation. You were dating a great guy and you discovered you had herpes and you told him or you gave it to him and that's how you both found out? I have had to deal with this situation myself and would like to share my insight. I was involved with a wonderful person whom I was about to marry. I let the cat out the bag and let's say things went downhill from there.

At first I felt really rejected...but then I realized was he truly the person for me??? You have to ask yourself...if herpes can run this guy off...was he really for you. There are several guys on this board who are dating women and are married to women with herpes...and they profess how much they love the woman and it really doesn't matter. Isn't that the type of love you want..I know I do. I think the men that run are the ones that place *self* first and everyone else is second. I feel the reaction to the herpes is "Why should I put myself at risk?" They don't feel its worth the risk..they don't feel you are worth the risk..you don't need him.

If you gave it to him and he got pissed then he is still being unreasonable because you didn't know yourself. If he holds that against you then to me he is not that compassionate..not good IMO.

You are absolutely right. The day someone wants to be with me for real... herpes won't be a deterrent. You also have a good memory cause we both found out that I had it after he got some symptoms from being with me. I think this situation is a test for people to recognize how loving they truly are. I know my friend is a loving man... however... some people put conditions on love and are not always prepared to react positively when situations like this come up. I know I am... and if I wasn't... I sure am now... to deal with many things. It's made me very reflective.
So in summary what I want is someone who can step out of his little circle and be greater than that.
thanks for your support

I hope that this man has the decency to realize that you ARE worth the risk. If he moved on, he could just as easily get it from any other person he ever sleeps with.
I think it's ironic that once I ended up in a monogamous, loving relationship, I get the first STD I've ever gotten. But I am GLAD that I got it from my BF instead of some one night stand and LUCKY that I didn't get it sooner than I did. Or something else like genital warts or even HIV.

What's up RapItUp....glad you joined us. :-) Let me see how I should properly respond to your post. I think its reasonable to understand you not wanting to have sex with anyone with an std. I am pretty sure you are in a phase of having "casual sex" right now and well...of course you don't want to risk catching an STD from a fling.

I think if you were to meet someone and start to form something meaningful your opinion would change. I contracted herpes from a man that I dated for nearly 2 years..he knew he had it and did not say anything to me. By the time I found out it was too late..I already had it. He was a total jacka$$ the entire time we dated...if he had told me he had herpes...I would have run for the heals..he wasn't worth it.

I have always been in monogomous relationships and have never slept around. I have even always questioned guys I dated about their sexual past...my ex boyfriend lied about his..in short he use to be and still is a whoe! Now I am stuck with what he did to me knowing he didn't want anything longterm.

Now if I meet a new guy( and I did) and he wants to form a serious relationship with me...and its based on "love" then I don't think herpes should run him off. I didn't get mad at the guy for wanting to walk away..I was proud that I gave atleast one individual the choice that I didn't have. I could have kept my mouth shut and let him find out later if at all...but why do that to someone. Im sorry RapItUp...but in my opinion you can only respect a person that looks out for your well-being and give you the choice that they probably didn't have.

I read a poll yesterday and it stated the percentage of people who contracted herpes from someone that knew and didn't tell and it was 93.5%. Another question was how many people had secretly infected someone else by not telling and the number was like 68%. Basically...most people know they have it and just like the girl you got with...they choose not to say nothing.

Its apparent you are not trying to do anything with anyone right now other than screw but one day when you are ready to get with someone on a meaningful level you will probably change your views.

Wanted to add this too..not sure how old you are but if you have a couple more nights of alcohol and s*x...let's just say you will probably be lucky if herpes is all you get...be informed you can get genital herpes by having oral sex(hsvI)....so as your name states..I suggest you always wrapitup!

[This message has been edited by notsobad (edited 09-26-2003).]

I so sorry about your situation with your boyfriend. I don't understand why he would leave you over this though, I mean, you didn't know you had it, right? If you think about it, it doesn't make sense for him to leave you because of the fact that you have herpes.....especially since he himself has it now too, you know? I really hope everything works out for you guys! I know I was pretty upset at my boyfriend when I got it from him, but my anger at him only lasted briefly, when I realized that he didn't know he had it (well, didn't realize that since he had a coldsore when he was young, that he had it orally)...how could I blame him? I think all in all, my contracting herpes from my boyfriend made our relationship stronger, because I feel more of a need to put as much effort into this relationship as I can....to make it work...so I don't have to try doing the dating thing again, and have the dreaded "talk" with any prospective partners. Now, don't get me wrong, I love him with all my heart, and hope to be with him always, but deep down inside, when we get into stupid arguments, the fact that if we break up and I have to find someone new and disclose my herpes, it terrifies me, and makes me work harder in the relationship, you know what I mean? I mean, I wouldn't stay with him if I didn't love him, or if he mistreated me, but I just have a little bit more of a want to make it work with him....

Rap It Up, I agree with the poster above who mentioned the "casual sex" thing. Now, I have never actually had casual sex with any guy, I have always only been with guys I was in monogamous, long term relationships with...4 to be exact. But I do know that if I was into "casual sex", I would be like you, I would not have sex with someone who told me they had an STD. BUT, when you are in love with someone, something like that doesn't matter. I know if my boyfriend had known that he could give me herpes because he had coldsores on his lip when he was younger, and told me about it, it wouldn't have made a difference to me. Heck, even HIV would not have prevented me from being with him, because I LOVE him....therefore making it worth the risk, you know? Of course a one night stand or a booty call isn't going to be worth the risk, you have no emotional attachment to the person...but when you are talking about a relationship with someone you love, and STD shouldn't come in the way of that love.

Devasted...I can relate to your desire to really want to make your relationship work. After my last relationship ended after I disclosed the herpes I decided to chill. Then I met a neat guy and we started dating....things were progressing...but I feel that the new guy isn't all what he seems. I mean he is nice but it would be long time before I disclosed it to him...he would have to prove to me that he is for real and not just bullsh*tting wasting my time...which is what may be going on. Then I had the crazy notion to entertain the guy that infected me...yeah a desperate thought...but still a thought.

After a few conversations on the phone...I realized he is still the same jerk and will always be that way. When I realized he has no intention of ever being a good guy I asked how can you go around infecting women like you are? He replied that I am the only woman that has ever complained about being infected and that he is fine...."lord have mercy"...if this ain't a sicko!

Ladies..this man is still going around spreading his love around knowing he has herpes...I feel sorry for any woman that comes in his path..not only will he give you herpes but alot of grief to go with it...I wish there was a police patrol that I could call that would stop him. LOL http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/nono.gif

Yes its Friday and I am bored and have nothing else better to do than scan the board. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/tongue.gif

Freakedoutfemme...you mean you infected him without knowing it and he split....yeah I do remember your story...you thought he was the one...and likewise. This is not good. Do you guys talk. He may just be having a hard time dealing with it...is he really mad at you? I would think this would be the time you guys could really support eachother and become closer. Perhaps he thinks you knew you had it. Is it possible for you to talk to him about it. I hope he has not cut off all communication with you.

My ex-fiance ended all communication with me after I told him...but I never slept with him..so he was never at risk. I can almost understand him tucking his tail and running...but your guy..he has it now...why is he running...I mean you didn't even know..and it wasn't intentional and things were going so great.

What happened to OneInFour..she is usually really good about responding to situations like this.

OMG NotSoBad! That guys is such an a$$!!! People who don't tell their partners infuriate me! Good riddens to that guy! I'm soo sorry your fiance had such a reaction. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/frown.gif

FYI: We do still keep in touch although I'm mostly the one who initiates the calls. But to his credit I will say we've had some nice conversations as long as we avoid touching the issue. Also, he's been going through another situation in his life to add insult to injury and I guess he's overwhelmed.

I am giving him his space and some time because I do understand that if you don't know anything about herpes (I used to be that way three weeks ago) the initial reaction is fear. I am not going to push the issue but I know that if after some time passes, he still doesn't find more information or has issues about it being sexual than I can't be with him anyway. As I write that I am secretly hoping that doesn't happen but I've had enough experiences and disappointments to at least know what's good for me or not.

Rap it up, I am not mad at him at all. I understand him so well that I'm giving him space. Our relationship didn't start out being physical at all though... it's at another level... one which you may or may not understand. I am just sad that life and especially love doesn't flow so easily for me sometimes. If he chooses to leave I am sure it won't be because of this reason only... it would be due to an accumulation of baggage in his life. I am positive of that. This was probably just a fork on the road that snapped him back to the misery he was feeling before he met me. Our story was so magical and I still believe in it... but I can't keep his eyes open for him... he needs to do that on his own. If he chooses to close them again... it will be too bad.

Yes, I am home bored on a Friday night too... but I rather be here than hanging out meeting superficial men who only want sex.

oh, you ladies are great. I, too was infected knowingly by someone (all the clues were there that he had it) but ofcourse he denied it and blah, blah, blah.... Femme we must hang out , I think we are both in brooklyn http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/wink.gif

As I read through these posts I wanted to express how I feel. First of all, getting any std, not to mention a lifelong one is very hard to deal with and furthermore even harder to accept. I slept with someone who I very much trusted and that person neglected to tell me about her condition. (At this point I have not been able to get answers one way or another about my condition) The way I feel and probably how most do is if you are starting a new relationship, no matter how well it is going, and you get herpes in the process, you are going to question the relationship and that person regardless of what they tell you. I’m sure this guy has at least considered that you knew and did not tell him. I feel this way because before all this happened to me, I just assumed that if you had an STD you would know about it. I never though of STDs and their symptoms as something that could go unnoticed. Before we were coming to sites like this, I assume most of our thoughts on STDs were like the horror stories a high school heath teacher talked about. I think you need to put yourself in his shoes. Think about you life and your attitude before you got the bad new and consider how you would feel and think if in has situation. A few weeks is a blink of an eye when you are considering the direction of the rest of your life! Give him time and space, be honest and feel him out. It has been almost a year since I have been dealing with the mess that this girl left me in and I am still unsure of how I really feel. If you truly didn’t know about your situation, you need to reinforce his trust level, but realize that in the end he is the one who need to decide!

You are absolutely right jba... I know this situation is not easy for him to handle and ultimately it is up to him. But in the meantime... ties do sever and that's a tough pill to swallow. It just makes me sad. I'm trying not to be traumatized by this too much because it's new for me too and I can't even imagine how my future love life will unfold. I guess I won't go there for now.
At least we're learning quite a bit and demystifying std's huh?

I know what you mean, my approach to relationships in the past were usually hot and heavy from the beginning. sex usually came pretty early in my relationships. The funny part about its is that since this happened I have meet some really cool woman and blew them off because I have idea of what to tell them!! Life can really be hard sometimes. Hopefully things will work out for you. My situation was doomed from the start. My X called me acting like everything was great. We spent several months “being friends” and wound-up having sex. A week or two later she laid it on me!! I have been through the ringer with several doctors and have not received a definite answer! To say the least, whatever I find out, my (sex) LIFE will never be the same. Hey, maybe that isn’t the worst thing……by the way, you’re from Brooklyn? I grew up in Queens.

notsobad..
I am shocked by your philosophy of love. You expect a whole world from someone you are transmitting an STD. Tell me,, what kind of love YOU extending to him?
Would I transmit herpes to someone I love? I dont think so.

Funny, I read all these old posts and couldn't find what you meant, r&w. I thought notsobad indicated that no sleeping together, thus no chance of spreading the disease, had occurred in their case.

But I do think that if two people are in love and have made the choice to spend their lives together, the world is exactly what they give each other; or, rather, what they make together. A world of love and support.

I think that what people like notsobad, mra, hb and I feel is that we are not simply some disease--we are wonderful people with much to offer, much to share, much to give. We are much more than this virus; in fact, the virus is a very small part of who we are. And we are here on this board learning how to minimize its impact on our lives and the lives of those whom we love, and who love us.

Perhaps it doesn't seem fair, but there is a quite natural backlash of anger against anyone who defines us too narrowly. If we have been loving someone, giving as much as we can to someone, and then find we have herpes--and he/she sees, not the months or years of love and gifts we have given, not the rest of our personality, but only the h--then we feel belittled. We may be able to understand the other's fear, but we also feel angry, because all relationships involve risk, and a person has no business committing him/herself to a relationship if he/she isn't willing to accept the risks that go along with it. We think, we have helped them through their rough times, but they abandon us when we need their love and support most? Certainly this is unworthy. And we remember the old adage: it's the rats that desert a sinking ship. Might be a smart thing for the rats, might be justifiable. But it's a little too pragmatic, too self-serving for having made the claim of love, not to be despicable.

When we humans share ourselves, there is inevitably a downside. With my ex, the downside was that he had herpes and he was an alcoholic. The alcoholism, and the accompanying lies, were what ended our relationship (and the mutual decision that we were not good for each other anymore--we had the most amicable divorce of anyone I've ever known,) not the herpes. It's strange that he never lied to me about the herpes--and for that reason, I'm not angry about contracting it from him. It was a risk I took knowingly, and I take responsibility for my decision.

Every person has something great to offer. Every person has something bad to pass on, whether it's herpes, diabetes (to your children,) pessimism (much harder to live with and much more contagious, I think, than herpes,) or the flu (which can kill--do you avoid your lover when he has it, or stay and take care of him?) Every time you claim to love, you have a responsibility to look for the great stuff and deal the best you can with the rest of it.

Just some thoughts, trying to explain where some of us are coming from. I'm not trying to say that anyone's personal decision is wrong--whether it's leaving a lover for having h, or avoiding sex because you have h. Just want to show that there are reasons for feeling betrayed and angry at times, and for saying yes to life and love, and for believing that, although to some h is an insurmountable barrier, to many others it is a minor inconvenience and is certainly not a good reason to forswear the love of a faithful partner. Peace.

ReadnWrite...what philosophy are you referring to? You will have to expand a little on what you meant...I am really not sure. My views over the past few months have changed drastically on this topic. You see I got involved with someone that professed basically they loved me more than life itself and as soon as I revealed the herpes they bolted. They tried to say it was other stuff...but as time went on I became honest with myself and accepted the truth. I didn't expect the world from this man...but the world is what he said he wanted to offer me. I think in my situation this man really didn't know what love was and was more so in love with the idea of the whole thing. I have since determined there are much greater issues in a relationship to deal with than herpes. As for me transmitting an STD...no I did not transmit anything to anyone. I didn't have s*x with this guy even after I told him about the herpes he wanted to have s*x and I said no. And apparently you are not aware of this but I was not born with herpes...someone that I trusted gave it to me and to this day still lies about it.....so you asked what did I have to offer this man..I offered him the chance to make an informed decision...something that was robbed of me. :)

I am neither bitter or angry and to be honest I thank the man that left when he found out. At first I was hurt because I felt rejected....but I realize it is his loss not my own. Each time you have s*x even if its protected...you place yourself at risk for something. All I can give is honesty and that is all I expect in return......so again not sure what philosophy you mean....the only thing that I really believe in is being considerate to people especially when they place your well being first.