newpatient485
06-19-2008, 02:11 PM
Ok, so when I found out I had HPV, I was single and hadn't been with anyone for over a year. I told past partners (awkward!) because it was my hope they would at least tell people they were with and maybe it would encourage those women to get their exams or get vaccinated. The idea that I could have passed it to another woman made me feel terrible because going through this sucks!
So anyway, I got through telling those people, but now I'm dating someone new,. It's getting to the point where we are going to need to have "the talk," and I'm not exactly sure how/when/where to bring it up.
I've heard about different reactions from current husbands/boyfriends, but I haven't really heard anyone talk about a new partner . . . I guess I'm just not sure how I can explain it to someone new . . .
If there are any men on the board, I'd love to hear from them too.
So anyway, I got through telling those people, but now I'm dating someone new,. It's getting to the point where we are going to need to have "the talk," and I'm not exactly sure how/when/where to bring it up.
I've heard about different reactions from current husbands/boyfriends, but I haven't really heard anyone talk about a new partner . . . I guess I'm just not sure how I can explain it to someone new . . .
If there are any men on the board, I'd love to hear from them too.
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rosequartz
06-19-2008, 02:15 PM
why say anything? aren't you planning on using condoms? If so you have nothing to worry about
newpatient485
06-19-2008, 02:19 PM
It's my understanding from my doctor that condoms are no guarantee as it can be passed on by any sort of contact.
rosequartz
06-19-2008, 02:20 PM
interesting, I didn't know that. I still wouldn't say anything.......it's not that big of a deal because the majority of the population has it, and saying something might scare someone off......and who knows that person could have it anyway! I just would keep my mouth shut. I know not everyone would agree with me, but that's what I'd do.
newpatient485
06-19-2008, 02:21 PM
Well I'm planning on telling him regardless. If it were me I'd want to know, and I think it's only fair to give someone all the information BEFORE you have sex. Anyway, if anyone has any advice or went through this, I'd love to hear it.
jenuine86
06-19-2008, 07:34 PM
Express to him how much you like him and make sure he knows you are giving him the choice. Don't call it HPV unless he asks.. I think HPV sounds a lot scarier than explaining what it is that you have, which is a virus dangerous to women that can be carried by men. Let him know that you want to protect him by using a condom but there is a small risk he could catch it, though probably not too likely.. Keep reminding how much you like him, how hard this is for you etc..
Ask him if he has any questions, especially if he seems confused or disturbed!!
If I can think of anything else, I will let you know.. I wouldn't bring this up until he really wants you in bed though.. then you can stop him and say "wait.. there is something you should know before we go any further..". Until you know he's trying to get there, I wouldn't bring it up because you'll want as much time as you can to build that emotional detachment so it won't be too easy for him to say "goodbye!".. this way he will know the risk he is taking by staying with you and the risk of losing something really good if he decides to leave you.. :)
Ask him if he has any questions, especially if he seems confused or disturbed!!
If I can think of anything else, I will let you know.. I wouldn't bring this up until he really wants you in bed though.. then you can stop him and say "wait.. there is something you should know before we go any further..". Until you know he's trying to get there, I wouldn't bring it up because you'll want as much time as you can to build that emotional detachment so it won't be too easy for him to say "goodbye!".. this way he will know the risk he is taking by staying with you and the risk of losing something really good if he decides to leave you.. :)
jenuine86
06-19-2008, 07:45 PM
Express to him how much you like him and make sure he knows you are giving him the choice. Don't call it HPV unless he asks.. I think HPV sounds a lot scarier than explaining what it is that you have, which is a virus dangerous to women that can be carried by men. Let him know that you want to protect him by using a condom but there is a small risk he could catch it, though probably not too likely.. Keep reminding how much you like him, how hard this is for you etc..
Ask him if he has any questions, especially if he seems confused or disturbed!!
If I can think of anything else, I will let you know.. I wouldn't bring this up until he really wants you in bed though.. then you can stop him and say "wait.. there is something you should know before we go any further..". Until you know he's trying to get there, I wouldn't bring it up because you'll want as much time as you can to build that emotional detachment so it won't be too easy for him to say "goodbye!".. this way he will know the risk he is taking by staying with you and the risk of losing something really good if he decides to leave you.. :)
Don't forget to let him know that there is essentially no symptoms or side effects for men.. you could explain the warts situation, but if you don't have that strain, I wouldn't bother unless he were to ask about it.. Just tell him everything he NEEDS to know and leave out stuff that doesn't pertain to your situation unless he wants to know more about it.. OH and if you DO have to call it HPV, call it by it's name- Human Papillomavirus.. (my theory is that HPV is too close to HIV and so he might get freaked.. people get uncomfortable with code words like STD, HPV, HIV etc if they don't even know what it means and at least the full name just makes it seem more of a condition.)
Hope this helps! (hope it made sense... ha.)
GOOD LUCK! ;)
Ask him if he has any questions, especially if he seems confused or disturbed!!
If I can think of anything else, I will let you know.. I wouldn't bring this up until he really wants you in bed though.. then you can stop him and say "wait.. there is something you should know before we go any further..". Until you know he's trying to get there, I wouldn't bring it up because you'll want as much time as you can to build that emotional detachment so it won't be too easy for him to say "goodbye!".. this way he will know the risk he is taking by staying with you and the risk of losing something really good if he decides to leave you.. :)
Don't forget to let him know that there is essentially no symptoms or side effects for men.. you could explain the warts situation, but if you don't have that strain, I wouldn't bother unless he were to ask about it.. Just tell him everything he NEEDS to know and leave out stuff that doesn't pertain to your situation unless he wants to know more about it.. OH and if you DO have to call it HPV, call it by it's name- Human Papillomavirus.. (my theory is that HPV is too close to HIV and so he might get freaked.. people get uncomfortable with code words like STD, HPV, HIV etc if they don't even know what it means and at least the full name just makes it seem more of a condition.)
Hope this helps! (hope it made sense... ha.)
GOOD LUCK! ;)
newpatient485
06-20-2008, 11:54 AM
Thanks, I think what to call it is especially what I'm struggling with. I know he's not at a huge risk and calling it an STD would probably unnecessarily freak him out, but I still feel like he has the right to know.
jenuine86
06-20-2008, 12:39 PM
Like I said, just call it what it is.. a virus. You can still tell him what it is without using the "scary" words right away.. Maybe explain what it is and what you've been through and somewhere you can mention that it's reffered to as hpv, but give him an idea of what hpv REALLY is like before you mention the name "HPV" so he doesn't hear the name and make up what kind of disease it is.. I agree, don't hold out on him and not tell him because you would have preferred the person who gave it to you had warned you first, but be careful how you word it because it's too easy for people get freaked out over it.. make sense?
newpatient485
06-20-2008, 03:50 PM
Phew, I'll give it a try when it seems like the right time. I guess if he totally freaks out he's not the kind of guy I want in my life anyway!
jenuine86
06-20-2008, 04:12 PM
I guess if he totally freaks out he's not the kind of guy I want in my life anyway!
Exactly. It sucks that we can't have the kind of fun we used to have of dating without having to make sure the guy is serious about us.. but at the same time, it's easier for us to find those guys that are worthwhile then, eh? ;)
Gooooodddd lluucckkk! I'll try to send some positive energy your way. & don't stress it until you think it's appropriate to mention it.. like I said.. take advantage of this time to fall in love (or better yet for him to fall in love with you).
Exactly. It sucks that we can't have the kind of fun we used to have of dating without having to make sure the guy is serious about us.. but at the same time, it's easier for us to find those guys that are worthwhile then, eh? ;)
Gooooodddd lluucckkk! I'll try to send some positive energy your way. & don't stress it until you think it's appropriate to mention it.. like I said.. take advantage of this time to fall in love (or better yet for him to fall in love with you).
sam76
06-21-2008, 01:22 AM
I am reaching the point where I might have to tell a guy this soon too. I know how awkward it is to know the right thing to say, and how to say it. I've only had to do it once so far and the guy was very accepting of it.
I just sat him down when I knew things were heating up and I said, look, I have this condition. It's not a big deal, but it is very contagious and I just think you should be aware of it so that you can make your own choices. I explained to him that it's a virus called HPV, that most sexually active people contract some strain of it at some point in their lives, and that you just happened to be one of the unlucky recipients of it that showed symptoms. And be sure to mention that something like one in 4 or 5 people are walking around with it, and that most don't even know.
The best advice I can give is to be as knowledgable as possible with your partner. The more vague you are, the scarier it seems... so just share with your partner as much as you know about it and explain that it's not as bad as it sounds, but that you just felt that regardless - he has a right to know. I'd also let him know that your body eventually takes care of it on its own if you're healthy, and that you're just in the in-between stage.
I just sat him down when I knew things were heating up and I said, look, I have this condition. It's not a big deal, but it is very contagious and I just think you should be aware of it so that you can make your own choices. I explained to him that it's a virus called HPV, that most sexually active people contract some strain of it at some point in their lives, and that you just happened to be one of the unlucky recipients of it that showed symptoms. And be sure to mention that something like one in 4 or 5 people are walking around with it, and that most don't even know.
The best advice I can give is to be as knowledgable as possible with your partner. The more vague you are, the scarier it seems... so just share with your partner as much as you know about it and explain that it's not as bad as it sounds, but that you just felt that regardless - he has a right to know. I'd also let him know that your body eventually takes care of it on its own if you're healthy, and that you're just in the in-between stage.
Anita M
06-21-2008, 05:47 AM
I have been in your same situation. It is true that you can pass it on if there is any wart to skin contact. So if you have a wart somewhere that the condom doesn't fully cover, you can pass it on.
You should definatley tell him. I slept with a guy using a condom, and I felt so bad just by putting him in at risk. so I freaked out about telling him, but I just had to. So I called him and told him to come over because we need to talk. That was the hardest part because as soon as you say "we need to talk", there's no more hiding it, you have no choice.
So that's what I did, and I told him that I had it, and he wasn't upset at all, he actually just wanted to make me feel better. He was very understanding. And we just got married 3 weeks ago.
So tell him, it's the right thing to do, and if he likes you enough, then he will be willing to work around it. If you give it to him and he finds out without you telling him, he may leave and give it to someone else,
So the worst part is just saying "we need to talk". I hope that was helpful. Good Luck.:)
You should definatley tell him. I slept with a guy using a condom, and I felt so bad just by putting him in at risk. so I freaked out about telling him, but I just had to. So I called him and told him to come over because we need to talk. That was the hardest part because as soon as you say "we need to talk", there's no more hiding it, you have no choice.
So that's what I did, and I told him that I had it, and he wasn't upset at all, he actually just wanted to make me feel better. He was very understanding. And we just got married 3 weeks ago.
So tell him, it's the right thing to do, and if he likes you enough, then he will be willing to work around it. If you give it to him and he finds out without you telling him, he may leave and give it to someone else,
So the worst part is just saying "we need to talk". I hope that was helpful. Good Luck.:)