I lost my dad when I was 10 years old. He was practically my whole world at that time. I am now 37 years old and I am still having a very hard time dealing with this.

About 10 years ago I started remembering some of the circumstances that lead up to his death. The day before it happened I was riding my bike with my brother and our friend. We were about a mile away from my Grandmother's house (which is where we were living at the time). We were riding near some apartments that we used to live at when we ran into our dad. He was in his van at the parking lot of his ex-grilfriend's place and he seemed very sad to me. We talked to him a bit and I knew that he was very unhappy about something. I don't remember the whole conversation but I do remember asking him come home that night (aroudn that time he often didn't come home until the next day and would only stay for a shore period of time).

Our friend wanted to go so we started to ride off. I looked back at my dad and felt worried. I said to my brother that something was wrong and we should go back. He shrugged this off said we should leave him alone. I remember thinking that I should go back ask him to promise me come home tonight but my friend and brother were riding away on their bikes. I looked back at him again and I remember thinking that he looked sad but everything should be okay so I rode off to catch up with my brother and our friend.

On our way back we rode by the apartments that we saw my dad at and my brother said he saw police by our dad's van. I thought we should go see what was wrong but he said no and that we would get into trouble so we didn't stop and just went home. I had forgotten about this and didn't remember it until a year or two after remembering about talking to him on that day.

The next day we found out that my dad was dead. My Grandmother told us it was caused by an accident with his hand gun; that he had dropped it and it went off shooting him in the mouth but in the paper it said it was a suicide. One of my relatives said that we shouldn't be allowed to go to his funeral because they had a lot of trouble making him presentable. I remember arguing with my Grandmother about this and she gave in telling me that I could go if I wanted to but he wouldn't look that good and I might have nightmares afterwards. I decided not to go and I remember feeling very guilty about this.

To make matters worse, about 3 months later my Mother came to take us back to where she lived in Canada. We lived in Texas which is where my bother and I were born and had lived all our lives. My parents had split up when I was 4 or 5 years old and she moved back to Canada where she was originally from. This was a huge adjustment.

Sorry for the long post but I wanted to explaing everything. As I said, I am having a hard time dealing with his loss and am feeling overwhelmed with guilt about not having gone back and at least tried to make him promise me to come home that night. I am wondering if anyone has any helpful suggestions on how I can deal with this. I have thought about therapy but I am not ready to seriously consider that.

Therapy does help, I hope you go, I think you would be very surprised about all of what is going through you mind and how to cope with it. I'm sorry for your loss. My brother has had many friends that this has happened to. It's very hard to understand why it happens. Please make at least one appt. to talk with someone, that first step is the hardest. It's really too bad your Dad didn't take that first step and get some help. You need to feel better about your guilt, there was nothing you could of done. It's soo sad when this type of thing happens, it's the ones still living that go through the worst pain of all. (((HUGS))) to you.

Dear Calibear,

You must remember that when this happened you were a 10 yr old CHILD. That is a mighty big burden you have been carrying on your shoulders. Your father would have done what he did no matter what his 10 yr old daughter may have said or not said to him that day. Just the fact that he saw and spoke to you and your brother would have been enough of a reminder that he had children that loved him and he chose to take his life anyway. Look at your average 10 yr old girl and ask yourself if she would be capable of stopping a suicide.

Your memories may be vivid, but you must stop carrying the guilt with you. There was truly nothing you or your brother could have done to prevent a depressed adult from taking his life. And as far a the funeral goes, if they had an open casket and you went, that would be your last memory of him. They should have had a closed coffin but that cannot be undone.

This happened over 20 yrs ago and while you never want to forget your father, you need to stop dwelling on that day and remember the good times with him. I think that is what he would have wanted for you, to get on with your life.

Best wishes,

JB

Caliber - I am sorry for what you are going through. When I was 17 my Mom tried to kill herself in front of me - by taking 200 + pills. She barely survived. She did this in the middle of an argument we were having over $20-I understand your pain. The guilt is left in your soul forever. My Mom lived. But a part of me died that day. I have been to therapy - I have taken meds - it never goes away. I try to tell myself it is not my fault. I try to know that my Mom was ill herself. But it is a guilt trip - a life altering soul ripping out guilt trip forever. Sadly - I lost my Dad 1 1/2 years ago - my Mom now relies soley on me. And everyday - she cries and cries about my Dad and then threatens to join him. To me it is a threat. It has made me almost crazy - I am losing my marriage - my relationship with my child. I am shutting down. I see why God punishes those that commit suicide - it is because of what they do to the ones that have to live with it. Then some part of me says that God would never punish someone who was in so much pain. I am sorry Caliber. You are in my prayers.