cindys601
06-21-2008, 12:43 PM
Hi everyone
I'm out of the hospital. Bob couldn't get wireless interenet connection so wasn't able to post.
The surgery went well but I'm very sore and having trouble typing so I'll add more when I'm feeling better. But, there was alot of possitive!!
I hope everyones feeling well
Talk to you all soon
Cindy
I'm out of the hospital. Bob couldn't get wireless interenet connection so wasn't able to post.
The surgery went well but I'm very sore and having trouble typing so I'll add more when I'm feeling better. But, there was alot of possitive!!
I hope everyones feeling well
Talk to you all soon
Cindy
Sponsor
Nenu
06-21-2008, 12:45 PM
Glad to hear you made it through Cindy. Get lots of rest hun! :)
april1848
06-21-2008, 01:43 PM
I hope you are doing well and that your recovery is fast! I also hope your mom is doing well. I'll keep my eye out for your next update, it was good hearing from you!
MSNik
06-21-2008, 09:26 PM
Cindy..so glad to hear from you!! Been praying and hoping that someone would update us about you all week! Ive also been thinking about your mom and praying that things are stable for her as well..
Please do let us know how youre feeling when you are up to it, and know that everyone here is sending love and speedy recovery! Im so glad that you were able to let us know youre on the path to recovery..
big hugs and lots of love..
Nikki
Please do let us know how youre feeling when you are up to it, and know that everyone here is sending love and speedy recovery! Im so glad that you were able to let us know youre on the path to recovery..
big hugs and lots of love..
Nikki
glamour girl
06-23-2008, 08:31 AM
Its great news to hear your out of hospital..
Heres to a Speedy recovery girl.. Relax and healthy thoughts..
Look forward to hearing from you again.
Heres to a Speedy recovery girl.. Relax and healthy thoughts..
Look forward to hearing from you again.
Moldova
06-23-2008, 11:25 AM
Cindy,
good luck to you!
What kind surgery did you have? I hope for a speedy recovery, honey!
Take good care...:angel:
good luck to you!
What kind surgery did you have? I hope for a speedy recovery, honey!
Take good care...:angel:
jlbrow7
06-23-2008, 01:55 PM
Cindy,
I don't know you but I've been following your posts. Here's a Rocky Mountain Hi!
Take it easy. Congratulations!
I don't know you but I've been following your posts. Here's a Rocky Mountain Hi!
Take it easy. Congratulations!
cindys601
06-26-2008, 12:46 AM
Thanks so much everyone, for your warm wishes!!
I haven't been able to sit at the PC for long periods of time so Its been tough posting. Tonight, after a full day of rest and a much needed spongebath (Can't shower for 2 weeks!! Yuk!!) and shampoo, I feel so much better.
I haven't been able to get on the PC too much because I definately have a way of over doing it when I feel good and pay the price later.
Surgery went well. The surgeon said I had a serverely tethered cord (whatever that means). I tested positive for cranial instibility and have cranial settling which is something I thought I'd hear but had hopes I was wrong. Most likely will need a fusion to keep my head and neck where it belongs. Oh well...could be worse. But they said to let the dust settle from this surgery then we can decide from there the next step.
After surgery i was BAD!! My lovely heart and BP decided to act up as it does frequently. I was so sick, vomiting and in pain. I have sleep apnea and was waking up feeling that I was not breathing. they put me on a C pap machine.
But I was really scared and wanted off the pain meds. To much pain meds can be a cause of death because Chiari effects breathing, so I kept telling them I wanted OFF even though I was hurting so badly. Finally convinced them 5 mg of oxycodone and 2 tylenol was enough though it really wasn't touching the pain.
1st 3 days were really bad but the 4th, I forced myselp up and dressed. When the team came in, they were wowed because I went from 0-100 overnight (or so they thought) but I was hurting. BUT my head pain was gone!! Yee Ha!! So they gave me my walking papers and asked me if I wanted to walk or a wheelchair ride out. Cocky me, walked the long walk out.
We went back to our New York residence and what a great crowd of people we had there!! Me and Bob enjoyed everyones company so much. I stayed up till after midnight talking and sitting.
Way too much, too fast. So though I was in more pain the following day, me and bob and another couple in the same situation figured we'd go have some fun. We went to Macy's, got 2 wheel chairs and the guys rolled us all over. We had a blast. But we pushed it still, went out to lunch and on the way out of the restraunt, us 2 girls were not feeling so good.
We went back back home and I spent the rest of the day in bed saying to Bob "ok, I scewed up and overdid it for sure. you were right and I was wrong" (guys love hearing that.) LOL
Then came home to my house and mounds of people visiting and though it was thoughtful, I got no rest again. Its been this way since Sunday and today I locked my doors, rested and pretended I was sleeping for the daily visitors.
I feel so guilty doing that but I figure it is better than hurting feelings asking to be left alone for a day. It helped alot!!
But all in all, I feel optamistic. Not much has changes but they say 3 months to a year before I know the outcome of my symptoms. Some things may not improve because they have been going on for so long, I could have permanent damage. But even if nothing gets better, I did something to halt the progression of this disease. Thats good enough for me!!
I watch all of you MSers live with a daily cronic disease and have learned exceptance with mine. But only because you all showed me the way!! Hats of to all of you brave people. Your the best!!
Take care!!
cindy
I haven't been able to sit at the PC for long periods of time so Its been tough posting. Tonight, after a full day of rest and a much needed spongebath (Can't shower for 2 weeks!! Yuk!!) and shampoo, I feel so much better.
I haven't been able to get on the PC too much because I definately have a way of over doing it when I feel good and pay the price later.
Surgery went well. The surgeon said I had a serverely tethered cord (whatever that means). I tested positive for cranial instibility and have cranial settling which is something I thought I'd hear but had hopes I was wrong. Most likely will need a fusion to keep my head and neck where it belongs. Oh well...could be worse. But they said to let the dust settle from this surgery then we can decide from there the next step.
After surgery i was BAD!! My lovely heart and BP decided to act up as it does frequently. I was so sick, vomiting and in pain. I have sleep apnea and was waking up feeling that I was not breathing. they put me on a C pap machine.
But I was really scared and wanted off the pain meds. To much pain meds can be a cause of death because Chiari effects breathing, so I kept telling them I wanted OFF even though I was hurting so badly. Finally convinced them 5 mg of oxycodone and 2 tylenol was enough though it really wasn't touching the pain.
1st 3 days were really bad but the 4th, I forced myselp up and dressed. When the team came in, they were wowed because I went from 0-100 overnight (or so they thought) but I was hurting. BUT my head pain was gone!! Yee Ha!! So they gave me my walking papers and asked me if I wanted to walk or a wheelchair ride out. Cocky me, walked the long walk out.
We went back to our New York residence and what a great crowd of people we had there!! Me and Bob enjoyed everyones company so much. I stayed up till after midnight talking and sitting.
Way too much, too fast. So though I was in more pain the following day, me and bob and another couple in the same situation figured we'd go have some fun. We went to Macy's, got 2 wheel chairs and the guys rolled us all over. We had a blast. But we pushed it still, went out to lunch and on the way out of the restraunt, us 2 girls were not feeling so good.
We went back back home and I spent the rest of the day in bed saying to Bob "ok, I scewed up and overdid it for sure. you were right and I was wrong" (guys love hearing that.) LOL
Then came home to my house and mounds of people visiting and though it was thoughtful, I got no rest again. Its been this way since Sunday and today I locked my doors, rested and pretended I was sleeping for the daily visitors.
I feel so guilty doing that but I figure it is better than hurting feelings asking to be left alone for a day. It helped alot!!
But all in all, I feel optamistic. Not much has changes but they say 3 months to a year before I know the outcome of my symptoms. Some things may not improve because they have been going on for so long, I could have permanent damage. But even if nothing gets better, I did something to halt the progression of this disease. Thats good enough for me!!
I watch all of you MSers live with a daily cronic disease and have learned exceptance with mine. But only because you all showed me the way!! Hats of to all of you brave people. Your the best!!
Take care!!
cindy
MommaEMS
06-26-2008, 01:08 AM
Cindy,
So glad to hear that your surgery went well! Blessings on you and your family! Bob sounds like a wonderful man. Please do try to slow down and not do to much, get some rest and heal! We are all thinking of you and wish you nothing but the best. :angel:
MommaEMS
So glad to hear that your surgery went well! Blessings on you and your family! Bob sounds like a wonderful man. Please do try to slow down and not do to much, get some rest and heal! We are all thinking of you and wish you nothing but the best. :angel:
MommaEMS
MSNik
06-26-2008, 08:16 AM
Cindy, that is quite a story. Thank Goodness you really do sound happy and healthy in your attitude! Must have been quite an adventure rolling your way thru Macys- that store can be a nightmare, even when you are walking it!
Im sorry to hear about the instability in your neck/head; however have known three people who have had that sort of fusion, all successfully and all without major complaints. Whatever they have to do- let them do. We need you here! (wish someone could stabilize my head right now!:D)
Love to you and your family..may I ask how your mother is? Weve all been concerned about your situation! Glad to hear that you are home and taking care of yourself...and thank you, for all youve done/said to me- your my inspiration to moving forward and keeping the past in perspective...
big hugs girlfriend and welcome back!
Nikki
Im sorry to hear about the instability in your neck/head; however have known three people who have had that sort of fusion, all successfully and all without major complaints. Whatever they have to do- let them do. We need you here! (wish someone could stabilize my head right now!:D)
Love to you and your family..may I ask how your mother is? Weve all been concerned about your situation! Glad to hear that you are home and taking care of yourself...and thank you, for all youve done/said to me- your my inspiration to moving forward and keeping the past in perspective...
big hugs girlfriend and welcome back!
Nikki
cindys601
06-26-2008, 09:14 AM
MommaEMS~
Thanks so much for your blessings. Its been a very long road to get where I am and I'm still learning the act of slowing down when I'm feeling good. Thankfully, I do have the great support of bob (he is great to me) telling me to rest and waiting on me. Unfortunately, when he's working, I'm doing it alone and I push my limits!! LOL
And Nikki~
When your down, you need to find a way to find a smile. So our little stroll about took the mind of the matter and let us be goofy while we were suffering. Of course, now we don't have the finances to buy and didn't spend a penny but had some fun.
Fusion is the one piece of this that scares me the most. I can imagine what life will be like never being able to turn my neck without turning my whole body. And driving must be difficult after. But the weirdest thing was when I was in traction and they were lifting my head with weights, emediately, my neck pain went away. But before they dropped the wights, he said I wasn't going to like the feeling. Oh boy!! I felt like a rag doll that someone dropped a huge pumpkin ontop of. There was a huge differance so I know it will help. So once again, adapt and over come...
Now my mom...What a sad story. As you know I was a mess before I left because I knew her situation was serious. I struggled about what to do and decided this was one of those situations that I needed to be selfish and put me first.
I pretty much just ran away and didn't look back. I left my family behind to deal and they had a rough time. She became so disorientated she wasn't even recognizing my brother which broke his heart. He just kept telling me to hurry back home because I've always been there to make decisions when things are bad. I just pushed aside my guilt and did what I had to do for myself.
I think I told you her bowel is being strangled by a bad hernia and if they do surgery, they think she's so high risk, she won't make it through. But if they don't do the surgery, they don't know how long she will live without it.
Me and her dr both discussed the disaster of her last sergery and her ability to not spring back for 6 months so in the event of another surgery, we would really have to weight out the risks and unless, she is dying, hold off.
Well, I haven't had the oportunity to talk to him and my dad just doesnt ask. But They sent her to Boston and there they decided to empty her bowel, stabilize her and sent her home.
I know this isn't going to resolve itself and she hasn't gone to the bathroom since sh'es been home. And there is pain still in her stomach. Now, her face is VERY swollen and my dad says she has something like gallstones in her cheek and if that doesn't resolve itself, its quite a difficult sergery to go through. My poor mom!!
She's 82 and every day of her life is a struggle and she suffers. I've never said this to my family but sometimes I wonder if her quality of life is worth fighting for. I can't stand the thoughts of losing her but wonder if thats a selfish act and sh'es better off to rest in piece at this point in life.
All I can do at this point is to just tell her every day that I love her so very much and wait..and keep in the back of my mind that things do happen for a reason...
I'm wishing you a healthier road to travel, Nikki, and hopefully today you'll find it. if not, keep searching..
Have a great day and don't forget to find time to smile;)
Cindy
Thanks so much for your blessings. Its been a very long road to get where I am and I'm still learning the act of slowing down when I'm feeling good. Thankfully, I do have the great support of bob (he is great to me) telling me to rest and waiting on me. Unfortunately, when he's working, I'm doing it alone and I push my limits!! LOL
And Nikki~
When your down, you need to find a way to find a smile. So our little stroll about took the mind of the matter and let us be goofy while we were suffering. Of course, now we don't have the finances to buy and didn't spend a penny but had some fun.
Fusion is the one piece of this that scares me the most. I can imagine what life will be like never being able to turn my neck without turning my whole body. And driving must be difficult after. But the weirdest thing was when I was in traction and they were lifting my head with weights, emediately, my neck pain went away. But before they dropped the wights, he said I wasn't going to like the feeling. Oh boy!! I felt like a rag doll that someone dropped a huge pumpkin ontop of. There was a huge differance so I know it will help. So once again, adapt and over come...
Now my mom...What a sad story. As you know I was a mess before I left because I knew her situation was serious. I struggled about what to do and decided this was one of those situations that I needed to be selfish and put me first.
I pretty much just ran away and didn't look back. I left my family behind to deal and they had a rough time. She became so disorientated she wasn't even recognizing my brother which broke his heart. He just kept telling me to hurry back home because I've always been there to make decisions when things are bad. I just pushed aside my guilt and did what I had to do for myself.
I think I told you her bowel is being strangled by a bad hernia and if they do surgery, they think she's so high risk, she won't make it through. But if they don't do the surgery, they don't know how long she will live without it.
Me and her dr both discussed the disaster of her last sergery and her ability to not spring back for 6 months so in the event of another surgery, we would really have to weight out the risks and unless, she is dying, hold off.
Well, I haven't had the oportunity to talk to him and my dad just doesnt ask. But They sent her to Boston and there they decided to empty her bowel, stabilize her and sent her home.
I know this isn't going to resolve itself and she hasn't gone to the bathroom since sh'es been home. And there is pain still in her stomach. Now, her face is VERY swollen and my dad says she has something like gallstones in her cheek and if that doesn't resolve itself, its quite a difficult sergery to go through. My poor mom!!
She's 82 and every day of her life is a struggle and she suffers. I've never said this to my family but sometimes I wonder if her quality of life is worth fighting for. I can't stand the thoughts of losing her but wonder if thats a selfish act and sh'es better off to rest in piece at this point in life.
All I can do at this point is to just tell her every day that I love her so very much and wait..and keep in the back of my mind that things do happen for a reason...
I'm wishing you a healthier road to travel, Nikki, and hopefully today you'll find it. if not, keep searching..
Have a great day and don't forget to find time to smile;)
Cindy
MSNik
06-26-2008, 06:19 PM
Hello Cindy..
Im so sorry to hear about your mom...honestly, I dont know what I would do without mine...it sounds like your family did come thru and do what needed to be done, when you couldnt...and I also understand you questioning her quality of life..being in the business Im currently in, I really see it all. We send ambulances out for nonemergency procedures and doctors visits, and sometimes, the patients are in such bad shape- they arent going to be going back to wherever it is they are coming from (home, nursing home, assisted living, etc). I hate watching the families cope with the medical bills, the hospice, and whatever else comes their way...but the worst is seeing the desperation on their faces- they know how bad shape they are in, and they are powerless to do anything about it. Its hard, I know.
Im very proud of you for being selfish and putting yourself first. And, dont stress over the fusion and the what if's...its a long time away right now, just get your strength back from this ordeal, first..ok??
Lots more to tell you but Ill post in another thread...continued feeling better days, ok??
Hugs
Nikk
Im so sorry to hear about your mom...honestly, I dont know what I would do without mine...it sounds like your family did come thru and do what needed to be done, when you couldnt...and I also understand you questioning her quality of life..being in the business Im currently in, I really see it all. We send ambulances out for nonemergency procedures and doctors visits, and sometimes, the patients are in such bad shape- they arent going to be going back to wherever it is they are coming from (home, nursing home, assisted living, etc). I hate watching the families cope with the medical bills, the hospice, and whatever else comes their way...but the worst is seeing the desperation on their faces- they know how bad shape they are in, and they are powerless to do anything about it. Its hard, I know.
Im very proud of you for being selfish and putting yourself first. And, dont stress over the fusion and the what if's...its a long time away right now, just get your strength back from this ordeal, first..ok??
Lots more to tell you but Ill post in another thread...continued feeling better days, ok??
Hugs
Nikk
april1848
06-26-2008, 09:44 PM
First of all, I'm so sorry about your Mom. I'm sure she is considering her quality of life as well, and I can't begin to imagine how hard this is on you. You have a great, inspiring attitude to everything though--actually, I laughed at some of the things you said--you have a great sense of humor. That is a quality that you possess in abundance, and it will be a great help in dealing with the present and the future!
I hope you get some rest and relaxation soon, and thank you for your posts, which always have a silver lining!
I hope you get some rest and relaxation soon, and thank you for your posts, which always have a silver lining!
Bearygood
06-27-2008, 04:05 PM
Cindy, wow!!! So happy to see you back already! Unbelievable!!! I have been really busy but I am so happy to see these messages from you!
Please make yourself your first priority -- you already did that by having the surgery and you have to stand your ground with what's going on with your niece, etc.
I don't even know what to say about your mother -- it's a tough situation. I haven't been through exactly what you are going through but I've been close enough. I'm truly sorry for what you're going through. Hang in there and focus on doing what you need to do day by day.
Words that have helped me many times: "You can't control other people's behavior; you can just control how you react to other people's behavior." :)
Please make yourself your first priority -- you already did that by having the surgery and you have to stand your ground with what's going on with your niece, etc.
I don't even know what to say about your mother -- it's a tough situation. I haven't been through exactly what you are going through but I've been close enough. I'm truly sorry for what you're going through. Hang in there and focus on doing what you need to do day by day.
Words that have helped me many times: "You can't control other people's behavior; you can just control how you react to other people's behavior." :)
cindys601
06-27-2008, 07:13 PM
Hi Bearygood~
Great hearing from you!! I sprung back pretty quickly but I always have a way of setting myself back 3 steps when I feel Good. LOL
Today I played "lazy", hung out on the couch with my kids the whole day and rested. I tend to feel guilty on those non-productive days, thinking that I have not accomplished a thing.
I locked my doors today so I would be left alone only to find out my Dad thought that meant him too. He had my mom sent back to the hospital again this morning because she fell yesterday, on top of everything else. He didn't want to bother me because he learned my doors were locked and I didn't want to be bothered.
I explained that didn't mean him and told him what I was dealing with everyday since I got home with my daily visits. Sadly, my mom is sliding fast and I'm not there to help but as I told him i'm only a phone call away. I'm unable to phisically help but can be there emotionally for them. Its a bit of feeling helpless right now but I have to be selfish and take care of myself right now. Thanks so much for keeping me in line with that reminder!!
Its a great feeling to be back here with all of you!! I've missed you all!!
I hope things are holding up for you, too. Everything going ok? You always sound so vibrant and chipper but for the fact that you've been so busy, I hope your taking time out for yourself!! Looking at the weekend ahead, find some relax time just for you!!
Take Care
Cindy
Great hearing from you!! I sprung back pretty quickly but I always have a way of setting myself back 3 steps when I feel Good. LOL
Today I played "lazy", hung out on the couch with my kids the whole day and rested. I tend to feel guilty on those non-productive days, thinking that I have not accomplished a thing.
I locked my doors today so I would be left alone only to find out my Dad thought that meant him too. He had my mom sent back to the hospital again this morning because she fell yesterday, on top of everything else. He didn't want to bother me because he learned my doors were locked and I didn't want to be bothered.
I explained that didn't mean him and told him what I was dealing with everyday since I got home with my daily visits. Sadly, my mom is sliding fast and I'm not there to help but as I told him i'm only a phone call away. I'm unable to phisically help but can be there emotionally for them. Its a bit of feeling helpless right now but I have to be selfish and take care of myself right now. Thanks so much for keeping me in line with that reminder!!
Its a great feeling to be back here with all of you!! I've missed you all!!
I hope things are holding up for you, too. Everything going ok? You always sound so vibrant and chipper but for the fact that you've been so busy, I hope your taking time out for yourself!! Looking at the weekend ahead, find some relax time just for you!!
Take Care
Cindy
Bearygood
06-28-2008, 02:17 PM
Thanks, Cindy. I've been trying to find a rhythm to my life for a long time and let's just say that this dx kind of threw a wrench in the works! I am still catching up from a lot of things I let languish over the years (there have been other wrenches) and move forward at the same time. I'm doing okay physically but it's exhausting, mentally! I've been traveling intermittently over the past few months so things have been a little crazier than normal.
I'm really sorry about your mother, Cindy. It's hard to deal with an ailing parent and also the parent who becomes the primary caregiver. A lot of support is needed in and from your family all the way around right now. I totally understand how emotionally taxing this can be.
I'm really sorry about your mother, Cindy. It's hard to deal with an ailing parent and also the parent who becomes the primary caregiver. A lot of support is needed in and from your family all the way around right now. I totally understand how emotionally taxing this can be.
cindys601
06-28-2008, 02:50 PM
Hi Bearygood~
Life definately knows how to deliver curveballs when we least expect them LOL!! Just when things seem to be going in a possitive direction and we get back up on our feet again, we're bound to get another. It definately has a way of challenging our wills. I guess its just lifes way of making us stronger.
Your job and traveling must take its toll though. And I can certainly relate to the mental exhaustion. Sometimes that can be more tiring than physical exurstion. I find focusing on other things takes my mind out of the crazy!! I carry sodoku puzzle books every where so I can zone out. Keeps my brain active and at the same time, I don't think too much about the stress around me.
Thanks for your warm thoughts around my mom. Its so hard watching her decline. I am trying to find exceptance to it all and not jump in and overdue, just let the other members of the family step up. Its not easy because they all make excuses why they can't pull together. But my dad and I talked and I told him when the time comes and my mom is no longer with us, both he and I will have no regrets or guilt because we did all we could for her. The rest of the family, unfortunately, won't be able to move on so freely from guilt, I'm afraid. It was nice to hear my dad say that I should pat myself on the back for all I've done for my mom and that I was a good daughter to her. That closure definately makes it easier to let go and just hope my mom is living comfortable.
Have a great weekend Bearygood and do something nice for youself!! You deserve it!!
cindy
Life definately knows how to deliver curveballs when we least expect them LOL!! Just when things seem to be going in a possitive direction and we get back up on our feet again, we're bound to get another. It definately has a way of challenging our wills. I guess its just lifes way of making us stronger.
Your job and traveling must take its toll though. And I can certainly relate to the mental exhaustion. Sometimes that can be more tiring than physical exurstion. I find focusing on other things takes my mind out of the crazy!! I carry sodoku puzzle books every where so I can zone out. Keeps my brain active and at the same time, I don't think too much about the stress around me.
Thanks for your warm thoughts around my mom. Its so hard watching her decline. I am trying to find exceptance to it all and not jump in and overdue, just let the other members of the family step up. Its not easy because they all make excuses why they can't pull together. But my dad and I talked and I told him when the time comes and my mom is no longer with us, both he and I will have no regrets or guilt because we did all we could for her. The rest of the family, unfortunately, won't be able to move on so freely from guilt, I'm afraid. It was nice to hear my dad say that I should pat myself on the back for all I've done for my mom and that I was a good daughter to her. That closure definately makes it easier to let go and just hope my mom is living comfortable.
Have a great weekend Bearygood and do something nice for youself!! You deserve it!!
cindy
Bearygood
06-28-2008, 04:40 PM
Life definately knows how to deliver curveballs when we least expect them LOL!!
Trust me, I know it!! :rolleyes:
I am glad you're having this dialogue with your father, Cindy. I'm sure it's very helpful to him as well. I think he must have a tremendous amount of admiration for his daughter! :angel:
Trust me, I know it!! :rolleyes:
I am glad you're having this dialogue with your father, Cindy. I'm sure it's very helpful to him as well. I think he must have a tremendous amount of admiration for his daughter! :angel:
april1848
06-28-2008, 11:46 PM
Cindy, you and your family are in my prayers daily. Reading about your conversation with your dad gave me tears in my eyes--I think it's wonderful, and I think your mother is very lucky to have both of you!
My grandfather passed away last year, and it was terrible for me. He was the first person I'd lost that meant so much. Our family had no guilt either; we all, especially my awesome grandmother, did everything that could have been done. Also, he was a very sweet man and he was very loved by his family! He was also a social butterfly, and had more friends than anyone else I've ever met. It has been very hard, especially during holidays, but there are no nasty feelings--we just miss him so much.
Talk about life throwing curveballs! The day after his funeral was the day I got diagnosed with MS--I had gone for the deciding MRI the morning he passed away. It was a lot to deal with at once, but I'm glad that at least Grandpa never knew I had MS. I'm also glad that I got married at home instead of eloping like I had planned; I actually got married on a little beach on my aunt's property, so it was a very family-oriented affair! I wanted both he and my father to walk me down the aisle, but he was too ill to do it. I'm his oldest grandchild (most of my cousins are at least 20 years younger than me) and my Grandma said that it made him so happy to see me get married! He was sick at that time, so there was no way I was eloping! It's things like that why I have no bitterness over his death.
Most of our family was with him constantly when he was dying, talk about hearts breaking! On the last day I saw him, he woke up for a moment. My grandma told him that I was there. He looked at me and said "she looks like the Madonna. She's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen". Those words will be in my heart for the rest of my life.
Even though it was terribly hard time for me and for the rest of the family, especially Grandma, it was also precious. We were very close, and I'm glad I spent so much time with him at the end. He had such a full life and meant so much to so many people, that I feel honored just to have known him, let alone being his granddaughter! There was something sacred, and peaceful, during his dying, and his death. This was a man with no regrets.
The worst part of him dying is that all his grandkids, except for me and my little sister, were too young to really know him. My little cousins look up to me and consider me their aunt rather than cousin. So I am blessed in that I can tell my cousins about him, and he won't be just a distant memory. That would be the biggest shame of all. If I tell the little ones about him, his memory will live on, and I really want that. After all, this man taught me how to fish, we rode the scariest roller coasters together, and he played with me when I was little, and was lots of fun. It pains me that my many little cousins will never experience that. Nobody is really gone unless they are forgotten!
Sorry so long, I didn't start out with the purpose of revisiting my grandpa's death! Your thread just made me think of it a lot, and it's hard to stop writing about someone you really love. If it will make you feel better, share some stories with us about your mom's life--that way she won't ever be gone! Bless you and she, and you are all in my prayers!
My grandfather passed away last year, and it was terrible for me. He was the first person I'd lost that meant so much. Our family had no guilt either; we all, especially my awesome grandmother, did everything that could have been done. Also, he was a very sweet man and he was very loved by his family! He was also a social butterfly, and had more friends than anyone else I've ever met. It has been very hard, especially during holidays, but there are no nasty feelings--we just miss him so much.
Talk about life throwing curveballs! The day after his funeral was the day I got diagnosed with MS--I had gone for the deciding MRI the morning he passed away. It was a lot to deal with at once, but I'm glad that at least Grandpa never knew I had MS. I'm also glad that I got married at home instead of eloping like I had planned; I actually got married on a little beach on my aunt's property, so it was a very family-oriented affair! I wanted both he and my father to walk me down the aisle, but he was too ill to do it. I'm his oldest grandchild (most of my cousins are at least 20 years younger than me) and my Grandma said that it made him so happy to see me get married! He was sick at that time, so there was no way I was eloping! It's things like that why I have no bitterness over his death.
Most of our family was with him constantly when he was dying, talk about hearts breaking! On the last day I saw him, he woke up for a moment. My grandma told him that I was there. He looked at me and said "she looks like the Madonna. She's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen". Those words will be in my heart for the rest of my life.
Even though it was terribly hard time for me and for the rest of the family, especially Grandma, it was also precious. We were very close, and I'm glad I spent so much time with him at the end. He had such a full life and meant so much to so many people, that I feel honored just to have known him, let alone being his granddaughter! There was something sacred, and peaceful, during his dying, and his death. This was a man with no regrets.
The worst part of him dying is that all his grandkids, except for me and my little sister, were too young to really know him. My little cousins look up to me and consider me their aunt rather than cousin. So I am blessed in that I can tell my cousins about him, and he won't be just a distant memory. That would be the biggest shame of all. If I tell the little ones about him, his memory will live on, and I really want that. After all, this man taught me how to fish, we rode the scariest roller coasters together, and he played with me when I was little, and was lots of fun. It pains me that my many little cousins will never experience that. Nobody is really gone unless they are forgotten!
Sorry so long, I didn't start out with the purpose of revisiting my grandpa's death! Your thread just made me think of it a lot, and it's hard to stop writing about someone you really love. If it will make you feel better, share some stories with us about your mom's life--that way she won't ever be gone! Bless you and she, and you are all in my prayers!
cindys601
06-29-2008, 01:00 PM
Hi April~
I read your post and could feel so much love you had for your grandfather. As I got to the end, it just brought me to tears because you made me realize that as they age, we know it wont be forever. So its not the loss we need to focus on at all, its the memories of them that we will cherish forever in our hearts!! Thanks so much for helping me see that.
You were very fortunate that you were able to create some great memories with him while he was sick. And what a beautiful thing to remember him calling you the madonna. You know you meant so much to him. So your memories you hold are forever precious!!
I worry that because I'm sick and unable to be with my Mom very much at this time in my life, that I will lose out on those memories that I can cherish. I have chiari Malformation and my ability to be upright causes me tremendous pain. Before surgery, my quality of life was greatly affected. Now just after surgery, I am trying to gain back my stregnth and can't do much.
I talk to my mom every day and tell her how much I love her but being unable to be with her is so very frustrating. This is one reason why I was unsure to go through with my surgery, but I knew I had to take care of my health as well. So all I can ask for is just a little more time for me to heal and be able to spend some time with my mom.
I remember when I was a little girl and she told me that one day, everyone dies. I couldn't even THINK about losing her, it was too painful. But as I watch her suffering, I have dealt with the fact that I will not only lose my mom but also my very best friend. But instead of being selfish and wanting her with me forever, I just want to see her comfortable and accept that She will someday be a free of her pain.
Those curveballs we are given, such as your dx so close to his death, are ways to make us stronger and see that the simple things in life are the things most important. Your story truely touched my heart, April.
Thank you for sharing it with me
cindy
I read your post and could feel so much love you had for your grandfather. As I got to the end, it just brought me to tears because you made me realize that as they age, we know it wont be forever. So its not the loss we need to focus on at all, its the memories of them that we will cherish forever in our hearts!! Thanks so much for helping me see that.
You were very fortunate that you were able to create some great memories with him while he was sick. And what a beautiful thing to remember him calling you the madonna. You know you meant so much to him. So your memories you hold are forever precious!!
I worry that because I'm sick and unable to be with my Mom very much at this time in my life, that I will lose out on those memories that I can cherish. I have chiari Malformation and my ability to be upright causes me tremendous pain. Before surgery, my quality of life was greatly affected. Now just after surgery, I am trying to gain back my stregnth and can't do much.
I talk to my mom every day and tell her how much I love her but being unable to be with her is so very frustrating. This is one reason why I was unsure to go through with my surgery, but I knew I had to take care of my health as well. So all I can ask for is just a little more time for me to heal and be able to spend some time with my mom.
I remember when I was a little girl and she told me that one day, everyone dies. I couldn't even THINK about losing her, it was too painful. But as I watch her suffering, I have dealt with the fact that I will not only lose my mom but also my very best friend. But instead of being selfish and wanting her with me forever, I just want to see her comfortable and accept that She will someday be a free of her pain.
Those curveballs we are given, such as your dx so close to his death, are ways to make us stronger and see that the simple things in life are the things most important. Your story truely touched my heart, April.
Thank you for sharing it with me
cindy
Moldova
06-30-2008, 10:58 AM
Best of luck on your recovery!:angel:
Take care!
Take care!
april1848
06-30-2008, 08:42 PM
Cindy, thanks for letting me go on about my grandpa! I couldn't help it. Even with your illnesses and this recovery from surgery, you have tons of great memories about your Mother, and the fact that you talk to her everyday and tell her you love her is big. There are so many unfortunate people who die completely alone, with nobody that loves them--take comfort in the fact that you're mom isn't one of them! And you have no ailment that will keep you from communicating her story to others. I see these as great blessings. I hope that when it's my time to go, I'll have the same kind of love your mom has.
You are truly right in that the curveballs make us stronger. They certainly put everything in perspective! When my husband had a heart attack three months before our wedding, and the wedding invitations came out a disaster and had to be redone, I didn't give two figs. The invitation folks were a bit mystified at how little I cared about my wedding invitations! And it seems that with every tiny hurdle, we gain a lot more perspective.
I hope your recovery is swift! I'll have to read about Chiari; I don't know much about it. I pray that you recover well enough so that you can be with your mom a little bit. Bless you!
You are truly right in that the curveballs make us stronger. They certainly put everything in perspective! When my husband had a heart attack three months before our wedding, and the wedding invitations came out a disaster and had to be redone, I didn't give two figs. The invitation folks were a bit mystified at how little I cared about my wedding invitations! And it seems that with every tiny hurdle, we gain a lot more perspective.
I hope your recovery is swift! I'll have to read about Chiari; I don't know much about it. I pray that you recover well enough so that you can be with your mom a little bit. Bless you!