MSNik
06-24-2008, 05:25 PM
Hi guys.. alot of you have been thru situations where you have had to accept your MS as being a limitation...can I ask- HOW DO YOU DO THAT?
As many of you know, Ive accepted that I cant keep doing the kind of work im doing much longer; except that I didnt get the job until 18 months ago, it is the biggest thing that ever happened to me professionally, and I got it based on my MBA, which I had to finish a month after finding out I had MS...the job wouldnt have come, without the education.
Now, im facing an interview on Thursday, for a part-time job, where my education isnt key to what Ill be doing...the money isnt bad, and the hours arent either- but the job is a dead end and I know it to be a fact..its a contractor position for only 1 year. My husband is freaking out on me screaming about how Im going backwards..he is really concerned about the paycut, which is going to be drastic...and he is reminding me every day that the school loans which I havent paid off yet, and going to kill us! Actually, my husband couldnt be any LESS supportive of me right now. Its killing me.
But I keep telling myself that with MS, we have limits...and that other people have learned to accept it- why cant I? I dont know how, thats for sure..so, Im asking any of you who have faced this- how do you prove your worth when you feel so entirely worthless?
Nikki
As many of you know, Ive accepted that I cant keep doing the kind of work im doing much longer; except that I didnt get the job until 18 months ago, it is the biggest thing that ever happened to me professionally, and I got it based on my MBA, which I had to finish a month after finding out I had MS...the job wouldnt have come, without the education.
Now, im facing an interview on Thursday, for a part-time job, where my education isnt key to what Ill be doing...the money isnt bad, and the hours arent either- but the job is a dead end and I know it to be a fact..its a contractor position for only 1 year. My husband is freaking out on me screaming about how Im going backwards..he is really concerned about the paycut, which is going to be drastic...and he is reminding me every day that the school loans which I havent paid off yet, and going to kill us! Actually, my husband couldnt be any LESS supportive of me right now. Its killing me.
But I keep telling myself that with MS, we have limits...and that other people have learned to accept it- why cant I? I dont know how, thats for sure..so, Im asking any of you who have faced this- how do you prove your worth when you feel so entirely worthless?
Nikki
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Filipinone
06-24-2008, 05:50 PM
Nikki
You've been extremely supportive on this message board; it's time to get some support back.
After I told my supervisor that I had MS and was going to start taking the Avonex shots he had already had plans to terminate my employment. I was upset but figured I could get another job within a week.
4 months later with Unemployment helping me and landing a temp to hire job and my husband putting me on his health plan I was able to start the Avonex, I was feeling that I couldn't live up to the company's expectations.
I really think the Avonex helped me lose my self worth, but my former co-worker who also has MS called me. I told him my situation and within seconds I was in tears. It was almost like I could cry on call! But after I dried the tears he asked me who was able to do this and who completed the work that I did. YES, I DID IT.
He was able to put my head on straight in thinking I've been in my position for 10 years, and being diagnosed with MS 3 years ago won't take that away from me. You have the work experience that you have and can use it as your strength.
These issues are just additional hurdles that you can get over. You know your limitations but you can still be successful if you stay within those limitations.
Hang in there.
Lisa
You've been extremely supportive on this message board; it's time to get some support back.
After I told my supervisor that I had MS and was going to start taking the Avonex shots he had already had plans to terminate my employment. I was upset but figured I could get another job within a week.
4 months later with Unemployment helping me and landing a temp to hire job and my husband putting me on his health plan I was able to start the Avonex, I was feeling that I couldn't live up to the company's expectations.
I really think the Avonex helped me lose my self worth, but my former co-worker who also has MS called me. I told him my situation and within seconds I was in tears. It was almost like I could cry on call! But after I dried the tears he asked me who was able to do this and who completed the work that I did. YES, I DID IT.
He was able to put my head on straight in thinking I've been in my position for 10 years, and being diagnosed with MS 3 years ago won't take that away from me. You have the work experience that you have and can use it as your strength.
These issues are just additional hurdles that you can get over. You know your limitations but you can still be successful if you stay within those limitations.
Hang in there.
Lisa
april1848
06-24-2008, 06:46 PM
First of all, good luck with the interview! And of course you can keep looking when you get the job, if you're not happy there.
You know my story very well. I took a substantial "cut" in my status at my new job. I haven't had to answer to anyone but the CEO in seven years, and now I have three people above me. It is more of a challenge than I had originally thought. However, it has paid off big time as far as my health goes. I haven't felt this well in years, and the only constant symptom I have now is fatigue.
It was hard for me to accept my limitations at my last job, but even harder to accept other people's perception of my limitations--most of which I didn't have! This is something I still struggle with. If I run the vacuum, my legs turn to jelly, things like that. I know you know how hard it is to get a husband to suddenly start pitching in. I'm still in the process of learning and accepting my limitations, and I don't see an end soon!
When I feel worthless, and I do sometimes, I remind myself of what makes me unique and special, to myself, the creator, and to others. Your career should not define your sense of self-worth, not at all, and it took me quite a while to learn that too.
A good friend of mine told me yesterday that I deserve an award for doing all the stuff I do while having MS. I think that's true of everyone on this board. MS does not define us, but I know for me, it has made me stronger, and I've learned (and will continue to learn) more about myself than I ever thought I would. MS has made me a better person, in so many ways.
I think our mission in life is to be the very best we can be, with the mind and body that we were supplied with. We have MS, but we are not worthless at all, and we can do a lot of things. Even those who are wheelchair bound, with sight and speech issues, can think beautiful thoughts, give wonderful advice, contribute to the world, and leave this world a better place than how they found it.
As for you in particular, no matter what your husband or your sense of self-worth are telling you, you have lots of worth! Look at how many people you have helped on this board, including me. I think you were the first one to respond to me when I first posted, and I was ignorant and terrified. And what you do on this board is just a small facet of your life. You have lots of worth to me!
Don't think of taking a "lesser" job as taking a step backward. It's a step forward, for your health and happiness. Been there, done that. And you know what the good part is about "downgrading" a job, at least for me? Your new coworkers and bosses will be amazed and thrilled at your capabilities. I've been getting very positive comments from my new coworkers, and the higher-ups are now giving me projects, without even consulting my supervisor! This has been a huge boost to my self-confidence, which was severely lacking, and I know it will be for you too.
I like to think of myself lying on my death bed. What will I regret, what will I wish I would have done, what didn't matter at all? Ask yourself those questions, and you'll get some very good answers.
(Insert four letter word here) your limitations. Focus on all the awesome things you can do, and there are a lot! And please know that you are not worthless at all; there is a girl in Ohio who might not have made it through the beginnings of MS without you.
You know my story very well. I took a substantial "cut" in my status at my new job. I haven't had to answer to anyone but the CEO in seven years, and now I have three people above me. It is more of a challenge than I had originally thought. However, it has paid off big time as far as my health goes. I haven't felt this well in years, and the only constant symptom I have now is fatigue.
It was hard for me to accept my limitations at my last job, but even harder to accept other people's perception of my limitations--most of which I didn't have! This is something I still struggle with. If I run the vacuum, my legs turn to jelly, things like that. I know you know how hard it is to get a husband to suddenly start pitching in. I'm still in the process of learning and accepting my limitations, and I don't see an end soon!
When I feel worthless, and I do sometimes, I remind myself of what makes me unique and special, to myself, the creator, and to others. Your career should not define your sense of self-worth, not at all, and it took me quite a while to learn that too.
A good friend of mine told me yesterday that I deserve an award for doing all the stuff I do while having MS. I think that's true of everyone on this board. MS does not define us, but I know for me, it has made me stronger, and I've learned (and will continue to learn) more about myself than I ever thought I would. MS has made me a better person, in so many ways.
I think our mission in life is to be the very best we can be, with the mind and body that we were supplied with. We have MS, but we are not worthless at all, and we can do a lot of things. Even those who are wheelchair bound, with sight and speech issues, can think beautiful thoughts, give wonderful advice, contribute to the world, and leave this world a better place than how they found it.
As for you in particular, no matter what your husband or your sense of self-worth are telling you, you have lots of worth! Look at how many people you have helped on this board, including me. I think you were the first one to respond to me when I first posted, and I was ignorant and terrified. And what you do on this board is just a small facet of your life. You have lots of worth to me!
Don't think of taking a "lesser" job as taking a step backward. It's a step forward, for your health and happiness. Been there, done that. And you know what the good part is about "downgrading" a job, at least for me? Your new coworkers and bosses will be amazed and thrilled at your capabilities. I've been getting very positive comments from my new coworkers, and the higher-ups are now giving me projects, without even consulting my supervisor! This has been a huge boost to my self-confidence, which was severely lacking, and I know it will be for you too.
I like to think of myself lying on my death bed. What will I regret, what will I wish I would have done, what didn't matter at all? Ask yourself those questions, and you'll get some very good answers.
(Insert four letter word here) your limitations. Focus on all the awesome things you can do, and there are a lot! And please know that you are not worthless at all; there is a girl in Ohio who might not have made it through the beginnings of MS without you.
MSJayhawk
06-24-2008, 07:04 PM
How much is enough? How much do we really need? How big does our home need to be? How many clothes does one need?
I faced questions, but my health and being there for my family surpassed the need of a nice salary. I shed many of my material things, relied on less money, moved away from the city, and eliminated 75% of my closet.....and I am blessed.
Perhaps you should lay out your situation like this: I can take disability and make the following each month or I can work part-time and make the following. A third choice is a loss of you and your income. If you work yourself to death, who benefits? No one benefits from your untimely demise.
Choices are difficult to make. You will likely have to get out a pencil and start budgeting carefully. Can you manage it? I am sure you can. As to future job prospects, if you are able, please look beyond your area. Is there a need for you to remain where you are? Can you find a good job in a lower cost of living area and move into a less expensive home? You will need to answer these questions.
I moved from a good salary and a nice home in LA to the sticks of our family farm. This is not my final move because we will move again so I can chaperone my youngest son to college in 2 years. Where will that be? Well, that depends on the university that offers him the best opportunity. The house? Four walls and a roof is more than millions around the world enjoy. Consider the many blessings you enjoy.
I faced questions, but my health and being there for my family surpassed the need of a nice salary. I shed many of my material things, relied on less money, moved away from the city, and eliminated 75% of my closet.....and I am blessed.
Perhaps you should lay out your situation like this: I can take disability and make the following each month or I can work part-time and make the following. A third choice is a loss of you and your income. If you work yourself to death, who benefits? No one benefits from your untimely demise.
Choices are difficult to make. You will likely have to get out a pencil and start budgeting carefully. Can you manage it? I am sure you can. As to future job prospects, if you are able, please look beyond your area. Is there a need for you to remain where you are? Can you find a good job in a lower cost of living area and move into a less expensive home? You will need to answer these questions.
I moved from a good salary and a nice home in LA to the sticks of our family farm. This is not my final move because we will move again so I can chaperone my youngest son to college in 2 years. Where will that be? Well, that depends on the university that offers him the best opportunity. The house? Four walls and a roof is more than millions around the world enjoy. Consider the many blessings you enjoy.
MSNik
06-24-2008, 07:08 PM
April, your post made me cry..thank you for making me realize that I matter. Right now, Im having serious doubts about it...
As for what you actually wrote, I know that you are right. And, I have asked myself that very question about what I would be thinking on my death bed, the scary answer is that I find it hard to answer it...sometimes, I think Ill regret allowing myself to ever feel less than substantial in this world because I know I made an impression on many people...but other times I think that I have no regrets, that Ive accomplished more than I ever knew I could. I also wonder if Ive made the right choice in my marriage.. I love this man more than I ever thought was possible, and Im good to him..but now- when I need him the most, is he really good to me or is it my wishful thinking and feeling of desperation which are allowing me to let him into my head and make me feel bad about myself? He says he loves me- he does do nice things now and then- and he puts up with alot...but, he also makes me feel like Im not the person he married a few short years ago.
I do remember your first post, April..and Im so proud of you for coming so far...youre as good at giving advice as you are at taking it..you have been an inspiration to me throughout the past few months, and is it silly to say "I want to be just like you with regards to my job"? I do..I hope for the very best for both of us..but you inspire me to realize that cutting back ISNT going backwards!
Thank you for being my favorite mirror.:p
Lisa, I dont know you well, but you obviously know me! Thank you for your thoughts...unfortunately, there is no way that unemployment is going to come into this, my boss has never paid it before and keeps a laywer on retainer just to prevent it from ever happening...as for being able to continue to do my job- its not likely. Im driving almost 200 miles a day, and on some days more like 300 miles.. I see more than ten accounts in an 8 hour day- and take more than 100 complaints throughout the day..I then deal with all of them both in my car and on my commute home and into the next morning..its too much stress, too much driving, too much troubleshooting...my brain isnt functioning at optimal levels, my body isnt cooperating either..and truth be told, I work for one of the most awful people in the world. I need to put this chapter behind me and move on...but admitting that, is really hard. Its especially difficult because my husband is reminding me daily of what I promised him (while I was in school and before we got married) and he is using it to hurt me...that isnt love, and Im more disgusted and shocked then anything else right now....this, from a man who promises he loves me more than life?
But, I apprciate the sentiment behind what you wrote and appreciate that you think Im good for something (dishing out feedback!) that means more to me then you know..
Thank you BOTH
nikki
As for what you actually wrote, I know that you are right. And, I have asked myself that very question about what I would be thinking on my death bed, the scary answer is that I find it hard to answer it...sometimes, I think Ill regret allowing myself to ever feel less than substantial in this world because I know I made an impression on many people...but other times I think that I have no regrets, that Ive accomplished more than I ever knew I could. I also wonder if Ive made the right choice in my marriage.. I love this man more than I ever thought was possible, and Im good to him..but now- when I need him the most, is he really good to me or is it my wishful thinking and feeling of desperation which are allowing me to let him into my head and make me feel bad about myself? He says he loves me- he does do nice things now and then- and he puts up with alot...but, he also makes me feel like Im not the person he married a few short years ago.
I do remember your first post, April..and Im so proud of you for coming so far...youre as good at giving advice as you are at taking it..you have been an inspiration to me throughout the past few months, and is it silly to say "I want to be just like you with regards to my job"? I do..I hope for the very best for both of us..but you inspire me to realize that cutting back ISNT going backwards!
Thank you for being my favorite mirror.:p
Lisa, I dont know you well, but you obviously know me! Thank you for your thoughts...unfortunately, there is no way that unemployment is going to come into this, my boss has never paid it before and keeps a laywer on retainer just to prevent it from ever happening...as for being able to continue to do my job- its not likely. Im driving almost 200 miles a day, and on some days more like 300 miles.. I see more than ten accounts in an 8 hour day- and take more than 100 complaints throughout the day..I then deal with all of them both in my car and on my commute home and into the next morning..its too much stress, too much driving, too much troubleshooting...my brain isnt functioning at optimal levels, my body isnt cooperating either..and truth be told, I work for one of the most awful people in the world. I need to put this chapter behind me and move on...but admitting that, is really hard. Its especially difficult because my husband is reminding me daily of what I promised him (while I was in school and before we got married) and he is using it to hurt me...that isnt love, and Im more disgusted and shocked then anything else right now....this, from a man who promises he loves me more than life?
But, I apprciate the sentiment behind what you wrote and appreciate that you think Im good for something (dishing out feedback!) that means more to me then you know..
Thank you BOTH
nikki
Canadian gal
06-24-2008, 10:08 PM
I'm not going to try to kid you . . . it's very hard to make this change, especially if it still feels you really have a choice in the 'decision'. You really don't have much choice though, and that's probably the only way to come to grips with this . . . even if it does cause anger and resentment.
The very first thing my neurologist said to me was "reduce stress", ie. get out of management. It took me a year to reckon with that advice, and I even tested it again after about 5 yrs of doing really well.
I had been in mgmt for several years already when I was told about the MS, but had only finished my education 4 yrs earlier. I too spent a lot of money getting my credentials, and having to give up my grandious dreams (and pay) was a very hard pill to swallow. In fact, I think reaching that acceptance has been the hardest adjustment I've had to make throughout this whole disease process.
It may be that you have to take something below your capacity right now, just to get away from this job and stress . . . but then you can re-evaluate this again when this contract runs out. Right now the priority is finding something with very little stress, and trying to stabilize for a while.
I think your husband isn't being very supportive, and I wonder if he might understand better if you could try to put him in your position. Yes, it's going to be a financial struggle, but what part of you needing to slow down does he not understand?
Can you reduce some of your costs to make this work? Or, could he go out and find a job that pays HIM more money? That's what a partnership is all about, it's it?
Cherie
The very first thing my neurologist said to me was "reduce stress", ie. get out of management. It took me a year to reckon with that advice, and I even tested it again after about 5 yrs of doing really well.
I had been in mgmt for several years already when I was told about the MS, but had only finished my education 4 yrs earlier. I too spent a lot of money getting my credentials, and having to give up my grandious dreams (and pay) was a very hard pill to swallow. In fact, I think reaching that acceptance has been the hardest adjustment I've had to make throughout this whole disease process.
It may be that you have to take something below your capacity right now, just to get away from this job and stress . . . but then you can re-evaluate this again when this contract runs out. Right now the priority is finding something with very little stress, and trying to stabilize for a while.
I think your husband isn't being very supportive, and I wonder if he might understand better if you could try to put him in your position. Yes, it's going to be a financial struggle, but what part of you needing to slow down does he not understand?
Can you reduce some of your costs to make this work? Or, could he go out and find a job that pays HIM more money? That's what a partnership is all about, it's it?
Cherie
kimpossible67
06-24-2008, 10:53 PM
Nik, it isn't helping you that your husband is being less than supportive of not only you, but your disease. It sounds like you are feeling so much pressure to be "normal" and you AREN'T. You have a chronic and lifelong disease. How do you adjust to limitations? I had to stop a job that I loved and basically defined me. Time was all that could heal that wound. I felt less than and unproductive and well, useless. After awhile when life changes, you just eventually change with it. Now my life is much different but full nonetheless. Did I ever think that would happen? Never. Between my MS and my divorce, I felt so hopeless. Life is good it's just different. My impression of you is that you never say die and you aim for the stars. Just because you can't reach quite as far into the sky for the star you want, doesn't mean you aren't you. Your just you with limitations. Your just you with MS. It doesn't have to define you but it IS a part of who you are now. I don't envy your position and especially with a knuckle dragging neanderthal (sorry) that is yelling and demanding. Girl, be who you are but don't let the masses beat you down or up because you can't live up to THEIR expectations.
MSNik
06-25-2008, 12:36 AM
Jayhawk, thank you - you always have such a positive attitude and I appreciate you so much...unfortunatley, alot of what you said, cant be changed..for instance, we live in a 2 bedroom condo- and have 5 people living in it on weekends...its only 900 sq feet- cant get much smaller than that....we cannot, by law, move out of state because of my husband's children,who we share custody of...right now, we cant even move out of the school district. Also, due to my husband's job, we have to live within city limits- and when we tried to get out of that legally, we were told forget it...since we are completly dependent on his Union for both my health insurance, and his (pulmonary issues)- we are stuck abiding by their rules..
However, I have actually made the decision to cut out everything and anything which can be cut out...we already gave up our landline phone and cable TV...not sure what else we can live without, utility wise..but I will take everything you said and keep it close to my heart..thank you so much for reminding me of what I do have.
hugs
Nikki
However, I have actually made the decision to cut out everything and anything which can be cut out...we already gave up our landline phone and cable TV...not sure what else we can live without, utility wise..but I will take everything you said and keep it close to my heart..thank you so much for reminding me of what I do have.
hugs
Nikki
MSNik
06-25-2008, 12:44 AM
Cherie and Kim..
first, Cherie, I couldnt have said it better myself..you really hit the nail on the head and we are much alike, in professional ways and thoughts...yes, it is defining who I am, this crazy job which I love- and hate...and its horrible that Im letting it happen..but, when I started out with nothing, I told myself that someday, Id be doing this..and now I am...and now, I cant. Not really.
You really said a mouthful when you said that I need to realize that I honestly DONT have a say in this decision..much as everyone around me thinks im superwoman, doing "so well" with the MS- Im not doing as well as the world believes, and its time I started cutting myself a break over that very fact.
The stuff you said about my husband finding a better job and reducing costs..we are working on reducing costs..but a better job is not to be had..he's a Union man thru and thru and a stubborn (what did you call it Kim, neandrothol?!) at that...but the Union is paying an awful lot to keep us both in health insurance (husband has silicosis from 911 demolition) and we are in dire need of keeping those benefits..plus, obligated to stay in this school district, due to his partial custody of his children...however, Im not in anyway contracted to kill myself trying to "keep up" with everyone's demands, am I??
Kim, you put that part into perspective..I know how much youve been thru and appreciate all of what you say...and your absolutely right about your impression of me...I will try to set my own expectations alittle lower, then maybe Ill have the strength to stand up for who I am and what i can do...
thank you both, your insight was very reassuring..
Hugs
Nikki
first, Cherie, I couldnt have said it better myself..you really hit the nail on the head and we are much alike, in professional ways and thoughts...yes, it is defining who I am, this crazy job which I love- and hate...and its horrible that Im letting it happen..but, when I started out with nothing, I told myself that someday, Id be doing this..and now I am...and now, I cant. Not really.
You really said a mouthful when you said that I need to realize that I honestly DONT have a say in this decision..much as everyone around me thinks im superwoman, doing "so well" with the MS- Im not doing as well as the world believes, and its time I started cutting myself a break over that very fact.
The stuff you said about my husband finding a better job and reducing costs..we are working on reducing costs..but a better job is not to be had..he's a Union man thru and thru and a stubborn (what did you call it Kim, neandrothol?!) at that...but the Union is paying an awful lot to keep us both in health insurance (husband has silicosis from 911 demolition) and we are in dire need of keeping those benefits..plus, obligated to stay in this school district, due to his partial custody of his children...however, Im not in anyway contracted to kill myself trying to "keep up" with everyone's demands, am I??
Kim, you put that part into perspective..I know how much youve been thru and appreciate all of what you say...and your absolutely right about your impression of me...I will try to set my own expectations alittle lower, then maybe Ill have the strength to stand up for who I am and what i can do...
thank you both, your insight was very reassuring..
Hugs
Nikki
cindys601
06-25-2008, 02:57 AM
Nikki~
I have been following your posts and your struggles these last few months and just needed to drop in and share my heart with you!!
You, my dear friend are an inspiration to so many of us here. Worthless is something you are so NOT!! This breaks my heart to hear you in this situation your in. We can all offer advice but only YOU have the ability to make changes and know what will work for you. But, believe in yourself and while making changes, decide what things will be good when those changes are made.
A year ago, I was right in your situation and if it wasn't for you, Nikki, I would have never found the stregnth or self worth to give up my buisiness. If you remember, I was my only provider for me and my kids because it was "safe".
My 2nd marriage was just that. It was a piece of paper. I struggled so much with having to lean on him and not be financially independant. But you gave me the stregnth to let go. That decision I made has changed my life and only for the better!!
I found out that not only was Bob a husband on paper but he "truly" loves and supports me. And now that our marriage is more entwined because we both share the burden of making our financial situation work, I am free!! Free to take care of myself, my family in the way I never could because I was always too busy working, and free from the burden of not being able to open my heart and trust again after my 1st marriage. What a feeling!!
I'm fortunate that I still recieve child support, I sell on line too but the medical bills are piling high but we are both ok with that. We'll find a way because we are doing it together now.
Bob has been my second inspiration next to you. We both realize that when an illness hits, life is precious!! Its not what we own, its what we have to give. I now am at home healing, and always tell myself that this illness happened for a reason. My work and career didn't define who I was. I just hid behind that because of my fears.
Today, i am sick but very truly happy!! I can now take the time to enjoy life, what it has to offer and my family. THATS what matters.
Ya know, when my kids were small and for years after theyr'e father left, we were so poor and had nothing. I used to tape boxes together on my living room floor and we created tunnels and decorated them. I had no money to buy them toys or even the basic necessities. So I strived to pull us out of that hole financially because it was just an awful way to live in my eyes.
Things were so much better financially for the last 4-5 years and I bought my kids everything the're little hearts desired. But when I told my kids I was leaving my job to take care of myself and financially, we would have to give up the finer things in life, I never saw 3 kids so eager to help figure out what they could do without in the process.
They got online and researched strategies of changing plans and such to save money. They told me that they were happier when we were dirt poor because at least then, they had they're mom. Not a carreer woman. THAT puts things into perspective!!
What worries me is that you don't have that emotional support from your husband and instead of trying to find a salution, your made to feel guily. Thats not a good place to be in. You need support, nikki so surround yourself with only those that support your decision to change your situation.
Know that here, you are a much needed force and THATS one reson you were chosen to bear this illness. Because to are so good at helping others make the life changes they need to make. Your just not so good at following your heart and doing whats right for you.
Remember, you are the one with this illness and you have to learn to be a bit selfish. Put yourself 1st because you have no choice. Once you set this in motion, the rest starts to fall into place!!
And I just want to show my appreciation for the way you helped save my life!! You are worth more than you know...
Good luck with that interview. And if this will better your health, go for it Nikki.
One last bit I wanted to share was when I found out my childrens father was abusing them, I emediately went to the courts that day and filed a restraing order to protect them. Because thats what I needed to do. I had no choice. But when my day was over, I cried my heart out!!
I had 3 young children, 2 1/2 to 7 years old.
I also had a mortgage, I had no job, my car was in the garage and not working. My life was a mess but for the sake of my kids, I did it and survived. One day my oldest son and I were sitting outside and life was very poor but was now very peacefull and unthreatened. He asked me why I stayed with they're father for so long. My response was that I was afraid of being alone and couldn't imagine how I could manage financially without him. But If I had to do it all over again, I'd pack you kids up in my car and just drive away. The rest we;d figure out later.
Though this story is nothing as your situation, it was an act of survival. And surviving is what is the most important thing you can own!! So find the stregnth to survive, then worry about the rest later...I did and we made it. And so will you because your strong!!
You'll be in my thoughts. You take care of #1!!
Big hugs to you
Cindy
I have been following your posts and your struggles these last few months and just needed to drop in and share my heart with you!!
You, my dear friend are an inspiration to so many of us here. Worthless is something you are so NOT!! This breaks my heart to hear you in this situation your in. We can all offer advice but only YOU have the ability to make changes and know what will work for you. But, believe in yourself and while making changes, decide what things will be good when those changes are made.
A year ago, I was right in your situation and if it wasn't for you, Nikki, I would have never found the stregnth or self worth to give up my buisiness. If you remember, I was my only provider for me and my kids because it was "safe".
My 2nd marriage was just that. It was a piece of paper. I struggled so much with having to lean on him and not be financially independant. But you gave me the stregnth to let go. That decision I made has changed my life and only for the better!!
I found out that not only was Bob a husband on paper but he "truly" loves and supports me. And now that our marriage is more entwined because we both share the burden of making our financial situation work, I am free!! Free to take care of myself, my family in the way I never could because I was always too busy working, and free from the burden of not being able to open my heart and trust again after my 1st marriage. What a feeling!!
I'm fortunate that I still recieve child support, I sell on line too but the medical bills are piling high but we are both ok with that. We'll find a way because we are doing it together now.
Bob has been my second inspiration next to you. We both realize that when an illness hits, life is precious!! Its not what we own, its what we have to give. I now am at home healing, and always tell myself that this illness happened for a reason. My work and career didn't define who I was. I just hid behind that because of my fears.
Today, i am sick but very truly happy!! I can now take the time to enjoy life, what it has to offer and my family. THATS what matters.
Ya know, when my kids were small and for years after theyr'e father left, we were so poor and had nothing. I used to tape boxes together on my living room floor and we created tunnels and decorated them. I had no money to buy them toys or even the basic necessities. So I strived to pull us out of that hole financially because it was just an awful way to live in my eyes.
Things were so much better financially for the last 4-5 years and I bought my kids everything the're little hearts desired. But when I told my kids I was leaving my job to take care of myself and financially, we would have to give up the finer things in life, I never saw 3 kids so eager to help figure out what they could do without in the process.
They got online and researched strategies of changing plans and such to save money. They told me that they were happier when we were dirt poor because at least then, they had they're mom. Not a carreer woman. THAT puts things into perspective!!
What worries me is that you don't have that emotional support from your husband and instead of trying to find a salution, your made to feel guily. Thats not a good place to be in. You need support, nikki so surround yourself with only those that support your decision to change your situation.
Know that here, you are a much needed force and THATS one reson you were chosen to bear this illness. Because to are so good at helping others make the life changes they need to make. Your just not so good at following your heart and doing whats right for you.
Remember, you are the one with this illness and you have to learn to be a bit selfish. Put yourself 1st because you have no choice. Once you set this in motion, the rest starts to fall into place!!
And I just want to show my appreciation for the way you helped save my life!! You are worth more than you know...
Good luck with that interview. And if this will better your health, go for it Nikki.
One last bit I wanted to share was when I found out my childrens father was abusing them, I emediately went to the courts that day and filed a restraing order to protect them. Because thats what I needed to do. I had no choice. But when my day was over, I cried my heart out!!
I had 3 young children, 2 1/2 to 7 years old.
I also had a mortgage, I had no job, my car was in the garage and not working. My life was a mess but for the sake of my kids, I did it and survived. One day my oldest son and I were sitting outside and life was very poor but was now very peacefull and unthreatened. He asked me why I stayed with they're father for so long. My response was that I was afraid of being alone and couldn't imagine how I could manage financially without him. But If I had to do it all over again, I'd pack you kids up in my car and just drive away. The rest we;d figure out later.
Though this story is nothing as your situation, it was an act of survival. And surviving is what is the most important thing you can own!! So find the stregnth to survive, then worry about the rest later...I did and we made it. And so will you because your strong!!
You'll be in my thoughts. You take care of #1!!
Big hugs to you
Cindy
MSNik
06-25-2008, 08:25 AM
Oh My Cindy..First of all, what the heck are you doing typing to me after the surgery you just went thru? I hope everyone who is reading this is as inspired as I am about your courage, your wisdom and - YOUR HEART.
You brought tears to my eyes...I cant believe that Im sitting here reading words like this from my virtual friend who is SO strong and SO smart and So right.
Thank you. I needed to hear this - and hearing it from you, really hit home.
Your story is amazing. I know Ive heard it before, but each time you share more details and prove once again how amazing life can be...
Im scared. I really am...I have let my job/title define me- it seemed like the best thing in the world when I was honored enough to get the job right out of school, and even HUGER that they promoted me within a few months to a Director-ship. BUT I also read your advice, and the advice of those before you and realize that this MS thing is ME, Too. I have to realize that there are two sides to my world. and your absolutely right, I am allowed to be selfish.
It blows my mind how many of you have told me that I made a difference in YOUR lives...Ive always told newbies that this board saved my life when I was first diagnosed...its time for me to change that and start saying "this board has saved my life over and over"...everyone here is so important to me, and so special - I wish I could express how important you all are..
Thank you, Cindy..thank you for taking the time to write what you wrote.
Are you feeling better? Are you up and about? You honestly, have never sounded stronger. Keep it up and know that you have much love in your world..
Hugs and Thanks
Nikki
You brought tears to my eyes...I cant believe that Im sitting here reading words like this from my virtual friend who is SO strong and SO smart and So right.
Thank you. I needed to hear this - and hearing it from you, really hit home.
Your story is amazing. I know Ive heard it before, but each time you share more details and prove once again how amazing life can be...
Im scared. I really am...I have let my job/title define me- it seemed like the best thing in the world when I was honored enough to get the job right out of school, and even HUGER that they promoted me within a few months to a Director-ship. BUT I also read your advice, and the advice of those before you and realize that this MS thing is ME, Too. I have to realize that there are two sides to my world. and your absolutely right, I am allowed to be selfish.
It blows my mind how many of you have told me that I made a difference in YOUR lives...Ive always told newbies that this board saved my life when I was first diagnosed...its time for me to change that and start saying "this board has saved my life over and over"...everyone here is so important to me, and so special - I wish I could express how important you all are..
Thank you, Cindy..thank you for taking the time to write what you wrote.
Are you feeling better? Are you up and about? You honestly, have never sounded stronger. Keep it up and know that you have much love in your world..
Hugs and Thanks
Nikki
Moldova
06-25-2008, 12:47 PM
Nikky,
as you know during last 2 years my life changed a lot. I had 2 lumbar spinal fusions which left me with a lots of disabilities, nerve damages, droped foot and severe pain 24/7.
Now I am being checked for MS and most likely my DR will put me on MS treatments.
I had the most wonderful job, I worked on Wall Street for a big financial Instutions (thanks to my MBA as well). This was a bread winner salary in my family despite the fact that my hubby works very hard.
I wouldn't ever give up on this job - it was good financially, it was good for me mentally and gave me a great deal feeling of achivement.
When after my first surgery failed and my surgeon sent me on disability due not be able to go back to work, I was fighting him, my husband and myself. I asked my boss 4 month after surgery if I can try. Well, I couldn't even make it 3 hours a day, no matter how much I pushed myself. Not much you can do if you can't sit, stand or walk for more than 10 minutes without laying down in a lots of pain.
I cried days and nights. I always was so strong, I had all total major different surgeries in my life, I leave my life with childhood RA - so what can stop me??? I always believed when life gives you lemons - make lemonade. I was plenty lemonade in my life, but I refuse to accept more lemons...
I was so lucky to have my family, my dear husband (my best friend) who supported me so much. I wouldn't be able to do all this without them.
We bought a house 2 years before my car accident (causing me damages and spinal surgeries), so we have morgage payments and like everybody else a lots of other payments. I was so scared; I thought we are going to loose my dream home after working so hard all our lives. My husband said: nobody dies from hunger here, money is not the most important thing in a world, we will survive.
WE made a lots of life changes (no vacations like we used to have), no eating out, renting movies instead of going to see one and so on...
Not easy, but we survive me being on disability and paying so much money for all co-pays to see DRs, co-pays for a lots of medications I and my husband are taking... Humans are much stronger than we think; also I believe in faight.
I also believe in mind and body healing; if you under so much stress and you are so unhappy - what good does it do to you? You many earn the money to pay the bills, but if you get sicker - you will have to pay more money to see DR, for meds...
My hubby had cancer and he has diabeties right now with some kidney damage from it... And he still insisted, he was fighting me to listen to my DRs and to my body... I was stubborn despite the fact that my body is still not functioning because I was scared : what happens to us...
I bet that is what your husband goes through right now: he is scared.
He may need some time to realize that you, guys, will be OK. Maybe he needs to talk to your MS DR to understand better what this desease can cause your body if you are not slowing down and not leaving your life with less pain...
Good luck to you; I hope everything will be OK and your Interview will go smootly....:angel:
as you know during last 2 years my life changed a lot. I had 2 lumbar spinal fusions which left me with a lots of disabilities, nerve damages, droped foot and severe pain 24/7.
Now I am being checked for MS and most likely my DR will put me on MS treatments.
I had the most wonderful job, I worked on Wall Street for a big financial Instutions (thanks to my MBA as well). This was a bread winner salary in my family despite the fact that my hubby works very hard.
I wouldn't ever give up on this job - it was good financially, it was good for me mentally and gave me a great deal feeling of achivement.
When after my first surgery failed and my surgeon sent me on disability due not be able to go back to work, I was fighting him, my husband and myself. I asked my boss 4 month after surgery if I can try. Well, I couldn't even make it 3 hours a day, no matter how much I pushed myself. Not much you can do if you can't sit, stand or walk for more than 10 minutes without laying down in a lots of pain.
I cried days and nights. I always was so strong, I had all total major different surgeries in my life, I leave my life with childhood RA - so what can stop me??? I always believed when life gives you lemons - make lemonade. I was plenty lemonade in my life, but I refuse to accept more lemons...
I was so lucky to have my family, my dear husband (my best friend) who supported me so much. I wouldn't be able to do all this without them.
We bought a house 2 years before my car accident (causing me damages and spinal surgeries), so we have morgage payments and like everybody else a lots of other payments. I was so scared; I thought we are going to loose my dream home after working so hard all our lives. My husband said: nobody dies from hunger here, money is not the most important thing in a world, we will survive.
WE made a lots of life changes (no vacations like we used to have), no eating out, renting movies instead of going to see one and so on...
Not easy, but we survive me being on disability and paying so much money for all co-pays to see DRs, co-pays for a lots of medications I and my husband are taking... Humans are much stronger than we think; also I believe in faight.
I also believe in mind and body healing; if you under so much stress and you are so unhappy - what good does it do to you? You many earn the money to pay the bills, but if you get sicker - you will have to pay more money to see DR, for meds...
My hubby had cancer and he has diabeties right now with some kidney damage from it... And he still insisted, he was fighting me to listen to my DRs and to my body... I was stubborn despite the fact that my body is still not functioning because I was scared : what happens to us...
I bet that is what your husband goes through right now: he is scared.
He may need some time to realize that you, guys, will be OK. Maybe he needs to talk to your MS DR to understand better what this desease can cause your body if you are not slowing down and not leaving your life with less pain...
Good luck to you; I hope everything will be OK and your Interview will go smootly....:angel:
MSNik
06-25-2008, 04:17 PM
Thank you Moldova. I apprecaite you sharing your story with me. Seems everyone has learned how to live with this MS (or in your case, your disability) and I will have to learn too...I saw my Neuro today, he says there is no way they are going to approve disability for me- that Im still too functioning to be considered disabled..however, he strongly urged me to quit this job and move onto something with less stress and less travel...so I told him I would do my best to get this parttime job, for now.
My husband is scared. I know that to be true...and I have taken him to doctors appointments recently, where they tell him that most of my trouble is from stress related stuff- not the MS...but they have explained to him that stress aggravates MS symptoms..he just doesnt get it...its the old "you look to be good to be sick/feeling bad/ have MS" thing...
Im working on putting me first...scared to death to lose what I have- but trying like heck to fight for myself...had a long talk with a trusted friend this morning who put it into perspective when she said "if you have to flip burgers to put food on the table, be the best burgerflipper they've ever had"...I guess thats really it, just doing one's best..
Thanks..and have a great day.
Nikki
My husband is scared. I know that to be true...and I have taken him to doctors appointments recently, where they tell him that most of my trouble is from stress related stuff- not the MS...but they have explained to him that stress aggravates MS symptoms..he just doesnt get it...its the old "you look to be good to be sick/feeling bad/ have MS" thing...
Im working on putting me first...scared to death to lose what I have- but trying like heck to fight for myself...had a long talk with a trusted friend this morning who put it into perspective when she said "if you have to flip burgers to put food on the table, be the best burgerflipper they've ever had"...I guess thats really it, just doing one's best..
Thanks..and have a great day.
Nikki
jlbrow7
06-25-2008, 05:56 PM
Heya Nikki!
I didn't "choose" to go on disability; it chose me.
I went from being a tax atty in private practice to being a corporate tax atty., to a state government atty., to a corporate contracts manager. To home.
Looking back, I wish I could have gone on disability much sooner for 2 reasons: (1) to avoid the stresses that exacerbated my MS and (2) so that I didn't have to watch my career go to hell in a hand basket.
Nothing prepares you for the financial hit; get LTD insurance if you can and you've done all you can do.
Best Wishes to you! All I can tell you is to watch out for #1 -- yourself. MS is a great teacher of self-importance. Learn it now or learn it later. ;)
BTW - my husband has been great, but his way of dealing with things was to gain alot of weight. This is hard on everyone and we all cope differently, but for your sake I hope he soon gets over being so angry. It is certainly understandable, but it makes things worse since it makes you less healthy. How can you say "you're being counterproductive", nicely?
I didn't "choose" to go on disability; it chose me.
I went from being a tax atty in private practice to being a corporate tax atty., to a state government atty., to a corporate contracts manager. To home.
Looking back, I wish I could have gone on disability much sooner for 2 reasons: (1) to avoid the stresses that exacerbated my MS and (2) so that I didn't have to watch my career go to hell in a hand basket.
Nothing prepares you for the financial hit; get LTD insurance if you can and you've done all you can do.
Best Wishes to you! All I can tell you is to watch out for #1 -- yourself. MS is a great teacher of self-importance. Learn it now or learn it later. ;)
BTW - my husband has been great, but his way of dealing with things was to gain alot of weight. This is hard on everyone and we all cope differently, but for your sake I hope he soon gets over being so angry. It is certainly understandable, but it makes things worse since it makes you less healthy. How can you say "you're being counterproductive", nicely?
cindys601
06-26-2008, 01:06 AM
Hi Nikki~
1st of all, I couldn't resist from responding to your post because I feel the frustration you are going through and also know 1st hand the courage it takes to change.
But you have to look at things as you DID IT!! You made those dreams happen. You graduated at the top of your class. You landed a great job, you were promoted. You made it girl!! So be so proud of what you accomplished!!
But then in the mist of it all, you got sick. And you didn't ask for it to happen, but it did. So, whatever you decide to do from here is not a sign of failure. Its letting go and eccepting what curveballs have been thrown your way.
I know this is probobly the scariest dilema you'll have to deal with. It was for me too. I still think in the back of my mind sometimes that maybe someday I'll have the strength to get back to it. Then I think of reality and if I do, I'll be on a downhill slide again and its just not worth my life or my health.
But just try to keep a possitive outlook as you decide the changes you need to make for a heathier you. Don't EVER think less of yourself because you should be patting yourself on the back for all you've given and done for those of us who were so desperate and came to you.
You are the heart of this board, I hope you know. It doesn't offer a paycheck, unfortunately, but if it did, you would be the most deserving in my eyes!!
Be strong Nikki and do what your heart tells you to do. And in the meantime, I hope your hubby can be a better support in the months to come. But being selfish and putting your needs 1st is something you must do to survive. I know thats such a hard thing to do but I'm rootin' for you all the way!!
You be good to youself because if you don't, nobody else will
Take care
Cindy
1st of all, I couldn't resist from responding to your post because I feel the frustration you are going through and also know 1st hand the courage it takes to change.
But you have to look at things as you DID IT!! You made those dreams happen. You graduated at the top of your class. You landed a great job, you were promoted. You made it girl!! So be so proud of what you accomplished!!
But then in the mist of it all, you got sick. And you didn't ask for it to happen, but it did. So, whatever you decide to do from here is not a sign of failure. Its letting go and eccepting what curveballs have been thrown your way.
I know this is probobly the scariest dilema you'll have to deal with. It was for me too. I still think in the back of my mind sometimes that maybe someday I'll have the strength to get back to it. Then I think of reality and if I do, I'll be on a downhill slide again and its just not worth my life or my health.
But just try to keep a possitive outlook as you decide the changes you need to make for a heathier you. Don't EVER think less of yourself because you should be patting yourself on the back for all you've given and done for those of us who were so desperate and came to you.
You are the heart of this board, I hope you know. It doesn't offer a paycheck, unfortunately, but if it did, you would be the most deserving in my eyes!!
Be strong Nikki and do what your heart tells you to do. And in the meantime, I hope your hubby can be a better support in the months to come. But being selfish and putting your needs 1st is something you must do to survive. I know thats such a hard thing to do but I'm rootin' for you all the way!!
You be good to youself because if you don't, nobody else will
Take care
Cindy
MSNik
06-26-2008, 08:11 AM
JLBrow, thank you for sharing your story with me. I honestly find you amazing! You are so very eduated and have so much life experience,this had to be very difficult on you. With that, I acknowledge that im certainly not the only one to have to face this- that better people then I, have had to deal with what I am dealing with and have survived. You are one of those survivers.
I appreciate your kind words and your sharing of your strength. You give me hope that I, too, can tell my story one day and be proud of what I had accomplished and not what I lost...
I also appreciate the fact that you adamantly tell me to be selfish and put myself first...those are the thoughts I am trying to work through right now and live by..
thank you.
Nikki
Cindy- again, what can I say? You have a way of putting things into perspective- especially now, knowing what you just went thru. I hope you are finding a road to a quick recovery and are feeling better. Thank you for letting me know Im not alone at this time...the interview is today- Ill keep you posted! I first have to go see my boss for the first time in 8 days and am not looking forwrd to faking it thru a morning, before i 'hit the road' to explore my newest option.
I will try to remember as I am struggling thru this, all of your words. Especially those about not looking back and seeing a loss, but looking back and realizing an accomplishment.
Thank you for those words..
hugs
Nikki
I appreciate your kind words and your sharing of your strength. You give me hope that I, too, can tell my story one day and be proud of what I had accomplished and not what I lost...
I also appreciate the fact that you adamantly tell me to be selfish and put myself first...those are the thoughts I am trying to work through right now and live by..
thank you.
Nikki
Cindy- again, what can I say? You have a way of putting things into perspective- especially now, knowing what you just went thru. I hope you are finding a road to a quick recovery and are feeling better. Thank you for letting me know Im not alone at this time...the interview is today- Ill keep you posted! I first have to go see my boss for the first time in 8 days and am not looking forwrd to faking it thru a morning, before i 'hit the road' to explore my newest option.
I will try to remember as I am struggling thru this, all of your words. Especially those about not looking back and seeing a loss, but looking back and realizing an accomplishment.
Thank you for those words..
hugs
Nikki
jlbrow7
06-26-2008, 06:36 PM
Nikki,
I know you'll appreciate this so I want to share it with you. 2 months ago I went to my neuro's office for an IVIg infusion and a man I hadn't yet met was there sharing the experience with me - Ha!
We talked for awhile (I was there 2.5 hours and he was to be there for the day because of his size - a giant of a man). Turned out he was a lawyer with an M.D. and was down to practicing law for only a few hours in the mornings.
He proudly told me that he used to testify as a witness in million dollar lawsuits (as a doctor) and I knew it hurt him to remember but it also seemed to be cheering him up so I just listened - amazed. He said he knew that he would soon lose the use of both of his feet. (He was still ambulatory and we didn't discuss what he had, except that he mentioned that he had several different autoimmune diseases). Get this, he married a nurse and she has been on disability for over 10 years with MS - she was dx right after she graduated from nursing school and apparently never could practice.
I'm going to try to meet up with this man and his wife for dinner - he loves cars and can't work on them anymore and my husband loves cars, period. I hope they will be interested.
To make a short story even longer, I went in for another IVIg treatment today but wasn't fortunate enough to see the same man. The nurse mentioned him though and told me he was in last week. He asked her to tell me hello for him. He added that the time he was there with me went faster than it ever had for him. I could have hugged the nurse.
That is more for less.
Hang in there Nikki. The great moments come out of nowhere; just remember that you are #1.
I know you'll appreciate this so I want to share it with you. 2 months ago I went to my neuro's office for an IVIg infusion and a man I hadn't yet met was there sharing the experience with me - Ha!
We talked for awhile (I was there 2.5 hours and he was to be there for the day because of his size - a giant of a man). Turned out he was a lawyer with an M.D. and was down to practicing law for only a few hours in the mornings.
He proudly told me that he used to testify as a witness in million dollar lawsuits (as a doctor) and I knew it hurt him to remember but it also seemed to be cheering him up so I just listened - amazed. He said he knew that he would soon lose the use of both of his feet. (He was still ambulatory and we didn't discuss what he had, except that he mentioned that he had several different autoimmune diseases). Get this, he married a nurse and she has been on disability for over 10 years with MS - she was dx right after she graduated from nursing school and apparently never could practice.
I'm going to try to meet up with this man and his wife for dinner - he loves cars and can't work on them anymore and my husband loves cars, period. I hope they will be interested.
To make a short story even longer, I went in for another IVIg treatment today but wasn't fortunate enough to see the same man. The nurse mentioned him though and told me he was in last week. He asked her to tell me hello for him. He added that the time he was there with me went faster than it ever had for him. I could have hugged the nurse.
That is more for less.
Hang in there Nikki. The great moments come out of nowhere; just remember that you are #1.
april1848
06-26-2008, 06:41 PM
Nikki, I hope you're feeling better about these big decisions today; all of the advice you've been given, in my opinion, is heartfelt, sincere, and right.
I know it's a huge deal, but sometimes, things work out for the best when we least expect it--read the thread I started today. Everything will pay off in the end!
I know it's a huge deal, but sometimes, things work out for the best when we least expect it--read the thread I started today. Everything will pay off in the end!
MSNik
06-26-2008, 07:41 PM
JLbrow, that is an exceptional story! Thank you for sharing it with me... it seems that whenever I post on something bothering me, I get nothing but positive feedback and good wishes from people, but its the people like YOU and APRIL and CINDY who have shared real life experiences this time around and have given me soo much to think about! I have been taking all of your thoughts into my heart and trying to fixate on the positive- not the negative- and Ive reached some decisions....wait till you read my update!
And April, I did read your post..it was terrific! Im very proud of your accomplishment (the award) but even prouder that you were able to find a comfort zone which goes way beyond the call of duty..thats incredible.
So, ready for this??
Today I had the interview...for the most part, the job seemed kind of boring- the people are really great and the job is something I could do without too much stress, over 7 people met and interviewed me. I was there for 5 hours..but it was the last person who spoke to me, who really hit home. This particular woman asked me if I was willing to do some things, which really arent in my job description, but she picked up on some of my experiences from my resume and had some ideas which are really RIGHT UP MY ALLEY as far as experience. It gave me a small thrill to see that at least one person there felt that my previous experience was worth noting- and that just maybe she would be someone whom I could grow alitttle bit more with...instead of being the parttime assistant that everyone else seemed to be wanting..
Then, I go back to my office, because I forgot to bring home something I needed for tomororw morning and my boss calls me in to ask me a question.
"Am i interested in going back to parttime? Business is slow- recievables are down and he would really like to keep me around"...Could have knocked me over with a feather. I had asked him three times in the past 2 months if I could cut my hours and was always told NO. SO of course I ask him how this would affect me (pay and benefits) and he tells me that he wants to talk to someone else before he answers that- but what would I want? I quoted him a dollar more than what this new place is offering me and he tells me that it is too much (its more than I make now, hourly, but will be substantially less overall since it would be 20 hours less a week). I then reminded him that I have a noncompete clause, which he would no longer have to pay me for- I would no longer be getting bonuses or vacation time- I would no longer get paid for holidays....he says to come back at 2 pm tomorrow and we'll talk...
I wont know about the other job until Tuesday lunchtime...they are interviewing someone else on Monday, but my gut says that they will offer me the job. Im confused. I would have LOVED to have kept my old job- but I also feel that he is using me because he wont fire me, knows I wont quit- (so he thinks) and is afraid Ill start looking for another position. I also think the type of work he will want me to do in 3 days, will be almost impossible to manage and the pressure will be on to make miracles happen in less time than I am working now..I also know that holiday time is the worst time of the year for us, and things get out of control busy- and guess what? Its not that far away.
So, im totally confused now...but cant make a decision until I hear about the other job anyway...my biggest concern is how to hold him off until early next week to give him an answer..I also want to get paid for 4th of July (my first vacation day this year) and dont want to screw that up! I already didnt get paid for the past 5 days, as Ive been home recuperating from the whole MS /Car accident ordeal.
So,thats my update...overall, I actually think Im making the right decision to do one or the other- see guys? IM putting myself first! Lets see how far that goes when I get my first paycheck/cut!
Hugs
Nikki
And April, I did read your post..it was terrific! Im very proud of your accomplishment (the award) but even prouder that you were able to find a comfort zone which goes way beyond the call of duty..thats incredible.
So, ready for this??
Today I had the interview...for the most part, the job seemed kind of boring- the people are really great and the job is something I could do without too much stress, over 7 people met and interviewed me. I was there for 5 hours..but it was the last person who spoke to me, who really hit home. This particular woman asked me if I was willing to do some things, which really arent in my job description, but she picked up on some of my experiences from my resume and had some ideas which are really RIGHT UP MY ALLEY as far as experience. It gave me a small thrill to see that at least one person there felt that my previous experience was worth noting- and that just maybe she would be someone whom I could grow alitttle bit more with...instead of being the parttime assistant that everyone else seemed to be wanting..
Then, I go back to my office, because I forgot to bring home something I needed for tomororw morning and my boss calls me in to ask me a question.
"Am i interested in going back to parttime? Business is slow- recievables are down and he would really like to keep me around"...Could have knocked me over with a feather. I had asked him three times in the past 2 months if I could cut my hours and was always told NO. SO of course I ask him how this would affect me (pay and benefits) and he tells me that he wants to talk to someone else before he answers that- but what would I want? I quoted him a dollar more than what this new place is offering me and he tells me that it is too much (its more than I make now, hourly, but will be substantially less overall since it would be 20 hours less a week). I then reminded him that I have a noncompete clause, which he would no longer have to pay me for- I would no longer be getting bonuses or vacation time- I would no longer get paid for holidays....he says to come back at 2 pm tomorrow and we'll talk...
I wont know about the other job until Tuesday lunchtime...they are interviewing someone else on Monday, but my gut says that they will offer me the job. Im confused. I would have LOVED to have kept my old job- but I also feel that he is using me because he wont fire me, knows I wont quit- (so he thinks) and is afraid Ill start looking for another position. I also think the type of work he will want me to do in 3 days, will be almost impossible to manage and the pressure will be on to make miracles happen in less time than I am working now..I also know that holiday time is the worst time of the year for us, and things get out of control busy- and guess what? Its not that far away.
So, im totally confused now...but cant make a decision until I hear about the other job anyway...my biggest concern is how to hold him off until early next week to give him an answer..I also want to get paid for 4th of July (my first vacation day this year) and dont want to screw that up! I already didnt get paid for the past 5 days, as Ive been home recuperating from the whole MS /Car accident ordeal.
So,thats my update...overall, I actually think Im making the right decision to do one or the other- see guys? IM putting myself first! Lets see how far that goes when I get my first paycheck/cut!
Hugs
Nikki
cindys601
06-26-2008, 08:18 PM
Nikki~
The best part about the dilemma your in, is you hold all the cards!! He's most likely decided to cut you back instead of losing you completly so that shows you are an asset to him and he doesn't want to lose you.
So just casually tell him that you do need to go part time, as he already knows you want and you need some time to concider his offer. You can hold him off, for sure!!
But concider whichever job you decide by the factor of which will be better for your health. Because this is your reason for wanting to leave in the 1st place. And if he offers a figure slightly higher, would that really make much difference in your overall pay cut.
I think your in a great position to sit back and weigh your options until tuesday. Sounds like this job you interviewed for really spiked your interest as well as theirs. You've got time so be wise and deligate and remeber, if you eccept either offer, you'll take a paycut but a weight will be lifted off your shoulders and trust me, thats a gooood feeling!!
A 5 hour interview must have made for a long tiring day but your post definately sounds chipper and thats good to hear from you.
I'm so proud of you for being "selfish" and putting you 1st. I know in the end, you wont be sorry. You'll just wonder why you held on for so long because you'll find a way to make it all work!!
Hugs to ya girl!!
Cindy
The best part about the dilemma your in, is you hold all the cards!! He's most likely decided to cut you back instead of losing you completly so that shows you are an asset to him and he doesn't want to lose you.
So just casually tell him that you do need to go part time, as he already knows you want and you need some time to concider his offer. You can hold him off, for sure!!
But concider whichever job you decide by the factor of which will be better for your health. Because this is your reason for wanting to leave in the 1st place. And if he offers a figure slightly higher, would that really make much difference in your overall pay cut.
I think your in a great position to sit back and weigh your options until tuesday. Sounds like this job you interviewed for really spiked your interest as well as theirs. You've got time so be wise and deligate and remeber, if you eccept either offer, you'll take a paycut but a weight will be lifted off your shoulders and trust me, thats a gooood feeling!!
A 5 hour interview must have made for a long tiring day but your post definately sounds chipper and thats good to hear from you.
I'm so proud of you for being "selfish" and putting you 1st. I know in the end, you wont be sorry. You'll just wonder why you held on for so long because you'll find a way to make it all work!!
Hugs to ya girl!!
Cindy
jlbrow7
06-26-2008, 08:40 PM
Nikki,
I'm curious, why would you love to keep your "old" job (not current job, old job. It sounds like you've already mentally moved on.) GREAT! See, you are looking out for #1.
The new position sounds like you could have new challenges and would meet new people; whereas, the old one is stagnant, frustrates you, and conjures up bad memories. What is not to like except the fear of starting a new job? A dollar an hour isn't worth staying for given the facts, but you made a good move when you asked for it. Now you'll see if the man really wants to keep you.
If your old boss wants to keep you so badly then he'll easily wait until Tuesday; just ask for the weekend to discuss it with your husband, who is out of town all of this week. ;)
Good Luck!!
And thank you so much for all of the kind words!
I'm curious, why would you love to keep your "old" job (not current job, old job. It sounds like you've already mentally moved on.) GREAT! See, you are looking out for #1.
The new position sounds like you could have new challenges and would meet new people; whereas, the old one is stagnant, frustrates you, and conjures up bad memories. What is not to like except the fear of starting a new job? A dollar an hour isn't worth staying for given the facts, but you made a good move when you asked for it. Now you'll see if the man really wants to keep you.
If your old boss wants to keep you so badly then he'll easily wait until Tuesday; just ask for the weekend to discuss it with your husband, who is out of town all of this week. ;)
Good Luck!!
And thank you so much for all of the kind words!
april1848
06-26-2008, 09:08 PM
Nikki, that's awesome. Cindy's right in that you're holding all the cards! This new job sounds like it has some good potential. I totally agree with everything Cindy said...a dollar more might not be worth staying at the old job! You'd still have to put up with Evil Jerk, who I know pretty well! By the way the interview and new job sounds, I wouldn't be surprised if you'd eventually make more money there. It sounds like they are incredibely interested in you!
And the lady who mentioned doing things outside of your job description, because she recognized your experience on your resume...here we go, being mirrors again! That is the exact reason why I won that award today. People are giving me projects completely outside of my job description. With this particular project, I was told I had two weeks to finish it, and I did it in two days. That's the great thing about taking a step "down" at a job! Another great thing that reduces a ton of stress is not being a manager/supervisor anymore. This is new for me, and I love it. I only have to worry about my own work now.
I'm really excited to hear what happens, and I know it's going to be great in the long run. Cheers to you!
And the lady who mentioned doing things outside of your job description, because she recognized your experience on your resume...here we go, being mirrors again! That is the exact reason why I won that award today. People are giving me projects completely outside of my job description. With this particular project, I was told I had two weeks to finish it, and I did it in two days. That's the great thing about taking a step "down" at a job! Another great thing that reduces a ton of stress is not being a manager/supervisor anymore. This is new for me, and I love it. I only have to worry about my own work now.
I'm really excited to hear what happens, and I know it's going to be great in the long run. Cheers to you!
MSNik
06-26-2008, 09:46 PM
Hey ya'all! JLbrow- my perceptive friend..thank you for pointing out to me that I said OLD JOB. I didnt even realize what I wrote until you pointed it out. Current job is more accurate but maybe your right- maybe mentally I have moved on! WOW.
Cindy and April- yes, I guess in a way I do hold the cards..but I didnt see it that way, In fact, right now, Im thinking that after the entire fiasco of the past week, the car accident the lawyer and even the workman's comp thing- maybe they are just looking for a way to push me away, without risking firing me, and the possiblity of them having to pay me unemployment. in that respect, I think THEY think THEY are holding the cards...and maybe they are, from a financial standpoint. ...nevertheless, I do have optioins, and Im going to have to really think hard about whether or not this particular one (the interview) is whats best for me. Deep down, it does elminate the stress of seeing the same old people each day along with the feelings of resentment which are now becoming an ongoing battle...and April -your right, the Jerk, I can live without!
First, I have to get offered the job..and gee- with my husband out of town (:D)- guess Ill need a few more days to make a decision! Thanks for that thought too, JLbrow!
Will keep you all posted. Hugs and love and thank you for all the encouragement!
Nikki
Cindy and April- yes, I guess in a way I do hold the cards..but I didnt see it that way, In fact, right now, Im thinking that after the entire fiasco of the past week, the car accident the lawyer and even the workman's comp thing- maybe they are just looking for a way to push me away, without risking firing me, and the possiblity of them having to pay me unemployment. in that respect, I think THEY think THEY are holding the cards...and maybe they are, from a financial standpoint. ...nevertheless, I do have optioins, and Im going to have to really think hard about whether or not this particular one (the interview) is whats best for me. Deep down, it does elminate the stress of seeing the same old people each day along with the feelings of resentment which are now becoming an ongoing battle...and April -your right, the Jerk, I can live without!
First, I have to get offered the job..and gee- with my husband out of town (:D)- guess Ill need a few more days to make a decision! Thanks for that thought too, JLbrow!
Will keep you all posted. Hugs and love and thank you for all the encouragement!
Nikki
cindys601
06-26-2008, 10:10 PM
Nikki~
I was going to add the same comment. JLbrow saved the day with a perfect out!! Can't make such a big career descision with out hubby.... hehehe I love it!! Certainly buys you time.
about who's holding the cards, you told them your situation that you overworked and need partime, which they denied. Then the accident, your out for days, your doc is telling you your overdoing... makes sense to me that they figure better to have you part time than no time.
If he really wanted you out because of the stir from the accident, he would most likely INCREASE your workload and make it so hard for you, you'd quit. But he's giving you what YOU want. I may be wrong but I definately think its YOU that are holding the cards. But even if I'm wrong, you still get your way. Its a win win no matter how you look at it.
Plus, if your job (current) is forcing you to part time, thats also good for you from the standpoint of convincing your husband this is what you need. Now, because of cutbacks, your FORCED into part time. See, win win.
I guess I just like to look at things as if the glass is 1/2 full, not 1/2 empty. Its mutch easier to except.
Keep us updated. I know this saga will continue with twists and turns
Cindy
I was going to add the same comment. JLbrow saved the day with a perfect out!! Can't make such a big career descision with out hubby.... hehehe I love it!! Certainly buys you time.
about who's holding the cards, you told them your situation that you overworked and need partime, which they denied. Then the accident, your out for days, your doc is telling you your overdoing... makes sense to me that they figure better to have you part time than no time.
If he really wanted you out because of the stir from the accident, he would most likely INCREASE your workload and make it so hard for you, you'd quit. But he's giving you what YOU want. I may be wrong but I definately think its YOU that are holding the cards. But even if I'm wrong, you still get your way. Its a win win no matter how you look at it.
Plus, if your job (current) is forcing you to part time, thats also good for you from the standpoint of convincing your husband this is what you need. Now, because of cutbacks, your FORCED into part time. See, win win.
I guess I just like to look at things as if the glass is 1/2 full, not 1/2 empty. Its mutch easier to except.
Keep us updated. I know this saga will continue with twists and turns
Cindy
MSNik
06-26-2008, 11:13 PM
thanks Cindy, and duly noted!
Your right about looking at things half full- you always do, and thats just one of the things I love about you..thank you.
You are right about the fact that they could "force" me out... I think the joke is going to be on them, though..honestly, if I leave, and I probably will if I get the offer- they are really going to realize what they lost...not just in my ability, but the work I do, well, someone is going to have to pick up the slack- and the only person who really can do it, is my boss..guess his fishing days are over! I hate to think that they are low balling me just to force me into accepting whatever "crumbs" they offer..but it looks like that is their plan.
now, I have to pray that I get the offer so that I can leave with my head held high...I think in the end, Ill be sad to go- but the more I think about this, the more I think about my health and what I want from my life- the more I realize that if I dont jump this sinking ship, Im going to go down with it...
MS is not an easy thing to live with...what you are dealing with is so similar- so unknown! The one thing I learned from this last 18 months is that its easy to tell people to keep on rolling with it, but when the rolling is no longer easy and the health is completely affected, both mental and physical- its time to get out.
I agree that this will help me with my husband- but he listened to me tonight, tell him about the interview and I tried to really thank him for giving me the opportunity to make things better for both of us- me, with my health and US for our sanity. He seemed to get that...we'll see.
hugs
N
Your right about looking at things half full- you always do, and thats just one of the things I love about you..thank you.
You are right about the fact that they could "force" me out... I think the joke is going to be on them, though..honestly, if I leave, and I probably will if I get the offer- they are really going to realize what they lost...not just in my ability, but the work I do, well, someone is going to have to pick up the slack- and the only person who really can do it, is my boss..guess his fishing days are over! I hate to think that they are low balling me just to force me into accepting whatever "crumbs" they offer..but it looks like that is their plan.
now, I have to pray that I get the offer so that I can leave with my head held high...I think in the end, Ill be sad to go- but the more I think about this, the more I think about my health and what I want from my life- the more I realize that if I dont jump this sinking ship, Im going to go down with it...
MS is not an easy thing to live with...what you are dealing with is so similar- so unknown! The one thing I learned from this last 18 months is that its easy to tell people to keep on rolling with it, but when the rolling is no longer easy and the health is completely affected, both mental and physical- its time to get out.
I agree that this will help me with my husband- but he listened to me tonight, tell him about the interview and I tried to really thank him for giving me the opportunity to make things better for both of us- me, with my health and US for our sanity. He seemed to get that...we'll see.
hugs
N