For the most part, I think I enjoy life. I love my job. I love my wife. I have a 3 year old and 5 week old that are the world to me. Most people would say that my life could not get much better. In many respects, I can not disagree.

Unfortunately, I have been beyond competitive since my earliest memories. Finishing 1st has always been a big concern for me, especially when it comes to the teams I follow. Growing up, I know this used to wear on my parents. My mom always said that she thought I would out-grow it, or, I would simply mature. Well, so much for those hopes! While it may have something to do with maturity, my fear is that it is more deeply rooted than that.

I am at a point now where I am losing my mind.

I am a huge Chicago sports fan. Since my earliest days, I can remember following the Bulls, Blackhawks, Bears, and Cubs. I am also an avid University of Illinois sports fan.

Out of all of these teams, only one really causes me to lose my mind any more- the Cubs.

In actuality, I should be really happy about the Cubs right now. They are in 1st place. Overall, they are playing good baseball. Many feel that they have the ability to get to the World Series and win it- for the first time in 100 years.

Yet, even with the successes this year, I can find no joy in this season. I truly can not.

The Cubs just lost 3 in a row to the White Sox, and I am up in arms over it. I don't want my wife around. The kids got on my nerves. As pathetic as the following sounds, I have been wishing nothing but ill-will towards the White Sox players since the Cubs got swept. For anyone that has been listening to me over the last two hours, I have been hoping that the Sox players get hurt, get sick, die, whatever. As for the Cubs, much of the same. I know that this is so, so, so wrong, but I truly can not help it.

I take Lexapro, and for the most part, it helps me with my anxiety issues. However, when it comes to the Cubs, I seemingly have no relief. From April 1 to October 1, this team simply becomes all consuming to me. I schedule things around their games. If I am at work and they are playing during the day, my eyes are on the ESPN Gamecast. IF they are losing, I am fried and certainly of no value to the company.

Interesting, if you compare my other sports interests, I am not this way. The Bears have won nothing since 1985, and yet, when they are on 16 times during the football season, I find that I do not even have to watch them. I might tape the games, and if they win, I might watch. If they lose, I will not watch it.

The Bulls are my A # 1 favorite team of all time. They have been brutal since Jordan retired. Yet, they don't bother me. I am beyond indifferent.

As for the University of Illinois, in 2005, they made it to the National Championship game in basketball. As for football, they made it to the Rose Bowl this past season. I am to a point there where I can actually view the Illini football and basketball games and not get too worked up.

With the Cubs, perhaps it has been 100 years since they have done anything. Perhaps it is the media attention that I can not get away from? I don't know. All I know is that it is eating at me, and I can not get it to stop.

I have always been quite the pessimist, so being a Cubs fan certainly has not helped. But again, when the Cubs do not perform up to my expectations, I want violence. I want the starting pitchers to blow out their elbows. I want them to get hit by a car on their way to the game. I want a linedrive to go off of their heads.

I have 15 good friends that are White Sox friends. After the Cubs got swept this weekend, I sent an email to all 15. The gist of the email was that I hoped that the Sox would die in a plane crash. I said that I hoped that the Twins would take the division and keep the Sox out of the playoffs. I hoped for certain players to get hurt. Again, this is beyond warped, but when the Cubs lose, it is as if I become possessed.

I find that I was not this way with the Cubs when they were bad because, well, they were expected to be bad. When June 1 would come around and the Cubs were 10 games out of the playoffs, I coud enjoy the rest of the summer. Now, I have to agonize through 162 dates, just to get let down. Once it is all said and done, the season is over, the summer is over, and winter is on its way. A pathetic existence, I know, but I am just being as honest as I can be.

As crazy as this sounds, if I could be hypotized to hate the Cubs (and baseball, for that matter), I would do it in a heartbeat. I truly would. If I could find a shrink that focuses on obessisve issues with sports, I would travel to visit with this person. If anyone knew of a book(s) that may get to the root of my issues, I would buy it tomorrow.

I am just sick of this. This is no way to live, but I have become consumed by it.

Thanks.