Okay, so I had an outbreak on my genitals for the first time the other day, and I haven't gone to the doctor yet. I know what he is going to say anyway. I just don't understand WHY it started appearing on my genitals if it was always on my lower buttocks before. When I went to the doctor for that years ago they told me it was negative and diagnosed Shingles. I think that was a misdiagnosis. This outbreak happened after a very stressful few days of my life and taking Adderall which made me unable to sleep and stressed. I'm not taking it anymore. When I did take it before I would breakout with canker sores in my mouth probably due to reduced immunity.

I am so depressed about it. And I am actually scared that this might be caused my exposure to HIV. HIV can make you have worse outbreaks and other skin diseases show up and don't go away easily. I have had seborrhic dermatitus on my face (under my nose) for a year now. I have always had it, but it comes and goes, and this time it is not going away.

I know I should just go get tested, but if I find out I have HIV I might as well just kill myself, so I don't even want to know. It's been almost a year since I have had sex anyway, so I won't have it for the rest of my life either. Oh well. I'm screwed.

I am imagining all kinds of reasons why this horrible STD spread and why or how they could have misdiagnosed me in the first place. I was thinking maybe I spread it with my hand accidentally. I can't even think about being sexual with anyone, because I feel like that part of my life is over. I didn't think about it much when it was in a less obvious location. This is the worst outbreak I have ever had. The Adderall and resulting stress probably triggered it. So, basically it's been with me awhile I just didn't have any OBs on my genitals. I know this because it's been so long since I have had sex.

For the first time in my life, even though I have been through a lot of emotional pain, I feel very angry with God. I feel angry for getting something like this and why it has to even exist! Why are we put on this Earth to just suffer from all this pain. I don't know what else to say. I probably will see a doctor tomorrow and get tested for HIV and Herpes. I think knowing either way would be better than wondering about it forever and not knowing whether you have to abstain from sex until you die of AIDS. (If I have that)