Hi all, I posted awhile ago when my husband died on 3-37-08 and I just didn't think I could handle the pain and everything else that goes along with it. I specifically singled you out bbugk, because your post kind of stuck with me about the PTSD. Everything came to a head with me this past weekend, on Sunday 7-13-08 to be exact. We had a huge surprise party at my house for my brother who just turned 54 and lost his wife 3 weeks after my husband died. There were about 60 people here and it was a very loving tribute to a very loving brother/father/friend and everyone had a wonderful time. I can't say I had a wonderful time, but it was good to see him smiling and having fun. Since I was the host, I was very busy and remained that way all day long, although I still feel this sadness in me that never goes away. My husband would have loved that party, he was the "social butterfly" of the 2 of us, he loved family and loved parties, so naturally I thought of him all day. I started crying that night, cried all day Sunday and woke up after very little sleep on Monday crying some more, I just could not stop. I had to call my work and I was still blubbering, I haven't been able to go back to work this week yet. My doctor said she believes I am suffering from PTSD and has prescribed Lexapro and anti-anxiety meds, I also have high bp. I was given literature and have read a bit about it on the internet. I swear to you, I am the poster child for PTSD. Everything, all the symptoms, etc. from a list of 15I have 12 of them. I am getting ready to attend grief counseling along with the meds. I am just hoping I can pull myself out of this abyss with alot of help and live a life worth living again. But I just had to let everyone know, especially you bbugk, that your kind words and the things you said stuck with me and made me go back to my doctor and explain how I was feeling more thoroughly. I have a very good doctor who actually listens and always works with me until she figures out a plan for me. I know I won't get better over night, although my life and health changed overnight, it won't be an easy road for me to follow. On my first visit to my doctor after my husband died, she told me that she didn't believe I was allowing myself time to grieve properly (going back to work almost immediately, but I had to because they needed my help) and she was worried about me at that time. I took my meds a short time ago and can function a bit today, and that's a good thing after the last couple of days, I thought I was going to wind up in a rubber room with a white jacket on. I am not saying that in jest, I actually felt that way. I still want to spend my days in bed with the covers over my head, but I don't, for the most part anyway. But I still have no interest in anything and am waiting for that to return. I have lost almost 25 lbs. because I just can't eat and when I do it makes me sick, I can't sleep, I am quick to anger and just on and on. Okay, sorry about the book here, I just wanted to get some things out and touch base here, tell a bit of my story, and maybe help someone else who is feeling the same things I do. Bless each and every one of you. :(

Hi,
I lost my mother to Stage IV Lung Cancer on 7/28/07, I am still having a very difficult time with her passing. My mother and I were best friends, we saw each other every day and did everything together, I still can't believe she is gone. I am so angry because the doctors weren't really sure if it was lung cancer. The sad part about this whole thing is that my mother always went to her physicals and took care of herself. She did tell me that she didn't feel right inside and I told her to go to her doctor and she did. Her doctor told her that she had anxiety from taking care of her 89 yr. old mother at the time. She put my mother on an antideppresant, but my mother still didn't feel right. One morning in 2/06 she woke up and started feeling very dizzy and faint. My father took her to the ER and they ran some blood tests and said that everything looked good and then they told her she had vertigo and sent her home with a pill to take. Meanwhile my mother still was getting dizzy and still wasn't feeling like herself, so she went back to her primary doctor and I think she told her it was stress. So the months were passing by. In 7/06 she had her annual physical. She had blood work done, chest xrays, and a bone density test done also was tested for lupus, because her joints always hurt her especially in her knees and in her lower back. I remember her coming home that day and telling me that she didn't have lupus and her physical went well. In 9/06 she woke up in the morning and was feeling very tired and she couldn't get up because again she was feeling dizzy and then she started seeing double vision, my father rushed her to the ER, they did a cat scan of her brain and it showed many tumors there. She then had a chest xray and that was normal. The doctors said that they never seen anything like it before, so they did a cat scan of her chest and that is when they found a tiny lesion in her left lung and lymph node. The doctor said that he couldn't believe that the tiny lesion had spread to her brain. The doctors were more concerned about her brain more than her lesion on her lung. She had 15 radiation treatments to her brain. She started getting dementia from the treatments. She had another cat scan of her brain and it was clear. Then she had to take 6 months of chemo for any other cancer that was in her body. Her doctor said that she was responding well to her treatments, so he was going to stop it. Not even being off her chemo for one week, she started developing severe pain in her jaw on her left side. Her oncologist told her to see her dentist, so she did and he tokd her that her teeth were fine. So then she went back to her oncologist and he told her it was inflammation and gave her an antibiotic to take, but it didn't help. She was in severe pain. She couldn't eat, sleep, or even talk sometimes. Then her oncologist sent her to an oral surgeon and he told her that she had osteocronosis of her jaw. He said some patients get this from taking a certain chemo drug, so then her oncologist took her off this drug, but she still was having severe pain and numbness in her jaw. Her oncologist
then gave her a pain patch to wear, but it wasn't helping her. She started hallucinating like crazy. It was so horrible seeing her suffer like this. The sad part was my family was saying god, I hope it isn't cancer in her jaw and her doctor told her that it wasn't. In 5/07 she had a massive stroke and was taken to the ER again, she had a shot for the stroke, which helped her a little. Her oncologist sent another oral surgeon to look at her jaw while she was in the hospital and he said that he did not like the looks of her jaw. He told my father to make an appt with him as soon as she gets out of the hospital. Well my mother went to see him, he did this special test and it showed a massive tumor in her jaw bone and the only treatment was radiation for the pain, but it didn't help. My mother then started having severe pain in her lower back, she had another pet scan done and it showed that the cancer was in her L2 and L3 and it was back in her chest again. The only treatment for this was radiation to her hip for the pain in her back. It didn't really help her. She started getting weaker and weaker and wasn't really eating or drinking. She started losing weight too. On Friday 7/13/07 she looked like she was dehydrated and she was hallucinating alot so we brought her to the hospital, she had an IV. We thought that it was just dehydration. The nurses said that my mother was having a hard time going to the bathroom, so the doctor thought it was a urinary tract infection, so he put her on an antibiotic. It turned out not to be an infection. I guess at that time is when her kidneys were not functioning well anymore. She had a catheter in her and they tried to take it out, but she couldn't go to the bathroom. She was having a hard time swallowing too, so they couldn't giver any food or drink anymore because they din't want her to choke. Then my mother did not open her eyes or talk for 3 days. On the 4th day she tried to open her eyes, but her eyes would look up at the ceiling and she couldn't even talk, she started mumbling. It was so sad seeing her suffer like that. Her oncologist had came and told my father, that my mother was lucky if she had 2 weeks left. My father had her transferred to a cancer hospital, she started swelling up in different parts of her body. It was so sad seeing your mother, your best friend pass away right in front of your own eyes. I am still so devistated. I love and miss her so much. I never thought that I would lose my mother at age 70. My mother's mother passed away 6 months later at age 91. I still don't sleep at night. My life has changed so much, it is horrible. I wish I could bring her back. Thanks for listening to me write. Take care. Blueeyes