Hello all..I was wondering if anyone could give me some advise in regards to my activities. I am in a very high risk category, in that i have had a multitude of sex partners, one of which taunted me by saying that he was HIv positive. Because of his previous verbal abuse and psychotic actions,I didnt and still dont know whether to believe him or not....Anyway, I suspect that i probably have been infected, but i am very mentally weak therefore testing is not an option. I have had symptoms, including reccurent bacterial vaginosis, fuzzy vision, night sweats,fatigue, and skin rashes. I have continued to take on multiple sex partners, but unlike before, protection has been used. The only problem is that I am scared because i know that i wouldnt use one if my parners didnt want to. I am seeking validation through sex, the same way that i have been for over 12 years. I know that i have rambled and rambled, but this all goes back to behavior and the spreading of HIV. Should people like me just be taken out back and shot, because im too damn chicken to get tested, but too selfish to stop having sex?

I'm not going to judge you because I'm not in a position to do so (nor really is anyone here). From your post, though, you seem to know the whole situation.

Here's what you may consider doing:

1) Stop the HIV research.

2) Stop having sex until you get tested, protected or unprotected. You realize it's unfair to put someone in a situation like this because you're in denial. Artificial sexual aids are available on the internet if you have an itch that you just have to scratch.

3) Get counseling or at least some form of social support. I'm repeating my standard list of clergy, friend, relative, or mental health professional, but you may wish to limit the scope so you don't face social problems. They will help you muster the courage to get tested, but this validation-through-sex issue will probably require the services of a mental health professional.

4) Not getting tested is actually what's not the option here, and you know it. You're aware of your exposures and you're aware of the symptoms. I'm sure you even know the testing period, so please do this. You can't go back and change the past but you need to know what your future is going to be like.

Good luck to you! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

i'm not going to judge you either, and yikes gave you some great advice. the only thing i wanted to add is you said you're too scared to get tested, and you're still having sex but so far its been protected. also you said you know if one of your partners didn't want to use protection, you wouldn't. would you pre-warn them that you "think" you may have hiv? i know its a scarey thought to get tested, and waiting for the results is hell.... and if by some chance the results come back positive, then you have the stress of dealing with that. BUT in the same breath, not knowing is worse. at least with getting tested you worry for the few days or weeks but then you get your results and you finally know for sure. this way, just worrying, you will never know for sure, and IF by some chance you did get hiv, you've already said if you were with someone who didn't want to use protection, you wouldn't... so they may in return also get hiv. then who else gets it before its detected? when dealing with something like this its always best to get tested, you're not only looking out for yourself and your well being, but you're also looking out for others. IF you did actually come in contact with the virus, if the person who gave it to you had known and had told you, chances are you wouldn't have it. IF you have never come in contact with it, then you've spent all of this time worrying and driving yourself crazy for no reason. please go get tested. there's nothing better than knowing for sure, for yourself and for others. yikes gave you some great advice, and i'm sure others will too. please listen to them, and please take care of yourself. stay strong and always use protection. its not 100 percent safe, but its 95 percent safer than using nothing. and until you do find out for sure, you really should stop having sex, just as yikes pointed out. good luck to you, and i hope everything works out great for you, and keep us posted on how you're doing. take care, and God bless! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

[This message has been edited by FatAndDepressed (edited 08-22-2002).]