Trang123
07-21-2008, 06:26 AM
Hi,
In a nutshell. I was adopted by gran on dad side, bio mom wanted nothing to do wtih me. bio dad kept away, gran was abusive, daily beatings, then she committed suicide in front of me at age 14. I married for 22 years at age 17 to abusive controlling man. little son of mine died at age 6 severe rare disorder. I am divorced now....8 years later, I get panic attacks, don't trust anyone, am unable to get into a relationship, in one now, but freak out because he is always coming around and not giving me space or my time. I need a huge amount of time alone, or I get very aggressive inside. To me men just want to control and their ego trips don't amuse me. apologies to men out there, no insult directed at you guys, I am just stating ones I happened to have attracted.I recently moved to another country adn this has flipped me over the edge. I am depressed adn miseralbe all the time. Last time I got excited was many eyars ago. I know deep inside the sad life I live is not normal. is this from the abuse and trauma from years ago and can I get help. Thanks
In a nutshell. I was adopted by gran on dad side, bio mom wanted nothing to do wtih me. bio dad kept away, gran was abusive, daily beatings, then she committed suicide in front of me at age 14. I married for 22 years at age 17 to abusive controlling man. little son of mine died at age 6 severe rare disorder. I am divorced now....8 years later, I get panic attacks, don't trust anyone, am unable to get into a relationship, in one now, but freak out because he is always coming around and not giving me space or my time. I need a huge amount of time alone, or I get very aggressive inside. To me men just want to control and their ego trips don't amuse me. apologies to men out there, no insult directed at you guys, I am just stating ones I happened to have attracted.I recently moved to another country adn this has flipped me over the edge. I am depressed adn miseralbe all the time. Last time I got excited was many eyars ago. I know deep inside the sad life I live is not normal. is this from the abuse and trauma from years ago and can I get help. Thanks
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negot
07-21-2008, 01:11 PM
You have been through so much in your life that it is no wonder that you feel so hopeless. At least you managed to get away from your abusive ex husband. I am sorry I can't give you any good advice. I am myself in a bad marriage, not knowing how to get out. I wish you the best of luck!
Trang123
07-21-2008, 06:39 PM
Thanks for your reply Nelli. sorry to hear you in same boat...not good. I wish you all the luck and hope you eventually find happiness. It's gotta be out there somewhere :-)
negot
07-23-2008, 01:46 AM
Hi Trang, I am just wondering how you are doing. I am sorry I couldn't offer you some comfort. How are you dealing with your pain. I am also so sorry about your child. That has to be the worst a human being can experience, losing a child. How are you getting adjusted to your new place of living? I moved too, but for me it was 17 years ago. I tried to escape my problems, but have realized that I carry my problems with me wherever I go. I Have just started reading a book that I want to recommend to you. It is called "Reinventing Your Life". It seems good and different than other self help books I've read in the past.
waratah
08-10-2008, 04:40 AM
Hi Trang123 :wave:,
I've just been reading your posts, and noticed that you're seemingly in quite a bit of pain and turmoil at the moment. I can not imagine your pain of loosing a child so young, but my mother had to deal with this, when my younger brother died aged 5 - (I was 7-8)
Of course it tore her appart, father disappeared to begin new relationship on other side of country, leaving mentally ill mother to care for two kids, which was a complete disaster. She did try her best, but without family support or true friends the going was rough, and she fell into deep dispair, and many suicide attempts in front of me. She returned to UK when I was 15 leaving me with step-mom and Father - not good at all!
I hope you might be able to reach out and connect with some help at your new location. I imagine that finances are a bit tight, and social networks a bit slim, but please try anyway you know how to connect with good people and avoid as best you canthose self serving individuals who will use your emotional resources. Perhaps there is a local group you might join through the local community centre, or local council. Or even to sign up for some volunteering duties in a community organisation of your choosing, animals, envorinment, landcare, conservation, feeding the homeless, children's services, services for the elderly etc.
I too, have had a bit of a troubled disrupted childhood, I'm now 47 years old, married, 4 kids, working P/T, but also feeling just awful. Recently Dx Hashimoto's Thyroiditis, but finding psychological problems are the most debilitating to deal with. Fortunatley, after a bit of searching and trial and error, I now have good medical care, a great GP, a 'lady shrink', ednocrinologist, and a very cheeky neurologist. It has taken about 12-18 months to get this going, so I't didn't happen overnight, and there were more than many 'dark nights of the soul'. :(
So, I came across a quote recently that I'd like to share and it goes like this:-
“people may not have caused all their own problems but they have to solve them anyway” (Linehan, 1993.p.107)
Do take good care of yourself, and let us know how you're getting on,
Regards, Waratah :)
I've just been reading your posts, and noticed that you're seemingly in quite a bit of pain and turmoil at the moment. I can not imagine your pain of loosing a child so young, but my mother had to deal with this, when my younger brother died aged 5 - (I was 7-8)
Of course it tore her appart, father disappeared to begin new relationship on other side of country, leaving mentally ill mother to care for two kids, which was a complete disaster. She did try her best, but without family support or true friends the going was rough, and she fell into deep dispair, and many suicide attempts in front of me. She returned to UK when I was 15 leaving me with step-mom and Father - not good at all!
I hope you might be able to reach out and connect with some help at your new location. I imagine that finances are a bit tight, and social networks a bit slim, but please try anyway you know how to connect with good people and avoid as best you canthose self serving individuals who will use your emotional resources. Perhaps there is a local group you might join through the local community centre, or local council. Or even to sign up for some volunteering duties in a community organisation of your choosing, animals, envorinment, landcare, conservation, feeding the homeless, children's services, services for the elderly etc.
I too, have had a bit of a troubled disrupted childhood, I'm now 47 years old, married, 4 kids, working P/T, but also feeling just awful. Recently Dx Hashimoto's Thyroiditis, but finding psychological problems are the most debilitating to deal with. Fortunatley, after a bit of searching and trial and error, I now have good medical care, a great GP, a 'lady shrink', ednocrinologist, and a very cheeky neurologist. It has taken about 12-18 months to get this going, so I't didn't happen overnight, and there were more than many 'dark nights of the soul'. :(
So, I came across a quote recently that I'd like to share and it goes like this:-
“people may not have caused all their own problems but they have to solve them anyway” (Linehan, 1993.p.107)
Do take good care of yourself, and let us know how you're getting on,
Regards, Waratah :)
Trang123
08-11-2008, 08:01 AM
Thank you for you post. :angel:You sure have gone thrrugh a lot, I am so sorry. I have realised things that happen when we're younger, do affect us when we get top 40 something. My adopted mom committed suicide in front of me as well when I was 14, and this is only affecting me now, mainly through rejection.
anyway my little son's death anniversary is on 13th Wednedsday, so I may do soemthng special, light a candle, go for walk on beach.
I was doing fine until a stupid woman at my work retrenched me, then all wheels fell off and I went down rapidly wtih depression and all. for 10 years I was stable./ aghhhhhhhhhhhhh life ha ha ha she never even had valid reason I ran her brothers company for 10 years
Thank you for your careing
xxxxxxxxxxxx
anyway my little son's death anniversary is on 13th Wednedsday, so I may do soemthng special, light a candle, go for walk on beach.
I was doing fine until a stupid woman at my work retrenched me, then all wheels fell off and I went down rapidly wtih depression and all. for 10 years I was stable./ aghhhhhhhhhhhhh life ha ha ha she never even had valid reason I ran her brothers company for 10 years
Thank you for your careing
xxxxxxxxxxxx
waratah
08-11-2008, 09:33 AM
:wave:Hi Trang123,
I'll be thinking of you on Wednesday, and your little boy too.
It's funny (or not funny at all) how life works out. I feel I need to share a story. . . .
I had an old girlfriend from school days who became so envious and jealous toward me when we became adults that she refused to take my phone calls. We'd known each other for 35 years, travelled, partied, and were like sisters, then one day about 5 years ago, she just decided she didn't want to speak to me anymore, and excluded me from the gatherings usually frequented by both of us. She literally ostracised me from this particular group of friends!
I too fell into a deep deep despair after her constant slights and missed invitations, for get togethers, and funerals, christmases, etc. etc. left me feeling utterly rejected and lost.
I'd like to say I'm over the hurt now, but this is not true. I still feel it, but not to the same intensity thank goodness. But I've learned from it too, that I have a stronger constitution, that whilst feeling rejected and suicidial at her poor and undeserved treatment toward me, I actually felt sorry for her because, she has nothing in her life at all, except herself. And herself is not a very nice person at all.
My point is this, there are so many ingenuine people in this world, we are very sensitive to their intrigues and games, we are not made of hard rock and sand, but we are sensitive caring, genuine, feeling and loving people.
i feel you are like this also, and I hope you will find purpose and peace in some way in this new location. Treasure your gifts, they are truly valuable.
Link up only with good hearted people, let the nasty miserable users go by. This may help to feel better, because life does continue despite our best efforts to forestall it.
I too will light a candle on Wednesday, a candle for hope, trust, compassion, companionship and love. And I'll be wishing these things for you.
All the best now, waratah :)
I'll be thinking of you on Wednesday, and your little boy too.
It's funny (or not funny at all) how life works out. I feel I need to share a story. . . .
I had an old girlfriend from school days who became so envious and jealous toward me when we became adults that she refused to take my phone calls. We'd known each other for 35 years, travelled, partied, and were like sisters, then one day about 5 years ago, she just decided she didn't want to speak to me anymore, and excluded me from the gatherings usually frequented by both of us. She literally ostracised me from this particular group of friends!
I too fell into a deep deep despair after her constant slights and missed invitations, for get togethers, and funerals, christmases, etc. etc. left me feeling utterly rejected and lost.
I'd like to say I'm over the hurt now, but this is not true. I still feel it, but not to the same intensity thank goodness. But I've learned from it too, that I have a stronger constitution, that whilst feeling rejected and suicidial at her poor and undeserved treatment toward me, I actually felt sorry for her because, she has nothing in her life at all, except herself. And herself is not a very nice person at all.
My point is this, there are so many ingenuine people in this world, we are very sensitive to their intrigues and games, we are not made of hard rock and sand, but we are sensitive caring, genuine, feeling and loving people.
i feel you are like this also, and I hope you will find purpose and peace in some way in this new location. Treasure your gifts, they are truly valuable.
Link up only with good hearted people, let the nasty miserable users go by. This may help to feel better, because life does continue despite our best efforts to forestall it.
I too will light a candle on Wednesday, a candle for hope, trust, compassion, companionship and love. And I'll be wishing these things for you.
All the best now, waratah :)
moderator2
08-12-2008, 09:40 AM
Please bring your attention to the posting policy. Everyone uses this website anonymously. Do not post your real name or your personal website. Thank you!
Trang123
08-13-2008, 08:26 AM
Please accept my apologies ...