Grieving from Hawaii,

As you read, hopefully vicariously, my message is not to evoke sympathy. But to have others see what I didn't see, so that it may not happen to them...I think that's how my late loving wife would have wanted it...for me to reach out, come out of the shadows, now, so maybe others can see that what's in front of them...their spouses and loved ones cries for help are taken seriously.

As the 18th of July saw the her struggles with her health and mental conditions come to an end and so does all the misunderstandings, misdiagnoses, misinterpretations about Daria that people had about her...were just that...misunderstandings, misdiagnoses, misinterpretations that also came to an end. For the doctors, namely her pain management, primary doctor and psychiatrist they can have, and I pray, to the highest degree of pains of guilt for not upholding the sacred, or obviously not too sacred, Hippocratic Oath, which basically means treating the patient to the best of their abilities. And they failed. And they probably could care less.For all they see are the current symptoms and not what exacerbates the symptoms, specifically seeing what's behind the core of the problem. I've failed. And am very sickened for not seeing the symptoms. And I should have been smarter for this. And I've cried a thousand times over.

All her life Daria, the sweetest person one could ever have met, friends to everyone, bringing herself to always lighting up the mood in others. But also having a side of her that her family(mainly her father), doctors and even myself kept questioning because we were all looking at her wrongly. And not as the one that really was only incapacitated with what I think, now, is the bipolar disease conflicting with another report of her having white streaks on her brain. With the help of her grieving mother and sister we're gone over drawers of notes, medical reports, medical surgeries and receipts for all the meds she's been taking from 2002. And it's so sickening to see something that so obvious now... even for myself that has no knowledge of medicine that the stupid doctors, specifically her doctors collectively, couldn't see the obvious.

The obvious was that she pretended chronic pain, hallucination and was delusional and was elevating her self, the people around her, mainly myself and her family to others. Researching the classic symptoms of bipolar they, the doctors collectively, should have treated this disorder. And myself living with her and gaining a better insight on this disease, now, this is what I think she had. And not the pretended disorders, like back pain, knee pain, wrists pain, ankle pain, foot pain...because there wasn't any. On a daily basis I thought she didn't have these ailments. For I thought she was quite mobile around me, but in public she had a different persona, like being ailing and having a hard time walking. But the doctors gave her all the upper tier pain meds, sent her to specialists after specialists and kept writing their prescriptions for sleep disorders, headaches, delusion, hallucinations whereas if they had detected the obvious she probably be here today.

Two summers ago she was hospitalized for some paralysis. And I was convinced that she was a quadriplegic because I watched her for three days and she didn't move. I even yelled at the doctor that was discharging her because I asked where's she going. So they give her one extra night and did additional tests, where I saw someone from physical therapy doing a battery of physical tests.. And subsequently discharged the next day without any consultation with me. So this is one piece of the puzzle I didn't see, for within a day she gradually regained her mobility. And within 3 days she was again walking. For the doctors, then, should have realized they weren't treating a patient with an acute perceived ailment at that time. But probably should have been treating an innate mental problem that I now learn that runs through her family.

Last summer another doctor prescribes that she have one of those infusion pumps surgically installed for all her chronic pain and once again she filters through the system, mainly the psychological tests saying nothing about her being bipolar. Or that last summer's hospitalization didn't raise any red flags.

The kicker is. And it should have raised red flags to all her doctors collectively icontrolling her chronic pain wasn't working for her. I've seen reports where the pain management doctor would give her tons of methadone and she would tell the doctor it wasn't working. And they would try something else, like the infusion pump that they installed, and Daria soon wanting it taken out because it didn't work. But not after that doctor didn't at first botched up the operation letting three months go by where the pump wasn't dispensing medicine into her system. The resulting psychological damage of Daria fighting with her doctor that she could feel the pump wasn't working was only after the patient and not the doctor had x-rays performed collaborating that indeed it wasn't hooked up.

And again the the pain management doctor, maybe embarrassed, soon after taking the pump out doesn't want her as her patient. Likewise her regular psychiatrists doesn't want to continue taking her on as a patient,too. This happened around January when the pump was taken out. And if they're sanitizing the situation then they surely didn't help her out up to the end. For I remember Daria conveying to me that her psychiatrist stigmatized her as being schizophrenic coupled with the falling out with her pain management doctor and the sadness I remember seeing was a red flag I didn't see, mainly she wasn't seeing a psychiatrists the last 7 months. Or really having any support from her doctors, family, friends...and even myself. For she alienated everyone around her and maybe her condition deteriorated and incapacitated my judgment in not seeing the cries for help. Was she continuously fatigue and sleeping, losing interests in the things she liked to do and loss of appetite and delusional and having a slurred speech . All yes. And all signs I should have seen. But I learned only afterwards, too, that being around someone that depressed all the time dehumanizes me someways, too. For the ones reading this jump in there and fight for your loved one. Please. Don't wait until it's too late.

For the ones you love and cherish, maybe like Daria, and looking at what we went through, you can't be oblivious to overlooking the symptom of bipolar disease. For myself I recall when we were first dating how grandiose she elevated herself. She dated people I read about in the news. Her father was wealthy with 5 houses around the world with yachts and Lear jets.She graduated from Yale. And I believed it. But after a time realizing that she lived in fantasy world. And we argued profusely because to me everything she said seemed to be untruths.And she was steadfast that she was telling the truth. And I should have seen this then, during the relationship. And not regretfully when it was too late. And she's gone that maybe she did have a mental problem. And I should have seen this red flag and helped her and supported her then.

Since her passing, I've talked to two of her friends that are also battling chronic pain problems. And we talked about the system. My curiosity led me to asking if patients purposely play the system,and the doctors, in getting their meds. And if Daria had manifested into an addict with the intention of extracting these prescriptions by feigning chronic pain. And at first I thought it was possible. Really. But after talking to people and looking at her reports, especially ones saying she lacked having cogitative skills, it dawned on me that collectively all these doctors should have told me of what signs to look for.They, or somebody, should have awaken me to how perilous her health was. I cried so much for now I realize I wasn't there for her. Even communicating with her friends. And family while she was living could have prevented what may have happened (we don't know yet) if someone would have reached out. And maybe I should have reached out to her family and gain a sense of what maybe wrong with her because it's really sad to go through your spouses belongings, and now, see all the medical reports.

For Daria we can't bring her back. But she would have loved for me to have at least touched one person's life today. And I hope I did, so people can gain a sense of the message that I wrote so others can see...before it's too late.

To Daria,

Life is so fragile. And perilous. And I wished now I would have done more for you, like the simplest of things like rubbing your feet. And opened my eyes at your plight. And cries for help. And now as I unravel the mystery of your life, I wonder, truly, knowing that you loved me so much if you sheltered me away from knowing if maybe your life at the end was terminal. It was not beyond you to suppress this information...as not to have me sickened and worried. And filled with sorrow, guilt and regrets. Remembering back to last Christmas Eve you prompted me to watch the move, "Love Story", with you. And even then you would have seen the tears in my eyes as I watched. Now as I think, maybe that was your signal. And that was a precursor of things to come. When you asked me to watch the movie again a few days latter I said no. And I watched you watching so sadly, maybe thinking how the couple, Oliver and Jennifer, mirrored our lives, especially the happiness we shared...and maybe the failed attempts of having a child, too...and regretfully how Jennifer succumbs to her illness.

Yesterday I saw you for the last time. We brought flowers,flower leis, shell leis, pictures,especially that James Dean poster you always liked and special mementos, like cards, letters, a special embroidered pillow, Christmas ornament and some seashells. Your mother and I made peace with you. And said our special prayers for you. I was holding the special Rosary you had once given to me on my birthday which if you remember me saying that this is the one gift if no mater what the circumstances many years from now are-30,40, 50 years from now this is the one gift I will always remember you by. Who would have thought it would be less than three years. As I looked back at you for the last time I know you would have wanted me to say that love is having to say your never sorry. But I couldn't. Because I am sorry. In the waning days you had asked me if I loved you. And instead of saying a resounding, "yes I do" I instead said there are different degrees of love. For this I am truly sorry. Our neighbors and friends and people you knew at the market, restaurants,nail salon they all expressed their sorrow. I saw the sadness in their eyes. And I cried uncontrollably.

As we left the viewing your mother comforted your baby sister. She loved you very much.And although she looks at me with reservations she may never know the special love we had for each other. And the truths. Later we drove around the island sharing the conversation of your childhood. And special remembrances,especially how you were such a fine swimmer, comedienne and cook. We passed by all the special beaches we went to, many of which I would say, " these are the ones that me and Daria went to...the ones where would sit for 5-6 hours watching the ocean and talking. We passed by the jet ski place where I took you on your birthday. I pointed out the hotels we stayed at. And all the restaurants we went to.And I was so sad, knowing that your were so special to me. When we stopped for a restroom break and it hit me hard remembering all the times you would struggle using the restroom. And how I would stand nervously outside and sometimes coming inside to help you. For effect, I also looked in the mirror many times looking to see if your body guards were following us...the ones you told me you had..and the ones I believed.

As the day ended it hit me real hard. We were returning back home. And I remembered one of our earliest conversations with you about my father. And how he suppressed the information of his terminal illness where he didn't let on to the children about his health. And we only learn how perilous his health was from my mother, who had known but didn't tell us.. And I wondered if this too was your gift to me-not have me be worried. And let you pass quietly.

Tomorrow we'll spread your ashes. And it was only after writing this letter that a revelation hit me. For now I know where. It's the perfect spot, the perfect beach... one that I have many pictures of us from the beginning.

To an older sister,

What a departure for Daria from this Earth with the people she entrusted. Your mother had the urn divided into two, thinking that I take one and she take another one back with her. And come back to Hawaii at a later date.That was her reasoning.This is so wrong. So I said she can take all because I know in my heart of hearts this is what Daria wouldn't want to happen. She wouldn't want to be divided into two. She would want to come back to this Earth as whole. We often talked about this, me and Daria. But your Mom sees otherwise. So we can thank your Mom for playing on everyones consciousness again. I had called six people, including her older brother, and their first responses are that you never do what your Mother had planned.

First hand we listened how one neighbor said to your Mom she "didn't realize how bad Daria's cancer was". Another one upstairs told me the same thing, but saying it was spotted 2 years ago. So what I'm saying here is that your Mom is gaining a picture of how grave Daria's condition was. And the only one by her side was me, seeing and feeling the pain.Yet she never told me because she loved me and wouldn't want me to be worried. So one would think I would have a sense of what Daria would want. Even the younger sister said that Daria would want to have ashes spread into the ocean.

Good Bye Daria, I tried. The pieces of the puzzle are coming into place, and seemingly everything Daria has said about her family, the evilness and meanness of her mother, is indeed coming into place. Yesterday was supposed to have been for Daria. But your Mom sees otherwise.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope that writing down your feelings is helping a little. I'm sure you did all you could for her, you couldn't have seen the future, you couldn't have known what she wasn't telling you.

To her friends,

She carried on like nothing was wrong. In the town of Kaneohe,do you remember seeing a darker complexion women driving a big yellow cart up to the Times market, nail salon and bank. That's my baby. She would always have her sun glasses, a long sleeeve shirt and one of my aloha shirts on. And always talking to people... the fire, EMTs, shaking and saluting soldiers in uniform. She would always hold up the check out line... remember her... always digging for loose change before someone reminded her to quit small talking with the cashiers, which usually was me. She brought such a joy to others lives. Even on a small fixed income she would always get gifts for people, send them cards. Check up on people to see how they were doing. A receptionists called this week, saying just recently Ms. Daria had paid for a young workers haircut at a doctors office. He had drawn her blood. And the story goes that she wanted him to get a haircut.Another called saying he just got excepted to police recruit school. He had worked in the produce department, often getting her the freshest choices. The pharmacist I talked to in person, remembered a fathers day card. Her doctors, I remember her picking a set of Rosaries for each. For others I saw her pick out vases. Another got an etched frame with the grandsons name on it. On and on, she would show such empathy for others. She made quick friends with others and often gave out her phone number and helped one pharmists tech with dating. Another time she saw a young waitress with bruises on her arm and quickly handed her phone number to the waitress.

To her friends. And to me she was such a joy to be around. A self professes comedienne and actress she would do some outstanding skits for me, especially how she could mix her accents.Name it and she could do any accent-British,Muslim, New Yorker, African, ghetto...any impression she wanted to. Watching the poker on TV, she did a great Scotty Nyguen impression. There were other things she did well, like always out debating me...and forever always getting the last word in. She cooked and cleaned like nothing was wrong. Towards the end there...and I'm learning from her closest friends that she had leukemia and she held such a strong posture, literally. I'm told she had been diagnosed three years ago.But the story goes I wasn't suppose to find out anything...and that she truly loved you. Now my mind regresses and I remember the times people would always stop and help us, offering to help her walk back to the car, especially after we had gone swimming and she had hard time without her walker. But once we got home she seemed to be alright to me, often doing her Ms.Medina impressions again. She was great. And I memorialize her by having others be more covetous to their spouses and love ones health and well being now and cherish each moment and day.

To Daria,

Today's the eighth day. The apartment and your belonging are almost cleared out, with your mother staying there until the end of the month. There are so many things that run through my mind, like why you didn't leave me a note. And then it dawned on me if you had it would have looked like more so, a suicide. For this I understand. Although I looked everywhere for one. And I know until your final last breath you were thinking of me. I talked to our favorite neighbor and she was so sad, saying how you had sought her to come outside the night before to talk, the two of you, with her rubbing your back. She also said you gave her a green and white blanket. When I talked to your favorite friends we collectively had broke down and sobbed on the phone. But they had mentioned you had called the night before and you were so up beat. The other childhood friend I called, the one you had a falling out with, sobbed quietly, but didn't say one word. Most of the goodbyes have people saddened with me seeing the expressions on their faces. For you really had touched a lot of people. When we were together in life I didn't see the picture, for you always had an aura of intrigue and I always sought answers, often berating your doctors and scrutinizing your fantasies. And the meds you were taking. Often scolding you for putting too many patches on. And you would take them off earlier in the morning so I wouldn't see them. I now know there was nothing they could have done. There lies the mystery of our life, but you had suppressed it so as not to hurt me. Or burden me with your impending death. And inside it hurts me more now because I wished I was there more for you. Lastly, it was only yesterday that I was looking up the moon phases for July 18th and to see if that would be anything meaningful to you and others that know you closely to see, like a subliminal message...and I think there is. My little denizen, as I called you, and addressed cards to you with elementary drawings of deer, it brings me so much sorrow to cope that your gone. But I coming to realize that your pain is over and you are in a better place.

I am very sorry for the loss of your wife. May you find comfort knowing that Daria is resting and rejoicing in God's glory for eternity.

Dear Daria,

Sixteen days have gone by. And by now, I'm guessing, some other tenants have moved into our old apartment. Please look over them and together let's pray they have a happier and fulfilling life. For the neighbors that were so dear to us, I spent time with each, sharing a meaningful remembrance. And giving a part of you to them, like your plants, household items and teddy bears, in hopes of perpetuating your memory. In leaving I said to them to keep you in their hearts. And to say a little prayer for you. Because that's all there was. For if you were looking down you would have seen what had transpired. And who and whom had took custody of your last wishes. For this I'll have so much disenfranchisement towards them.

Here's a poem that I had written to you. It was only a few months ago that I read this to you. At that time we were just like any other couple, I'm thinking, that argued small things, like how I was washing the dishes and clothes not to your standards. How I wish I had seen what I know now... back then.... Daria will always be loved... And I close out my posting on this web site by thanking those for allowing me to write. And cope. And make sense of what happened. For allowing me to voice my remembrances of Daria, allowed some mending of a broken heart and mind. And for this I'm greatful for the readers that stopped by and read our story. As stated in the first post, my only hope is that someone else having a similar circumstance rushes in there and saves their loved ones or spouses.

My Little Denizen

In the shadow of the trees I see a deer

It's eyes look back at me with tears

For a moment it looks like we know each other

A leaf drop and it runs back to it's mother

Up above,in the blue skies,a flock of birds fly by

And I think of the Heavens as I begin to cry

The breeze touches my face

And I wonder what I'm doing in this place

The Earth will always be green

And we have no control of the unseen

To my best beloved needs,wants and peers

Are so reminiscent of those deer





This poem pretty much sums up our life,regretfully.Because as much as we wanted to ascend,achieve,and acquire most things we ran into-ran away.Most things that we wanted to have in life have alluded us,also. Like having good health. Like having a welcoming family and relatives. So for those that have their little babies(children),their little denizens and that they can covet I feel their happiness. Friends,or long time friends, and family that disappear we can live without because that's not in our control.But the things that have alluded us and my beloved wife,like ever starting a family.And sharing in the birth of a child we couldn't. We even had names picked out,"Oliver" and "Olivia".And at times,my wife and I have pretend dialogues thinking that Oliver and Olivia will some day be born.Sometimes she says,and I can see the excitement in her eyes,"And they would be disciplined,taught-play piano,go to ballet,take art lessons and go to English boarding schools(like my wife did)".And I would nod in agreement, just for her benefit.But when she speaks of the things we miss in life (back then) I can hear the crying in her voice.And see the tears in her eyes. Goodbye, Daria, I will always love you.

Love, Ralph.

I'm so very sorry for your loss. As I read through your posts, the symptoms you are describing sound exactly like multiple sclerosis, including the white streaks in the brain, the paralysis, the cognitive problems, the pain. Since I am also currently dealing with similiar symptoms, though undiagnosed, I know the signs well (and no, I'm most definitely NOT bipolar.) But I do know the frustration of mysterious and unexplainable symptoms and not getting adequate answers from any doctor. It's exhausting and can make you feel at times that you are losing your mind.

Anyway, my prayers are with you and your families in your grief.

I'm sorry for your loss and i am especially sorry that your heart is hurting. It was a beautiful poem you wrote. Please dont beat yourself up anymore like it has been said "She is at peace now and no longer suffers" She sounded like a beautiful person so hold on to your memories and you know she would want you to go on and be happy in your life.........


Bless those who mourn, eternal God,
with the comfort of your love
that they may face each new day with hope
and the certainty that nothing can destroy
the good that has been given. May their memories become joyful,
their days enriched with friendship,
and their lives encircled by your love.

I also feel your loss, myself after loosing my husband, last year. My love goes to you.