I am a 26 year old female. This past spring, I had a one time encounter with a guy where I just kissed him and he tried to finger me but I wouldn't let him. That was the extent of that. Then a couple months later I was dating this other guy for a couple weeks. The extent of what we did was deep kissing and he went down on me for a very short period of time and then I stopped him. A month later I started dating another guy who I did the same things with. The first and third guy have actually been tested and I know are HIV neg. The second guy is an unknown. I have asked him what he thinks and he thinks I am crazy and that he has never been with anyone that had anything. I broke it off with this guy and he was kind of angry about it. I also had this horrible idea of what would happen if this guy had put HIV infected fluid into my food one day (like blood or semen. I know that sounds crazy... I haven't been worried about the chances of having HIV until about two months ago. The idea just popped into my head. Well, when I started looking up the symptoms on the computer, they seemed to be popping up and they won't go away. I got a sinus cold that led a little to my chest. I have swollen lymph nodes behind my ears and down one side of my neck. I am not sure if they are my nodes in my groin because I am not a doctor, but I feel little nodes there too. I am scared to get tested... I just have myself convinced that I am going to be positive. I have talked to so many people and everyone says the chances are really little and the things I did with that guy are almost negligible risks. I don't think of anything else during the day. I am so scared. What is worse is that I am married and have children. I am so scared for them. My husband knows about the guy who is of an unknown status but I have not told him my fears about him. I don't know if I should tell him and then I will be forced to get tested. I just can't do this myself. I am trying, but I am so scared. I don't know what to do. I know i can't live like this anymore because it is effecting my life too much, but what will happen if I do test pos? I have felt nothing but heartache and guilt since the spring, I am not sure that I want to stay with my husband. Please someone help me!!! I have always been a very optimistic person and fun loving, but I feel like I have no future because of the risks I have taken. Please someone shed some light on my situation.

Hi...

I've read your message and it really seems that you should speak with a psychiatrist. They can offer medications and aid you in getting some therapy to deal with these issues. It's not going to go away on its own.

They're not going to lock you away or inject you with tranquilizers and perform experiments on you. Please look into this with your insurance (if you have it) and go for an appointment ASAP, so that you can get back to enjoying your life. I promise you'll be very glad you did.

A little addendum to that:

Stop looking up the symptoms on the internet. That particular list causes undue anxiety for thousands, if not millions, of people. If you have symptoms that bother you, see your physician. You might be surprised and find the symptoms you are experiencing are completely unrelated to HIV infection.

So, you don't think that I was at risk? I keep thinking that I am especially because I have this little rubbery knot down in the groin area and they say that is a sign. I am so scared. I don't know whether or not to tell my husband. I want to so bad because I think it would be fair to him. I just think I have no more life to live and it would kill me to find out I put myself at risk like that.

I went for my test today and the doctor thinks I will be okay. I pray that I will be. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to get through these next few days before my result?

hi, i know exactly what you are feeling, i got tested on wednesday, the 8th. if anyone had been risky, i've been, and beleive me, this is my second test, fist one neg. obviously. i remember feeling so paranoyed when before i took the first one. i had this incurable yeast infection that would keep coming back (well at the time, i thought it was a yeast infection) turns out that i drove myself insane, i kept looking up other symptoms and swore that i had most of them at some point or another, and then started telling people i worked with, it was a health insurance company at the time so there were some nurses i felt close to, and the one nurse told me that i am being paranoyed, so then i decided, it couldn't hiv, so it has to be diabetes cause thats treatable and i kinda chose that over hiv, this sounds crazy but its what i went through at that time, so needless to say, i realized that if i didn't get tested i was gonna go insane so i needed to find out one way or another, so i did it and it was the scariest thing i've ever did, 2 weeks of agony, so the day of my appt. to get the results i brought my best friend with me, and my 6 year old girl with me who fell asleep there in the waiting room with my friend. i went in and the girl was kinda smiling at first when i walked in my heart was throbbing outside of my clothing and i could barely walk into the room, i waited for what seemed to be an agonizing 5 minutes before she came in and i couldn't take it and was about to pass out and she said right away that it was neg. and just writing this down makes me anxious. but let me tell you, what i've learned about hiv is that if you are a heterosexual, from what the doctor told me, it isn't nearly as easy to contract like hep b is, and that in order to be infected, you have to have direct contact with blood. so if a man is hiv pos. and ejaculates in you, it is difficult for you to get it unless you have microscopic cuts or lesions in or around you vagina. so stop the worrying and get tested, the one girl is really paranoyed if she thinks she's contracted from kissing or from a guy inserting a finger in her, that is really not a high risk thing, i'd stop worrying, if anyone is a high risk that would be me and you don't hear me panicking, get yourself to a therapist before you loose your mind.

I do not feel that your behavior holds any risk. Be easy with yourself. You goofed as far as your marriage is concerned and you are paying the price with anxiety and worry about HIV. If you will not put yourself in these situations again, then let it go. I see no risk of HIV here.

I know firsthand the fear of HIV and the anxiety that comes along with it. It truly is a horrible thing. Try to focus on the positives in your life. And know that in all probability, you will be just fine. Hang in there.

I can't help thinking my test is going to come out pos. I am so scared!! I want to tell my husband about the test so I don't have to go through this alone, but I don't want him to worry because he is a constant worrier anyway. Everyone says they believe I will be okay.... what if I am that one person who isn't due to some crazy exposure. I can't even think of the future past friday!! someone please help me get through the next couple days!!

Thank you for your responses to this letter by the way... i would appreciate anyone that could add to this to help through this crazy period.