I lost my husband John to suicide on 8th Julne 2008. We were married for close to 39 years. On the day of suicide he was full of jokes and plans for the future. And then the shot. I have my days that I go through tears, longing, anger etc. I know these are all "stages of grief". I have walked this route before with our son Terence aged 22 that also took his own life. We knew why he took his own life. But for John there was no warning. For the past 3 days I am very angry at him and I feel as though he has betrayed me and what our marriage stood for. If I had to sum up the marriage it was a pretty good one. Not all plain sailing, which is all natural. I know that I should forgive him for only through forgiveness will I let go of the pain. I am trying hard. All I need is reassurance from those who have been in the same boat. I feel guilty at being so mad at John. Please help!

I am so sorry for your loss. I haven't experienced losing my husband, thank God, but I have experienced losing my daughter to SIDS, and several people to suicide in the past. Let yourself feel what you need to feel. Be angry, and sad, and mad, and anything else you feel. Let yourself walk through the motions, and be gentle with yourself. There is NO time limit on how long you can or should feel these things, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Each of us is different, and each of us grieve differently. I have days where the only thing I can manage to do is breath. You have a right to feel angry with him right now. Give yourself some time, and I think the forgiveness will start to come. It's not something you can just decide to feel...it's a gradual process that might take weeks, months or even years. But eventually, you'll feel more forgiving towards him. Suicide is a horrible thing to live through. The pain they feel is excruciating, and they just don't see any other way out.
Again, I'm sorry for your loss-both of them. Try and hang in there...minute by minute, breath by breath. Let yourself feel what ever you need to feel...nothing you feel at this time is wrong, or abnormal. (((hugs)))
Amber

Hi let me begin by saying I know exactly what u feel. I too lost my husband on June 8,2008 and it was a suicide as well. He was happy normal I didn't see anything different or odd. All the emotions you're feeling I've been going through them as well. My husband was 28 and we were married for almost 10yrs. He had a very horrible childhood but he was fine. That day we were watching a basketball game together and he got up and left because our team was lossing. After the game ended as I proceeded to upstairs, I found him hung almost sitting on the stairs. I tried to revive him I tried so hard untill I almost fainted from the cpr. At the hospital all I could do was ask him why did u leave me or at least waited for me. It just hurts so bad that I feel empty drained and that I'm just living for some strange reason. I just don't wanna wake up to this reallity. I feel ur pain and I'm glad I found you because we can understand each other.

I too was widowed on August 2-17 days ago. I feel for you and no one can tell you how you feel. I am still in shock as my husband had a massive heart attack and died in our bed. I am so depressed beyond thinking. As a matter of fact, I am functioning like a zombie. I know that in time I will be able to cope. But not to miss him, no, that will never happen. May you know that I will put you in my prayers. Didi

Hi,

Thank you for replying to my post. It just goes to show we are never alone. I am so sorry for your loss. We share the same sadness, pain and frustrations and other feelings. I am sure you feel as lost and vulnerable as I do. Some days are just worse than others. Your husband was still young. But the age of widowhood does not discriminate between young and old. Rest assured you tried your best to revive him. Isn’t it amazing that even through your shock that you tried CPR on him! My husband John was 60 yrs old and we were married for almost 39 years. He shot himself. He locked himself in our bedroom. When I heard the shot I was stunned for I don’t know how long. How I managed to drive to a friends home a distance away I still don’t know. I can’t remember driving there. This is not the first time that there has been a suicide in the family. Our son, Terence at the age of 22 took his own life 16 years ago. This does not go to say it makes the experience any easier; very different in many ways. John was full of jokes the whole day. Nothing seems to make sense. Writing about your feelings will help you, as it does for me; it won’t take the pain and loneliness away but it will ease your burden. Just remember we have not lost everything ~ there will always be wonderful memories to live by. I do hope that you will stay in touch so that we can share our feelings. I wish you well.

I am so sorry for your loss. I haven't experienced losing my husband, thank God, but I have experienced losing my daughter to SIDS, and several people to suicide in the past. Let yourself feel what you need to feel. Be angry, and sad, and mad, and anything else you feel. Let yourself walk through the motions, and be gentle with yourself. There is NO time limit on how long you can or should feel these things, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Each of us is different, and each of us grieve differently. I have days where the only thing I can manage to do is breath. You have a right to feel angry with him right now. Give yourself some time, and I think the forgiveness will start to come. It's not something you can just decide to feel...it's a gradual process that might take weeks, months or even years. But eventually, you'll feel more forgiving towards him. Suicide is a horrible thing to live through. The pain they feel is excruciating, and they just don't see any other way out.
Again, I'm sorry for your loss-both of them. Try and hang in there...minute by minute, breath by breath. Let yourself feel what ever you need to feel...nothing you feel at this time is wrong, or abnormal. (((hugs)))
Amber
Thank you so much for you kind and uplifting words. To suffer the loss of a child is something one can never explain to anyone who has not travelled that route. In many ways it is quite different than that of a husband. May you too find comfort in the memories that you keep in your heart forever. That is something nobody can take from us. Grief remains like a ride on a rollercoaster, somedays up and others down. Blessings

Hi Didi,

I am so sorry for your loss. I can understand that you feel like a zombie. It is completely natural to feel this way. I do the silliest things that I even have to laugh at myself. That is something all widows have in common [I think]. Allow yourself many quirky things to remember your husband by and when you are at your lowest it will bring a smile to your heart. Thank you for adding me to your prayer list ~ as I will do you. Keep in touch. Elshia