maybecrazy
07-29-2008, 07:40 AM
HI Everyone,
I've been away from the boards for a while, couldn't face it, drew myself back into my shell and stayed there. Went back to a Psychologist who had helped me in the past and he has made a difference to how I feel - but now it feels like everything is stirred up again, I'm jumpy and still not sleeping well even though i'm on anti-depressants (Avanza) which put me to sleep I still wake up frequently.
And now the set of visits is at an end again, and I am back on my own and back on the boards....... I seem to be stuck in a loop - I shut everything down, see my psych get everything back up and then it's like every switch in my head is turned on and racing, it's like I'm always ready to run.
I know it's not as bad as it was and I have made headway - but sometimes I feel like shouting at the top of my lungs "I just want it to be over!" I wonder if the man who attacked me ever wonders what harm he did - somehow I doubt it - there is an option I can look at to see my psyche again but I am afraid he will say no and as he is the only one I trust now - that would destroy me if he said no or he couldn't - just venting guys -
MBC
I've been away from the boards for a while, couldn't face it, drew myself back into my shell and stayed there. Went back to a Psychologist who had helped me in the past and he has made a difference to how I feel - but now it feels like everything is stirred up again, I'm jumpy and still not sleeping well even though i'm on anti-depressants (Avanza) which put me to sleep I still wake up frequently.
And now the set of visits is at an end again, and I am back on my own and back on the boards....... I seem to be stuck in a loop - I shut everything down, see my psych get everything back up and then it's like every switch in my head is turned on and racing, it's like I'm always ready to run.
I know it's not as bad as it was and I have made headway - but sometimes I feel like shouting at the top of my lungs "I just want it to be over!" I wonder if the man who attacked me ever wonders what harm he did - somehow I doubt it - there is an option I can look at to see my psyche again but I am afraid he will say no and as he is the only one I trust now - that would destroy me if he said no or he couldn't - just venting guys -
MBC
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Phoenix
08-07-2008, 01:03 PM
Hello MBC,
Did you begin feeling discomfort when you knew that the sessions would end?
Why do you feel that your psychologist would not see you(if you don't mind me asking)?
Remember that if there is a will there is surely a way.
Take care.
Phoenix
Did you begin feeling discomfort when you knew that the sessions would end?
Why do you feel that your psychologist would not see you(if you don't mind me asking)?
Remember that if there is a will there is surely a way.
Take care.
Phoenix
maybecrazy
08-10-2008, 03:54 AM
Hi Phoenix,
I have been wired for a while, the psychologist really helped me and I am scared (i seem to be scared all the time lately) that I still need help and will have no access to it - it's like having a lifeline and knowing that the rope is burning through - stupid I know,
I havnt asked the psych about keeping seeing him - I guess that I have a HUGE fear of rejection - from childhood which i should be over but I'm not - I guess I just have to ask him
just spoke to him on phone at the moment i am ringing him once a week - i suppose ona maintenance plan maybe? for just a few minutes - found out i still have 1 more visit yet to come so can ask him then - i am just afraid (i hate that word!) that I will slip back again - don't know if i can go through this again MBC
I have been wired for a while, the psychologist really helped me and I am scared (i seem to be scared all the time lately) that I still need help and will have no access to it - it's like having a lifeline and knowing that the rope is burning through - stupid I know,
I havnt asked the psych about keeping seeing him - I guess that I have a HUGE fear of rejection - from childhood which i should be over but I'm not - I guess I just have to ask him
just spoke to him on phone at the moment i am ringing him once a week - i suppose ona maintenance plan maybe? for just a few minutes - found out i still have 1 more visit yet to come so can ask him then - i am just afraid (i hate that word!) that I will slip back again - don't know if i can go through this again MBC
Phoenix
08-22-2008, 07:21 AM
Hello MBC,
Please keep in mind that anything worth attaining is going to take some effort on your behalf.
You don't want to be riddled with the "what if's", which can lead to regret and sometimes introverted anger.
Phoenix
Please keep in mind that anything worth attaining is going to take some effort on your behalf.
You don't want to be riddled with the "what if's", which can lead to regret and sometimes introverted anger.
Phoenix
maybecrazy
08-29-2008, 04:39 AM
thanks phoenix, i get really angry with myself for being such a chicken - it's not how i used to be.... or maybe i just masked it before, i just have to say what i feel and let the cards fall where they may - somthing im not used to doing - wish me luck - anyway maybe i am strong enough to e on my own now... we'll see. take care
MBC
MBC
waratah
08-29-2008, 04:55 AM
Hi MBC,
Nice to hear from you again here on the boards.
I read your earlier posts and was wondering like Pheonix if your lifeline to the therapist is just that.
We all need to feel safe and proteced, you said you trusted him, but feel that he may reject you if you ask for more help. Gee, there's so much there I'm nearly afraid to ask you but I will anyway, cause like you, I believe in speaking up too.
What sort of relationship did you have with your own father?
It is OK if your therapist assumes this role in your life, it really is OK to feel warmly toward someone who is providing you with emotional support.
Just remember that this is his role, just as it was your father's role to be a father to you.
Also, you were assulted, do not be so hard on yourself on getting better, being well, getting on with things - these are the expectations of others who no doubt with you well, but they do not walk in your shoes, and thus can not comprehend your distress.
I hope that at your next therapy visit, you can discuss your feelings with him, let him know that you need his proffessional support, and WHY, if you possibly can do this too.
With eeach of the proffessionls I see I have different relationships with each that are similar in feeling to real life relationships. I have a big sister relationship with my psychologist, a somewhat feared great aunt relationship with my psychiatrist, and a close cousin relationship with my new GP, who's just lovely. But I do not have, nor have I ever had a father relationship, I can only postulate as to why this is so.
But whatever works for you, and is good for you, you must keep doing. If you trust this guy, then tell him you trust him, if you need him tell him. He will respond positively.
And if there are any problems, get back here asap, and there are plenty of people here ready to help with names of great psychologists, and other professionals who are more than willing to help you.
Don't be afraid to ask.
Best wishes, waratah {{{{ hugs }}}}
Nice to hear from you again here on the boards.
I read your earlier posts and was wondering like Pheonix if your lifeline to the therapist is just that.
We all need to feel safe and proteced, you said you trusted him, but feel that he may reject you if you ask for more help. Gee, there's so much there I'm nearly afraid to ask you but I will anyway, cause like you, I believe in speaking up too.
What sort of relationship did you have with your own father?
It is OK if your therapist assumes this role in your life, it really is OK to feel warmly toward someone who is providing you with emotional support.
Just remember that this is his role, just as it was your father's role to be a father to you.
Also, you were assulted, do not be so hard on yourself on getting better, being well, getting on with things - these are the expectations of others who no doubt with you well, but they do not walk in your shoes, and thus can not comprehend your distress.
I hope that at your next therapy visit, you can discuss your feelings with him, let him know that you need his proffessional support, and WHY, if you possibly can do this too.
With eeach of the proffessionls I see I have different relationships with each that are similar in feeling to real life relationships. I have a big sister relationship with my psychologist, a somewhat feared great aunt relationship with my psychiatrist, and a close cousin relationship with my new GP, who's just lovely. But I do not have, nor have I ever had a father relationship, I can only postulate as to why this is so.
But whatever works for you, and is good for you, you must keep doing. If you trust this guy, then tell him you trust him, if you need him tell him. He will respond positively.
And if there are any problems, get back here asap, and there are plenty of people here ready to help with names of great psychologists, and other professionals who are more than willing to help you.
Don't be afraid to ask.
Best wishes, waratah {{{{ hugs }}}}
maybecrazy
08-29-2008, 05:20 AM
Hi Waratah,
Never be afraid to ask me anything - what relationship did i have with my father - i thought he was wonderful - because he was to me - he was kind and caring and supportive - and i was always trying to get my mum adn dad back together - when i was fiveteen my elder sister had enough of this and told me how he had sexually and phsysically assaulted her and two other siblings for approx 10 years! - my world crumbled - the man I trusted most in the world was.... well i'v told you what he was - it was all a lie - and I still had to see him and was sworn to secrecy by my older sister - i had been abused when i was a lot younger and now I was convinced that it was bad blood - I don't give trust easily but when I met this psychologist (the third I had seen with no positive result) from the minute I spoke with him I knew instinctively he could be trusted - it's hard to say how but I just knew - and he has been the only one to help me - how do i see him? as a coach - not a father figure - I don't believe in father figures - they - for me - arte just liars - I have been so low and have self harmed before i saw him - that i am afraid of what i am capable of
if you had asked me two years ago if i would self harm i would have said it would never happen - but i am stronger now in many ways and weaker in others - as a small child i was often abandoned and rejected by my family and physically abused to a very small degree and so i think that is why i dont want to ask - although he is not family - i know pathetic isnt it ! I AM SO ANGRY WITH MYSELF! I do feel sometimes like a small scared child - but that happens with others too - just weak - but i WILL be stronger - I CAN be stronger, when I said i wanted to tell him how i feel - that was that i felt afraid and small and lost and I am ashamed to feel that way. MBC
Never be afraid to ask me anything - what relationship did i have with my father - i thought he was wonderful - because he was to me - he was kind and caring and supportive - and i was always trying to get my mum adn dad back together - when i was fiveteen my elder sister had enough of this and told me how he had sexually and phsysically assaulted her and two other siblings for approx 10 years! - my world crumbled - the man I trusted most in the world was.... well i'v told you what he was - it was all a lie - and I still had to see him and was sworn to secrecy by my older sister - i had been abused when i was a lot younger and now I was convinced that it was bad blood - I don't give trust easily but when I met this psychologist (the third I had seen with no positive result) from the minute I spoke with him I knew instinctively he could be trusted - it's hard to say how but I just knew - and he has been the only one to help me - how do i see him? as a coach - not a father figure - I don't believe in father figures - they - for me - arte just liars - I have been so low and have self harmed before i saw him - that i am afraid of what i am capable of
if you had asked me two years ago if i would self harm i would have said it would never happen - but i am stronger now in many ways and weaker in others - as a small child i was often abandoned and rejected by my family and physically abused to a very small degree and so i think that is why i dont want to ask - although he is not family - i know pathetic isnt it ! I AM SO ANGRY WITH MYSELF! I do feel sometimes like a small scared child - but that happens with others too - just weak - but i WILL be stronger - I CAN be stronger, when I said i wanted to tell him how i feel - that was that i felt afraid and small and lost and I am ashamed to feel that way. MBC
waratah
08-29-2008, 05:58 AM
Hi Waratah,
I AM SO ANGRY WITH MYSELF! I do feel sometimes like a small scared child - but that happens with others too - just weak - but i WILL be stronger - I CAN be stronger, when I said i wanted to tell him how i feel - that was that i felt afraid and small and lost and I am ashamed to feel that way. MBC
MBC, I understand really I do understand. This is me too, why oh why do I feel so alone in this world, scared, frightened, unsure of who can be trusted. I do not entirely know the answer to this, but do know that these are real feelings, and are shared by so many people who were abused as children. And in saying this, I find validation in this little phrase:
"it just is what it is"
And this little phrase allows me to feel whatever I am feeling, without having to justify why and when, and how and to whom I am feeling that way.
Take care no MBC, I'll check in again sometime tomorrow, until then, pleas know that I do understand these feelings. And recently I have found it amazaing how many other people who've been abused as children, have exactly the same feelings. It is like a shared history. . . .mmmm have to think about that one some more at a later time.
Take care now, {{{{ hugs }}}}
waratah x x x
I AM SO ANGRY WITH MYSELF! I do feel sometimes like a small scared child - but that happens with others too - just weak - but i WILL be stronger - I CAN be stronger, when I said i wanted to tell him how i feel - that was that i felt afraid and small and lost and I am ashamed to feel that way. MBC
MBC, I understand really I do understand. This is me too, why oh why do I feel so alone in this world, scared, frightened, unsure of who can be trusted. I do not entirely know the answer to this, but do know that these are real feelings, and are shared by so many people who were abused as children. And in saying this, I find validation in this little phrase:
"it just is what it is"
And this little phrase allows me to feel whatever I am feeling, without having to justify why and when, and how and to whom I am feeling that way.
Take care no MBC, I'll check in again sometime tomorrow, until then, pleas know that I do understand these feelings. And recently I have found it amazaing how many other people who've been abused as children, have exactly the same feelings. It is like a shared history. . . .mmmm have to think about that one some more at a later time.
Take care now, {{{{ hugs }}}}
waratah x x x
Phoenix
08-29-2008, 09:14 AM
i just have to say what i feel and let the cards fall where they may
MBC,
You can do it.
View it as "the first day of the rest of your life."
Phoenix
MBC,
You can do it.
View it as "the first day of the rest of your life."
Phoenix
maybecrazy
08-31-2008, 02:19 AM
Hi Waratah,
you're right, there are a lot of us out there and many have stories far worse than mine, and we are survivers - I hate that word too - it seems to say to be a survivor you have had to be a victim - maybe when i was a child i was but i will never be again! although when symptoms come abck it seems that way - but i am strong and will be stronger every day that i survive/thrive? every day that any of us smile or share a laugh with a friend is asmall significent victory in the fight that we are in - I guess my hardest thing is acceptance and letting go - yes I know im not alone in that - take care MBC
Hi Phoenix,
thank you for your encouragement - I will really try - it's hard for me to admit that i am afraid because i always felt/feel that if you are afraid then - i don't know - it's like admitting - or setting yourself up as a victim - not the right words - hard to explain - and i seem to be afraid a lot - someone who threatened me in the past got my mobile number lately - and when he rang i ended up checking under the bed and in cupboards - STUPID! - overreacting - he's related by marriage and i see him occassionally but i dint' want him to have my mobile - yet he know my home number - so how dumb am i - somehow him getting my number whenid idnt want him to - it's like him showing me he can do what he wants - i know - over reaction again - im not making much sense - thanks again for your suport and i will be completely honest when i next see my psych - fear or not. - take care MBC
you're right, there are a lot of us out there and many have stories far worse than mine, and we are survivers - I hate that word too - it seems to say to be a survivor you have had to be a victim - maybe when i was a child i was but i will never be again! although when symptoms come abck it seems that way - but i am strong and will be stronger every day that i survive/thrive? every day that any of us smile or share a laugh with a friend is asmall significent victory in the fight that we are in - I guess my hardest thing is acceptance and letting go - yes I know im not alone in that - take care MBC
Hi Phoenix,
thank you for your encouragement - I will really try - it's hard for me to admit that i am afraid because i always felt/feel that if you are afraid then - i don't know - it's like admitting - or setting yourself up as a victim - not the right words - hard to explain - and i seem to be afraid a lot - someone who threatened me in the past got my mobile number lately - and when he rang i ended up checking under the bed and in cupboards - STUPID! - overreacting - he's related by marriage and i see him occassionally but i dint' want him to have my mobile - yet he know my home number - so how dumb am i - somehow him getting my number whenid idnt want him to - it's like him showing me he can do what he wants - i know - over reaction again - im not making much sense - thanks again for your suport and i will be completely honest when i next see my psych - fear or not. - take care MBC
maybecrazy
09-08-2008, 06:29 AM
A quick update,
I am feeling more stable - I told my psyche how I seemed to be afraid of everything at the moment and he has given me some coping strategies - also the fact that I now have some childhood memories (couldn't remember it before) seems to have settled - now at least I know why i shut out all the memories - still can't resolve my mother knowing what was going on - time will tell - maybe I'm not quite as crazy as I thought I was.....then again!
Also told my psyche about feeling out on a limb and he has re-assured me on that - so that's good too.
I'm still checking cupboards and under beds and having nightmares - but hey that's one step back from where I was before - now i'm just anxious, not scared all the time. take care MBC
I am feeling more stable - I told my psyche how I seemed to be afraid of everything at the moment and he has given me some coping strategies - also the fact that I now have some childhood memories (couldn't remember it before) seems to have settled - now at least I know why i shut out all the memories - still can't resolve my mother knowing what was going on - time will tell - maybe I'm not quite as crazy as I thought I was.....then again!
Also told my psyche about feeling out on a limb and he has re-assured me on that - so that's good too.
I'm still checking cupboards and under beds and having nightmares - but hey that's one step back from where I was before - now i'm just anxious, not scared all the time. take care MBC
waratah
09-08-2008, 08:23 AM
Hi MBC,
Nice to see you back here on the boards again. Also, glad things went fine with the psych you're seeing.
Seems to me that it is a good thing to have someone to go to when those darstadly symptoms rear up and consume your every existence.
I also had a good visit with the 'lady shrink' last week :), but picked up a few more labels and dropped one off label. . . . . .lol.:rolleyes: (sarcasam)
These psych's seem to have a label for just about every presentation for all the range of human diversity available on this planet. :jester:
In terms of the labeling, I kept the BPD, dropped PTSD (apparently I don't have classic symptoms- too too funny! :o), but gained a couple of others. But the BPD is now termed 'compensated BPD'. What on earth is this?
Does anyone know what is 'compensated borderline personality with dissociation'? It nearly sounds like some obscure menu item from one of those dodgey 'cheap eat' places. . . . . .lol. :D
My goodness me, this has been a very trying time! I have to say that I am just so 'over this whole business'.
Somtimes I just feel like I'm completely loosing the plot, going stark raving looney, and as silly as a mad woman's breakfast!
Other times, I'm still functioning reasonably well, going to work 3 days, looking after my 2 teenagers, picking up - droping off, sports, shopping, cooking, cleaning. But feel just like I'm in a complete fog, and operating in some type of parallel universe. It's like I'm in a dream sequence in a 'B' rate Aussie movie - and I just want the movie to end so I can leave the theatre and go home.
Sorry to rant and rave on your post MBC, but feeling quite tired, exhausted and overwhellmed at present. Feeling like I just want to hide under my doona, and not emerge for a very very long time. :confused:
regards, waratah x x x
Nice to see you back here on the boards again. Also, glad things went fine with the psych you're seeing.
Seems to me that it is a good thing to have someone to go to when those darstadly symptoms rear up and consume your every existence.
I also had a good visit with the 'lady shrink' last week :), but picked up a few more labels and dropped one off label. . . . . .lol.:rolleyes: (sarcasam)
These psych's seem to have a label for just about every presentation for all the range of human diversity available on this planet. :jester:
In terms of the labeling, I kept the BPD, dropped PTSD (apparently I don't have classic symptoms- too too funny! :o), but gained a couple of others. But the BPD is now termed 'compensated BPD'. What on earth is this?
Does anyone know what is 'compensated borderline personality with dissociation'? It nearly sounds like some obscure menu item from one of those dodgey 'cheap eat' places. . . . . .lol. :D
My goodness me, this has been a very trying time! I have to say that I am just so 'over this whole business'.
Somtimes I just feel like I'm completely loosing the plot, going stark raving looney, and as silly as a mad woman's breakfast!
Other times, I'm still functioning reasonably well, going to work 3 days, looking after my 2 teenagers, picking up - droping off, sports, shopping, cooking, cleaning. But feel just like I'm in a complete fog, and operating in some type of parallel universe. It's like I'm in a dream sequence in a 'B' rate Aussie movie - and I just want the movie to end so I can leave the theatre and go home.
Sorry to rant and rave on your post MBC, but feeling quite tired, exhausted and overwhellmed at present. Feeling like I just want to hide under my doona, and not emerge for a very very long time. :confused:
regards, waratah x x x
maybecrazy
09-09-2008, 11:41 PM
HI Waratah,
I know what you mean about the labels - when i saw my first psychologist the man told me i was just sad about being attacked and to go home and "get over it" - the next one told me it was my childhood that was the problem and not being attacked (hmm couldnt remember my childhood at that stage so had no probs with that!) and that i was just depressed - was having nightmares, flachbacks, hyperalertness, wnated ton protect everyone everywhere and make everyone safe, wasn't sleeping more than a couple of hours because of the nightmares about the attack and being afraid (hate that word ) to sleep and he said i was depressed but didnt have ptsd -:confused:
If this is a movie i don't think they are paying us enough! ;) sometmes it does feel like you are just going through the motions, fallling apart on the inside and nobody can see on the outside - sometimes the shields we put up to protect us from the world do more harm than good, havnt heard of compensated bpd with dissociateive disorder - but then i think they make a term up a week just to confuse us:)
the hiding under the doona thing - tried that - life has a tendancy to keep knocking till you take notice - at least that's what i found and if you hide out then the probs are still there when you come out unfortunately - hang in there - keep talking to friends family here anyone that will listen and maybe if it helps write it all down - all the crazy things that come into your head and then later on reason it out. Take Care MBC
I know what you mean about the labels - when i saw my first psychologist the man told me i was just sad about being attacked and to go home and "get over it" - the next one told me it was my childhood that was the problem and not being attacked (hmm couldnt remember my childhood at that stage so had no probs with that!) and that i was just depressed - was having nightmares, flachbacks, hyperalertness, wnated ton protect everyone everywhere and make everyone safe, wasn't sleeping more than a couple of hours because of the nightmares about the attack and being afraid (hate that word ) to sleep and he said i was depressed but didnt have ptsd -:confused:
If this is a movie i don't think they are paying us enough! ;) sometmes it does feel like you are just going through the motions, fallling apart on the inside and nobody can see on the outside - sometimes the shields we put up to protect us from the world do more harm than good, havnt heard of compensated bpd with dissociateive disorder - but then i think they make a term up a week just to confuse us:)
the hiding under the doona thing - tried that - life has a tendancy to keep knocking till you take notice - at least that's what i found and if you hide out then the probs are still there when you come out unfortunately - hang in there - keep talking to friends family here anyone that will listen and maybe if it helps write it all down - all the crazy things that come into your head and then later on reason it out. Take Care MBC