lauren007
08-12-2008, 05:10 PM
Hi, I'm new here, only just registered. I've been diagnosed with ptsd and major depressive disorder. i'm an ex-detective and have seen many horrendous things. i used to be friendly and easy to talk to, now i'm just a scared person that hides from the world and stays in her shell. i can't even phone my friends, nevermind see them. my relationship is deteriorating. even though i know that u uys will never really know who i am, i'm still scared cos i'm taliking to other people and i have made it a habit of backing off from contact with anyone. as i'm typing this, my stomach is in a knot. i know that i was a very strong person before this and the fact that i can't even do simple things without becoming scared and anxious makes me feel as if i'm a failure. i don't want to be like this anymore, i don;t want to feel this way, i want to be my old, happy go lucky, outgoing self. when does it ever get better? when??:confused::(:mad:
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alyson5
08-13-2008, 06:02 PM
I grew up in a very traumatic household. My father was a Lt. Col and he ran our family like a prison camp. We were controlled by fear. There were seven of us in the family and we sat around the dinner table using perfect table manners and never say a word at the table for fear of being beaten. My brother was beat at age 8 when his tooth scraped his tooth. This is one example of why we could be beaten. I was the youngest of 5 children and have had depression and anxiety all my life. I believe all my sibling, including my self suffer from ptsd. I have been going to a Christ-centered 12 steps program and it is helping me, although it has been very painful to go over my past. I understand the depression and anxiety though.
Sinopa2
08-14-2008, 04:44 PM
Hi Lauren -
I'm so sorry to hear you're in this situation. I've always thought detective work must be very difficult; I'm sorry it was so hard on you in this way!
About 18 months ago I was sexually assaulted, and in the weeks immediately afterward, my biggest, most pressing concern was - when will it get better?!! I think I can sympathize with you on that note. BUT, I'd like to offer some encouragement - it DID get better, eventually - even though it felt absolutely interminable at the time! For me it was about a month and half of the worst phase (where I really couldn't convince myself that it would ever change) and maybe another two months until I could sorta feel normal again. I reckon the schedule's different for everybody... but I absolutely believe that nobody stays in that horrible place forever, even if it seems like you will at the time.
If you feel you can share more here about what you're going through, please do! Hang in there!
I'm so sorry to hear you're in this situation. I've always thought detective work must be very difficult; I'm sorry it was so hard on you in this way!
About 18 months ago I was sexually assaulted, and in the weeks immediately afterward, my biggest, most pressing concern was - when will it get better?!! I think I can sympathize with you on that note. BUT, I'd like to offer some encouragement - it DID get better, eventually - even though it felt absolutely interminable at the time! For me it was about a month and half of the worst phase (where I really couldn't convince myself that it would ever change) and maybe another two months until I could sorta feel normal again. I reckon the schedule's different for everybody... but I absolutely believe that nobody stays in that horrible place forever, even if it seems like you will at the time.
If you feel you can share more here about what you're going through, please do! Hang in there!
maybecrazy
08-14-2008, 11:06 PM
hi lauren007
I can understand the fear thing - I seem to be afraid of everything, I didn't think I was still scared but I started to write about how I feel about things and just writing down whatever comes into my head and fear kept popping up in relation to a lot of things, it's almost like you are two people - one before whatever has happened to you and one after - and that new one is different and somtimes I don't like her much or even at all - but I am trying to change that - somehow you have to bring the two together -
I know that finding a good psychologist has helped me a lot ( he was the 3rd I'd seen) I know that I am in a much better place in my head than I have ever been - at times it's still hard and then I post here wher I know people will understand. I really hope you are getting some help and the hardest thing is often to push yourself to get help - keep posting here - there are a lot of supportive people here who do understand what you are going through - it's different for every person but we all share some things in common - take care MBC
I can understand the fear thing - I seem to be afraid of everything, I didn't think I was still scared but I started to write about how I feel about things and just writing down whatever comes into my head and fear kept popping up in relation to a lot of things, it's almost like you are two people - one before whatever has happened to you and one after - and that new one is different and somtimes I don't like her much or even at all - but I am trying to change that - somehow you have to bring the two together -
I know that finding a good psychologist has helped me a lot ( he was the 3rd I'd seen) I know that I am in a much better place in my head than I have ever been - at times it's still hard and then I post here wher I know people will understand. I really hope you are getting some help and the hardest thing is often to push yourself to get help - keep posting here - there are a lot of supportive people here who do understand what you are going through - it's different for every person but we all share some things in common - take care MBC
lauren007
08-15-2008, 02:50 PM
Hi, thank you very much for your reply. I was also raped as a teenager and that was why I joined the police. It was a passion of mine to help and protect people especially those that went through what we went through. I feel as though I've let the innocent down now that I have resigned, even though I know that I have to take care of myself. It feels good to be able to speak to people that know and understand what we are going through. I often feel as though I'm an alien, no-one seems to get me and people often think that I'm a drama queen. It gives me a sliver of hope knowing that I have support and understanding. I'm happy that you are doing a bit better and I know that your situation will get even better. We all deserve to live happy and fulfilled lives and I know that we all will. Again, thank you for your motivation and encouragement. It really means so much to me.
lauren007
08-15-2008, 03:11 PM
Hi. maybecrazy, I hate that fearful part of me too. I have started a jouranl but I find that I become too despondent to continue writing. I will keep trying though. I can't remember how many psychologists I've seen since my teenage years. I also had an abused childhood. My mom abused me, I was raped and have had several suicide attempts behind my name. I thank God that I've left the police and no longer have my firearm. I have in the past held it to my head but just couldn't pull the trigger. On good days I believe that I have a purpose to fulfill here on earth and I try to get better in order to achieve that but on stormy days I just feel that there's no point. I have finally find a psychologist that i feel comfortable and SAFE with. She is truly amazing. I wish that I could be with her 24-7. I have a weekly session with her and when I step out of her office I feel so good, I feel and believe that I can concer the world. That feeling doesn't last long though. There are lots of issues that I still need to deal with and reliving those experiences makes me scared. I have made some progress though. Before I avoided the tv news and newspapers because they triggered flash backs. I was at a child murder scene one day and an ornament was used to beat the child. For a long time, I used to avoid a certain area because I saw the ornament there. I dealt with that in therapy and it was very painful, but now I can go to the other place where I saw the ornament and I can look at it and it's ok, I'm okay. My therapist suggested going through magazines and newspapers and cuting out words and articles that meant or triggered something. I did that, it was also painful and very difficult but now I can read newspapers and watch the tv news. I worked at two of my collegues/friends murder scenes and one's suicide scene and that tore my heart out. There was a stage when I was doing well and then another cop friend committed suicide. That set me back alot. I became aggressive, kicked down a toilet door and assaulted a male that had beaten his mother. Do you also become aggressive. I reach a stage where I just lose it and pysically strike out at people. My fiance has just bought me a punch bag and I bought myself some excercise dvd's. I know that I have to use them and I want to but I just get so demotivated and down then I think, "why bother, you doomed to his life anyway". I know that it will get easier but it just doesn't always feel that way. But I will try to keep writing. Thank you for your input. It has helped. I felt really down just before I read your guys e-mails. Now I'm sitting here, feeling much better, I have a smile on my face and some hope in my heart. THANK YOU VERY, VERY MUCH. Take care, till next time.
waratah
08-16-2008, 04:07 AM
Hi lauren007, maybecrazy, alyson5 and Sinopa2,
I have a number of diagnosis, and PTSD is just one of them. (Others include CFD, BPD, Hashimoto's Thyroiditis)
Like many of you I also had a truamatic and disrupted childhood, sexual abuse, neglect, mentally ill mother, no family et.c etc. - - oh well, I'm still here on this earth. :)
Now I have good medical and psyhology help, and good friends, and all this makes the world of difference. :D Nevertheless, from time to time I find myself on a downward spiral and this occured again just recently despite all the good things in my life there is a part of me that is quite vulnerable, and it has taken me 47 years to even begin to come to realise that something has been quite wrong my whole life. I'm wary and frightened of people, I do not trust easily, I'm suspicous of others motives, and from time to time I just melt down into despair, desolation, anxiety and do not function at all.
Forward is the only direction to go, and this quote helps to keep it in perspective:
"people may not have caused all their own problems,
but they have to solve them anyway"
Take care now, and please keep posting to here, It is just so great to share our feelings and thoughts on this matter.
Best wishes to all, waratah :angel:
I have a number of diagnosis, and PTSD is just one of them. (Others include CFD, BPD, Hashimoto's Thyroiditis)
Like many of you I also had a truamatic and disrupted childhood, sexual abuse, neglect, mentally ill mother, no family et.c etc. - - oh well, I'm still here on this earth. :)
Now I have good medical and psyhology help, and good friends, and all this makes the world of difference. :D Nevertheless, from time to time I find myself on a downward spiral and this occured again just recently despite all the good things in my life there is a part of me that is quite vulnerable, and it has taken me 47 years to even begin to come to realise that something has been quite wrong my whole life. I'm wary and frightened of people, I do not trust easily, I'm suspicous of others motives, and from time to time I just melt down into despair, desolation, anxiety and do not function at all.
Forward is the only direction to go, and this quote helps to keep it in perspective:
"people may not have caused all their own problems,
but they have to solve them anyway"
Take care now, and please keep posting to here, It is just so great to share our feelings and thoughts on this matter.
Best wishes to all, waratah :angel:
maybecrazy
08-16-2008, 07:11 AM
Hi Lauren,
I have outbursts of anger, i over react - I used to be very patient and the people at work said that I took everything in my stride, now things seem to push ny buttons - I havnt been aggressive to others i turned to self harm turning my anger inwards - but my psychologist has helped me stop that - amd I am trying to be the person i was before - i am sorry that you have had so much sorrow in your life - but i am glad you have a good psychologist - i too would live in the safety of his office if i could - but we have to make our way in the real world and they are there to help us - we are so lucky as there are people out there who have no help - i am glad you have found someone too - i had to work where i was attacked the next day and so have gradually worked through the scene and taken away the pain and fear from that but sometimes it comes back to visit - i remember reading somewhere that we can't always control what happens to us but we can control how we react to it - thats what i am trying to do - i wish you well - take care
hi sinopa 2 - i am glad you are making headway after the terrible thing that happened to you - take care
hi waratah,
reading how you feel when you are vulnerable - it could have been me speaking - it was only after i was attacked and was in therapy that i realised that i had been having problems my whole life - i shut myself off from others because i didnt trust them and as far as im concerned there is no safe place - although i am hoping that will change - now that i am in touch with my feelings - which i had shut off before - i realise how scared i have been and how vulnerable to others i am - i hold onto the hope that things will get better - i try to be strong cos i don't want to be a victim - anyway have to go - take care and i hope things get better for you too - MBC
reading
I have outbursts of anger, i over react - I used to be very patient and the people at work said that I took everything in my stride, now things seem to push ny buttons - I havnt been aggressive to others i turned to self harm turning my anger inwards - but my psychologist has helped me stop that - amd I am trying to be the person i was before - i am sorry that you have had so much sorrow in your life - but i am glad you have a good psychologist - i too would live in the safety of his office if i could - but we have to make our way in the real world and they are there to help us - we are so lucky as there are people out there who have no help - i am glad you have found someone too - i had to work where i was attacked the next day and so have gradually worked through the scene and taken away the pain and fear from that but sometimes it comes back to visit - i remember reading somewhere that we can't always control what happens to us but we can control how we react to it - thats what i am trying to do - i wish you well - take care
hi sinopa 2 - i am glad you are making headway after the terrible thing that happened to you - take care
hi waratah,
reading how you feel when you are vulnerable - it could have been me speaking - it was only after i was attacked and was in therapy that i realised that i had been having problems my whole life - i shut myself off from others because i didnt trust them and as far as im concerned there is no safe place - although i am hoping that will change - now that i am in touch with my feelings - which i had shut off before - i realise how scared i have been and how vulnerable to others i am - i hold onto the hope that things will get better - i try to be strong cos i don't want to be a victim - anyway have to go - take care and i hope things get better for you too - MBC
reading
cetiya
08-18-2008, 06:52 AM
you should consider finding a shrink that is experienced in PTSD. they are the only people who can understand you completely. friends and family may love you but wont understand you. with multiple traumas rattleing around in your brain, you probably need professional help. I know how you feel, and finally got the courage myself to see a new doc myself last week.
lauren007
08-18-2008, 02:36 PM
;)Hi Warata, I read your post and it sounds just like me. As for taking so long to realise that you were not well, rather late than never, cos now you have a chance of overcoming this and living the happy life that you deserve. If you had never realised it or admitted it, then you would live only in the darkness and never see the light and the beauty in life. I've been having three good days now. Wow, it feels really wonderful. My mom abused me physically and emotionally and I've never really dealt with it. We touched on it a bit in therapy last week and this week I'll be taking photo's of my mom to therapy, then we will start to tackle that aspect of my past. I'm scared and nervous, I know that I have to face it but I hate it. I've been thinking of writing her a letter telling her how I felt when she abused me. I'm scared of that too. I know that it will help but it's also going to hurt like HELL. My goal is to do it before this week is over. Thanx for your post. Take care;)
lauren007
08-18-2008, 02:40 PM
HI, I'm glad that you have received help. It's the first step of many toward your healing. Well done. I have an excellent psychologist. I feel safe with her and can really open up to her. I hope that you find a therapist with whom you can also feel safe with and trust. Take care. And thank for the reply. :)
lauren007
08-18-2008, 02:52 PM
Hi maybecrazy, thanx for your words of wisdom. As I've mentioned in a earlier post, I've had three good days now. I am a bit scared of my upcoming therapy appointment this week. We'll be tackling the abuse that my mom dished out to me. I know that I have to face it and deal with it, I know that I will and once i's been dealt with that it will make me stronger and heal me but it still scares the daylights out of me. In some ways I no longer want to face reality. I've seen enough of it as a detective but I know that if I want to heal then I have no choice. I got a book from my mom (Believe it or not), called "Feel the fear and do it anyway". I want to read and follow the advise in the book. It gets to me that I was a police woman that constantly faced danger and dealt with it. I was a member of the riot police before I became a detectvie and I was NEVER, EVER AS SCARED AND FEARFUL AS I AM NOW. It just doesn't make sense to me. I was part of a specialised unit that did dangerous work and I could do it. My life was constantly on the line and I took so many risks that could have gotten me killed yet I wasn't as scared as I am now. It makes me feel weak and stupid, an idiot. I hate feeling this way. I feel powerless as if I am no longer in control of my own life but that I've given control of my life to some other power and that power has put my life in a tumble dryer. I keep going round and round, shut up in negativity. I hat the feeling. I want control over my own life again. I want to be and feel in control.:(:mad:
waratah
08-19-2008, 06:52 AM
Hi lauren007,
I too face the fear of disclosing and working through things with the psychologist. psych says that she can help people get through PTSD, but I have to admit I'm more than just a little sceptical. Every time I begin to talk about some of those long ago expereinces, I begin to recall and remember more and more and more detail.
I begin to feel completely awful, the same feelings are in my body as were present way way back in my childhood.
My way of coping is to simply not think about those things AT ALL. I do not like to detail my expereinces, but rather prefer to speak in more general terms, as the detailed story recounted makes me feel like I'm in the situation, and I start to actually experience the same feelings of fear, being trapped, panicked and terror.
A word of caution if I may: If you possibly can, I'd have to advise that you do not overextend yourself with your therapist. i.e. only go and do what is "comfortable to you" and avoid pushing the limits of your tollerance.
Geting well and using therapy is not a contest, or a personal challenge to be conquered. Rather it "ought to be" something that assists you to see and feel clarity in your thinking and feeling, where previously there is confusion and uncertainty.
I hope you don't mind my mentioning this, but it seems that our western(???) culture values peoples' "efforts" to strive to "get better", and when you've been perfoming in the world the way you have over the years, I can not see what is wrong with just going slowly and doing the therapy within your comfort zone.
The alternative is to push - push - push forward, perhaps even a little too quickly, and risk a bit of a set back. i.e. psychological difficulties.
Well take care now, and please share your "progress" arrrrahhhhhh . . .. . .
I meant share your experiences, as I'm listening,
Best wishes, waratah
I too face the fear of disclosing and working through things with the psychologist. psych says that she can help people get through PTSD, but I have to admit I'm more than just a little sceptical. Every time I begin to talk about some of those long ago expereinces, I begin to recall and remember more and more and more detail.
I begin to feel completely awful, the same feelings are in my body as were present way way back in my childhood.
My way of coping is to simply not think about those things AT ALL. I do not like to detail my expereinces, but rather prefer to speak in more general terms, as the detailed story recounted makes me feel like I'm in the situation, and I start to actually experience the same feelings of fear, being trapped, panicked and terror.
A word of caution if I may: If you possibly can, I'd have to advise that you do not overextend yourself with your therapist. i.e. only go and do what is "comfortable to you" and avoid pushing the limits of your tollerance.
Geting well and using therapy is not a contest, or a personal challenge to be conquered. Rather it "ought to be" something that assists you to see and feel clarity in your thinking and feeling, where previously there is confusion and uncertainty.
I hope you don't mind my mentioning this, but it seems that our western(???) culture values peoples' "efforts" to strive to "get better", and when you've been perfoming in the world the way you have over the years, I can not see what is wrong with just going slowly and doing the therapy within your comfort zone.
The alternative is to push - push - push forward, perhaps even a little too quickly, and risk a bit of a set back. i.e. psychological difficulties.
Well take care now, and please share your "progress" arrrrahhhhhh . . .. . .
I meant share your experiences, as I'm listening,
Best wishes, waratah
lauren007
08-20-2008, 04:21 AM
Hi Waratah,
My psych says that by re-living those feelings and experiences you actually learn to deal with it and then lay it to rest. I have adapted and mastered the ability to block my feelings out totally. when i stood at child murder scenes or i had to attend a childs autopsy i managed to, within a couple of seconds, somehow just block my feelings. unfortunately, they resurfaced in the form of anger and aggresion towards other and anger at myself. it got so bad that i started assaulting people.:mad: when i arrested suspects, esp for serious and violent crimes, i'd take all my anger and aggression out on them. then i started getting the flashbacks and nightmares. all the scenes and autopsies would just come rushing back. :( it was only until i did scrapbooking, where i'd cut out pictures or words that triggered those feelings and i re-lived those experiences did the anger and aggression subside a bit. my psych recommended it and she did tell me to do it when i feel ready. we work at my pace she understands that i need to di it this way and she supports it. she really is wonderful and supportive and most importantly, i feel safe with her and trust her completely and i have moved forward. i thought about other ways to deal with what i'm feeling and i've decided as i said earlier that i would write a letter to my mom and the others that have hurt me and tell them exactly how i feel, i'm not ready to do it yet but i will. i believe that it will help me to get rid of these emotions. i am prepared to do whatever it takes to get out of the gell that ptsd and depression has put me in. it's not always easy, some days i just want to crawl into a hole and die, but now that i've started feeling a bit better, i don't want this good feeling to end.
i know that we all deal with our feelings in different ways, but i hope that what i've said about how i dealt with it, the constructive way with the scarpbooking will help you and maybe the letters too, when you are ready ofcourse. we all deserve better than what we are experiencing, we just need to deal with it, no matter how painful it is, and i hate the pain, i hate facing everything that has lead to my ptsd and depression. i look at it this way, for me, it's like having a septic wound, i kept putting plasters on the wound hoping that it will go away, but it never did, it just kept getting worse and now that/those wounds are so septic that it has affected my everyday living and if it gets worse, like with all septic wounds that do not get the proper treatment, it will eventually poison me entirely and i might just die. so i have to take the plaster off and clean that wound. it is extremely painful to clean, it hurts like hell but i have to do it before, like i said, it poisons me completely and i die (emotionally). so, thats how i see my situation. do or die. and i definitely don't want to die. i hope that what i have said is of some help.
thank you for your input, it always helps. take care waratah, i'm going away for a few days so i will chat when i get back. all the best lauren007 :wave:
My psych says that by re-living those feelings and experiences you actually learn to deal with it and then lay it to rest. I have adapted and mastered the ability to block my feelings out totally. when i stood at child murder scenes or i had to attend a childs autopsy i managed to, within a couple of seconds, somehow just block my feelings. unfortunately, they resurfaced in the form of anger and aggresion towards other and anger at myself. it got so bad that i started assaulting people.:mad: when i arrested suspects, esp for serious and violent crimes, i'd take all my anger and aggression out on them. then i started getting the flashbacks and nightmares. all the scenes and autopsies would just come rushing back. :( it was only until i did scrapbooking, where i'd cut out pictures or words that triggered those feelings and i re-lived those experiences did the anger and aggression subside a bit. my psych recommended it and she did tell me to do it when i feel ready. we work at my pace she understands that i need to di it this way and she supports it. she really is wonderful and supportive and most importantly, i feel safe with her and trust her completely and i have moved forward. i thought about other ways to deal with what i'm feeling and i've decided as i said earlier that i would write a letter to my mom and the others that have hurt me and tell them exactly how i feel, i'm not ready to do it yet but i will. i believe that it will help me to get rid of these emotions. i am prepared to do whatever it takes to get out of the gell that ptsd and depression has put me in. it's not always easy, some days i just want to crawl into a hole and die, but now that i've started feeling a bit better, i don't want this good feeling to end.
i know that we all deal with our feelings in different ways, but i hope that what i've said about how i dealt with it, the constructive way with the scarpbooking will help you and maybe the letters too, when you are ready ofcourse. we all deserve better than what we are experiencing, we just need to deal with it, no matter how painful it is, and i hate the pain, i hate facing everything that has lead to my ptsd and depression. i look at it this way, for me, it's like having a septic wound, i kept putting plasters on the wound hoping that it will go away, but it never did, it just kept getting worse and now that/those wounds are so septic that it has affected my everyday living and if it gets worse, like with all septic wounds that do not get the proper treatment, it will eventually poison me entirely and i might just die. so i have to take the plaster off and clean that wound. it is extremely painful to clean, it hurts like hell but i have to do it before, like i said, it poisons me completely and i die (emotionally). so, thats how i see my situation. do or die. and i definitely don't want to die. i hope that what i have said is of some help.
thank you for your input, it always helps. take care waratah, i'm going away for a few days so i will chat when i get back. all the best lauren007 :wave:
shamayashea
10-09-2008, 05:57 PM
i know that i was a very strong person before this (:mad:
You are still very strong presently, you give the effort to write this and share how you felt. We are strong, and we have turned it off, or is ignored. Focus on the strength that you have Lauren, believe that you are strong and that you can do it and I know you will find the light in this and I hope it could help. Our mind is a great weapon may it be destructive to oneself, but I know we could build some foundation to make it more stronger than ever, and accept as well as embrace the destruction. Give yourself a credit, you deserve a lot and you are more than this, it's in your history that you are strong and yes you really are. You can make it, just believe in yourself. Let that spark glow brightly and be a good guide to it. Even if you close your eyes you can feel that it is glowing. Trust yourself in this.:angel:
You are still very strong presently, you give the effort to write this and share how you felt. We are strong, and we have turned it off, or is ignored. Focus on the strength that you have Lauren, believe that you are strong and that you can do it and I know you will find the light in this and I hope it could help. Our mind is a great weapon may it be destructive to oneself, but I know we could build some foundation to make it more stronger than ever, and accept as well as embrace the destruction. Give yourself a credit, you deserve a lot and you are more than this, it's in your history that you are strong and yes you really are. You can make it, just believe in yourself. Let that spark glow brightly and be a good guide to it. Even if you close your eyes you can feel that it is glowing. Trust yourself in this.:angel:
lauren007
10-10-2008, 12:27 PM
HI Shamayashea, you truly are an angel. I so needed to hear those words right mow. My relationship with my fiance is not going well and to top it off, his 13yr old son is now living with us . it's taking a huge strain on me and it feels as if all the progress i've made has just vanished. my fiance,D, is going away of t cricket tour next weekend and i asked him if he could send his son, J, to a friend for the weekend as well. I just need some time alnoe, just time for myself where i can relax and rechrage. D said no cos he doesnt want J to feel as if he doesnt belong here. and now im the villian. im so angry, its not fair that he can have his time off and not me. what about me??? i love j but his not my son, why cant he go to his mother for the weekend? i need time alone too but thats clearly not important. i feel as if im only here to cook, clean, take care of him and j and open my legs. i dont seem to be important at all. im tired of it. really tired and very, very angry. your words just lifted my spirits. THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
maybecrazy
10-11-2008, 09:21 PM
Hi Lauren007,
If d doesnt want his son to go away whilst he's at the cricket why can't he go when d's back? I'm sure j would like to stay with his mum for a weekend - it all seems a bit lopsided with you doing all the giving and not getting much back - have you at down with your fiancee and explained whats going on and that you REALLY need some time? what about trying again if it's not too late and maybe say that the following weekend you will spend time with j to make sure he knows he's welcome.
You sound very tired...and I don't know about you but when I'm tired I don't cope as well as I usually do - as Waratah said to me - try and do something for your self - no matter how small - go for a walk alone, exercise is supposed to be good for anger - I pace a lot - I say calm and relaxed as I walk over and over - eat a special treat - for me it's chocolate! I hope it works out for you - take care - MBC
If d doesnt want his son to go away whilst he's at the cricket why can't he go when d's back? I'm sure j would like to stay with his mum for a weekend - it all seems a bit lopsided with you doing all the giving and not getting much back - have you at down with your fiancee and explained whats going on and that you REALLY need some time? what about trying again if it's not too late and maybe say that the following weekend you will spend time with j to make sure he knows he's welcome.
You sound very tired...and I don't know about you but when I'm tired I don't cope as well as I usually do - as Waratah said to me - try and do something for your self - no matter how small - go for a walk alone, exercise is supposed to be good for anger - I pace a lot - I say calm and relaxed as I walk over and over - eat a special treat - for me it's chocolate! I hope it works out for you - take care - MBC
isitme
10-12-2008, 08:38 PM
what about me??? i need time alone too but thats clearly not important. i feel as if im only here to cook, clean, take care of him and j and open my legs. i dont seem to be important at all. im tired of it. really tired and very, very angry. !!!!!
Lauren - You are very IMPORTANT.
I just wanted to let you know that being where you are right now is an awful place to be. (I learnt from experience - I was treated as a doormat, because I functioned as one). It is a case of 1 step forward and two back, but it does get better. No one is a robot. Your words hit home.........
Lauren - You are very IMPORTANT.
I just wanted to let you know that being where you are right now is an awful place to be. (I learnt from experience - I was treated as a doormat, because I functioned as one). It is a case of 1 step forward and two back, but it does get better. No one is a robot. Your words hit home.........
waratah
10-14-2008, 10:22 PM
Hi Lauren007,
Your story is truly an inspiring one of enduring difficulties. I really liked to read about how you transferred and channelled your agression toward child murderers and other perpetrators. It seems to me that your mechanisms of coping in these extremely stressful situations are truly amazing, inspiring and exceptional. I believe that there are not too many people who could have endured what you have endured. You are stronger than you know is so many ways, and also fragile due to this unrellenting PTSD and Depression. And I do understand the difficulty of these Dx's.
Your last post was about your current personal situation, and I had to do a very quick double take as I thought it looked like a window into my life some 16-17 years ago. I married a man who had been married before and had 2 teens then aged 10G & 13B. Oh gosh! - you know I became chief bottle washer and head cook within months of our marriage. Within the first fortnight Hubby too off interstate on business trip leaving me with B13, and 10G went back to her mum's. I washed, shopped, cooked, ironed, cleaned, and generally looked after everyone's needs but my own. I was completely in-love and couldn't see what I was doing, but then some time passed, and I began to feel a little resentful. By then I was about 6-7 months pregnant with baby no. 1, still working and very tired. I mentioned to hubby that perhaps B13 might go to his mum's, and hubby was emphatic that the boy would remain in hubby household. So there I was, 7 months pregnant, very little household privacy, a house full of teenagers to come home to nearly every day, and doing the lions share of domestic duties. At some stage I recall pulling over to the side of the road whilst driving home from work, and just sitting thinking about what sort of a life I had imagined for myself to have - and realised that I was not living life the way I really wanted to and was not being true to my own values. So I made a pact with myself to try and live more to my own values. In the long run this brought conflict to the marriage as hubby and I have different values regarding his two teenagers (btw; both nice kids). You know it's the little things that made such a difference. e.g. speaking with a mouth full of food at dinner table, telephone ettiquiete, manners, daily chores, speaking to adults etc. Hubby and I had different views.
Well his teenagers grew up, left home, partnered, involved in building careers. etc. etc. And My life with hubby was then less and less revolving around his two teens and more energy was focused on our two toddlers 1 boy + 1 girl. Hubby was busy building career, I looking after the needs of others, worked p/t, studies p/t. Now some 17 years later on(2008), life is more settled, now those toddlers of ours are teenagers aged 13 and 15 years and they completely dominate our household. I still feel like leaving home on a daily basis, but now it is due to my own teens rather than his teens from previous marriage.
One thing I have learnt is that if you are marrying or defacto with somone who has kids, no matter what age, they 'ARE' going to be part of your relationship and part of your life together forever. Even now when my step-monsters come for christmas, hubby blocks out some time to spend with them exclusivley. And he never ever did that for me, but has expected me to just comply and coopearate with his preferrences. When I don't agree, he can become sullen and spiteful. But his insecurity! - well that's another issue altogether. What I'm trying to say is this, your hubby is expecting you to play the role of the nice step-mom who will step in to look after his 13 year old boy, without consultation with you. Your hubby just left to go and do some recreation event, leaving boy at home with you. I am sure that if you were not there, boy would have been sent to his mom's, as he's too young to be left on his own. So your presence is enabling your hubby to engage in activites, because you are inadvertently assuming the parenting role. Of course this is not fair and I do that you and he will be able to negotiate a suitably beneficial arrangement where each of you can have a little of what each needs. But that teenager is going to be in his and your life for many years to come, and If hubby is treating you like a door mat now, well then, It's going to be your task to show him how to treat you properly, with the dignity, respect, and consideration you deserve. If you feel that your guy is worth the work?? Just try and do it nicely - "you catch more bees with honey than vinegar". Good luck. And rather than staying home this weekend with the teen, see if you might book youself into a day spa, or any other lovely activity of your choice - go on and spoil yourself - teen will be OK on his own for a few hours. Let us know how you get on.
Regards, waratah
Your story is truly an inspiring one of enduring difficulties. I really liked to read about how you transferred and channelled your agression toward child murderers and other perpetrators. It seems to me that your mechanisms of coping in these extremely stressful situations are truly amazing, inspiring and exceptional. I believe that there are not too many people who could have endured what you have endured. You are stronger than you know is so many ways, and also fragile due to this unrellenting PTSD and Depression. And I do understand the difficulty of these Dx's.
Your last post was about your current personal situation, and I had to do a very quick double take as I thought it looked like a window into my life some 16-17 years ago. I married a man who had been married before and had 2 teens then aged 10G & 13B. Oh gosh! - you know I became chief bottle washer and head cook within months of our marriage. Within the first fortnight Hubby too off interstate on business trip leaving me with B13, and 10G went back to her mum's. I washed, shopped, cooked, ironed, cleaned, and generally looked after everyone's needs but my own. I was completely in-love and couldn't see what I was doing, but then some time passed, and I began to feel a little resentful. By then I was about 6-7 months pregnant with baby no. 1, still working and very tired. I mentioned to hubby that perhaps B13 might go to his mum's, and hubby was emphatic that the boy would remain in hubby household. So there I was, 7 months pregnant, very little household privacy, a house full of teenagers to come home to nearly every day, and doing the lions share of domestic duties. At some stage I recall pulling over to the side of the road whilst driving home from work, and just sitting thinking about what sort of a life I had imagined for myself to have - and realised that I was not living life the way I really wanted to and was not being true to my own values. So I made a pact with myself to try and live more to my own values. In the long run this brought conflict to the marriage as hubby and I have different values regarding his two teenagers (btw; both nice kids). You know it's the little things that made such a difference. e.g. speaking with a mouth full of food at dinner table, telephone ettiquiete, manners, daily chores, speaking to adults etc. Hubby and I had different views.
Well his teenagers grew up, left home, partnered, involved in building careers. etc. etc. And My life with hubby was then less and less revolving around his two teens and more energy was focused on our two toddlers 1 boy + 1 girl. Hubby was busy building career, I looking after the needs of others, worked p/t, studies p/t. Now some 17 years later on(2008), life is more settled, now those toddlers of ours are teenagers aged 13 and 15 years and they completely dominate our household. I still feel like leaving home on a daily basis, but now it is due to my own teens rather than his teens from previous marriage.
One thing I have learnt is that if you are marrying or defacto with somone who has kids, no matter what age, they 'ARE' going to be part of your relationship and part of your life together forever. Even now when my step-monsters come for christmas, hubby blocks out some time to spend with them exclusivley. And he never ever did that for me, but has expected me to just comply and coopearate with his preferrences. When I don't agree, he can become sullen and spiteful. But his insecurity! - well that's another issue altogether. What I'm trying to say is this, your hubby is expecting you to play the role of the nice step-mom who will step in to look after his 13 year old boy, without consultation with you. Your hubby just left to go and do some recreation event, leaving boy at home with you. I am sure that if you were not there, boy would have been sent to his mom's, as he's too young to be left on his own. So your presence is enabling your hubby to engage in activites, because you are inadvertently assuming the parenting role. Of course this is not fair and I do that you and he will be able to negotiate a suitably beneficial arrangement where each of you can have a little of what each needs. But that teenager is going to be in his and your life for many years to come, and If hubby is treating you like a door mat now, well then, It's going to be your task to show him how to treat you properly, with the dignity, respect, and consideration you deserve. If you feel that your guy is worth the work?? Just try and do it nicely - "you catch more bees with honey than vinegar". Good luck. And rather than staying home this weekend with the teen, see if you might book youself into a day spa, or any other lovely activity of your choice - go on and spoil yourself - teen will be OK on his own for a few hours. Let us know how you get on.
Regards, waratah
lauren007
10-15-2008, 04:56 AM
Hi Waratah, isitme and maybe crazy, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have felt so lonely and depressed lately that if I was still in the police and had my service pistol, I would have shot myself. I've gone through hell this past month. Constant fights with d and rudeness and attitude from j, I'm starting to resent them both and the sight of j is starting to make me sick and the worst that happened to me is that my dog Lucy had to have her right eye removed. She had a huge tumor at the back of the eye and the vet thought it was cancer. I had to give consent to have it removed, i know it was for th ebest but i feel so guilty, i feel as if i've betrayed her. the guilt is hard to get over. I had to wait for 2 weeks before the results came and thank goodness it's not cancer. but that ate at me, i don't have kids and she is mommy's baby girl. i suffered from migraines regularly. I did chat to d and i told him how i felt, we had a huge arguement and he told me that i'm not the only one with problems, he has problems too but he doesnt complain. we have since made peace and he said that he and j will go away for a weekend so that i can have time alone. then yesterday, by some divine intervention, d got an email stating that j has a scout camp this weekend. yipee, me time. as for j's mom, well she doesnt want him, he's been with us for 3 months now, she's phoned him twice and saw him twice. he says he hates her. when i told d to send j to his mom he told me that j lives with us now. i am so angry, if i expressed the true extent of it, this page would be filled with obscene words. i dont mind taking care of j but im not his mother, why must i take the resposibility??????????? what about me, i've now decided to do what i need to do for myself and if d doesnt like it then he can find himself a doormat thats prepared to look after his rude, spoilt, ill-mannered and undisciplined brat. waratah, d & i also have different ideas of parenting, d's is to let j do what he wants, disrepect adults, be rude, etc. i wont stand for it though. i told d that when it comes to j's upbringing, he's on his own cos everytime i try to help i get told that i'm harsh, etc. and i told him that he mustn't come to me if j gets into trouble. guys, i feel so helpless. when i want to do what's best for me d gets angry, well to hell with him. i will no longer be a doormat and substitute mom that has to take all the responsibility on myself. you know what, i left the police and i am now finacially dependant on d, i resented that and both him and me for it. but i've now realised that he needs me more than i need him, i can always get a job, but he wont easily find someone to take on the responsibility and tolarate a rude, spoilt brat whose father is allowed to do his thing and take on his resposibility. Guys, your words have truly lifted me from that pit and given me a sense of hope again. for the first time in i don't know how long, i feel good and have a genuine smile on my face. i wish you guys were here so that i could give you all a HUGE, HUGE, HUGE BEAR HUG. Wow, i feel so good and more positive than i have in ages. I AM NOT ALONE. Its a great, wonderful feeling. I cant say thank you enough. you guys are truly amazing. Im going to enjoy my weekend, spend some time in the garden, on my fish tanks and on ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Take care my FRIENDS, Love Lauren007:D. you all are truly angels.:angel:
Sinopa2
10-24-2008, 08:30 PM
Hi Lauren, waratah, isitme, maybecrazy... and everybody else!
I just now read over this whole thread because I haven't been checking in and keeping up - and I just wanted to say thank you all for posting! It's difficult, not having anyone to talk to with shared experiences (in day-to-day life, I mean), so thank you so much; I think you all have already said this, but it's good to know I'm not so alone!
Lauren and waratah, I'm sorry to hear about your difficulties being a mom! Also, I hope Lucy is okay - and you definitely have no need to feel guilty; you did what you had to, and I'd imagine it feels better for her to have to the tumor good and out. What kind of dog is she? I LOVE dogs, especially since the trauma,; I think probably because they're so good and loving :) - definitely no evil! Well, I hope Lucy's now doing good.
It's good to hear you all talk about getting angry/violent... today was one of those days where I sort of HATED everyone - which isn't me at all! - and it was really freaking me out. It makes me feel kind of crazy, so it's good to hear that maybe this is all just a natural response to what happened. Anyway, I'm feeling pretty good and chill now. So, well, thank you everyone!
I wish I could say something more to help about your stepson/children... I am only 21 though, with no kids of my own. Oh, but I can remember what horrid little monsters we teenagers can be! God bless you parents for dealing with it. I hope you're all holding together now!
Also, Lauren, I just wanted to say another 'bless you' to you, for all the time you put in on the police force. "Evil" is something I've thought a lot about, during the last 1 1/2 years, and it always gets me to thinking about cops - how we (well, the rest of us) take for granted that they'll always be there, to take care of the ugly things and help keep us safe. I can't get my head around this one ugly event in my own life, so I have no idea how cops do it every day. I'm so sorry you have to pay the price for it now. I also think it's amazing though too, and so selfless, the job that you and others do.
Well, I hope everybody's doing okay! Best to you all - and thanks again for sharing! :)
I just now read over this whole thread because I haven't been checking in and keeping up - and I just wanted to say thank you all for posting! It's difficult, not having anyone to talk to with shared experiences (in day-to-day life, I mean), so thank you so much; I think you all have already said this, but it's good to know I'm not so alone!
Lauren and waratah, I'm sorry to hear about your difficulties being a mom! Also, I hope Lucy is okay - and you definitely have no need to feel guilty; you did what you had to, and I'd imagine it feels better for her to have to the tumor good and out. What kind of dog is she? I LOVE dogs, especially since the trauma,; I think probably because they're so good and loving :) - definitely no evil! Well, I hope Lucy's now doing good.
It's good to hear you all talk about getting angry/violent... today was one of those days where I sort of HATED everyone - which isn't me at all! - and it was really freaking me out. It makes me feel kind of crazy, so it's good to hear that maybe this is all just a natural response to what happened. Anyway, I'm feeling pretty good and chill now. So, well, thank you everyone!
I wish I could say something more to help about your stepson/children... I am only 21 though, with no kids of my own. Oh, but I can remember what horrid little monsters we teenagers can be! God bless you parents for dealing with it. I hope you're all holding together now!
Also, Lauren, I just wanted to say another 'bless you' to you, for all the time you put in on the police force. "Evil" is something I've thought a lot about, during the last 1 1/2 years, and it always gets me to thinking about cops - how we (well, the rest of us) take for granted that they'll always be there, to take care of the ugly things and help keep us safe. I can't get my head around this one ugly event in my own life, so I have no idea how cops do it every day. I'm so sorry you have to pay the price for it now. I also think it's amazing though too, and so selfless, the job that you and others do.
Well, I hope everybody's doing okay! Best to you all - and thanks again for sharing! :)
lauren007
10-26-2008, 09:22 AM
Hi Sinopa2 and everybody else. I'm doing ok now, went through a horrible patch for a week and a half. A good friend and collegue of mine was executed on Wed 15 Oct. he was a brilliant policeman. it's the 5th one that i have lost in two years. 3 were murdered and two committed suicide. one would expect it to get easier to deal with but it doesn't. to answer your question sinopa2, cops just tend to "switch off" and become clinical. it's a defence we all build up and perfect over time. unfortunatly, it does catch up and the consequences are sometimes fatal with cops killing their families and then themselves. D & I have sorted our issues out that we had and he understands that i need a break from him and J. If J had been younger it would have been easier. I don't have kids of my own and to suddenly become a mother figure when a kid is 13yrs old isn't easy, esp with the ptsd and depression.
Thank you for your kind words about cops, if only everyone could have that opinion of all the good cops out there. thank you again. i adore dogs, i had a very lonely, painful and abisive childhood and the ONLY source of comfort, love and security that i had came from my dogs, i can never ever imagine my life without a dog. what you said rings so true, they have no "evil" and in all honesty, i have more compassion for animals than i do for most humans. dogs ask so little yet they give so much.
Lucy is a rottweiler with a loving, sweet and very good temprament. the breed has such a negative reputation but even the vets that treat her comment on her peaceful nature, she is brilliant, her mommy's baby girl. she adores kids and believe it or nit, cats. i got her when she was 6 weeks old and my cat was 2 years old. Leila, my cat, took over the maternal role and groomed her, they slept and played together, now 3 years and 45 kg later, poor lucy can't understand why leila runs and hides everytime lucy wants to play with her :) when i take her to the vet, she wants to play with and lick every cat in sight. it's the same with kids, she follows them everywhere. she's in the swimming pool right now, she LOVES swimming and if i let her, she'll stay in the pool the whole day. she's doing so well right now, much better than before her eye was removed. i've finally realised that i wasn't the bad one that let her down. i felt that i was a horrible person because i gave permission to have her eye removed but i have since made peace with it and i no longer hate myself.
feeling angry and aggressive is a very normal response to what we're going thru. and it's very good because it means that we're in touch with what we're going thru. it only becomes bad when we don't deal with it in a constructive manner. that took alot of getting used to for me. i try to get rid of it by walking, using a punch bag, writing about it or writing letters to those that i'm angry at, in those letters i use the worst foul language imaginable and when i'm done i feel so much better. i never give the letters to those people though and i avoid situations that i know will make me aggressive and violent. thank you for your post, take care guys and all the best. chat soon ;)
Thank you for your kind words about cops, if only everyone could have that opinion of all the good cops out there. thank you again. i adore dogs, i had a very lonely, painful and abisive childhood and the ONLY source of comfort, love and security that i had came from my dogs, i can never ever imagine my life without a dog. what you said rings so true, they have no "evil" and in all honesty, i have more compassion for animals than i do for most humans. dogs ask so little yet they give so much.
Lucy is a rottweiler with a loving, sweet and very good temprament. the breed has such a negative reputation but even the vets that treat her comment on her peaceful nature, she is brilliant, her mommy's baby girl. she adores kids and believe it or nit, cats. i got her when she was 6 weeks old and my cat was 2 years old. Leila, my cat, took over the maternal role and groomed her, they slept and played together, now 3 years and 45 kg later, poor lucy can't understand why leila runs and hides everytime lucy wants to play with her :) when i take her to the vet, she wants to play with and lick every cat in sight. it's the same with kids, she follows them everywhere. she's in the swimming pool right now, she LOVES swimming and if i let her, she'll stay in the pool the whole day. she's doing so well right now, much better than before her eye was removed. i've finally realised that i wasn't the bad one that let her down. i felt that i was a horrible person because i gave permission to have her eye removed but i have since made peace with it and i no longer hate myself.
feeling angry and aggressive is a very normal response to what we're going thru. and it's very good because it means that we're in touch with what we're going thru. it only becomes bad when we don't deal with it in a constructive manner. that took alot of getting used to for me. i try to get rid of it by walking, using a punch bag, writing about it or writing letters to those that i'm angry at, in those letters i use the worst foul language imaginable and when i'm done i feel so much better. i never give the letters to those people though and i avoid situations that i know will make me aggressive and violent. thank you for your post, take care guys and all the best. chat soon ;)