maybecrazy
08-15-2008, 06:22 AM
I was sexually abused as a child - only once that i know of - i only have a few memories of the past before I was 14 or 15 - i blocked them out - other members of my family were sexually assaulted before me for years and i always thought my mother didnt know9 no-one told me until i was 16 about it0 - recently i have been having memories leak through the wall i built in my mind its like i am living them over again or even for the first time - i have ptsd from being attacked at work at it feels the same - panic and terror and unending sadness - and intruding memories - and now I found out from an older sister that my mother knew at least some of what was going on because ive been asking her to tell me so i can deal with the memories - when i found out my dad was an abuser i was devestated but i still had my mum - she was my rock - and now i have nothing - i trusted my dad and he turned out to be.....an abuser and now i find this out - and im having trouble dealingwith it - how can someone do that? stand by and see their children abused? when she found out about the sexual abuse she threw him out - but there was years of physical abuse before that - and the memories are still coming back ...what do you do when you find out your life is based on lies...
MBC
MBC
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negot
08-17-2008, 04:31 AM
I am so sorry about what you are feeling. I can relate to some of what you are saying as I also have a lot of abuse in my past. It is not easy, but there is life after abuse. Do you have people to talk to? There are also a lot of 12 step groups that deal with different kind of abuse. Your mother obviously didn't know better, maybe she was in denial about the whole thing. Even if people know something, even see it with their own eyes, they still can be in denial about it. One advice that I would like to give you from my own experience and this I have learned the hard way. Do try to deal with what happened to you, but focus also on good things. Get involved in things, depending what you are interested in. In my case, I spent years of my life only focusing on the past and I wish I had looked forward instead of getting stuck in the past. Get involved in sports, art and whatever you may be interested in.
You say you were attacked at work. I hope that you reported the perpetrator. Do not let him/her get away with it. How have you dealt with the abuse at work? You are not crazy although it can feel like it when you are in a lot of pain. Hugs to you!
You say you were attacked at work. I hope that you reported the perpetrator. Do not let him/her get away with it. How have you dealt with the abuse at work? You are not crazy although it can feel like it when you are in a lot of pain. Hugs to you!
lauren007
08-20-2008, 10:10 PM
Hi, maybecrazy, as you already know i was also raped and sexually abused and have also blocked it. the memories do resurface and they hurt, tremendously. it has to in order for you to get well. i also feel alone many times, but we're are not, YOU ARE NOT ALONE, you have us, we are there for you, and no-one can understand that better than we can. REMEMBER, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Lauren007
lauren007
08-20-2008, 10:12 PM
Hi Nelli,
What are step 12 groups? Pardon the ignorance but I am new at this. Thanx, lauren007
What are step 12 groups? Pardon the ignorance but I am new at this. Thanx, lauren007
negot
08-21-2008, 04:08 AM
Lauren, I see that you are in South Africa and there may not be any 12 step groups there.
Here in the US there are 12 step groups for almost any problem a person can face. For example Alcoholics Anonymous, Overeaters Anonymous, Gamblers Anonymous, just to mention a few. You sit in groups and work through different steps, the first step is to admit that you are powerless over whatever problem you are dealing with. It can be a great support for people who often feel alone with their problems.
Here in the US there are 12 step groups for almost any problem a person can face. For example Alcoholics Anonymous, Overeaters Anonymous, Gamblers Anonymous, just to mention a few. You sit in groups and work through different steps, the first step is to admit that you are powerless over whatever problem you are dealing with. It can be a great support for people who often feel alone with their problems.
Phoenix
08-21-2008, 07:39 PM
what do you do when you find out your life is based on lies...
Hello MBC,
There is much to be said about the truth hurting and I know that this news has taken you for a loop.
It is not so much that your life was based on lies; it was more that information was witheld from you for a purpose.
Please speak about this in therapy and if you would like to discuss this further, I will be looking out for your post.
Take care of yourself.
Phoenix
Hello MBC,
There is much to be said about the truth hurting and I know that this news has taken you for a loop.
It is not so much that your life was based on lies; it was more that information was witheld from you for a purpose.
Please speak about this in therapy and if you would like to discuss this further, I will be looking out for your post.
Take care of yourself.
Phoenix
lauren007
08-26-2008, 03:06 PM
Hi Nelli, thanx for the reply. I have'nt had any success yet in finding a 12 step group but I will keep trying.;)
maybecrazy
08-29-2008, 04:59 AM
Hi Nellie, Lauren 007 and Phoenix,
First thank you for your support, i still feel like this is unreal, i can't see how someone could know a child was being starved and left undressed in the cold - i saw a picture and my mum had a coat and a scarf on and was smiling, SMILING! in the picture and my sister was there in her underwear in the street! I can't reconcile this in my mind - there is no way to make it right - i know my mum had a really bad time as a child and so.... that doesn't excuse it! So what blood do I have in my veins? the blood of a child abuser and someone who let it happen -when I found out my dad was an abuser i still had the image of my mum working 3 jobs to support us after she kicked him out - she knew about the phsical abuse - did she know about the sexual abuse and just close her eyes? i don't know what to feel - I am standing in quick sand...... they are both gone now so i should be able to let it go but i keep seeing the picture of my sister and my mum - i can''t get it out of my head - i told my psychologist in a phone call - but i still can't settle it - i just want it all to go away - but it won't MBC
First thank you for your support, i still feel like this is unreal, i can't see how someone could know a child was being starved and left undressed in the cold - i saw a picture and my mum had a coat and a scarf on and was smiling, SMILING! in the picture and my sister was there in her underwear in the street! I can't reconcile this in my mind - there is no way to make it right - i know my mum had a really bad time as a child and so.... that doesn't excuse it! So what blood do I have in my veins? the blood of a child abuser and someone who let it happen -when I found out my dad was an abuser i still had the image of my mum working 3 jobs to support us after she kicked him out - she knew about the phsical abuse - did she know about the sexual abuse and just close her eyes? i don't know what to feel - I am standing in quick sand...... they are both gone now so i should be able to let it go but i keep seeing the picture of my sister and my mum - i can''t get it out of my head - i told my psychologist in a phone call - but i still can't settle it - i just want it all to go away - but it won't MBC
waratah
08-29-2008, 05:48 AM
Hi MBC, and all on this post,
Some of you will know me, others not so. But like you MBC also suffered childhood abuse, but never told anyone.
It is so good to talk with people who have been there. IT is not pity I seek but understanding of how fragile and vulnerable it makes me feel from time to time. This is especially true during periods of psychogical downturn.
MBC, I urge you to keep talking here of your feelings. My new GP, is such a gentle soul, he thinks the anxiety we 'survivors' (hate that term) expereince under times of stress is 'rubber banding' us back to the times of our utmost distress, and the anxiety we're expereincing now is part of the high alert system of our bodies due to abuse.
I didn't see the merit in this argument for quite some time, and still not completley convinced, but like you, anxiety, psychological distress, childhood abuse, self-esteem issues, family mistrust, parental abdication etc. etc. etc.
I wonder if part of seeking help wit psychologists, is to have our feelings validated by someone important to us. The problem is that, the need for validation may never besatisfied, because the people whose validation we seek, will never be able to bestow it for a range of reasons.
Your, becasue parents deceased. Mine: 1 parent deceased, the other completely estranged due to irreconcilable and differing recollections & memories.
So, where does this leave us? I don't know exactly, except to say that looking after yourself and your needs is paramount. Having good people around to support you, both paid professionals, and freinds, acquaintances and the people right here omn the boards to help too.
Again I feel complelled to share a little quote which you may have heard before:
'people may not have caused all their own problems,
but they have to solve them anyway'.
Your story is testimony to your courage and strength to go on and live. The worst things that could ever happen to a person in this life have happened to you. I know there is suffering because of this, and sometimes it just doesn't seem to get any better. Those old feelings return, and will not go away, despite you doing everthing in your power to make it happen.
MBC, my feeling is that your psychologist has been and is great for you, but that It may be time to think about seeing a psychiatrist. I don't mean to frighten or alarm you but these psychiatrists, well the good ones, know so much about PTSD, and augmented drug therapy, and one may be able to help you in the way I was recently helped during a recent period of psychological downturn.
Please keep posting and let us know how you are feeling anytime.
If you are on the Eastern seaboard and want a names of a few tried and tested shrinks, or to ask about certain ones, please just ask.
Take care now, waratah
Some of you will know me, others not so. But like you MBC also suffered childhood abuse, but never told anyone.
It is so good to talk with people who have been there. IT is not pity I seek but understanding of how fragile and vulnerable it makes me feel from time to time. This is especially true during periods of psychogical downturn.
MBC, I urge you to keep talking here of your feelings. My new GP, is such a gentle soul, he thinks the anxiety we 'survivors' (hate that term) expereince under times of stress is 'rubber banding' us back to the times of our utmost distress, and the anxiety we're expereincing now is part of the high alert system of our bodies due to abuse.
I didn't see the merit in this argument for quite some time, and still not completley convinced, but like you, anxiety, psychological distress, childhood abuse, self-esteem issues, family mistrust, parental abdication etc. etc. etc.
I wonder if part of seeking help wit psychologists, is to have our feelings validated by someone important to us. The problem is that, the need for validation may never besatisfied, because the people whose validation we seek, will never be able to bestow it for a range of reasons.
Your, becasue parents deceased. Mine: 1 parent deceased, the other completely estranged due to irreconcilable and differing recollections & memories.
So, where does this leave us? I don't know exactly, except to say that looking after yourself and your needs is paramount. Having good people around to support you, both paid professionals, and freinds, acquaintances and the people right here omn the boards to help too.
Again I feel complelled to share a little quote which you may have heard before:
'people may not have caused all their own problems,
but they have to solve them anyway'.
Your story is testimony to your courage and strength to go on and live. The worst things that could ever happen to a person in this life have happened to you. I know there is suffering because of this, and sometimes it just doesn't seem to get any better. Those old feelings return, and will not go away, despite you doing everthing in your power to make it happen.
MBC, my feeling is that your psychologist has been and is great for you, but that It may be time to think about seeing a psychiatrist. I don't mean to frighten or alarm you but these psychiatrists, well the good ones, know so much about PTSD, and augmented drug therapy, and one may be able to help you in the way I was recently helped during a recent period of psychological downturn.
Please keep posting and let us know how you are feeling anytime.
If you are on the Eastern seaboard and want a names of a few tried and tested shrinks, or to ask about certain ones, please just ask.
Take care now, waratah
negot
08-30-2008, 02:33 AM
MBC, keep posting here because we understand. If your mother knew or didn't know, you'll never know for sure. Even if she was alive, you wouldn't know. The denial is powerful and this kind of denial can go on for generations. My mother was incredibly abusive, a torturer, but she was tortured herself as a child. It doesn't excuse what she did to us, her children, but she didn't know better, abuse was all she knew.
If you can (and it is hard, I know) try not to let this consume you, try to have a life and try to surround yourself with nice, nurturing people. We who have abusive past tend to attract other abusers into our lives, so pay attention whom you let into your life.
Like Waratah suggested, maybe some medication would help you to deal with the worst pain and anxiety.
I just want to let you know that I understand you too well. My abusive childhood led to so much other abuse that I try to not even go there in my memory. I just didn't know how to protect myself and was a target for abusers. That's why I wrote in my previous post that if somebody attacked you at work, they need to take the consequences for it.
Please post and let us know how you are. Life can be nice in spite of an abusive, unhappy childhood although it's hard to believe it.
If you can (and it is hard, I know) try not to let this consume you, try to have a life and try to surround yourself with nice, nurturing people. We who have abusive past tend to attract other abusers into our lives, so pay attention whom you let into your life.
Like Waratah suggested, maybe some medication would help you to deal with the worst pain and anxiety.
I just want to let you know that I understand you too well. My abusive childhood led to so much other abuse that I try to not even go there in my memory. I just didn't know how to protect myself and was a target for abusers. That's why I wrote in my previous post that if somebody attacked you at work, they need to take the consequences for it.
Please post and let us know how you are. Life can be nice in spite of an abusive, unhappy childhood although it's hard to believe it.
waratah
08-30-2008, 11:21 PM
Hi all,
PTSD is one of the most complex of all disorders amongst the mental health spectrum.
People with PTSD, (Yes-me too) go about their daily lives seemingly competent to those surrounding him or her, but carrying a heavy load, have to put it down from time to time. Then gradually or suddenly, the symtoms reapear, and a psychological decline commences.
For all my multiple diagnosis (gosh! where do I start?), I know that all I do is to go about my daily work, look after my family, and from time to time, seem to begin a decline. I am aware when this decline starts, but I am seemingly powerless to halt its progress despite my stirling attempts in looking after myself and my needs.
Perhpas this cycle of decline and improvement is difficult for onlookers to comprehend due to its unrelenting continuance.. Its really really odd that this occurs in the way it does!
"But it just is what it is!"
Kind regards, waratah x x x
PTSD is one of the most complex of all disorders amongst the mental health spectrum.
People with PTSD, (Yes-me too) go about their daily lives seemingly competent to those surrounding him or her, but carrying a heavy load, have to put it down from time to time. Then gradually or suddenly, the symtoms reapear, and a psychological decline commences.
For all my multiple diagnosis (gosh! where do I start?), I know that all I do is to go about my daily work, look after my family, and from time to time, seem to begin a decline. I am aware when this decline starts, but I am seemingly powerless to halt its progress despite my stirling attempts in looking after myself and my needs.
Perhpas this cycle of decline and improvement is difficult for onlookers to comprehend due to its unrelenting continuance.. Its really really odd that this occurs in the way it does!
"But it just is what it is!"
Kind regards, waratah x x x
maybecrazy
08-31-2008, 01:51 AM
Hi Waratah,
i agree with the rubber banding thing - although it feels more like being a yo yo - going up and down emotionally on a regular basis, it just makes you tired - exhausted - I know you know what i mean - and you just want it to stop but you have to go through it to get to the other side - it just seems to be a never-ending journey - and just when you feel you are standing on your own two feet and starting to look around - you get knocked down again - sometimes it seems easier to just stay there - but you don't - you keep getting up because that's what we do, like you said - it is what it is and you are exectly where you should be at that time given your state of recovery - that last part is what my psychologist says to me on a regular basis - guess it may have sunk in fnally - but that doesnt mean i have to like it - but i will try to accept it. I guess I just feel like a mouse in an exercise wheel - stuck in a loop - and i just want ot get off.
Hi Negot,
the guy that attacked me and some others where i work was taken by the police and held under the mental health act overnight in hospital - he was found not to be mentally unstable but because he was held overnight under the mental health act the police cannot prosecute him - it sucks - the dr wanted to let him come back as he wanted to apologise:mad: but we said we would walk out - so he didnt come in then his sister rang and abused us because we wouldnt have him back - but don't get me started on that - i am still very angry about it ! i don't expect justice - i have little to no faith in that - maybe kharma - who knows - as to meds - i am already on an anti-depressant - the third one that my gp and i have tried and at least this one helps me to sleep - i don't think im making a lot of sense - but then nothing much makes sense at the moment - take care MBC
i agree with the rubber banding thing - although it feels more like being a yo yo - going up and down emotionally on a regular basis, it just makes you tired - exhausted - I know you know what i mean - and you just want it to stop but you have to go through it to get to the other side - it just seems to be a never-ending journey - and just when you feel you are standing on your own two feet and starting to look around - you get knocked down again - sometimes it seems easier to just stay there - but you don't - you keep getting up because that's what we do, like you said - it is what it is and you are exectly where you should be at that time given your state of recovery - that last part is what my psychologist says to me on a regular basis - guess it may have sunk in fnally - but that doesnt mean i have to like it - but i will try to accept it. I guess I just feel like a mouse in an exercise wheel - stuck in a loop - and i just want ot get off.
Hi Negot,
the guy that attacked me and some others where i work was taken by the police and held under the mental health act overnight in hospital - he was found not to be mentally unstable but because he was held overnight under the mental health act the police cannot prosecute him - it sucks - the dr wanted to let him come back as he wanted to apologise:mad: but we said we would walk out - so he didnt come in then his sister rang and abused us because we wouldnt have him back - but don't get me started on that - i am still very angry about it ! i don't expect justice - i have little to no faith in that - maybe kharma - who knows - as to meds - i am already on an anti-depressant - the third one that my gp and i have tried and at least this one helps me to sleep - i don't think im making a lot of sense - but then nothing much makes sense at the moment - take care MBC