MSNik
09-06-2008, 03:11 PM
hey gang. Hoping you will send some actual advice on this one. You all know my story- and know that my marriage is in shambles. The last few months, since I quit my "superjob" have been really tough on us financially as well as emotionally. Once I accepted that what I am doing now is better for me, I really gave it my best shot. Since it is working out, healthwise, I started thinking I can increase my hours again. BUT easier said then done. SO I started thinking about what I really want to do, and the answer is return to school for my PhD, its huge! And Expensive! And of course the big question is, if I get the degree, what will I do with it? I have no answers for that; but my doctors are supportive, stating that brain activity is probably what is keeping me from being swallowed up by my black holes. My family of course thinks I am crazy...but the biggest issue is my spouse. Im actually considering leaving him at times right now, I know he loves me, and I know he isnt threatened by MS- heck in his world, if you cant see it, it doesnt exist. I also know that I need his health benefits and possibly in the future, might even need him; but RIGHT NOW I dont need to be told NO to everything that I think I can do. I am tired of being looked at as someone who "couldnt do something a few months ago" not being able to ever do it again. I think I can.
Ive tried to discuss with him taking student loans and doing this school thing- to which he responds "you dont even know if youll make it thru school and if you cant work when its over how will you pay back the loans?" I get it. Valid question to ask...but instead of saying something positive, or thinking we will worry about it when and if it happens, he basically put his foot down and said no. Well, I dont need him to cosign the loans and I certainly dont need him to allow me to go to school; however life as we know it will change. Consortiums around the country- me having to do alot more computer work- me being less available ME BEING ME again. Never was I happier then when i was a student. And, if I could, Id do it in a classroom atmospherer, but I do think that is asking too much...online, it could be done easier.
And I could stil work parttime.
so, I guess my question is: do any of you ever have to PROVE anything to your spouses or significant others and how do you do it? For a guy who knows nothing about MS and refuses to educate himself or be educated- he seems pretty opinionated on what my capabilites or limits are. Im frustrated and finding out that I just about hate him these days. They say marriages are challenged by MS; Ive now honestly seen exactly how this disease can tear a family apart.
any suggestions?
Nikki
Ive tried to discuss with him taking student loans and doing this school thing- to which he responds "you dont even know if youll make it thru school and if you cant work when its over how will you pay back the loans?" I get it. Valid question to ask...but instead of saying something positive, or thinking we will worry about it when and if it happens, he basically put his foot down and said no. Well, I dont need him to cosign the loans and I certainly dont need him to allow me to go to school; however life as we know it will change. Consortiums around the country- me having to do alot more computer work- me being less available ME BEING ME again. Never was I happier then when i was a student. And, if I could, Id do it in a classroom atmospherer, but I do think that is asking too much...online, it could be done easier.
And I could stil work parttime.
so, I guess my question is: do any of you ever have to PROVE anything to your spouses or significant others and how do you do it? For a guy who knows nothing about MS and refuses to educate himself or be educated- he seems pretty opinionated on what my capabilites or limits are. Im frustrated and finding out that I just about hate him these days. They say marriages are challenged by MS; Ive now honestly seen exactly how this disease can tear a family apart.
any suggestions?
Nikki
Sponsor
Delilah008
09-06-2008, 03:22 PM
Gosh, I really don't think I have any good advice for you but you're welcome to use my shoulder. We're going through something similar in our relationship. I'm a nurse (3 years now) and want to go back to school for accounting. I've mentioned several times over the years but have never taken any action. Last year I spent $10,000 on half the credits I need for a bachelor's of nursing and, if I choose to go into accounting, it's basically wasted money. I regret that.
School is incredibly fun, but incredibly expensive. Wanting to go back to school is a great goal, but I do agree that you should be looking at where your degree can lead you. Whether you have an chronic disease or not, getting bogged down in 10s of thousands of dollars in school loans is not fun. It can make your future unhappy, and who ever feels at easy when you have $20,000 or more of school loans hanging over your head?
School is incredibly fun, but incredibly expensive. Wanting to go back to school is a great goal, but I do agree that you should be looking at where your degree can lead you. Whether you have an chronic disease or not, getting bogged down in 10s of thousands of dollars in school loans is not fun. It can make your future unhappy, and who ever feels at easy when you have $20,000 or more of school loans hanging over your head?
april1848
09-06-2008, 05:04 PM
Hi Nikki. Excuse please the anticipated length, you know how I am. My opinion is that if you want to get your PhD, go for it. I also think that keeping our brains active will help keep our brains working--I don't know if this has been studied or proven, but I don't care. I believe it, and I practice it. You are a very intelligent woman! Even if you end up immobile, there are certainly things you'd be able to do with a PhD.
I have a friend, in her 50's, who is working towards her PhD. She can't afford it, and plans to take one class a semester for the rest of her life so she doesn't have to pay her school loans (she doesn't have to start paying back until she's "done" with school). I don't know if her plan will work, but she's determined to get that PhD, at whatever cost. She's happy too, glowing. Despite our age difference, we are extremely good friends--I love this woman like a sister, and I've never seen her so happy. I wouldn't give up on the idea of going for it, Nikki!
I also feel the need to prove things to my husband, and lately my father. MS does impact families. Last time I saw Dad he mentioned that a friend's wife had to go on disability for Fibro. He said "Fibromyalgia is the worst disease, you're lucky you don't have that." When my husband mentioned to Dad that sometimes I use a cane, Dad said that he didn't raise his daughters to be weak. I would love to prove so much to him, and I wish I could educate him, but he knows everything.
My marriage has thankfully improved--so far MS has been a huge test, and we are passing, finally, or we're beginning to. But my husband will still tell me NO sometimes. The good thing though is that when I do accomplish something, he tells me he's proud of me. Recently he told me that he's proud of me every minute of every day, and I believe him. This makes it easier for me to accept defeat, and to say yes, you're right, I can't do such and such. My pride and stubborness make that very hard.
Before I joined the presidential campaign I was working for, he said I couldn't do it. It only pushed me to work harder on it. Unfortunately he ended up being right, and I had to quit. But I'm still working on a local campaign. Also with my job, it would be perfectly fine to work a 40 hour week, and husband says that's enough. Still, I find myself working at least 45 hours a week just to prove that I can work more than that. It's not for money; I don't get paid for the extra hours!
You say you are happiest as a student--that is a profound statement. I understand; I'm happiest too when using my brain, especially learning. Nikki, that's not something easy or good for you to give up. If I gave it up, life would lose its charm. I'm not in a classroom; I have 1,500 books and I'm an amateur historian and anthropologist trying to write a book. Husband doesn't think I can do it, and I have doubts, but I won't give it up because life would be kind of dull, I'd feel unfulfilled. I'm sure you get that!
If you stayed in a marriage that is making you miserable, hearing "NO" all the time, what will that do to you? I totally understand the concepts of loyalty, of not wanting to give up on a committment, and of being dependent for things (like insurance or money) on someone, and it's a tough spot. Those things are important. But at what cost?
As far as the cost of going back to school, and I don't mean to belittle the financial aspect, but why not cross that bridge when you get to it? You may qualify for financial aid, for a lot of it, and it may not be so terrible. School loan debt is not necessarily bad debt. And what will the debt mean to you if you succeed in getting the degree? I bet it won't mean much to you. It took me five years to pay off the small amount of school debt I acquired, and it didn't matter to me. It was worth every penny, and every sacrifice.
And what to do with the degree, and there's the uncertainty of whether or not you'll be in a position to use it. Certainly these things deserve more thought, but the degree will also open up a lot of options for you. You could do something incredible and profitable online, for instance. It would be an enormous accomplishment, in my opinion, even if you didn't use it. We all know that there are some PhDs that are pretty worthless monetarily, but most are not.
I don't have answers for you, and this is complicated. I just have a very strong gut feeling that if being a student makes you happy, makes you The Real Nikki, that you should by all means do it. And don't forget that you already got a degree while getting sick and getting diagnosed. You may not be perfectly healthy, but this may be a goal that is worth a try. You obviously have a lot of strength (if not physical) in you, and I don't think that you finishing up and getting your PhD is unattainable. Actually, I think it's very likely, considering the person you are!
Sorry for the length and my bluntness. No matter what, don't think you can't vent here. I'm sorry that you sound so unhappy, and you know what can change that, but it's scary. For what it's worth, you have my support in whatever you decide to do.
I have a friend, in her 50's, who is working towards her PhD. She can't afford it, and plans to take one class a semester for the rest of her life so she doesn't have to pay her school loans (she doesn't have to start paying back until she's "done" with school). I don't know if her plan will work, but she's determined to get that PhD, at whatever cost. She's happy too, glowing. Despite our age difference, we are extremely good friends--I love this woman like a sister, and I've never seen her so happy. I wouldn't give up on the idea of going for it, Nikki!
I also feel the need to prove things to my husband, and lately my father. MS does impact families. Last time I saw Dad he mentioned that a friend's wife had to go on disability for Fibro. He said "Fibromyalgia is the worst disease, you're lucky you don't have that." When my husband mentioned to Dad that sometimes I use a cane, Dad said that he didn't raise his daughters to be weak. I would love to prove so much to him, and I wish I could educate him, but he knows everything.
My marriage has thankfully improved--so far MS has been a huge test, and we are passing, finally, or we're beginning to. But my husband will still tell me NO sometimes. The good thing though is that when I do accomplish something, he tells me he's proud of me. Recently he told me that he's proud of me every minute of every day, and I believe him. This makes it easier for me to accept defeat, and to say yes, you're right, I can't do such and such. My pride and stubborness make that very hard.
Before I joined the presidential campaign I was working for, he said I couldn't do it. It only pushed me to work harder on it. Unfortunately he ended up being right, and I had to quit. But I'm still working on a local campaign. Also with my job, it would be perfectly fine to work a 40 hour week, and husband says that's enough. Still, I find myself working at least 45 hours a week just to prove that I can work more than that. It's not for money; I don't get paid for the extra hours!
You say you are happiest as a student--that is a profound statement. I understand; I'm happiest too when using my brain, especially learning. Nikki, that's not something easy or good for you to give up. If I gave it up, life would lose its charm. I'm not in a classroom; I have 1,500 books and I'm an amateur historian and anthropologist trying to write a book. Husband doesn't think I can do it, and I have doubts, but I won't give it up because life would be kind of dull, I'd feel unfulfilled. I'm sure you get that!
If you stayed in a marriage that is making you miserable, hearing "NO" all the time, what will that do to you? I totally understand the concepts of loyalty, of not wanting to give up on a committment, and of being dependent for things (like insurance or money) on someone, and it's a tough spot. Those things are important. But at what cost?
As far as the cost of going back to school, and I don't mean to belittle the financial aspect, but why not cross that bridge when you get to it? You may qualify for financial aid, for a lot of it, and it may not be so terrible. School loan debt is not necessarily bad debt. And what will the debt mean to you if you succeed in getting the degree? I bet it won't mean much to you. It took me five years to pay off the small amount of school debt I acquired, and it didn't matter to me. It was worth every penny, and every sacrifice.
And what to do with the degree, and there's the uncertainty of whether or not you'll be in a position to use it. Certainly these things deserve more thought, but the degree will also open up a lot of options for you. You could do something incredible and profitable online, for instance. It would be an enormous accomplishment, in my opinion, even if you didn't use it. We all know that there are some PhDs that are pretty worthless monetarily, but most are not.
I don't have answers for you, and this is complicated. I just have a very strong gut feeling that if being a student makes you happy, makes you The Real Nikki, that you should by all means do it. And don't forget that you already got a degree while getting sick and getting diagnosed. You may not be perfectly healthy, but this may be a goal that is worth a try. You obviously have a lot of strength (if not physical) in you, and I don't think that you finishing up and getting your PhD is unattainable. Actually, I think it's very likely, considering the person you are!
Sorry for the length and my bluntness. No matter what, don't think you can't vent here. I'm sorry that you sound so unhappy, and you know what can change that, but it's scary. For what it's worth, you have my support in whatever you decide to do.
MSNik
09-06-2008, 08:02 PM
hello Delilah and April. Thank u both for taking the time to respond.
Delilah, im not entirely certain i can agree with your answer, but I still appreciate that you offered me your shoulder! Having school loans is the least of my problems and not even a reason to think twice about this. Ive been a student most of the last 10 years- and finished my MBA 2 months after I was dx with MS. I never thought I could finish at that time, being that I was working 40 hours a week, carrying 18 credits and was valedictorian of an Ivy League school, but I did it....so fear is not something I allow into my life as far as money is concerned. But I see your point, and more then anything else, appreciate your offer of support. THAT is what this place is about.
April, my friend...I knew you would respond the way you did. And, I agree with everything you said, Maybe I was just trying to look into the 'mirror" ;)
Especially what you said about 'good debt' I get that and in fact an a huge advocate of it! Remember last year, My husband bought me this car? Its been driven, alittle. Im afraid of it. Its so fast and powerful- but every month i make the stupid payment on it (thank goodness he paid half of it in cash) and its almost gone (the payments) but yet- I look at that car, and I see a diploma. He will NOT let me sell it either. (heck at this point, I might be living in it, but at least its a really pretty car!) anyway, I totally get where you are coming from with having to prove things. I didnt know what was going on with your dad recently, and Im sorry to hear it. Interestingly enough, i sat down with my father last week and cried my eyes out to him and he actually "got it" for the first time in my life, dad and I connected! Too bad he lives in a nursing home, is only aware of his world 1/2 the time and lives 4 hours away, but for a few minutes there, it was nice. You understand where Im really afraid, dont you? Im scared to death to fail at this marriage..and will NOT allow MS to be the reason. Maybe thats why im so consciously picking this fight. Its easier to argue that school is good for my future then worry about MS taking me down. Both fights are a thorn in my husband's side, but Im actualy picking the less of two evils in my own mind. Hmmm. See, you did make me think, thank you.
I also have a friend who is right around 50 doing her PhD. Its tough and I realize how tough it will be! And I also realize that there are many things I can do with it...but I guess I used up the allotment of "that excuse' when I pushed to do my MBA. Remember, I didnt go to college until I was 32 years old. I got married at 36, already into my BS degree, and continued on..Im 40 now and still loving this whole school idea. My job is a dead end, something happend the other day, where i volunteered my services to help an engineer with a marketing project he is totally ignorant of; and was told by my boss we have an entire marketing department to handle that, but you could call and set up a meeting with one of them. I was blown away. They see me as a secretary now? My goodness, my job is marketing coordinator! So, now I know what Im coordinating- but up until this point thats the first time they gave me an administrative duty! I went to him and reminded him that an MBA in marketing, and 8 years of experience with this type of work, qualifies me to help with this type of project and please let me show him what I was capable of. His next response was "cant. your only parttime. I need a fulltime person backing this up". I offered to work any and all extra hours, I offered to do everything but shine his shoes and walked out of their thoroughly beaten down. SO, I retaliate I guess by wanting something he doesnt have - a higher degree! Keep in mind that this isnt really my motivation, it was just timely..and my husband is a construction worker with no college education at all. Im not a snob on this subject- but what is important to one person is not always important to the next and THIS IS IMPORTANT to me. Proving to myself I can do it is my motivation. No one else....
Thanks for letting me vent April. What you said gave me alot to think about...will keep you posted..and if you happen to see a car parked on the side of the road which appears to have a girl and a cat living in it, introduce yourself....could be us! :D Much as it pains me, much as its killing me, Im realy starting to wonder about my future with my husband. And, trust me, that is more painful then anything Ive encountered MSwise.
hugs
Nikki
Delilah, im not entirely certain i can agree with your answer, but I still appreciate that you offered me your shoulder! Having school loans is the least of my problems and not even a reason to think twice about this. Ive been a student most of the last 10 years- and finished my MBA 2 months after I was dx with MS. I never thought I could finish at that time, being that I was working 40 hours a week, carrying 18 credits and was valedictorian of an Ivy League school, but I did it....so fear is not something I allow into my life as far as money is concerned. But I see your point, and more then anything else, appreciate your offer of support. THAT is what this place is about.
April, my friend...I knew you would respond the way you did. And, I agree with everything you said, Maybe I was just trying to look into the 'mirror" ;)
Especially what you said about 'good debt' I get that and in fact an a huge advocate of it! Remember last year, My husband bought me this car? Its been driven, alittle. Im afraid of it. Its so fast and powerful- but every month i make the stupid payment on it (thank goodness he paid half of it in cash) and its almost gone (the payments) but yet- I look at that car, and I see a diploma. He will NOT let me sell it either. (heck at this point, I might be living in it, but at least its a really pretty car!) anyway, I totally get where you are coming from with having to prove things. I didnt know what was going on with your dad recently, and Im sorry to hear it. Interestingly enough, i sat down with my father last week and cried my eyes out to him and he actually "got it" for the first time in my life, dad and I connected! Too bad he lives in a nursing home, is only aware of his world 1/2 the time and lives 4 hours away, but for a few minutes there, it was nice. You understand where Im really afraid, dont you? Im scared to death to fail at this marriage..and will NOT allow MS to be the reason. Maybe thats why im so consciously picking this fight. Its easier to argue that school is good for my future then worry about MS taking me down. Both fights are a thorn in my husband's side, but Im actualy picking the less of two evils in my own mind. Hmmm. See, you did make me think, thank you.
I also have a friend who is right around 50 doing her PhD. Its tough and I realize how tough it will be! And I also realize that there are many things I can do with it...but I guess I used up the allotment of "that excuse' when I pushed to do my MBA. Remember, I didnt go to college until I was 32 years old. I got married at 36, already into my BS degree, and continued on..Im 40 now and still loving this whole school idea. My job is a dead end, something happend the other day, where i volunteered my services to help an engineer with a marketing project he is totally ignorant of; and was told by my boss we have an entire marketing department to handle that, but you could call and set up a meeting with one of them. I was blown away. They see me as a secretary now? My goodness, my job is marketing coordinator! So, now I know what Im coordinating- but up until this point thats the first time they gave me an administrative duty! I went to him and reminded him that an MBA in marketing, and 8 years of experience with this type of work, qualifies me to help with this type of project and please let me show him what I was capable of. His next response was "cant. your only parttime. I need a fulltime person backing this up". I offered to work any and all extra hours, I offered to do everything but shine his shoes and walked out of their thoroughly beaten down. SO, I retaliate I guess by wanting something he doesnt have - a higher degree! Keep in mind that this isnt really my motivation, it was just timely..and my husband is a construction worker with no college education at all. Im not a snob on this subject- but what is important to one person is not always important to the next and THIS IS IMPORTANT to me. Proving to myself I can do it is my motivation. No one else....
Thanks for letting me vent April. What you said gave me alot to think about...will keep you posted..and if you happen to see a car parked on the side of the road which appears to have a girl and a cat living in it, introduce yourself....could be us! :D Much as it pains me, much as its killing me, Im realy starting to wonder about my future with my husband. And, trust me, that is more painful then anything Ive encountered MSwise.
hugs
Nikki
PghGuy00
09-06-2008, 09:45 PM
Hey Nikki,
Being I'm divorced, I may not be a good one to give good advice. (But that's never stopped me b4.) I say it's your life so do what you want. God doesn't promise us the next breath. When I was in my 20's I developed ALL (leukemia) and during that time I went back for my MBA. My ex didn't really support me in doing that, nor did she really support me with my illness. (Amazing how one becomes able to drive a car on 120mgs of prednisone a day for months at a time.)
Funny, recently I've been thinking about going back to law school. It would be part-time and fortunately my company would pay for most of it. I think we MSers are all in the position that if we want to do it, than do it. Don't let anything get in your way.
As i said I am not a good one to give any advice. I have been single now for nearly 8 years and have absolutely no desire to ever get involved with anyone ever again. I make my own decisions, spend my money without asking, and come and go as I please. I'll stop there on that thought.
Nikki, you're an intelligent person and it would be a shame for you not to fulfill your own personal desires. I wish you the best sweetie.;)
Being I'm divorced, I may not be a good one to give good advice. (But that's never stopped me b4.) I say it's your life so do what you want. God doesn't promise us the next breath. When I was in my 20's I developed ALL (leukemia) and during that time I went back for my MBA. My ex didn't really support me in doing that, nor did she really support me with my illness. (Amazing how one becomes able to drive a car on 120mgs of prednisone a day for months at a time.)
Funny, recently I've been thinking about going back to law school. It would be part-time and fortunately my company would pay for most of it. I think we MSers are all in the position that if we want to do it, than do it. Don't let anything get in your way.
As i said I am not a good one to give any advice. I have been single now for nearly 8 years and have absolutely no desire to ever get involved with anyone ever again. I make my own decisions, spend my money without asking, and come and go as I please. I'll stop there on that thought.
Nikki, you're an intelligent person and it would be a shame for you not to fulfill your own personal desires. I wish you the best sweetie.;)
april1848
09-06-2008, 09:47 PM
I'm glad you responded, Nikki. I was worried that I had offended you. I was just reacting to the sadness and fear I saw in your post, and sometimes when I start writing something I can't stop. I know how MS can destroy relationships, and I also totally understand the need of not allowing MS to end a relationship. Anything else but that! Actually, this was an aspect of MS that I had not really expected. I sort of knew how my mother would react; her mental illness is always a factor. But I had assumed my husband and family would be completely supportive and it wouldn't even be an issue.
I'm glad you got to spend that time with your father. I would love to have that kind of support from mine. His wife is kind but distant. My dad is a wonderful man and I love him; I was always Daddy's Little Girl and that is probably why I have always wanted to prove myself to him. Since my dx he's been treating me like a non-entity, and he's been demeaning and condescending. I know he is disappointed that I have this disease, but it isn't as if I asked for it! Now it seems that any success I have is blotted out because I have MS. I feel like he's lost all respect for me. When I saw him last week and he told me that MS isn't a real disease and it's nothing compared to Fibro, he also made a distateful joke. He said something to my husband about if I'm ever in a wheelchair and we argue, he can just push me down the stairs. That's when Husband and I left, before a fight ensued.
Maybe that's why I pick fights with Dad about politics (and ours are completely different)?? It's much easier to fight about that than my MS, which is basically a sign of weakness to him. It's easier to avoid him or leave the family function early because of a fight about anything but MS.
I'm sorry about your job, and I can see how that would push you towards school. A crummy job pushed me towards school too. But getting your PhD for yourself is the most noble and necessary of motivations! You were the valedictorian at an Ivy League school? You shouldn't take NO for an answer. I think you should do it, and then we can call you Dr. Nikki!:) It will make you happy, and you will enjoy all the success that it brings you, including in the job department.
I know that the thought of your marriage possibly ending in the future scares you more than MS. It scares me too, but not as much now as before. Nobody really knows what goes on between two people except those two people, and it can be the most complicated thing in the world. It's not a matter to be taken lightly and deserves a lot of thought. I can't imagine the thoughts that are in your mind about all of this. I know how much you've done to make it work out. Is there any way he can understand how important this is--much more important than a car? I don't get the way men set their priorities, I may never get it!
I hope that you are feeling well through all of this and able to find time to relax. I hope you find a way to go back to school, and find happiness in a classroom. I saw something on the news the other day about universities offering more classes online, and many students take classes both ways. The professors will even let you text or IM them. I know you can do it. Maybe if you're happy and content in school, the decisions you have to make about other things will be clearer and easier.
Have a good, peaceful night, Nikki. No decisions have to be made tonight! You're in my thoughts.
I'm glad you got to spend that time with your father. I would love to have that kind of support from mine. His wife is kind but distant. My dad is a wonderful man and I love him; I was always Daddy's Little Girl and that is probably why I have always wanted to prove myself to him. Since my dx he's been treating me like a non-entity, and he's been demeaning and condescending. I know he is disappointed that I have this disease, but it isn't as if I asked for it! Now it seems that any success I have is blotted out because I have MS. I feel like he's lost all respect for me. When I saw him last week and he told me that MS isn't a real disease and it's nothing compared to Fibro, he also made a distateful joke. He said something to my husband about if I'm ever in a wheelchair and we argue, he can just push me down the stairs. That's when Husband and I left, before a fight ensued.
Maybe that's why I pick fights with Dad about politics (and ours are completely different)?? It's much easier to fight about that than my MS, which is basically a sign of weakness to him. It's easier to avoid him or leave the family function early because of a fight about anything but MS.
I'm sorry about your job, and I can see how that would push you towards school. A crummy job pushed me towards school too. But getting your PhD for yourself is the most noble and necessary of motivations! You were the valedictorian at an Ivy League school? You shouldn't take NO for an answer. I think you should do it, and then we can call you Dr. Nikki!:) It will make you happy, and you will enjoy all the success that it brings you, including in the job department.
I know that the thought of your marriage possibly ending in the future scares you more than MS. It scares me too, but not as much now as before. Nobody really knows what goes on between two people except those two people, and it can be the most complicated thing in the world. It's not a matter to be taken lightly and deserves a lot of thought. I can't imagine the thoughts that are in your mind about all of this. I know how much you've done to make it work out. Is there any way he can understand how important this is--much more important than a car? I don't get the way men set their priorities, I may never get it!
I hope that you are feeling well through all of this and able to find time to relax. I hope you find a way to go back to school, and find happiness in a classroom. I saw something on the news the other day about universities offering more classes online, and many students take classes both ways. The professors will even let you text or IM them. I know you can do it. Maybe if you're happy and content in school, the decisions you have to make about other things will be clearer and easier.
Have a good, peaceful night, Nikki. No decisions have to be made tonight! You're in my thoughts.
MSNik
09-06-2008, 10:45 PM
Hi Pghguy and April....
Funny Pitt that you would mention law school. That was my dream! When I was in highschool, I would have given anything to start college and continue thru law school. Both of my brothers went to U of Pitt by the way, and then onto American U to be attorneys....and my life went a different direction and I gave up that dream. Recently, it has started surfacing again; however my real love is marketing, and patent law aside, working with products and brand awareness. I think I have to do the whole Marketing thing to really get it right. But I so apprecaite the tone and words you posted. And trust me, this is it- no more committments! I had it really good when I was single. I even had all of my undergrad paid by grants due to my lower income level. Then I had to go and blow it for a diamond ring- my MBA cost me about 35,000 right out of my pocket~ No finacial aid available for this chic- not once I got married...looking at the same thing, only more expensive with the PhD. I truly get where you are coming from..and am jealous. Id give anything to have an employer who would pitch in! (and the freedom to make my own choices). Hugs to you and thank you!
April, offended? Me? Come on- I do the offending around here! :dizzy: No way you could offend me especially with that sort of honesty! I totally agree with you and understand alot more then you think...somehow April, I always get you. The thing with the whole marriage is scary.We havent been married 5 years yet, and we have alot against us, without including MS...his kids, his ex...life is never dull. Im afraid I admit it...school loans dont scare me, but ending this does. Deep down Im not ready to do it, but it woudnt take much to get on a plane and just run away most of the time. Im trying to have that relaxing night you told me to have...but its not really working. We just had the storm go thru, ive got a house full of kids, and my mind is somewhere else...but hey- its not a shot day, right?! As if that matters to me either. I can do them in my sleep. But the good news is Im walking and thinking somewhat clearly, I dont feel bad in the grand scheme of things- and Ive got you guys...thank you (both of you) for your support and love.
Hugs
Nikki
Funny Pitt that you would mention law school. That was my dream! When I was in highschool, I would have given anything to start college and continue thru law school. Both of my brothers went to U of Pitt by the way, and then onto American U to be attorneys....and my life went a different direction and I gave up that dream. Recently, it has started surfacing again; however my real love is marketing, and patent law aside, working with products and brand awareness. I think I have to do the whole Marketing thing to really get it right. But I so apprecaite the tone and words you posted. And trust me, this is it- no more committments! I had it really good when I was single. I even had all of my undergrad paid by grants due to my lower income level. Then I had to go and blow it for a diamond ring- my MBA cost me about 35,000 right out of my pocket~ No finacial aid available for this chic- not once I got married...looking at the same thing, only more expensive with the PhD. I truly get where you are coming from..and am jealous. Id give anything to have an employer who would pitch in! (and the freedom to make my own choices). Hugs to you and thank you!
April, offended? Me? Come on- I do the offending around here! :dizzy: No way you could offend me especially with that sort of honesty! I totally agree with you and understand alot more then you think...somehow April, I always get you. The thing with the whole marriage is scary.We havent been married 5 years yet, and we have alot against us, without including MS...his kids, his ex...life is never dull. Im afraid I admit it...school loans dont scare me, but ending this does. Deep down Im not ready to do it, but it woudnt take much to get on a plane and just run away most of the time. Im trying to have that relaxing night you told me to have...but its not really working. We just had the storm go thru, ive got a house full of kids, and my mind is somewhere else...but hey- its not a shot day, right?! As if that matters to me either. I can do them in my sleep. But the good news is Im walking and thinking somewhat clearly, I dont feel bad in the grand scheme of things- and Ive got you guys...thank you (both of you) for your support and love.
Hugs
Nikki
MSJayhawk
09-07-2008, 01:05 AM
While education is a good thing, what is your goal in acquiring a Ph.D.? Look at it objectively and not emotionally is the key. If you are seeking solace from a relationship, it is not necessarily the correct choice. Ph.D.'s are good if you wish to go into teaching, otherwise, will your goal be a career move and will you be able to recoup your investment?
If you can work part-time and educate yourself further, I think you will be all right.
Hearing 'no' is hard for all humans to accept. If you can show your husband your objective reason, perhaps he will be more likely to support you.
Lastly, it is your life and your will. If you believe this goal is obtainable, then proceed forward.
If you can work part-time and educate yourself further, I think you will be all right.
Hearing 'no' is hard for all humans to accept. If you can show your husband your objective reason, perhaps he will be more likely to support you.
Lastly, it is your life and your will. If you believe this goal is obtainable, then proceed forward.
ellekay
09-07-2008, 03:02 AM
Firstly i congratulate you for having enough motivation to want to do what you want to do. I think its a brilliant thing your doing , and at the same time you are stimulating your brain which is what you need.
Secondly, for someone who loves you very much, he sure isnt very supportive of your decision. We all know that with love comes a lot of sacrafice and support, and not saying that he doesnt love you of course, but its his role as a husband to encourage you in whatever path you choose to walk down, within reason.
He of course has every right to be concerned, especially if its gonna impact you financially, but at the end of the day, money comes and goes, your health and peace of mind MUST come before all that. You need to do what feels right for you, and he needs to understand that what you've been through health wise, is not a walk in the park, and if he thinks it is, tell him to join this site and we'll make him think twice im sure.
I hope that you have enough people in your life to support whatever decision you make. Thats really important, cause if your not getting it from him, you need to get it from someone else.
If your husband is a reasonable man, then talking to him, and trying to make him understand what you want and what your doing this for should do the trick. Sure you may never work in the field that you have chosen to study in, but at least you got far, achieved what you wanted, stimulated your mind and had loads of fun in the process. Surely that should matter just a little to him?
I hope that you come to a decision that will suit the 2 of your needs at best, but i also hope that choose to put yourself and your health above anything, because we all know here, thats all that matters most, nothing else.
Goodluck.
Elle
Secondly, for someone who loves you very much, he sure isnt very supportive of your decision. We all know that with love comes a lot of sacrafice and support, and not saying that he doesnt love you of course, but its his role as a husband to encourage you in whatever path you choose to walk down, within reason.
He of course has every right to be concerned, especially if its gonna impact you financially, but at the end of the day, money comes and goes, your health and peace of mind MUST come before all that. You need to do what feels right for you, and he needs to understand that what you've been through health wise, is not a walk in the park, and if he thinks it is, tell him to join this site and we'll make him think twice im sure.
I hope that you have enough people in your life to support whatever decision you make. Thats really important, cause if your not getting it from him, you need to get it from someone else.
If your husband is a reasonable man, then talking to him, and trying to make him understand what you want and what your doing this for should do the trick. Sure you may never work in the field that you have chosen to study in, but at least you got far, achieved what you wanted, stimulated your mind and had loads of fun in the process. Surely that should matter just a little to him?
I hope that you come to a decision that will suit the 2 of your needs at best, but i also hope that choose to put yourself and your health above anything, because we all know here, thats all that matters most, nothing else.
Goodluck.
Elle
Bearygood
09-07-2008, 11:58 AM
Nikki, at the risk of sounding too blunt (and apologies if I am), school doesn't really seem like the real problem. Maybe it is for the moment but from what you've previously posted about your personal situation, it just seems like the latest thing. It sounds like your sense of well-being and self-esteem is constantly being challenged. I don't know if you or your husband are willing but it sounds like it would be a good thing to consider a counselor if you both want things to get better.
I hope things turn around for you.
I hope things turn around for you.
MSNik
09-07-2008, 02:30 PM
Jayhawk, Elle and Bearygood. Thank you.
All of you bring up important things to think about. And, Bearygood- you nailed it. This is the latest thing- not the whole reason for my post. Elle, you said that you hoped I had more support in my life since it doesnt sound like Im getting it from him and that is the problem, too. I dont. I have 0 support at all, in this thing called MS, other than here. I have family who loves me, friends who care- but no one to really bounce things off of that have to do with dealing with life with this disease. I come here, and have always depended on the wisdom and experiences of others to help me see things more clearly...as for him and I getting counseling. Forget it. Weve now done it twice in a year's time and both times I sat there and listened to him YES the counselor to death and then walked outside to hear him SCREAM at me about what a waste of time/money this is. We went 4 times the first time before I gave up and another 4 times this past time before I actualy called it quits on him. Now, I do go by myself, but honestly, this counselor isnt seeing the whole picture and is alittle skewed by what she heard come out of his mouth- its time to start over, alone on that front.
Jayhawk you also bring up an interesting point about goals...and honstly, i did think that having this degree might allow me to teach, from home- college level online courses, if in fact the future shows that I cant be in the workplace fulltime. I love to teach, have substitute taught off and on for the past few years, and really- college level courses DO need a phD. My MBA isnt helping me, and I keep getting looked over due to lack of experience and lack of PhD. So thats interesting that you thought of that. You would, though- you have the homeschooling experience. My husband is of the thought that no matter what, education is just a piece of paper, whereas I see it as the stepping stone to why Ive outgrown him in so many ways...he is also threatened by that thought, as I have stated it clearly that the further I get with my education, the more we fight about what IM doing with it.
Elle, you said " at the end of the day, money comes and goes, your health and peace of mind MUST come before all that. You need to do what feels right for you" and that statement applies to all of us. If I wait ten years to see how my health holds up and find that Im okay- Ill regret the last ten years of not doing this. If in ten years I find that im not as okay as I hope to be, I dont want to regret what I didnt do either...and lastly, if I find that in fifteen years that things are going downhill, at least Ill have had the experience and the education to hopefully look out for myself. All I know is that all this fighting is NOt good for my health, and Im alittle tired of being told its "all in my head". YUP. It might be. Its called MS.
Thanks you guys...more food for thought and its greatly appreciated.
Nikki
All of you bring up important things to think about. And, Bearygood- you nailed it. This is the latest thing- not the whole reason for my post. Elle, you said that you hoped I had more support in my life since it doesnt sound like Im getting it from him and that is the problem, too. I dont. I have 0 support at all, in this thing called MS, other than here. I have family who loves me, friends who care- but no one to really bounce things off of that have to do with dealing with life with this disease. I come here, and have always depended on the wisdom and experiences of others to help me see things more clearly...as for him and I getting counseling. Forget it. Weve now done it twice in a year's time and both times I sat there and listened to him YES the counselor to death and then walked outside to hear him SCREAM at me about what a waste of time/money this is. We went 4 times the first time before I gave up and another 4 times this past time before I actualy called it quits on him. Now, I do go by myself, but honestly, this counselor isnt seeing the whole picture and is alittle skewed by what she heard come out of his mouth- its time to start over, alone on that front.
Jayhawk you also bring up an interesting point about goals...and honstly, i did think that having this degree might allow me to teach, from home- college level online courses, if in fact the future shows that I cant be in the workplace fulltime. I love to teach, have substitute taught off and on for the past few years, and really- college level courses DO need a phD. My MBA isnt helping me, and I keep getting looked over due to lack of experience and lack of PhD. So thats interesting that you thought of that. You would, though- you have the homeschooling experience. My husband is of the thought that no matter what, education is just a piece of paper, whereas I see it as the stepping stone to why Ive outgrown him in so many ways...he is also threatened by that thought, as I have stated it clearly that the further I get with my education, the more we fight about what IM doing with it.
Elle, you said " at the end of the day, money comes and goes, your health and peace of mind MUST come before all that. You need to do what feels right for you" and that statement applies to all of us. If I wait ten years to see how my health holds up and find that Im okay- Ill regret the last ten years of not doing this. If in ten years I find that im not as okay as I hope to be, I dont want to regret what I didnt do either...and lastly, if I find that in fifteen years that things are going downhill, at least Ill have had the experience and the education to hopefully look out for myself. All I know is that all this fighting is NOt good for my health, and Im alittle tired of being told its "all in my head". YUP. It might be. Its called MS.
Thanks you guys...more food for thought and its greatly appreciated.
Nikki
april1848
09-07-2008, 03:06 PM
I think there is a lot of wisdom in the posts here. Nikki, I just wanted to remind you that you do have support here, and I for one will be here for you no matter how tough things become. Yes, you are facing probably one of the hardest things right now, but I have no doubt that you can get through it.
MSNik
09-07-2008, 05:57 PM
April, it really helps to hear that, thank you. I have spent the entire day with my husband and his kids- its his youngest son's 9th birthday...its been trying, to say the least. We actually attempted to talk earlier this morning before going down to join the family- it didnt go well. He has basically tuned me out the rest of the day. I get both the silent treatment and venomous looks when I try to be nice- its a no-win situation. He takes them back to their mothers at 7 and for the first time ever, IM staying home. I need space and quiet!
Thank you for what you said- I only wish that this board allowed more private interraction- but since it doesnt, I take what I can get and greatfully say thank you for what you wrote.
Nikki
Thank you for what you said- I only wish that this board allowed more private interraction- but since it doesnt, I take what I can get and greatfully say thank you for what you wrote.
Nikki
jlbrow7
09-07-2008, 07:00 PM
Nikki, at the risk of sounding too blunt (and apologies if I am), school doesn't really seem like the real problem. Maybe it is for the moment but from what you've previously posted about your personal situation, it just seems like the latest thing. It sounds like your sense of well-being and self-esteem is constantly being challenged. I don't know if you or your husband are willing but it sounds like it would be a good thing to consider a counselor if you both want things to get better.
I hope things turn around for you.
Nikki,
Ditto (Bearygood's advice).
I hope things turn around for you.
Nikki,
Ditto (Bearygood's advice).
MSNik
09-07-2008, 08:36 PM
jlbrow, as i said earlier to Bearygood, bingo. This is another symtom of a sick relationship..but its a relationship which Im terrified to let go of....at the moment...your advice (and everyone else's) along with my own strength will eventually give me the courage to face what I know needs to be done- just not yet. But thank you.....even your ditto has meaning. Thanks.
Nikki
Nikki
ellekay
09-07-2008, 09:18 PM
I once heard a short story that has made me think everytime i find myself in a situation just like yours.
This lady lived to be 100 yrs old, and they asked her "what is it that you regret most in your life?"
Said responded - " I regret not learnng to play the piano, even if i had started at the age of 50, i wouldve been playing for 50 yrs. If only i knew i would live to be 100"
I love that story and it goes to show how we live our lives so restricted of what we really want to do. MS is a physical and somewhat mental disorder and if he doesnt believe that, show him the pics of the lesions that are most likely resting on your brain and/or spine.
I haven't been diagnosed yet, but if i really dont have MS ( which will surprise me greatly ) i am grateful that i have joined this group and learnt about the disease in detail. All the ladies here have educated me and therefore have made it less scary.
I hope that you do what feels right inside. At the end of the day, maybe its not about the study or the money, maybe there is an underlining reason why he is frustrated and unwilling to educate himself on what you have.
Its sounds to me that your half already gone, and if thats the case then i hope you go and do what YOU WANT TO DO.
Elle
This lady lived to be 100 yrs old, and they asked her "what is it that you regret most in your life?"
Said responded - " I regret not learnng to play the piano, even if i had started at the age of 50, i wouldve been playing for 50 yrs. If only i knew i would live to be 100"
I love that story and it goes to show how we live our lives so restricted of what we really want to do. MS is a physical and somewhat mental disorder and if he doesnt believe that, show him the pics of the lesions that are most likely resting on your brain and/or spine.
I haven't been diagnosed yet, but if i really dont have MS ( which will surprise me greatly ) i am grateful that i have joined this group and learnt about the disease in detail. All the ladies here have educated me and therefore have made it less scary.
I hope that you do what feels right inside. At the end of the day, maybe its not about the study or the money, maybe there is an underlining reason why he is frustrated and unwilling to educate himself on what you have.
Its sounds to me that your half already gone, and if thats the case then i hope you go and do what YOU WANT TO DO.
Elle
MSNik
09-07-2008, 09:23 PM
Oh Elle. If only it was that easy! I loved your story, thank you...there is much truth to that. Its very true, regrets are one thing we cannot change. But once upon a time, I really loved this man- and somewhere inside both of us, it still lives. Sometimes, its hard to tell what is an MS thing - even emotionally, and what is real. Im trying to find that out, now. I cant afford to make a mistake here. School will not be a reason for us separating; however lack of support in my world, could be. We'll see. Time will tell........but thanks again.
Nikki
Nikki
ellekay
09-07-2008, 09:50 PM
Your welcome.
Be patient. These things have a way of working themselves out.
Be patient. These things have a way of working themselves out.
glamour girl
09-09-2008, 03:31 AM
Oh Nikki Nikki Nikki....I just gone back to the start and read all these posts.. whats happening in your world. ?? I feel your sadness. So sorry to see you going through this crisis. You need support girl. I'm glad you come here.
I totally agreed with Bearygood. They were the same thoughts going through my mind. She did hit the nail on the head. glad you agree too. Whats up with hubby? I assumed things were going good at home. Maybe when he chooses to be huh?? Silent treatment sucks. I think that's worse than arguing in its self. You need to do something for yourself hon. Family aside... I say to my husband. Happy Wife Happy Home !!!
I sure hope the dust will settle, and you get clarity with your thoughts. I also understand your dependant of him for
I'm sorry i haven't been on. my kids have been hit with the virus that's going around the entire school. On the bend now.
Back to you... You always have us here. Vent all you like. Thoughts are with you.
I totally agreed with Bearygood. They were the same thoughts going through my mind. She did hit the nail on the head. glad you agree too. Whats up with hubby? I assumed things were going good at home. Maybe when he chooses to be huh?? Silent treatment sucks. I think that's worse than arguing in its self. You need to do something for yourself hon. Family aside... I say to my husband. Happy Wife Happy Home !!!
I sure hope the dust will settle, and you get clarity with your thoughts. I also understand your dependant of him for
I'm sorry i haven't been on. my kids have been hit with the virus that's going around the entire school. On the bend now.
Back to you... You always have us here. Vent all you like. Thoughts are with you.
MSNik
09-09-2008, 01:05 PM
Thanks GG. things are not good- and thanks for caring..this weekend was almost the end for sure...but we are still communicating, still trying to find some sort of happy medium. I just honstly think, this MS stuff is the catlyst. Do you remember last month when I posted that he didnt know I still used this board? He knows now...one of my posts gave away everything, probably the one where I defended myself so much...but nevertheless, something is triggering alot of resentment.
My issues sound "personal" But really, they arent. Thet title of this thread "Being told no" is more then being told "no you cant go to school or no you cant do this or that"...Its really about support, or lack of it and the way our significant others percieve us. If they do not feel that we have a future, or they do not feel that we will conquer MS issues- then how are we supposed to believe it? Thats the support Im really wondering about. I know it exists here, but is it possible that no one without MS can really truly understand that a half empty glass ( as opposed to a half full one) is really very detrimental to our health?
hmmmm.
hugs
N
My issues sound "personal" But really, they arent. Thet title of this thread "Being told no" is more then being told "no you cant go to school or no you cant do this or that"...Its really about support, or lack of it and the way our significant others percieve us. If they do not feel that we have a future, or they do not feel that we will conquer MS issues- then how are we supposed to believe it? Thats the support Im really wondering about. I know it exists here, but is it possible that no one without MS can really truly understand that a half empty glass ( as opposed to a half full one) is really very detrimental to our health?
hmmmm.
hugs
N
april1848
09-09-2008, 08:23 PM
is it possible that no one without MS can really truly understand that a half empty glass ( as opposed to a half full one) is really very detrimental to our health?
Yes, it's possible. My best friend is 100% supportive and when I talk to her, I may as well be talking to an MS patient, and that's how she responds. These people are hard to find, but they exist! I must admit she's only one of two people I know like that, and the other one is another friend, not my husband. He is supportive one day and not so the next. You know.
You're right about the meaning of this thread. Sometimes thoughts evolve like that. I've had lots of thoughts evolve here.
I agree with what you said earlier that it's a bummer that we can't have more personal connections. But I'm not going anywhere, and I wish you the best!
Yes, it's possible. My best friend is 100% supportive and when I talk to her, I may as well be talking to an MS patient, and that's how she responds. These people are hard to find, but they exist! I must admit she's only one of two people I know like that, and the other one is another friend, not my husband. He is supportive one day and not so the next. You know.
You're right about the meaning of this thread. Sometimes thoughts evolve like that. I've had lots of thoughts evolve here.
I agree with what you said earlier that it's a bummer that we can't have more personal connections. But I'm not going anywhere, and I wish you the best!
MSNik
09-09-2008, 10:27 PM
Im not leaving you either pal! Im glad that you have at least 2 people in your world who really are there for you. Interestingly enough, I have 2 as well, with a third possible candidate who im still feeling out. My 2 best girlfriends never stop shouting my praises and reminding me what I have done and what Ive accomplished, even thru all this latest husband bs, they have been there for me. Too bad one is in Florida and the other in Arizona though, i could really use a shoulder these days..
And then there is someone at work, where I used to work. Hes a national director, someone who did know I had MS and interestingly enough from Germany. Hamburg to be exact. He is here on a visa, and while I still worked there, we didnt cross paths often, but now that im gone, hes the only person I still talk to from the old company. Lately Ive been confiding in him alot, partly because he has his PhD and partly because at my new job, his specialty keeps popping up as something I need more info on and he is the logical person for me to call and ask details of....not to mention I am picking his brain about PhD stuff.....but you know, who would have thought that a man, a foreigner, who speaks 12 languages and is a major player in a large company would wind up being my friend and confidant? He hasnt known me long enough to know all my secrets (and tricks) but he is rapidly becomming someone I trust and respect. So it does go to prove that being told no is no where near as healthy as being told YES!
April, I get what you said about being introspective, too. really, I get that!
Hugs
n
And then there is someone at work, where I used to work. Hes a national director, someone who did know I had MS and interestingly enough from Germany. Hamburg to be exact. He is here on a visa, and while I still worked there, we didnt cross paths often, but now that im gone, hes the only person I still talk to from the old company. Lately Ive been confiding in him alot, partly because he has his PhD and partly because at my new job, his specialty keeps popping up as something I need more info on and he is the logical person for me to call and ask details of....not to mention I am picking his brain about PhD stuff.....but you know, who would have thought that a man, a foreigner, who speaks 12 languages and is a major player in a large company would wind up being my friend and confidant? He hasnt known me long enough to know all my secrets (and tricks) but he is rapidly becomming someone I trust and respect. So it does go to prove that being told no is no where near as healthy as being told YES!
April, I get what you said about being introspective, too. really, I get that!
Hugs
n
supernova_krose
09-09-2008, 11:34 PM
msnik,
Do you need to get loans to get a PhD? What field are you interested in? I ask because I'm in science, and didn't have to pay anything for graduate school..I actually got paid a stipend. I had to do my research, and sometimes TA a class, but my advisor's grants paid my tuition and my stipend.
It's not exactly a stress free experience. It took 4 years full time (this after my master's degree) to finish. With the vision symptoms I have now, I know it would be much harder to keep up with all the reading. Classes were easy to get through (about 2 years full time for classes). It's the research and writing part that I found most stressful.
So, if it's something you want to do...apply to different schools and see what they offer. If you're in the business world it may be different than the physics world that I'm familiar with, but they need TAs as well, so there are probably support opportunities out there.
On an emotional level, it is important to have a supportive family. I started my PhD when my oldest child was just a baby, and had a second child while I was still in school. I definitely needed the home support just to get through the day.
Good luck to you in all that you try.
Kay
Do you need to get loans to get a PhD? What field are you interested in? I ask because I'm in science, and didn't have to pay anything for graduate school..I actually got paid a stipend. I had to do my research, and sometimes TA a class, but my advisor's grants paid my tuition and my stipend.
It's not exactly a stress free experience. It took 4 years full time (this after my master's degree) to finish. With the vision symptoms I have now, I know it would be much harder to keep up with all the reading. Classes were easy to get through (about 2 years full time for classes). It's the research and writing part that I found most stressful.
So, if it's something you want to do...apply to different schools and see what they offer. If you're in the business world it may be different than the physics world that I'm familiar with, but they need TAs as well, so there are probably support opportunities out there.
On an emotional level, it is important to have a supportive family. I started my PhD when my oldest child was just a baby, and had a second child while I was still in school. I definitely needed the home support just to get through the day.
Good luck to you in all that you try.
Kay
Tasia W
09-10-2008, 02:42 AM
Nikki Nikki Nikki
I sure hope that you don't think that I have forgot about you...or anyone else on this board for that matter. I haven't been checkin in regular due to some personal stuff and I see that I am missing alot by not doing so. I feel bad because I read alot of posts and feel that I have nothing valid to say and so I don't.
Where to begin. Most of us have a favorite comfort food, something that is easy to make, delicious to eat...and makes us feel instantly good. Most of us have our favorite comfort places, a soft cushy couch & a warm blanket, a bubble bath and some scented candles or a hot cup of coffee and a good chat with your best friend. Whatever it is that makes you feel good inside also lets you feel safe and secure.
When you are not feeling safe and secure in your own environment such as your home, your work or your relationships it is the worse feeling ever. It means your life is unbalanced and your needs are not being met. You already realize this and are taking some first steps to rectify it. You said that school was one of your favorite places to be...its familiar to you and is perhaps one of your comfort places. When you think of becoming a student again do you instantly fill good inside? It is a place that offers you safety and security. I support you 100% going back to school...even through on line courses.
When I was a little girl and I was feeling unsure of my world I could always count on my Dad to make me feel better. I could sit in his lap and he would just hug me and make me feel like I was the most special person on earth.
Now I have myself to rely on to feel safe and secure and that is alot of pressure.I wish that I could count on my husband more but that is just not in the cards right now. I feel he looks to me to make things all better when crisis situations arise.
Your husband must have enough insight to know that you two have grown apart and perhaps is afraid that you going back to school will just put the icing on the cake for a possible separation. He loves you because you are intelligent but he seems jealous at the same time...like he is not in the same league as you.
My hope is that you to will come to an understanding, a realization on what it will take, what ever that may be, to make you both happy people again. Does that mean that you are going to separate or stay together...well only you two know that answer. Sometimes it just hard to see it.
Take care Nikki, hope I wasn't too long winded and my apologies to everyone else reading this long long post. tried to keep it simple and got carried away.
Many hugs to you Nikki:angel:
FYI I have been talking to many MS'ers in my community specifically on how MS affects relationships. The responses that I have got are not that positive I am sorry to say. Perhaps this could be a new thread?
Take care yourselves everyone!!
Tasia
I sure hope that you don't think that I have forgot about you...or anyone else on this board for that matter. I haven't been checkin in regular due to some personal stuff and I see that I am missing alot by not doing so. I feel bad because I read alot of posts and feel that I have nothing valid to say and so I don't.
Where to begin. Most of us have a favorite comfort food, something that is easy to make, delicious to eat...and makes us feel instantly good. Most of us have our favorite comfort places, a soft cushy couch & a warm blanket, a bubble bath and some scented candles or a hot cup of coffee and a good chat with your best friend. Whatever it is that makes you feel good inside also lets you feel safe and secure.
When you are not feeling safe and secure in your own environment such as your home, your work or your relationships it is the worse feeling ever. It means your life is unbalanced and your needs are not being met. You already realize this and are taking some first steps to rectify it. You said that school was one of your favorite places to be...its familiar to you and is perhaps one of your comfort places. When you think of becoming a student again do you instantly fill good inside? It is a place that offers you safety and security. I support you 100% going back to school...even through on line courses.
When I was a little girl and I was feeling unsure of my world I could always count on my Dad to make me feel better. I could sit in his lap and he would just hug me and make me feel like I was the most special person on earth.
Now I have myself to rely on to feel safe and secure and that is alot of pressure.I wish that I could count on my husband more but that is just not in the cards right now. I feel he looks to me to make things all better when crisis situations arise.
Your husband must have enough insight to know that you two have grown apart and perhaps is afraid that you going back to school will just put the icing on the cake for a possible separation. He loves you because you are intelligent but he seems jealous at the same time...like he is not in the same league as you.
My hope is that you to will come to an understanding, a realization on what it will take, what ever that may be, to make you both happy people again. Does that mean that you are going to separate or stay together...well only you two know that answer. Sometimes it just hard to see it.
Take care Nikki, hope I wasn't too long winded and my apologies to everyone else reading this long long post. tried to keep it simple and got carried away.
Many hugs to you Nikki:angel:
FYI I have been talking to many MS'ers in my community specifically on how MS affects relationships. The responses that I have got are not that positive I am sorry to say. Perhaps this could be a new thread?
Take care yourselves everyone!!
Tasia
glamour girl
09-10-2008, 07:15 AM
I do remember that post. I also remember stating that if my hubby went behind my back to read my posts. I was asking for chocolate..
I sometimes do wish he'd read these posts. maybe he can see, exactly what we all go through. Well if your husband is reading these. I hope his gettting that you are hurting. His got to remember why you guys fell in love. You haven't been married that long.
I hope this stress doesn't effect your health, cause we all know it can.
I sure hope your having a better day. I'll be thinking about you. :angel:
I sometimes do wish he'd read these posts. maybe he can see, exactly what we all go through. Well if your husband is reading these. I hope his gettting that you are hurting. His got to remember why you guys fell in love. You haven't been married that long.
I hope this stress doesn't effect your health, cause we all know it can.
I sure hope your having a better day. I'll be thinking about you. :angel:
ellekay
09-10-2008, 07:30 AM
I also think its possible for a person without MS to understand.
My boyfriend i think is suffering more than i am. His empathy is almost too much and he exhausts himself taking me to appointments and calling me every couple of hours to see if im okay. And i havent even been diagnosed yet but he can see how bad my symptoms are. My 2 best friends are also the same.
Nik i was thinking maybe the 2 of you need some time away together. Maybe that will rekindle some old flames. Go somewhere nice, even if its just getting a really nice hotel together and just chilling out, talking and reconnecting. Dont even talk about MS or the school stuff, but talk about the things that got you together in the first place.
Elle
My boyfriend i think is suffering more than i am. His empathy is almost too much and he exhausts himself taking me to appointments and calling me every couple of hours to see if im okay. And i havent even been diagnosed yet but he can see how bad my symptoms are. My 2 best friends are also the same.
Nik i was thinking maybe the 2 of you need some time away together. Maybe that will rekindle some old flames. Go somewhere nice, even if its just getting a really nice hotel together and just chilling out, talking and reconnecting. Dont even talk about MS or the school stuff, but talk about the things that got you together in the first place.
Elle
Lala9
09-10-2008, 02:57 PM
Hey there MSNik... I just caught up on your posting as well as others, and would like to add a bit to it. First of all, I'm so sorry for the hard times... I'm sure as difficult as MS can be, a marriage on the rocks can be even worse. In terms of attempting to spend time together I think elle's post was excellent advice. A weekend away would be perfect... some time remember why you originally fell in love, get out of the atmosphere where all the bickering has taken place... and begin again. While on your "weekend" take a few hours to really discuss all that has bothered him... and all that has bothered you. Both agree to be 100% honest and upfront. After a long talk and possible cries... try to meet in the middle. After all a relationship is about compromise. I'm sure your husband wants to fight as little as you do... but sometimes it's easier to fight than it is to makeup. Don't waste one more week. Go away... have a long talk... and then spend the rest of the weekend being carefree and remembering your love.
In terms of schooling, I know how important that must be for you. If my boyfriend of three years, attempted to tell me that I couldn't go on to graduate school once I finish my undergraduate next year... I would not only be shocked but incredibly offended. I know there are different circumstances once in a marriage vs. dating such as financial and such... but here is my advice. My boyfriend has been doing this new plan lately while contemplating if he wants to take a year off before graduate school or not. The plan is easy, it is RESEARCH! Research, research, research. In a sense... do your homework before you even enroll! Do you know exactly what degree you want to go back to get? If not... narrow it down. Make a list of pros and cons for the different degrees. Check out what the colleges near you have to offer. And even go as far as calling and talking, or emailing the person in charge. Have them answer any question or hesitation that you may have. Talk to them about financial loans or ways of payment. If you are planning to go to school full time... here's another idea. I know at some larger universities, like mine... there are Teaching Assistants. When you are hired as a "teaching assistant" you get the majority of your tuition paid for and also get $10,000 a semester. So you are bringing in some income and also not taking out loans. Make sure you also do your homework in terms of what this degree will offer you upon graduation. The last thing you want is to throw money down the drain for the potential of never finding work, or the possibility of finding the same work without the graduate degree.
This is just some of my advice. I could be way of base... but just some ideas. I wish you well! And hope you can work out as much as you need to! In the mean time... we are here for you!
In terms of schooling, I know how important that must be for you. If my boyfriend of three years, attempted to tell me that I couldn't go on to graduate school once I finish my undergraduate next year... I would not only be shocked but incredibly offended. I know there are different circumstances once in a marriage vs. dating such as financial and such... but here is my advice. My boyfriend has been doing this new plan lately while contemplating if he wants to take a year off before graduate school or not. The plan is easy, it is RESEARCH! Research, research, research. In a sense... do your homework before you even enroll! Do you know exactly what degree you want to go back to get? If not... narrow it down. Make a list of pros and cons for the different degrees. Check out what the colleges near you have to offer. And even go as far as calling and talking, or emailing the person in charge. Have them answer any question or hesitation that you may have. Talk to them about financial loans or ways of payment. If you are planning to go to school full time... here's another idea. I know at some larger universities, like mine... there are Teaching Assistants. When you are hired as a "teaching assistant" you get the majority of your tuition paid for and also get $10,000 a semester. So you are bringing in some income and also not taking out loans. Make sure you also do your homework in terms of what this degree will offer you upon graduation. The last thing you want is to throw money down the drain for the potential of never finding work, or the possibility of finding the same work without the graduate degree.
This is just some of my advice. I could be way of base... but just some ideas. I wish you well! And hope you can work out as much as you need to! In the mean time... we are here for you!
parisiancat
09-11-2008, 08:53 PM
Hi Nikki,
I have been following your thread and haven't posted, because well, I'm single, have been trying to tackle the MS thing without asking for support from friends and family, and so don't really have any advice to give you.
I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you and I hope everything works out for you (whatever the outcome may be).
Cat xxx
I have been following your thread and haven't posted, because well, I'm single, have been trying to tackle the MS thing without asking for support from friends and family, and so don't really have any advice to give you.
I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you and I hope everything works out for you (whatever the outcome may be).
Cat xxx
MSNik
09-11-2008, 10:37 PM
Hi everybody. Thank you ALL for your words...just to clarify a few things. In the business world, paying for your PhD is a MUST- there is no other way. AND, there is absolutely NO WAY I can do this fulltime. I have to work if just to put food on my table- the loan that I would have to take is almost 50,000$ which over ten years of paying back will cost me close to 1000$ a month, which does worry me- espeically if MS makes it impossible to work full time.
That being said, my husband has a reason to be concerned...however, what he isnt admitting to, is we pay 2200$ a month for his children's child support and I put my paycheck into the "kitty" too. I do without most of the time to make ends meet, and to me- this is GOOD debt, not rediculous debt to incur. He says if I get this, he gets a new "truck" or "toy" which is rediculous. He considers a diploma artwork to hang on the wall- I consider it an investment for both of us.
Many of you suggested we go away together and rekindle our love..thank you for the nice thought but it is never going to happen. ON weekends, I have three kids here. One of which I wasted 12,000$ adopting two years ago and now she lives with her birth mother again. My husband's kids come on Friday and leave on Sunday and there is no possiblity of it NOT happening without applying to the judge for a week off- which he would never do. SO Im taking half your advice. Next weeeknd, Im going away by myself! Im heading to the city (NYC) to hang out alone. Ill probably see a show, definately get a facial and nails done- and stay in a cheap budget hotel. Its my paycheck, and Im blowing it on me this time. Not his kids, not the cable bill, not groceries. He is furious...but if I dont leave, I might lose my mind. He should be grateful that its only for 48 hours.
I cant remember why we fell in love right now. Honestly, racking my brain all I come up with is temporary insanity. No other reason. Based on that, maybe if I get away from the fighting and the insanity which is my responsbility to take care of his kids, I can return with a clear head....as for school- Ive reserached this for almost 2 years. I know what Im in for- I know why I want to do it, what I want out of it, and what it will cost me. I also know Im worth it. SO, if not before, Ill be registered for classes in january. And if he leaves me over it, then, well.....thats another post.
Love you guys. All of you, thank you. Tasia- thanks...Ive missed you. Cat- Im jealous of you!;)
xoxo
Nikki
That being said, my husband has a reason to be concerned...however, what he isnt admitting to, is we pay 2200$ a month for his children's child support and I put my paycheck into the "kitty" too. I do without most of the time to make ends meet, and to me- this is GOOD debt, not rediculous debt to incur. He says if I get this, he gets a new "truck" or "toy" which is rediculous. He considers a diploma artwork to hang on the wall- I consider it an investment for both of us.
Many of you suggested we go away together and rekindle our love..thank you for the nice thought but it is never going to happen. ON weekends, I have three kids here. One of which I wasted 12,000$ adopting two years ago and now she lives with her birth mother again. My husband's kids come on Friday and leave on Sunday and there is no possiblity of it NOT happening without applying to the judge for a week off- which he would never do. SO Im taking half your advice. Next weeeknd, Im going away by myself! Im heading to the city (NYC) to hang out alone. Ill probably see a show, definately get a facial and nails done- and stay in a cheap budget hotel. Its my paycheck, and Im blowing it on me this time. Not his kids, not the cable bill, not groceries. He is furious...but if I dont leave, I might lose my mind. He should be grateful that its only for 48 hours.
I cant remember why we fell in love right now. Honestly, racking my brain all I come up with is temporary insanity. No other reason. Based on that, maybe if I get away from the fighting and the insanity which is my responsbility to take care of his kids, I can return with a clear head....as for school- Ive reserached this for almost 2 years. I know what Im in for- I know why I want to do it, what I want out of it, and what it will cost me. I also know Im worth it. SO, if not before, Ill be registered for classes in january. And if he leaves me over it, then, well.....thats another post.
Love you guys. All of you, thank you. Tasia- thanks...Ive missed you. Cat- Im jealous of you!;)
xoxo
Nikki
Tasia W
09-11-2008, 11:42 PM
Nikki
Getting away sounds like an excellent idea and blowing your paycheck on yourself is an even more excellent idea! I wish that I could go to NYC and see a show with you.
I agree with you, going to school is not ridiculous debt, it is an investment into your future. Being told no by the one that you love is very degrading. When this happens to me I feel like I am just a passenger in the marriage,along for the ride except I get to pay ALL the bills in between. When I am told no...end of discussion I feel like I am being treated like a child that does not know any better. Like you I also help out with the child support and as you already know that it is my job that is keeping us afloat...barely lately. that's okay cause I knew what I was getting into when I said"I do". But it is not a nice feeling when everything seems one sided. I give my love, support and money to aIt is not a nice feeling If and I say we ever have a little extra to spare, my husband wants to spend it on what you call. Sorry Nikki just got interupted and have to get off the computer, I will talk to you more soon
:angel: Chin up
Hugs Tasia
Getting away sounds like an excellent idea and blowing your paycheck on yourself is an even more excellent idea! I wish that I could go to NYC and see a show with you.
I agree with you, going to school is not ridiculous debt, it is an investment into your future. Being told no by the one that you love is very degrading. When this happens to me I feel like I am just a passenger in the marriage,along for the ride except I get to pay ALL the bills in between. When I am told no...end of discussion I feel like I am being treated like a child that does not know any better. Like you I also help out with the child support and as you already know that it is my job that is keeping us afloat...barely lately. that's okay cause I knew what I was getting into when I said"I do". But it is not a nice feeling when everything seems one sided. I give my love, support and money to aIt is not a nice feeling If and I say we ever have a little extra to spare, my husband wants to spend it on what you call. Sorry Nikki just got interupted and have to get off the computer, I will talk to you more soon
:angel: Chin up
Hugs Tasia
Tasia W
09-12-2008, 12:37 AM
Hi Nikki
I don't know what I was trying to say in that last little part...I apologize for jumbling my words and for the life of me did not know what I so eloquently wanted to say?:(
But I do know too too well your cirumstances and so I think of you very often. Going away will clear your thoughts and help you make some decisions. It would just be nice to have your hubby's support. Going to school is huge. I didnot realize that a PHD was that expensive.
Tell you what, I am going to buy a lottery ticket tomorrow and if i win....I will let you know:)
Hope tomorrow is a better day all around
Take care and hugs
tasia
I don't know what I was trying to say in that last little part...I apologize for jumbling my words and for the life of me did not know what I so eloquently wanted to say?:(
But I do know too too well your cirumstances and so I think of you very often. Going away will clear your thoughts and help you make some decisions. It would just be nice to have your hubby's support. Going to school is huge. I didnot realize that a PHD was that expensive.
Tell you what, I am going to buy a lottery ticket tomorrow and if i win....I will let you know:)
Hope tomorrow is a better day all around
Take care and hugs
tasia
MSNik
09-12-2008, 08:37 PM
Tasia, THANK YOU. Thank you for just understanding. I apprecaite that more then anything. I know you really do "get it" and knowing Im not alone, does make a difference. And guess what? what you considered jumbled, made perfect sense to me!
kay, I also appreciate what you are saying; however there is much more to this then meets the eye. I cant do school fulltime- I have responsiblities that unless I really am certain that divorce is in my future- absolutely cannot consider the course of action which you mention. I did my MBA at Princeton University here in NJ. I did my undergrad at both Penn State and Capella University, both online, even though they are both actual state schools...and prior to that, did the community college route. All of this starting when I turned 33 years old! I have researched until im blue in the face- there is absolutely NOTHING avaialable unless I want to commit fulltime...and i cant, not now. Maybe later.
My latest course of thought is to really concentrate on finding a job in a University marketing Department, at least then, the pay is low, but the benefits include either a few free courses, or a major discount on tuition. My goal is to do this PhD one semester at a time...and the job I have now isnt going to support me anyway - if I have to find another job, it might as well be based on the perks.
Thank you
Nikki
kay, I also appreciate what you are saying; however there is much more to this then meets the eye. I cant do school fulltime- I have responsiblities that unless I really am certain that divorce is in my future- absolutely cannot consider the course of action which you mention. I did my MBA at Princeton University here in NJ. I did my undergrad at both Penn State and Capella University, both online, even though they are both actual state schools...and prior to that, did the community college route. All of this starting when I turned 33 years old! I have researched until im blue in the face- there is absolutely NOTHING avaialable unless I want to commit fulltime...and i cant, not now. Maybe later.
My latest course of thought is to really concentrate on finding a job in a University marketing Department, at least then, the pay is low, but the benefits include either a few free courses, or a major discount on tuition. My goal is to do this PhD one semester at a time...and the job I have now isnt going to support me anyway - if I have to find another job, it might as well be based on the perks.
Thank you
Nikki
HBMod07
09-14-2008, 05:40 PM
Please stick to health topics and support only. Discussing the cost of education is not a health topic.
Do not direct searches on other web sites.
Do not direct searches on other web sites.