Grumblefrog
09-11-2008, 07:24 AM
Hi
My mum has just been diagnosed with non-small cell squamous cell lung cancer - not too sure of the staging, but she has a tumour in both lungs, "suspicious spots" on the pleura, and lymph node involvement above the clavicle. She's been told that she is not suitable for chemo or curative radiotherapy, and can only have palliative radiotherapy. She is an incredibly frail 80 year old lady, has had MASSIVE weight loss (now weighs about 5.5stones/35kg/77lbs), is extremely breathless, is having pains down her arms, and has no appetite. She has, however, an indomitable spirit, is incredibly strong mentally.
She has only just started to realise that she won't get "better" from this. I have asked her to come and live with me so I can look after her, however I work full time and she is reluctant to come because she (a) wants to be in her own home where she is comfortable and (b) doesn't see the sense in being in someone else's house on her own until I get home from work. I cannot give up work as I have a massive mortgage to pay. So I am trying to pop up to her house (she lives 30 miles away) at least twice a week, do her shopping, and am in daily contact by phone.
I have a very "difficult" relationship with her - I am one of four sibs, and the only one who is speaking to her, as the other three have refused to speak to her for some time now - she can be very difficult and argumentative, and sometimes downright nasty. I have however realised that this is more important, I have to just put the past behind me and "be there" for her, and I am trying my hardest to get along with her, despite the constant jibes and attempts at arguments... I lost my dad 2 years ago (no issues there, he was lovely but a very "distant" father) and I could not stand the guilt if I were to prolong a rift whilst she is so ill.
I was wondering if anyone here could give me an estimate on prognosis. I realise she is not going to get better but I need to know what I am dealing with. Despite the difficulties and the years of fights etc we have had, I love her dearly and am desperately sad at the prospect of losing her...
Thanks all
T x
My mum has just been diagnosed with non-small cell squamous cell lung cancer - not too sure of the staging, but she has a tumour in both lungs, "suspicious spots" on the pleura, and lymph node involvement above the clavicle. She's been told that she is not suitable for chemo or curative radiotherapy, and can only have palliative radiotherapy. She is an incredibly frail 80 year old lady, has had MASSIVE weight loss (now weighs about 5.5stones/35kg/77lbs), is extremely breathless, is having pains down her arms, and has no appetite. She has, however, an indomitable spirit, is incredibly strong mentally.
She has only just started to realise that she won't get "better" from this. I have asked her to come and live with me so I can look after her, however I work full time and she is reluctant to come because she (a) wants to be in her own home where she is comfortable and (b) doesn't see the sense in being in someone else's house on her own until I get home from work. I cannot give up work as I have a massive mortgage to pay. So I am trying to pop up to her house (she lives 30 miles away) at least twice a week, do her shopping, and am in daily contact by phone.
I have a very "difficult" relationship with her - I am one of four sibs, and the only one who is speaking to her, as the other three have refused to speak to her for some time now - she can be very difficult and argumentative, and sometimes downright nasty. I have however realised that this is more important, I have to just put the past behind me and "be there" for her, and I am trying my hardest to get along with her, despite the constant jibes and attempts at arguments... I lost my dad 2 years ago (no issues there, he was lovely but a very "distant" father) and I could not stand the guilt if I were to prolong a rift whilst she is so ill.
I was wondering if anyone here could give me an estimate on prognosis. I realise she is not going to get better but I need to know what I am dealing with. Despite the difficulties and the years of fights etc we have had, I love her dearly and am desperately sad at the prospect of losing her...
Thanks all
T x
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mishymay3
09-11-2008, 10:30 PM
Hello. I can relate to your post somewhat and wanted to respond to you. My father passed away October 4, 2008 from non small cell lung cancer. He was only 55 years old. He was diagnosed with stage 3b in February and lasted until October.
I think it is sad that your siblings do not speak to your mom even though I do understand it. My parents were divorced, my father was remarried, and had 2 other children. He didn't really ever try to be a father to me. However, I still loved him and was there for those extremely difficult months with him as much as I could be. I would have never been able to forgive myself otherwise. You are doing the right thing. My younger brother never had a relationship with him either but chose to also be there for him. I think, even though my father never told us, he knew we forgave him. Whenever we left his side we told him we loved him and he told us back. It was healing for us all. It was never complete healing, but we forgave, and that was the start of the healing.
I pray for you and your family during this time. I also hope that your siblings will change their mind and be there with your mom.
Warmly,
Michelle
I think it is sad that your siblings do not speak to your mom even though I do understand it. My parents were divorced, my father was remarried, and had 2 other children. He didn't really ever try to be a father to me. However, I still loved him and was there for those extremely difficult months with him as much as I could be. I would have never been able to forgive myself otherwise. You are doing the right thing. My younger brother never had a relationship with him either but chose to also be there for him. I think, even though my father never told us, he knew we forgave him. Whenever we left his side we told him we loved him and he told us back. It was healing for us all. It was never complete healing, but we forgave, and that was the start of the healing.
I pray for you and your family during this time. I also hope that your siblings will change their mind and be there with your mom.
Warmly,
Michelle
Grumblefrog
09-12-2008, 04:44 AM
Michelle thank you ever so much for your kind words and understanding... my hubby took my mum to a review/trial consent meeting yesterday (I knew that this was going to be the one where she asked "how long?" and I just knew I would be in floods if I was there, so my hubby took her instead. He is like a son to her, is very kind and she was glad he was there - I know it sounds selfish that I couldn't be there, but I can't let her see me cry, I have to be strong for her and crying will frighten her) and it turns out she has stage 4 cancer, staging T2N2M1, which basically means medium size tumour, nodal involvement in near fields and mets detected distantly. However, aside from the breathlessness, loss of appetite and hoarseness, she feels quite well so I suppose to her it seems like a long way off so far...
I spoke to her last night and I can't believe how strong she is being, she was actually laughing about it on the phone! She knows she won't be cured, but the trial she is on lasts for 2 years so she has assumed that that is how long she has got - I am not going to disabuse her of that, long may the calmness that she feels continue!
I will be going up this weekend with my doggies (she adores animals, and loves one of my doggies in particular because she just wants to sit on her knee and be cuddled all the time), my son and my hubby with her shopping and we'll have a natter and hopefully a few giggles with her then.
Thanks ever so much for your kindness - I thought I was going to go mad, can you believe it, I work in one of the UK's leading cancer hospitals (unfortunately mum won't be referred here, she refuses as it is too far, referral will take too long and time is of the essence as regards the treatment) and yet nobody I talk to here really understands how I feel! I *knew* I would find someone on here who could help me.
Thanks for your prayers - bless you.
I'll keep you all informed.
Tracy x
I spoke to her last night and I can't believe how strong she is being, she was actually laughing about it on the phone! She knows she won't be cured, but the trial she is on lasts for 2 years so she has assumed that that is how long she has got - I am not going to disabuse her of that, long may the calmness that she feels continue!
I will be going up this weekend with my doggies (she adores animals, and loves one of my doggies in particular because she just wants to sit on her knee and be cuddled all the time), my son and my hubby with her shopping and we'll have a natter and hopefully a few giggles with her then.
Thanks ever so much for your kindness - I thought I was going to go mad, can you believe it, I work in one of the UK's leading cancer hospitals (unfortunately mum won't be referred here, she refuses as it is too far, referral will take too long and time is of the essence as regards the treatment) and yet nobody I talk to here really understands how I feel! I *knew* I would find someone on here who could help me.
Thanks for your prayers - bless you.
I'll keep you all informed.
Tracy x
Phyls daughter
09-14-2008, 10:59 AM
Hi Tracy, I think I'm another one who knows how you feel. Thankfully I had a wonderful loving relationship with my mum...but that's beside the point. Mum died on July 26th this year, she was 90 and had cancer...various forms including lung cancer ... for 28 years. For several months before the end, she couldn't eat much, breath properly and had very low energy, but she had a very fighting spirit and kept her sense of humour. Over the 28 years we've expected her to die sooooo many times, but she'd just bounce back. I don't think she ever believed she'd die, even right up to the end. She was in hospital for 12 1/2 weeks before she died a very painless and peaceful death. She basically starved because she couldn't keep any food down. She couldn't breath because so much of her lungs had been eaten away with the cancer. The week before she died she said to me.....I'm not going to die you know.....I said, of course you're not, what ever gave you that idea. You're going to get better and when you're strong enough you'll go home. She was still joking with me the day before she died. Apparently the last words she said to the nurse were.........I feel funny.......and she was gone. Unfortunately none of the family had time to get to her before she died, but the nurse was holding her hand. :-) No one expected her to go so quickly, even the doctors. When she went into hospital they told us she was terminal, but that they felt she had several weeks or perhaps a couple of months....it was a great shock even though we knew the end wasn't far away. May I suggest that you let your mum enjoy what time she has left....and I know it's hard, but be as loving as you can to her...which you said you were doing. Encourage the rest of the family to reconcile with her....once she's gone it will be too late. Arguements from the past will mean nothing once she's gone.
My dad is 98 and I've hated him most of my life, but it's amazing since mum went into hospital for the last time, I realised that not being friendly with him was not where I wanted to be. Can I say I really love him....mmmm, perhaps not...but I do care about him, and now mum has gone all the family...and none of us liked him much...are keeping a close and caring watch on him. Family fueds just don't matter when someone dies. Dad by the way is doing fine, cooking for himself, doing his own shopping, going on buses, he's doing the best he can. At 98 he doesn't have long to go anyway, but I'd really love to see him reach 100 now.
Hang in there....try to keep strong...xxxxxx hugs.... Anne
My dad is 98 and I've hated him most of my life, but it's amazing since mum went into hospital for the last time, I realised that not being friendly with him was not where I wanted to be. Can I say I really love him....mmmm, perhaps not...but I do care about him, and now mum has gone all the family...and none of us liked him much...are keeping a close and caring watch on him. Family fueds just don't matter when someone dies. Dad by the way is doing fine, cooking for himself, doing his own shopping, going on buses, he's doing the best he can. At 98 he doesn't have long to go anyway, but I'd really love to see him reach 100 now.
Hang in there....try to keep strong...xxxxxx hugs.... Anne
deannahart
09-14-2008, 06:55 PM
Hi
My mum has just been diagnosed with non-small cell squamous cell lung cancer - not too sure of the staging, but she has a tumour in both lungs, "suspicious spots" on the pleura, and lymph node involvement above the clavicle. She's been told that she is not suitable for chemo or curative radiotherapy, and can only have palliative radiotherapy. She is an incredibly frail 80 year old lady, has had MASSIVE weight loss (now weighs about 5.5stones/35kg/77lbs), is extremely breathless, is having pains down her arms, and has no appetite. She has, however, an indomitable spirit, is incredibly strong mentally.
She has only just started to realise that she won't get "better" from this. I have asked her to come and live with me so I can look after her, however I work full time and she is reluctant to come because she (a) wants to be in her own home where she is comfortable and (b) doesn't see the sense in being in someone else's house on her own until I get home from work. I cannot give up work as I have a massive mortgage to pay. So I am trying to pop up to her house (she lives 30 miles away) at least twice a week, do her shopping, and am in daily contact by phone.
I have a very "difficult" relationship with her - I am one of four sibs, and the only one who is speaking to her, as the other three have refused to speak to her for some time now - she can be very difficult and argumentative, and sometimes downright nasty. I have however realised that this is more important, I have to just put the past behind me and "be there" for her, and I am trying my hardest to get along with her, despite the constant jibes and attempts at arguments... I lost my dad 2 years ago (no issues there, he was lovely but a very "distant" father) and I could not stand the guilt if I were to prolong a rift whilst she is so ill.
I was wondering if anyone here could give me an estimate on prognosis. I realise she is not going to get better but I need to know what I am dealing with. Despite the difficulties and the years of fights etc we have had, I love her dearly and am desperately sad at the prospect of losing her...
Thanks all
T x
hi tracey, my mum was diagnosed with non-small cell squamous cell lung cancer March 2006 and had chemo & radiotherapy and god love her lasted till 11th nov 2006 age 59. My uncle had cancer the year before had no treatment and lasted 7 months. Its a hard journey to travel and my thoughts are with you, as i still cant get my head round not having my gorgus mum.
My prayers are with you xxx Take Care
My mum has just been diagnosed with non-small cell squamous cell lung cancer - not too sure of the staging, but she has a tumour in both lungs, "suspicious spots" on the pleura, and lymph node involvement above the clavicle. She's been told that she is not suitable for chemo or curative radiotherapy, and can only have palliative radiotherapy. She is an incredibly frail 80 year old lady, has had MASSIVE weight loss (now weighs about 5.5stones/35kg/77lbs), is extremely breathless, is having pains down her arms, and has no appetite. She has, however, an indomitable spirit, is incredibly strong mentally.
She has only just started to realise that she won't get "better" from this. I have asked her to come and live with me so I can look after her, however I work full time and she is reluctant to come because she (a) wants to be in her own home where she is comfortable and (b) doesn't see the sense in being in someone else's house on her own until I get home from work. I cannot give up work as I have a massive mortgage to pay. So I am trying to pop up to her house (she lives 30 miles away) at least twice a week, do her shopping, and am in daily contact by phone.
I have a very "difficult" relationship with her - I am one of four sibs, and the only one who is speaking to her, as the other three have refused to speak to her for some time now - she can be very difficult and argumentative, and sometimes downright nasty. I have however realised that this is more important, I have to just put the past behind me and "be there" for her, and I am trying my hardest to get along with her, despite the constant jibes and attempts at arguments... I lost my dad 2 years ago (no issues there, he was lovely but a very "distant" father) and I could not stand the guilt if I were to prolong a rift whilst she is so ill.
I was wondering if anyone here could give me an estimate on prognosis. I realise she is not going to get better but I need to know what I am dealing with. Despite the difficulties and the years of fights etc we have had, I love her dearly and am desperately sad at the prospect of losing her...
Thanks all
T x
hi tracey, my mum was diagnosed with non-small cell squamous cell lung cancer March 2006 and had chemo & radiotherapy and god love her lasted till 11th nov 2006 age 59. My uncle had cancer the year before had no treatment and lasted 7 months. Its a hard journey to travel and my thoughts are with you, as i still cant get my head round not having my gorgus mum.
My prayers are with you xxx Take Care
mishymay3
09-18-2008, 10:57 PM
Hi Tracy,
You're are so very welcome. When I first came on this site, I felt a sense of comfort when someone could actually understand and strangers responded so warmly.
I hope you enjoyed your time with your mum and she enjoyed the doggies:) Your mom sounds pretty inspirational, with her strength and sense of humor.
My father's one year anniversary of his passing is coming up on Oct. 4th. I think this was the fastest year of my life. It feels as if it just happened, as if, the funeral was a week ago. So many questions...hopefully, one day I'll have the answers.
My mother-in-law was diagnosed the same day my father died with small cell lung cancer. She is in remission right now but is physically exhausted which is nothing like she used to be.
Please keep us informed about you mum and how you are doing. Again, I hope your siblings open their hearts.
Michelle
You're are so very welcome. When I first came on this site, I felt a sense of comfort when someone could actually understand and strangers responded so warmly.
I hope you enjoyed your time with your mum and she enjoyed the doggies:) Your mom sounds pretty inspirational, with her strength and sense of humor.
My father's one year anniversary of his passing is coming up on Oct. 4th. I think this was the fastest year of my life. It feels as if it just happened, as if, the funeral was a week ago. So many questions...hopefully, one day I'll have the answers.
My mother-in-law was diagnosed the same day my father died with small cell lung cancer. She is in remission right now but is physically exhausted which is nothing like she used to be.
Please keep us informed about you mum and how you are doing. Again, I hope your siblings open their hearts.
Michelle
nicolaruth
02-21-2009, 06:45 AM
hi. my mum has cancer and i.m devestated. she was diagnosed last january with cancer of the womb. she had a hysterectomy and was told that they thought they'd got it all. However in November she started with pains in her chest/breast the pains got worse and worse and then last month (Jan) she was told that she has three tumours in her chest and they can't operate. She has just started chemo. I have asked if it's in her bones or her organs but she says all they said was that it was in her chest. what does this mean?? I worry that she knows and isn't saying because it's so bad but she says shell tell us but knows how emetional i get and cry at little things so this is a total bombshell for me. (i'm 42 years old)
i live 3 hours away from her and dad so can only visit about once a month but we talk on the phone. i have 2 sisters who are also closer to her geographically. I have always been really close to mum and am her mini me! I know we haven't been told that it's terminal but i just know i'm going to lose her.
How do i cope and carry on as normal when this is constantly in my mind especially at the moment when Jade Goody is in the news. I am going to work and everything seems so inconsequential (i work at a supermarket) all i want is to hold onto mum. i have started taking anti depressants in the hope that they will help a bit i know they won't change circumstances but maybe they'll take the edge off whilst we all get on with living.
hopefully it will have helped writing it down and being able to express how devestated i am. i know you understand. thank you.
i live 3 hours away from her and dad so can only visit about once a month but we talk on the phone. i have 2 sisters who are also closer to her geographically. I have always been really close to mum and am her mini me! I know we haven't been told that it's terminal but i just know i'm going to lose her.
How do i cope and carry on as normal when this is constantly in my mind especially at the moment when Jade Goody is in the news. I am going to work and everything seems so inconsequential (i work at a supermarket) all i want is to hold onto mum. i have started taking anti depressants in the hope that they will help a bit i know they won't change circumstances but maybe they'll take the edge off whilst we all get on with living.
hopefully it will have helped writing it down and being able to express how devestated i am. i know you understand. thank you.
Twingo30
03-02-2009, 11:22 PM
Hi nicolaruth, my mum was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer august 2008, she had 6 cycles of chemo, after the first three the cancer reduced dramatically which was fantastic but after the next three it had increased, mum is now refusing any treatment and to be honest im afraid to ask the dreaded question of life expectancy,(and like u i am very close to my mam and cant imagine life without her) but the thing thats keeping me going is my mam is a very positive and happy person and this doesnt seem to phase her at all ! she is 68, she speaks openly about death and is looking forward to seeing her parents and sister and family "on the other side" i have to keep it in my head that, when the time comes and she is ready to go, the only thing stopping her is the upset of seeing her family on this earth upset so i know i will have to reassure her that we will all be fine and its ok for her to go, this is killing me but i am finding some sort of calmness (if thats even the word) in the fact that this world is only a journey and we all will return home someday. When reading ur post it seems to me that the chemo could work very well with your mum so she probably has alot of life left in her yet, keep thinking positive though it does help, if u feel u want to know more, maybe you could suggest attending an appt with ur mam so you can ask questions too or if she is currently in hospital u could be at her bed when the doctors come round, i know its hard not having all the facts and not knowing whats happening. Try get a book called "Diving Through Clouds" by Nicola Lyndsey, its lovely and im sure you will find some comfort in it when the time comes for your mum, which i think is a long way away! Chin up, keeping smiling, stay away from the antidepressants they dont fix ur emotions that ur feeling, god bless x