maybecrazy
09-17-2008, 11:58 PM
At work yesterday we had a barbeque for ex patients - there was a lot of noise and loud voices and lots of people around - when I came on shift I was supposed to go in and say Hi to the ex patients - something I used to like to do before I was attacked on the ward - when I came in and heard all the noise and saw all the people I couldn't go in - I panicked and kept thinking if the guy that attacked me was in there I wouldnt be able to see where he was and got really panicky.
I know that this was stupid - he wouldnt have been asked to come to the BBQ - my rational mind knew this and I kept telling myself that - but I still couldnt go in the room - so I went and did other things until I had calmed down - which took a while :(
I still don't know if I should have pushed myself to go in? maybe I could have if I had really really tried but at the time I thought if I pushed myself to go in I would run out - it was like a barrier I could not cross - has anyone else had somthing like this happen? I feel like I failed a test. Another point for the guy that attacked me :mad: I hadnt thought about him for a while and don't want to again. MBC
I know that this was stupid - he wouldnt have been asked to come to the BBQ - my rational mind knew this and I kept telling myself that - but I still couldnt go in the room - so I went and did other things until I had calmed down - which took a while :(
I still don't know if I should have pushed myself to go in? maybe I could have if I had really really tried but at the time I thought if I pushed myself to go in I would run out - it was like a barrier I could not cross - has anyone else had somthing like this happen? I feel like I failed a test. Another point for the guy that attacked me :mad: I hadnt thought about him for a while and don't want to again. MBC
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cetiya
09-18-2008, 06:40 AM
if you had felt safe, you could have gone in and try to desensitize yourself to the situation, but if it really scared you that bad, its just as well you didnt go in, you would not have enjoyed yourself anyway. have you had therapy yet? i remember places that would scare me and back then you couldnt have forced me to go anywhere near them. dont push yourself until you're ready. you didnt fail anything. its human nature to avoid things that hurt or scare us. hang in there and if you need help, get it. the quicker you do, the faster you will heal. I'm still getting help and my trauma was 27 years ago.
maybecrazy
09-20-2008, 08:09 AM
thanks Cetiya,
You hit the nail right on the head - I didnt feel safe - I was on the verge of a panic attack and so I didnt go in - although I feel this was the right thing to do it still feels like a failure - I have been getting help until recently - I should be able to manage this on my own by now - I have de-sensitised myself to a lot of the places that scared me but this one never did - I guess it was just all the noise - I still feel wired today - ready to run - have listened to relaxation tapes but still feel edgy - guess that's just the way it goes - thanks for your support MBC
You hit the nail right on the head - I didnt feel safe - I was on the verge of a panic attack and so I didnt go in - although I feel this was the right thing to do it still feels like a failure - I have been getting help until recently - I should be able to manage this on my own by now - I have de-sensitised myself to a lot of the places that scared me but this one never did - I guess it was just all the noise - I still feel wired today - ready to run - have listened to relaxation tapes but still feel edgy - guess that's just the way it goes - thanks for your support MBC