Hey all! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/frown.gif
I just thought i would write this to inform you ladies of how lucky some of you are and how unfortunate others of us are.
Some of you have a child already or children and that's great for you but please don't be offended by this.
I was told at the age of 27 that i started menopause somewhere in my early 20's. The day i got that phone call was worse then any other day i have had in my life. This was one diagnosis i never thought i would get but after years of trying and spending money i knew something was just not right. Now i know that a special part of my life is gone. That's the wonderful feeling of bearing a child, being pregnant, morning sickness and everything else that goes along with it. There is no such thing as unexplained infertility. You just need to find the dr. who knows what he is doing. But sometimes it's better not to find out. If i could have just had one child I would be so so happy. Now i look at my life as empty and it always will be. I know most of you right now are thinking well there is adoption and yes your right there is. But for me it's nolonger and option. After my diagnosis I have tried killing myself over and over and turned into a self mutilator. I am just no longer stable to be a mom. So talk about pain in the heart.
The next time you start your period just look at the child you do have and thank god for him/her. You were given a gift that has been taken away from some of us. Also don't settle for just a quick answer from your doctor. Demand that he/she tests your levels and look deeper into your situation. To them it's about money and to us it's about love. Remember that!!!!
God bless our struggles http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/angel.gif

Oh just one more thing! Even though i have not had a period for a while I have still had 2 laparoscopys done. What i can't seem to understand is why do i have such severe endometriosis when i am no longer having cycles. Now due to the endometriosis I am being forced to have a hysterectomy so my other organs (colon) can be saved. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/frown.gif

Penny. Your post was sad and disturbing to say the least. I don't know what to say but I'm going to give it a shot.
I'm horrified to know that you have tried to take your own life due to your infertility. I wish that there was some help you could receive to help you through this. NOTHING, and I do repeat NOTHING, is worth taking your life or hurting yourself. You hurt so many people around you that care for you and want to see you happy. Please, try to get yourself some help.
I am NOT trying to sugar-coat your situation. I acknowledge that you are hurting and I understand your upset. I have had 3 VERY close friends of mine that had a hysterectomy before the age of 30. One of them had Endometriosis so bad that it wrapped around her organs and screwed up her bladder. She has also been on an emotional rollercoaster. I don't know why the Endo continues to be that bad, even when you don't get you AF. I too suffer from ENDO and went for several months without getting AF. I thought it was due to being on the pill. Endo is so misunderstood and the symptoms can be different for everyone.

I agree, adoption is not the answer for you right now. You need to think of yourself and get yourself better. You are important enough to continue to live in this world. God does have a purpose for you and whatever his reasons, there is a reason. You have a right to be angry and sad and mad....but don't take it out on yourself. You are dealing with a lot right now.

Please, don't be offended by anything I've said. I don't mean to belittle your situation. I have great sadness for you and your situation. I wish you the best and hope that you find the goodness within yourself to keep on living. Jodie

I agree with Jodie, nothing is worth taking your life over. Not even the inability to bear children.

I would also like to say that just because some of us have children, does not mean that the heartache is any less that we cannot have another one. I cherish both of my children (1 step and 1 natural) and I thank God for giving me them every day. But I also have a deep sarrow that will never go away (regardless if I had had 10 children) for the two babies that I have lost.

I agree, I will never know what it feels like to not have a child at all, but I do know how it feels to want anther one so badly and to not be able to.

Amy

Penny, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. You obviously are suffering from depression and if you haven't already, I urge you to seek help from a professional. I know that sometimes it seems as if life isn't worth living without children, but it is. You're a worthwhile and special person. Focus on yourself right now and working through your feelings. You WILL come out of this all right and it will be okay. I'm here if you need me.

Maybe a more realistic reality check is this: Happy, good, fulfilling lives are out there for the taking. I look around me and I have friends who are childless, some by choice, some not. I have friends who have full houses with biological kids, or adopted kids. I see people who have all managed to create lives which are fulfilling and meaningful to them. Not having a child doesn't make a life empty. One of my dearest great aunts--a woman who was like a mother to my dad and his brother and to her grand-nieces and nephews--never had children of her own. But her life was a long, full, rich one, filled with love. Love she gave and love she got in return. She made a joy-filled mark on this earth. I really believe that a good life is within reach of every single person, regardless of his or her fertility status. There are lots of ways to have a good life. That's my reality check for today!

Dear Penny..I am going to tell you a story it may help you it may not. I cant say I know myself how you feel but I have been touched by something similar. I have 3 wonderful daughters 21 18 and 12. My oldest daughter is the light of my life..loving and kind,,,helpful and always helped with the younger 2 girls and she is my bestfriend. She was the only one there for me when I suffered a miscarriage that left me unable to bear anymore children. At the age of 17 she hadnt got her first period yet in fact my 18 year old back then 11 had just started hers. We knew some girls started later in life so we didnt worry about it untill she was 17. I took her to the doctor for a physical and a pelvic ultrasound not thinking anything of it when the doc called and asked to see us. It was the day our lives were shattered just as you remember "the call" we will always remember "the visit" She was dx with Mulerian Aplasia. She has no uterus or cervix and to make it worse she only had one inch of what should have been a 4 to 7 inch vaginal canal. She was devistated. Here was a beautiful young girl who always talked about having kids and being a good mom and in the matter of a day she wont even in her lifetime get a period or carry a child or feel labor or back then even have sex!! She went through months of dialation therapy at sick kids hospital in toronto and she can now function as a normal woman sexually. This disorder is so rare our OBGYN has only seen one case other than her in over 20 years. I am in NO way trying to make your situation sound not as bad I am just saying that there is a way to deal with it and get past it and become better emotionally. We have found out they here in canada have passed a bill covering invitro for girls like my daughter (she has ovaries just nothing else) Her sister will be a suragate when she is ready. This still haunts her because at 21 what do you tell a guy you get into a serious relationship with that will want kids in the future and when do you tell him? She has been with her bf now for a year and she told him after 3 months. You mentioned a hysterectomy are you leaving your ovaries in? As long as you have ovaries you can have a child or have some eggs frozen because I know they will have the funding soon for women that are either born infertile or became that way due to illnesses like cancer etc. It tears me up inside for you and for my daughter. My youngest daughter is 12 and she hasnt started her period yet the chances of her being like my oldest daughter are slim say the docs but I am so afraid. There is nothing worse than feeling helpless when someone you love is suffering. If you even need an ear feel free to write and you will get a reply. God bless you.
Autumn.

AutumnAngel...your words have brought me to tears. Both for the sadness in the heart of you for your daughter, her own ordeal in dealing with this, and for the HUGE heart of your other daughter in her willingness to carry a child for her sister. I can only say thank you for sharing your story and reminding me just how good so many people really are!

Autumn Angel.....i am truly moved with your story.It is nice to hear that your eldest daughter has overcome the hurdle of her life,and your second daughter is amazing!!!!!!
May god shower all his blessings on you and your 3wonderful daughters.

Thank you both for your kind words. But I really think she is dealing with this better than I am. I lost my last baby in december 97 as a result I had to have an endometrial ablasion just a month before she was diagnosed therefore I could not carry for her myself which put alot of guilt on me not only because I couldnt carry for her but because I thought and part of me still does that I was responsible for her condition. That something in my genes did this to her. I have read everything I could get my hands on about this rare disorder and it could not be prevented both parents are to carry the ressesive gene this is the only time I have been thankful that my girls have different dads so my 18 year old made it fine. But my 12 yr old is still in question though the docs say they are sure she will be fine. God bless you all TTC here I hope you all end up with healthy babys.
Autumn.

AutumnAngle,

Your story is very moving. What a wonderful trio of daughters you are blessed to have. I only hope one day I will be so lucky.

Pennyb- You are right, I do not know the pain of never being able to have a child. I have a six year old son. But, I do know the pain and heartache and months and months of knowing that I will NEVER again have a child naturally. I thank God everyday for my son. I have a good friend who can not conceive and has no children and one day she came to me and said she will never know what it is like to be preg, but she said maybe it is better to not know what she is missing than to have been preg and know that never in your life will you experience that again.

I am definately not telling you that the ones who have a child or children hurt anymore, but I know that I hurt more than I have ever hurt before. Also my son hurts. he knows that we are trying and asks me all the time when he is going to be a big brother, that hurts. But he is so little and does not understand.

Just a little food for thought

In prayer,
Heather