Hello Everyone! I'm another BFN in the TTC department! I have been reading the posts and it saddens me to see all my "friends" in the same boat I'm in. JODY C., AMS, TAZINK and so many others....I'm so sorry. My heart just breaks that NONE of us were able to get pg!!

Its hard to remain positive and optimistic that things will work out. I don't understand what God's master plan is. I'm sure he's been busy listening to all of our thoughts and prayers over the last few weeks! I know that he hears us and I hope that a dream will come true for us.

I am trying to keep my chin up. But the recent BFN's that I continue to read really is hard to handle. I don't know how some of you can continue. It reinforces the fact that I'm afraid another month won't matter for me. As Amy mentioned, it is hard on our bodies and difficult emotionally to continue. I don't know what the future holds or how I will handle the next few weeks. I just wanted to vent and allow the rest of you the opportunity to do the same.

This isn't a pitty party. It's just a group of gals experiencing the same frustrating, mad, sad, emotions that go along with TTC and the BFN!!! Sometimes, listening and talking just makes things easier to cope with. Knowing that I'm not alone is the only comfort I have at this point.

Good luck to each of you. Jodie

I think this is the perfect post. We are all going to need somewhere to vent, a shoulder to cry on, and gal pals that can relate to what we are going through. NO ONE else knows how we feel right now except for eachother and other people who have gone through the exact same thing.

One thing I have to disagree with http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif I am on a pitty party right now! I want to know why me? What any of us? I think it is unfair and there is nothing that is an ioda fair about it. My attitude will change in the next coupe of days I am sure, but for today - I FEEL SORRY FOR ME and for everyone else that got bad news this month and especially the last couple days.

AF still has not come - I am a little nervous about what is going on with my body. I think it is having a bigger melt down than me http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/frown.gif

I hope we can all keep in touch regardless of our outcomes and decisions to or not to continue.

Amy

I don't think there's anything wrong with having a pity party for a day or two. It's when you can't stop feeling sorry for yourself that's a problem. It's human nature to miss what might have been and a good thing to get your emotions out in the open. I learned the hard way that bottling things inside you doesn't make them go away, it just makes your ultimate blow-out (and sooner or later you WILL lose it) that much worse!

I am so grateful to have found others in my situation. Most of my friends are still single or don't want to have children, so they don't understand what I'm going through. Though I must say that I'm more sad this month than I have been before because I feel sad for all of you. I was hoping someone would have good news and it would give me some more hope.

I spent the drive home from work thinking about something my mother told me a long time ago: "God never gives us anything that we aren't capable of handling." I just need to learn to "let it go" a little more and trust that He knows what he's doing.....

Take care, ladies

I had a major pity party for myself yesterday. I left work at 2:00, and didn't go in today. And, I cried all day yesterday, to my mom, my husband, the insurance company, and my RE. I think it helped, because I feel better today. I actually think that if I have to wait 10 months to start trying again, I will be OK with that. I am lucky that I am only 31, so I can wait until I am 32. Maybe God wants to give me twins, and figures I can't handle it right now, who knows. Or maybe I will concieve naturally in the next 10 months (?) and save a bunch of money that I would have spent on meds and IUI. Anyway, I know you will feel better in a few days, Amy. And Jodie, you are so strong, you don't give yourself enough credit. Anne - you are the rock that has kept me going through all of this. And Dknees, thank you for all of your kind words and support. I think your mom is right on.

Thanks to all of you for your support the last month. Yes, lets keep in touch. If I'm not trying in the next 10 months, I probably wont post as much, but I'll be watching and praying http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif And, I will keep updating as I fight my company to switch insurance companies this year.

[This message has been edited by JodyC (edited 02-28-2003).]

I know we are all strong. Jody, thank you for your nice comment. It's just that times like this have a tendancy to bring all of us down. I agree with one of the posts above, I have been double sad this month because I was soooooo hoping that one of us would have a positive outcome. It's frustrating enough for myself. But talking to each of you gave me the strength to get through another month and the fact that none of us are pg is a reality check that life isn't going to hand us anything. I'm full of questions WHY this isn't working for me. I agree that "God doesn't give us more than we can handle". I also believe that there is a reason for everything. I just haven't figured out what my reasons are.

I don't know what my future holds. I have a bad feeling about my physical ability to get pg and maintain the pg full term. I have Endo and have experienced some "silent" clues that lead me to believe getting pg may be a risk. I haven't shared my feelings w/DH yet. Its something I have only thought about in the last few days. Ultimately, this is my decision and I have to do what's best for me.

Does anyone have a crystal ball I could borrow? Because if I could just take a peek at my future, my decision would be much easier to make.

Good luck to all of you! May you overcome your stuggles and regain your innner strength! Jodie

Well I am feeling a little better tonight - Jodie is my rock - talking to her always helps http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif Thanks to all of you though - you are all great and have been there for me every day this entire month. You all give me hope and strength.

I will definately keep in touch and be here for you guys. Jody - we will be doing the natural thing too. But I won't have all the doctor's appt.s and all the stress that goes a long with it. If it happens, it happens. We will just have fun trying http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

I have decided to get rid of all my baby clothes and maternity clothes though! I know in my heart that I will never be pg again.

Here is what I don't get - why isn't AF here yet? I go to the doc on Tuesday to get some of my ?'s answered.

Well thanks again to all of you and I wish you all the best. Baby dust and prayers to every single one of you. I can't believe that not a single one of us got pg - what are the odds that not even 1 would get the answer to their dreams/prayers?

Amy

I am so sorry ladies to hear this news , but believe me every thing will come on its time , just KEEP praying and DON`T ever give up and it will happen , but this is test from GOD to see how patience we are , and may be if we pray that hard we will going to have a genoius baby so just put in ur mind that GOD will always want the good for us ,

as for me i tried 2 IUI`s but this time i`ll try the injection with natural intercourse to save some money

All of u in my prayers

really i love to be with u here so that we can support each other and give each other alot of HOPES,HOPES,HOPES

takecare http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

[This message has been edited by smsm (edited 02-28-2003).]

HI sm........
Yea you would think one of us would be preg..this month..............
I sit here too and get mad at God......wondering isn't he listening to my prayers? I basically lost my parents before I turned 30. (my dad died when I was 23 from cancer, my mom died a few months before I turned 30) and thought..wow,,,,,I kind of feel like an orphan now........since my mom had died..I thought wow I cant wait to have children so I can carry on a family too,
I have a wonderful husband and great inlaws..been told Id make an excellent mom from many people(which makes me feel great)..and that im good with kids..etc...then we come to a brick wall with trying to have a child. I question God then........and wonder......why me? I am also doing the pity party thing......but hey.......we have to vent don't we. We cannot bottle our emotions up inside and hide it. Letting it all out is a good thing. It is a release for me that I need to do.
Jodie thank u for ur kind words also.and eveyrone else here...............................Have a good day everyone........We are going on a long ride to just get away today..................out to New Hampshire. We live in Mass. Take care all!!!!

Hey gals! Great to hear from you all! We are also taking a long ride today! Its going to be nice just to get away!
Ams, when I read your post, I felt just terrible. You know, it makes me remember that SOMETIMES, AS SORRY AS I FEEL FOR MYSELF, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE THAT IS DEALING WITH MORE. I can't believe all the loses you have had to deal with. Reading that makes me think that I'd be willing to have a baby for you! I don't blame you for feeling angry. I know that God hears you and I'm sure your prayers will be answered one day. I'll say an extra one for you too. Although, I don't think I'm doing so well as I say SEVERAL prayers for Taz and her situation doesn't seem to be very promising either!

Take care gals! And for anyone else reading this, Please, feel free to join our pitty party!! It feels great to let it all out with a bunch of gals that aren't judging you! We are all for one and one for all!!

Jodie http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/heart.gif

Hi friends,
I really feel sorry for everyone spl. thoses who were expecting a positive result. It is really very disappointing but there is nothing much we can do other than some words of comfort. Each one of u are in my prayers .
ams37.....Losing ones parents at such an early age is very heart rending but you are fortunate to have wonderful in-laws and hubby.By the way even i am from Mass!!!!!
Have a wonderful weekend.

Jodie - you were asking about a crystal ball? You all are going to think I'm nutso, but when I was in college, my sister, mom and I, along with my cousin and aunt all went to this psychic lady. My mom and aunt had been to her a couple of times before, and found that what she had said before had come true. So, we all went with an open mind and the lady told my mom that her oldest daughter (me) would someday have twins! (She didn't know we were all family because we didn't give names and there is NO family resemblance with mom and I) I have never gone back to a psychic, but it was a fun little outing on a rainy day......

Hello everyone - today is a little better than yesterday. I think I am over my pitty party for the most part. AF still hasn't come - I don't know what is wrong with me. I swear to God ssometimes I feel like having everything down there taken out and the hole sewn shut!

Ams37 I am very sorry to hear of your losses. When I daughter was born there were 5 generations on both my mom's and my dad's side. Then within a year and a half I lost my great grandma and grandma on my Dad's side and right before Christmas this year I lost my grandpa on my mom's side. I couldn't imagine losing one of my parents. That must have been so hard on you. I hope God will give you the chance to be the mother that you want to so badly be.

I get angry with God sometimes too. I want to know why me. Why any of us. Not only why can't I have a baby but why have I lost two? Why do I have so many problems with the womanly organs?

Well I will keep in touch. I am anxious for my appointment on Tuesday so I can find out what the he** is wrong.

I will keep you updated after my appt.

amy

I am very new to this message board, but I've been around a long time when it comes to TTC. I have a 4yo daughter (my id and my miracle). I am writing because I have been reading the posts over the past 2 months, not replying/writing but just reading and praying for all of you. If I can tell you my story and give you a couple of other "stories of hope" maybe it would spark a little fire of hope for you guys, and make your weekend a little brighter.

I work in medicine and had mild endo 6 years ago. I wasn't TTC but knew the signs/symptoms of endo very well. I had surgery and got the all clear to try naturally. Didn't work x 3 months so because I work in the business, I saw an RE pretty quickly. Clomid for 2 months then 1 month with IUI - nothing. Christmas time, clinic says "we don't do procedures over the holidays". Took clomid with BD but NO HOPE of a baby, drank champagne, enjoyed time with the family, BAM - preganant. Miracle for me. (sorry long story that gets longer)

One year later, 1yo DD, no BC and trying without getting PG. At that time, my DH was not so darling. We went as close to divorce as you can get, we had just moved away from all my family, my dad found out he had cancer, ALL the big stresses life can throw at ya minus death in the family. We were TTC all through this and had insurance to cover EVERYTHING, even IVF with a 10$ copay. However we decided to take 2 years off to reconstruct a marriage which was the best thing we could've done. Best friends now and what I think is the best marriage of anyone I know. But after a year and 1/2 of clomid/IUI then on to injectables with IUI and another endo. surgery (still only mild again), I was told IVF or no baby. Hmmmm. How did I get PG the first time?

Well, I think there is a plan and that it is so hard to see it and trust that there really is one. I also think stress is underestimated in how much it effects our bodies. Now we are set up to do IVF but guess what? No insurance coverage at all, due to job change. I decided to take a few months to "get ready", massage, accupuncture with herbs and time to just mentally prepare. I feel more balanced now and force myself to think less about another baby and the miracle I have in my daughter and my husband. I have more to tell but want to know if you are tired of my rambling....(smile)

O.k. ---- don't leave us hanging as Paul HArvey would say "and for the rest of the story"....

BTW AF came today. THat makes me feel better(I know that sounds crazy) but until it finally came I kept wondering in the back of my mind if the docs could have screwed up the blood test and that I was actually pg. Now I know for sure that I am not and that is easier than not knowing.

Here is the bad news - I fell today and I think I may have fractured a rib or two. I knocked the wind right out of myself and my sternum and ribs are extremely sore - here is the real catch.....I was taking the garbage to the dumb (which DH is supposed to do but has been slacking) so I load it all - head to the dump - tip the garbage can up adn it falls in the big dumpster - so I climb up on the side of it and my foot slips and I slam down on the edge right below my bb's. It almost knocked me kick'n cold. DH doesn't even feel guilty I don't think. It also messed my back up - the good news is that the pain is so bad that it keeps my mind of any menstrual cramps I may otherwise be experiencing.

I looked at alot of information about adoption on the net today - I found a lot of financial resources, i.e., grants that I never knew existed. That may now be an option for us.

Amy

Here's the other stories. My cousin who two years ago had been trying for 3 1/2 years no PG, then sees an RE who of course started with 6 rounds of clomid then went on to injectables for several months (i think 4-5 of thoses cycles)the last month she went in had maybe 2 follicles (not good on her dose)and also found out she had other problems (thyroid i think). She told me then, "I can't afford anymore, I can't handle the 14 days of hope, 14 days of h***, we are going to adopt". She found out 3 weeks later she was PG....
Incidentally she is still paying the debt of the fert. treatment for her now 1yo daughter and is suprisingly PG again!

Another friend from college did 3 IVF's without success. Got all the adoption papers ready, adopted a beautiful baby boy and guess what, pg! It's like she has twins now!

Neighbor, trying for 1 1/2 years has PCOS and told ovarian reserve now getting low (beginning of menop basically) getting ready to go from clomid/IUI doing NOTHING to inj/IUI and decides to take a month off. Goes in to start the cycle - has four eggs on HER OWN. Decides to do it naturally thinking she still needs to keep stress level low - not get so involved and start off next month with more aggressive tx - PG now 6wks.

I just think of these people and see miracles happening here and I know what disappointment is like, I deal with it every 28 days. Oh yeah, got I got pg in december --chemical pg it's called HCG rises then you get to watch it drop drop drop. All those shots, all those USs all that stress all the money, all your hope. I decided I was not going to do IVF until I was ready mentally and I think that is a huge part of reproduction (low stress, centering attention on something else, finding a release etc...) Just my thoughts.

Sure glad I found you all. Should I change my name to rambler?

I have more! I am a talker (in this case typer) and it is hard to talk to other people not dealing with this sort of thing. All my other friends (not the ones in the stories) can think about getting pg and it happens for them. Wow, what would it be like to PICK the month you want to have a baby and get pg the corresponding month, or plan to have a baby so it can go to school a certain year...blahblahblah so lucky. Then I watch my sis-n-law gripe about her kids and how she needs a break. She has two great kids and can have a dozen more as easily as snapping her fingers. If I dwell, I would lose my sanity, my hope what blessings I DO have. Sooooo.....in all of this, I just wanted to say keep your hope/happiness. ramble,ramble,ramble...

Kate! Hey, thanks so much for finding this board and sharing your experiences with us! I love ramblers! I'm a typer too!!! Anyway, welcome and we would love to hear from you anytime!
You definately have given me a lot to think about and your knowlege (aside from your personal experience) is great for all of us. If I can ask, what are some of the early symptoms you experienced with Endo? I also have been dealing with Endo (my doc never told me what stage). I had surgery April 2002 and then put on LUPRON for several months. Had to quit because it made me goofy! Anyway, My doc told me that he didn't have a "timeline" for getting pg. He did say that Endo does come back and that he really didn't give me much hope past March of this year. Well, it's March and I'm still not pg. Anyway, I'm having a few odd symptoms that I don't consider normal and wonder if it's the Endo again. I'm also curious that if I do get pg, will the Endo cause me to m/c again? I m/c at 15 weeks in Jan 02. Just curious if you can share your experience with me.

Tazink!!!! What happened to you girl!! I leave you alone for ONE DAY, and you go jump into a garbage dumpster!!! OMG! I can't believe you did that! This is your weekend to relax! You better tell that DH that he's in the doghouse with all us TTC gals! He should feel terrible!
I'm glad your AF came today. That's at least a natural process that should happen. It doesn't make it easier knowing your not pg--no more hope this month. But I'm glad that your able to deal with things KNOWING you finally have your AF. I was getting worried about you.

Oh, one more thing (see, I'm rambling), I do believe in fortune tellers to some extent. I hope you get twins out of the deal! I wish we had one around here, I would check it out for fun. We need to find one on the message boards!!!

Keep in touch gals! Great to hear from everyone!
Jodie http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/heart.gif

Jodie, symptoms are usually a lot of pain around and during your MP (AF for computer lingo) and pain during IC (i think BD?!?) Since endo is normal uterine tissue (the endometrium) growing outside the uterus you wouldn't think this growing in the uterus would be a problem. But, I suppose it's worthy of checking with your gyn. Also, another whole problem with endo. is the inflammatory component. The uterus could even be affected. That's what they tell me, "you have an inflammatory environment" I WOULD LOVE TO SAY "IF YOU CAN'T MAKE IVF WORK, I'LL SHOW YOU INFLAMMATORY ENVIRON." Hee hee hee. Once you get pg, you know it puts the whole endo business in remission. Pg is a blessing in soooo many ways, huh? No blood, no endo. flaring. You know, off the record and not in any of my medical books are some "other" endo. recommendations. My accupuncturist demands I drink nothing cold, no tampons whatsoever (lovely) and noooooooo BD during AF. (Not a good thought in my book anyway). I will say the reason I had endo. surgery #2 was because I hit my "5 year" mark. If you have sxs before that, then you should have it done, at least talk with doc about. Or in my case, no sxs but 5 years went by and there endo. was again. Talk to ya docta!!!

Amy ... you are hilarious. Did you survive the dumpster? It's great hearing about all of you and the how all of us have faith and the strength and even a sense of humor when things don't seem all that funny!!
Tracy

Welcome to the board, Kate..!! glad to have you here!
Jodie thank u for your kind words.........and rbis,,,,,,,,,,thank u also.......This is a great place to come to............and talk about all our fears,worries,ups and downs.........you are all a great bunch..
Taz........u really crack me up with your stories!.I hope u are ok though!I broke 3 toes once doing a cartwheel in my house HAHAH...........

I survived the dumpster - but I was really sore for a few days. Today is the best day so far.

Last night I had horrible pain on both ovaries - Almost like a constant throbbing pain. I took 3 IB profen's and went to bed. I woke up feeling fine. I am going to talk to the doc about it today at my appt.

I am still adement about being done with the fertility treatments adn we are now looking at our option of adoption.

Best of luck to all of you,
Amy