pucca_chick
10-13-2008, 07:17 PM
so, finally i decided to get tested for add, it has been suggested by several people to me before. however, i also have sufered with depression since i was 15(now 20) and anxiety from as long as i can remember.i was also sexually molested at 8 until i was 11. so, that has always been the biggest factor for the doctor, and my other problems have been ignored. i did not respond to any treatment however for depression, and have been on a whirlwind of harming, smoking, some drugs and over drinking. i dont ever seem to leran from my mistakes.
right now, im trying to be organised, its my biggest problem and ive always argued that if could just be organised or have a bit of clarity id do better with everything else, inclusing my counselling that i am forvere not doing the tasks set for me. these problems are effecting my college life, work life and general lifestyle including relationships.
at school i was extremley quiet and didnt speak much, i was shy and didnt make mahy freinds at all. i was always in trouble for 'lokking out the window' as they called i, the exact words were sent home to my parents on my report card. i was in at lunctimes finishing off work most days. but the thing is i wasnt being bad, on the contrary i was very quiet and very very anxious of doing something wrong, it wasnt unusal for me to run out to my moms car in hysterics because id got in trouble for being behind or not understanding. my early school life was a nightmare, it was 7 long years of being screamed at, having books thrown at me and told i was stupid, sent off to extra classes, spending lunctimes in detention trying to understand and figure out ior finish stuff, my parenmts were in and out of the school and tried working with my teachers, no one ever expected me to get anywhere and at the time i really was going no where. at home i was a nightmare, i was rather aggressive, id scream and kick things, throw large objects, kick and hit my parents and stamp my feet on the floor, jumping up and down screaming, doing homework was an all evening task, and it meant screaming rows with my parents as they tried to get me to do the work, or listen or i kept saying i understood because if get in trouble when i didnt undertstand, i couldnt follow anything, especially maths or seuqneces, that or id forget to bring my homework home wioth me. in school i had one freind, i ended up being bullied badly because they said i was stupid. by 7 i was having full blown panic attacks and had a whole array of tics-which everyone thought was an act.
i left my junior school with zero confidence, by this stage id already been molested but thanks to my age was absolutley none the wiser to any of it, the effects of this did not hit me until my late teens. in my new school it was a while before i could look at anyone in the face and i spent most of my time a mute with my head facing the floor. my teachers were amazing though, for once i wasnt the stupid child as there were a lot of disadvantaged and troubled kids there due to the area i was in, so there were a lot that had the same problems. i still had a lot of problems and was staying after class with teachers or in trouble the odd time for not taking down homeworks. also, in this school no one did their homework and got away with it, so i rarley had any to do.
for a breif period it seemed as though things were looking up, i was able to pick subjects i enjoyed all of a sudden, i taught myself new ways of studying with bright colours, maps and diagrams, i managed to to do quite well despite it almost killed me. depression kicked in and i got worse and worse. by this stage i had a severe chip in my shoulder about ever failing anything again, i resorted then to cutting and burning to punish myself for what i couldnt do and force myself to sit down and study.
for my entrance exams into college i ended up repeating every single one in order to get in, and my offer was still conditional. i managed to get in by the skin of my teeth.
im now 20, i have noticed that the small problems that at home was taken care of and subtle have blown up into huge issues. at home i was messy, in my later teens i was still very snappy, i could be lovely and then just snap, among my many psychos, i have broken through the bathroom door, kicked off the skirting boards and trashed the bins(because i was going to fail art), punched my brother and ran after my own mom screaming. at 16 i was sat at the dinner table one night banging the kife and fork because i was so angry. but when i get angry i get so overwhlemed and start to cry, i just feel sooo frustrated.
i have moved out, and with college there are little rules, i dont have to be in class, it requires much more organisation and i am absolutley drowning, im repeating a year again, i have deferred most exams i was ever supposed to take also. my day is chaotic, im constanlty worried im forgetting something yet i am thee worlds biggest procrastinator. my room is a tip, as in i have to climb around the door to get in and out, i can barley walk on the floor, dishes lie for weeks. it is not because im depressed which is what it has been put down to at times(during certain periods i didnt care but other times i just cant keep tidy), i lose everything, forget to contact people, miss classes and i have extreme problems keeping up. my classes are 2 hours long and i find it completley impossible.i arrive behind and then look stupid infront of others because i know nothing or cant remember, interpreting what people say and following an argument is difficult too and i wont contribute in class discussions because of it. i do a constant stream of dozy things, ive posted a letter to an outside bin once, walked away from a cash machine without my cash, the other week i walked into the wrong house and into a girls bedroom were she was standing looking totally freaked out in her pj's.
i have noticed in sports also, im incapable of following a sequence or instruction, it needs to be repeated and spelled out, often im still doing one thing while the others have moved onto something else.
in work im so dozy, i have problems with social situations at times also, i am easily overwhelmed and i find ill eaither say nothing or talk without a breath and not hold back at all. im always after smoke breaks and if i get bored i get very depressed and tearful and think of harming to just stumulate myself. i miss the obvious constantly and have taken in quite a collection of fake cash due to not paying attention also.
i always feel i can never catch up, no matter how hard i try everyone just thinks im flaky, i have learnt now with freinds and family to give off the impression i dont care, im very sarcastic and everyone thinks im so laid back or lazy,that im not bothered that i fail and forget things, but im not, i care deeply and am easily upset with when i fail or just simple things like when i miss out dishes or forget to do something. everyone else can remember what happens in class, to me its just fuzz.
on friday i have an assessment, im very nervous, im not telling anyone im going, i am worried ill just seem lazy or stupid also i dont think anyone would beleive me, theyd just see this as the ultimate excuse. yet, i have had a lot of bad stuff happen that i could easily use as an excuse for every aspect of my life, i could sit on my ass all day on a disability and refuse to move because of my problems, but i dont, i have only told one freind outside docs etc and i never mention my problems nor would i use them as an excuse. i dont know if i have ADD yet if i do itll be bittersweet i suppose. i mean id be upset and therd be a slight dispairing element to it, but also releif and a chance to learnt to manage and i would be very excited to see if a diagnosis/treatment could help me reach my potential. if not, then im stuck and i must just be stupid. im very nervous, i tursy the psychologist to be fair and good, i just dont know what they ask-it lasts 3 hours. can anyone help explainto me what happens in the assessment please?? i dont know wha else to do and am frustrated.
thanks.
right now, im trying to be organised, its my biggest problem and ive always argued that if could just be organised or have a bit of clarity id do better with everything else, inclusing my counselling that i am forvere not doing the tasks set for me. these problems are effecting my college life, work life and general lifestyle including relationships.
at school i was extremley quiet and didnt speak much, i was shy and didnt make mahy freinds at all. i was always in trouble for 'lokking out the window' as they called i, the exact words were sent home to my parents on my report card. i was in at lunctimes finishing off work most days. but the thing is i wasnt being bad, on the contrary i was very quiet and very very anxious of doing something wrong, it wasnt unusal for me to run out to my moms car in hysterics because id got in trouble for being behind or not understanding. my early school life was a nightmare, it was 7 long years of being screamed at, having books thrown at me and told i was stupid, sent off to extra classes, spending lunctimes in detention trying to understand and figure out ior finish stuff, my parenmts were in and out of the school and tried working with my teachers, no one ever expected me to get anywhere and at the time i really was going no where. at home i was a nightmare, i was rather aggressive, id scream and kick things, throw large objects, kick and hit my parents and stamp my feet on the floor, jumping up and down screaming, doing homework was an all evening task, and it meant screaming rows with my parents as they tried to get me to do the work, or listen or i kept saying i understood because if get in trouble when i didnt undertstand, i couldnt follow anything, especially maths or seuqneces, that or id forget to bring my homework home wioth me. in school i had one freind, i ended up being bullied badly because they said i was stupid. by 7 i was having full blown panic attacks and had a whole array of tics-which everyone thought was an act.
i left my junior school with zero confidence, by this stage id already been molested but thanks to my age was absolutley none the wiser to any of it, the effects of this did not hit me until my late teens. in my new school it was a while before i could look at anyone in the face and i spent most of my time a mute with my head facing the floor. my teachers were amazing though, for once i wasnt the stupid child as there were a lot of disadvantaged and troubled kids there due to the area i was in, so there were a lot that had the same problems. i still had a lot of problems and was staying after class with teachers or in trouble the odd time for not taking down homeworks. also, in this school no one did their homework and got away with it, so i rarley had any to do.
for a breif period it seemed as though things were looking up, i was able to pick subjects i enjoyed all of a sudden, i taught myself new ways of studying with bright colours, maps and diagrams, i managed to to do quite well despite it almost killed me. depression kicked in and i got worse and worse. by this stage i had a severe chip in my shoulder about ever failing anything again, i resorted then to cutting and burning to punish myself for what i couldnt do and force myself to sit down and study.
for my entrance exams into college i ended up repeating every single one in order to get in, and my offer was still conditional. i managed to get in by the skin of my teeth.
im now 20, i have noticed that the small problems that at home was taken care of and subtle have blown up into huge issues. at home i was messy, in my later teens i was still very snappy, i could be lovely and then just snap, among my many psychos, i have broken through the bathroom door, kicked off the skirting boards and trashed the bins(because i was going to fail art), punched my brother and ran after my own mom screaming. at 16 i was sat at the dinner table one night banging the kife and fork because i was so angry. but when i get angry i get so overwhlemed and start to cry, i just feel sooo frustrated.
i have moved out, and with college there are little rules, i dont have to be in class, it requires much more organisation and i am absolutley drowning, im repeating a year again, i have deferred most exams i was ever supposed to take also. my day is chaotic, im constanlty worried im forgetting something yet i am thee worlds biggest procrastinator. my room is a tip, as in i have to climb around the door to get in and out, i can barley walk on the floor, dishes lie for weeks. it is not because im depressed which is what it has been put down to at times(during certain periods i didnt care but other times i just cant keep tidy), i lose everything, forget to contact people, miss classes and i have extreme problems keeping up. my classes are 2 hours long and i find it completley impossible.i arrive behind and then look stupid infront of others because i know nothing or cant remember, interpreting what people say and following an argument is difficult too and i wont contribute in class discussions because of it. i do a constant stream of dozy things, ive posted a letter to an outside bin once, walked away from a cash machine without my cash, the other week i walked into the wrong house and into a girls bedroom were she was standing looking totally freaked out in her pj's.
i have noticed in sports also, im incapable of following a sequence or instruction, it needs to be repeated and spelled out, often im still doing one thing while the others have moved onto something else.
in work im so dozy, i have problems with social situations at times also, i am easily overwhelmed and i find ill eaither say nothing or talk without a breath and not hold back at all. im always after smoke breaks and if i get bored i get very depressed and tearful and think of harming to just stumulate myself. i miss the obvious constantly and have taken in quite a collection of fake cash due to not paying attention also.
i always feel i can never catch up, no matter how hard i try everyone just thinks im flaky, i have learnt now with freinds and family to give off the impression i dont care, im very sarcastic and everyone thinks im so laid back or lazy,that im not bothered that i fail and forget things, but im not, i care deeply and am easily upset with when i fail or just simple things like when i miss out dishes or forget to do something. everyone else can remember what happens in class, to me its just fuzz.
on friday i have an assessment, im very nervous, im not telling anyone im going, i am worried ill just seem lazy or stupid also i dont think anyone would beleive me, theyd just see this as the ultimate excuse. yet, i have had a lot of bad stuff happen that i could easily use as an excuse for every aspect of my life, i could sit on my ass all day on a disability and refuse to move because of my problems, but i dont, i have only told one freind outside docs etc and i never mention my problems nor would i use them as an excuse. i dont know if i have ADD yet if i do itll be bittersweet i suppose. i mean id be upset and therd be a slight dispairing element to it, but also releif and a chance to learnt to manage and i would be very excited to see if a diagnosis/treatment could help me reach my potential. if not, then im stuck and i must just be stupid. im very nervous, i tursy the psychologist to be fair and good, i just dont know what they ask-it lasts 3 hours. can anyone help explainto me what happens in the assessment please?? i dont know wha else to do and am frustrated.
thanks.
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rheanna
10-14-2008, 07:37 AM
pucca_chick,
You are one brave chick indeed -- it takes a lot of bravery to make such big changes in your life! :angel:
Yes, what you are describing does indeed sound like ADD. Please let us know how your evaluation goes.
I am glad that you are working with your doctors to deal with the traumas from your childhood. Please keep in mind that the behaviors you describe are appropriate coping mechanisms when one is faced with threatening situations that one cannot escape from. A child is helpless and develops whatever mechanisms she can to cope. If she doesn't get help, she will carry these coping mechanisms into adulthood, where the behaviors may not be so appropriate or helpful.
But you are making major efforts to learn new ways of dealing with the world and learning to love and value yourself! {{{big cyber hugs}}} :angel:
If you do have ADD, getting treatment for that (coaching and maybe meds) will go a long way towards helping you get past your depression and feelings of floundering in the world. Many of us have felt a great sense of relief when we finally found a label for what is "wrong" with us. Then we can start the process of realizing that there is nothing "wrong" with us, just that we haven't been helped to learn life skills based on our own brain wiring. But with the label comes the chance to approach life in a different way -- and a chance to learn to love and value ourselves.
Again, please let us know how the evaluation goes.
Hugs, Rheanna
You are one brave chick indeed -- it takes a lot of bravery to make such big changes in your life! :angel:
Yes, what you are describing does indeed sound like ADD. Please let us know how your evaluation goes.
I am glad that you are working with your doctors to deal with the traumas from your childhood. Please keep in mind that the behaviors you describe are appropriate coping mechanisms when one is faced with threatening situations that one cannot escape from. A child is helpless and develops whatever mechanisms she can to cope. If she doesn't get help, she will carry these coping mechanisms into adulthood, where the behaviors may not be so appropriate or helpful.
But you are making major efforts to learn new ways of dealing with the world and learning to love and value yourself! {{{big cyber hugs}}} :angel:
If you do have ADD, getting treatment for that (coaching and maybe meds) will go a long way towards helping you get past your depression and feelings of floundering in the world. Many of us have felt a great sense of relief when we finally found a label for what is "wrong" with us. Then we can start the process of realizing that there is nothing "wrong" with us, just that we haven't been helped to learn life skills based on our own brain wiring. But with the label comes the chance to approach life in a different way -- and a chance to learn to love and value ourselves.
Again, please let us know how the evaluation goes.
Hugs, Rheanna
chasinroses
10-31-2008, 01:16 AM
Hey chick, what you described is to some extent what many of us have gone through prior to being diagnosed.
You already know that being diagnosed is going to be bitter sweet, so you are one step a head of the game, use that knowledge. I myself didn't realize being diagnosed would have that effect on me, it unfortunately took me completely by surprise.
You mentioned that you haven't discussed this with friends aside from one. I myself have found that the more I talk about it the more I learn. It's kinda the same concept of when you think something in your head and then you say it outloud and you're like "that made no sense what so ever!" Don't get me wrong, my friends don't have ADD, so they do their best to understand, but sometimes it isn't real clear to them. I don't talk to them about it just for their sake though, I do it for my own as well. It's just something to think about.
May god strike me dead for being such a hipocrite (spelling????), BUT you can't do it alone. You are not a rock or an island (I borrowed that from some band from the 70's). LOL my therapist would pee himself laughing at the thought of ME of all people saying that you can't do it alone. I still struggle with asking and letting people help me, however, I am getting better at it and I can see the wisdom in it, I'm not a rock either. I guess that' why I am on here.
My assessment didn't take anywhere near 3 hours, it was about an hour. I went in the shrink asked me some questions, took a history, had me do some tests and then assessed it right then. It was painless.
You have had a lot put on your plate starting at a young age. I understand you don't want to use that as an excuse, so don't. Deal with it as you are, in therapy, continuing to recognize the areas that you feel are needing some investment of time, but also accept that there is not such thing as "normal".
In the end if your dorm is a mess oh well, learn how to complete the tasks that need to be completed first and deal with the others later. (eg. School assignment or dishes). You manage to get up, brush your teeth, take a shower, eat, go to the bathroom, etc right, so you will learn how to complete the other tasks in life as well, like dishes, putting away clothes etc.
Give yourself the respect not to be perfect but the belief you can move forward from where you are to where you want to be. You may feel that you have made some mistakes, but if you are recognizing them as such then you have already learned from them.
Remember if you are diagnosed with ADD it's not an overnight fix, it will give you the batteries to turn on the light so you can find your way out of the maze.
I just want to finish with you ARE NOT lazy, crazy or stupid!!!!! :nono:
L
You already know that being diagnosed is going to be bitter sweet, so you are one step a head of the game, use that knowledge. I myself didn't realize being diagnosed would have that effect on me, it unfortunately took me completely by surprise.
You mentioned that you haven't discussed this with friends aside from one. I myself have found that the more I talk about it the more I learn. It's kinda the same concept of when you think something in your head and then you say it outloud and you're like "that made no sense what so ever!" Don't get me wrong, my friends don't have ADD, so they do their best to understand, but sometimes it isn't real clear to them. I don't talk to them about it just for their sake though, I do it for my own as well. It's just something to think about.
May god strike me dead for being such a hipocrite (spelling????), BUT you can't do it alone. You are not a rock or an island (I borrowed that from some band from the 70's). LOL my therapist would pee himself laughing at the thought of ME of all people saying that you can't do it alone. I still struggle with asking and letting people help me, however, I am getting better at it and I can see the wisdom in it, I'm not a rock either. I guess that' why I am on here.
My assessment didn't take anywhere near 3 hours, it was about an hour. I went in the shrink asked me some questions, took a history, had me do some tests and then assessed it right then. It was painless.
You have had a lot put on your plate starting at a young age. I understand you don't want to use that as an excuse, so don't. Deal with it as you are, in therapy, continuing to recognize the areas that you feel are needing some investment of time, but also accept that there is not such thing as "normal".
In the end if your dorm is a mess oh well, learn how to complete the tasks that need to be completed first and deal with the others later. (eg. School assignment or dishes). You manage to get up, brush your teeth, take a shower, eat, go to the bathroom, etc right, so you will learn how to complete the other tasks in life as well, like dishes, putting away clothes etc.
Give yourself the respect not to be perfect but the belief you can move forward from where you are to where you want to be. You may feel that you have made some mistakes, but if you are recognizing them as such then you have already learned from them.
Remember if you are diagnosed with ADD it's not an overnight fix, it will give you the batteries to turn on the light so you can find your way out of the maze.
I just want to finish with you ARE NOT lazy, crazy or stupid!!!!! :nono:
L