I have suffered from anxiety attacks before, when my Mom was dying. Now I feel like they are back. I just moved to a new state, sold my childhood home, and am going thru infertility. I don't think I can take it. I feel like such a whimp. I miss my family and friends. You guys are my only support system.

I think my anxiety is getting worse because I have to face the beta blood test. I fear another BFN which means more fertility treatments. Which I am hating. Does anyone else feel resentful and angry? Sometimes I secretly look at my DH and say it is not fair I have to do all this. He just has to jerk off in a cup. I know if I told him he would say "then stop". But I don't know if I can stop.

I lost my Mom to ovarian cancer and I worry that the drugs are making my already increased chance of ovarian cancer worse. Am I risking my life to be a mother? My husband has to travel next month and I can't do anything if I get the BFN so maybe I should look at this as a welcome break to get my self together. I can't stand this roller coaster ride. The trip down is always really low.

Thanks for letting me vent. I also had a good cry writing this and that always makes me feel better. I think I will go take a shower and try to do something fun with my DH.

Awww Tina - I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I too feel that the only true support besides my DH are these boards. Sure, I have friends (not as many here here - we moved here too from another state) but they just don't understand what it is to go through something as draining as this. Its nice to be able to share your struggles with women who are in the same boat. I really don't even talk to my Mom about this because she has never really posed an interest in this part of my life. I'm not sure if she doesn't ask how things go because she doesn't want to upset me? I do know that though that when I hurt, she hurts. I'm sure that your mother is looking down at you from heaven and holding you in her arms to comfort you. Remember that dream you had? Because I surely do. Its gonna happen, Tina! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif You stay strong and remember that its okay to feel this way - that is why these boards are here - so we can all listen and reach out to you to give you big hugs.

http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/heart.gif Lisa



[This message has been edited by mommawannabee (edited 05-03-2003).]

Lisa, You are such a sweetheart. Thank you for making me feel better. I did take that shower and my dh took me to lunch and now we are going to go shopping. I keep feeling nauseous today hoping it is because I am pregnant and not because I ate McDonald's last night.
I am sending you a big thanks (((((((hug)))))))
Tina

I"m so happy you are feeling better! And I'm hoping that nausea is caused by a pregnancy vs McDonalds! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif I'm thinking of you! When do you test?

Tina,
I'm sorry you're having anxiety attacks. You know we're here for you. Hopefully your nausea is related to pgc but it might also be anxiety, and still not McDs. Though high fat stuff does have a tendency to cause some intestinal distress, at least with me, but I still can't stay away from it. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/wink.gif
As for increasing your odds of cancer, I don't know what the rates are or anything. I do know with as frequently as we go to the doctor and with getting ultrasounds and blood tests, something would have to be seriously not right for them to not catch something going wrong, especially with your increased risk factor. If, God forbid, anything were to happen, they'd most certainly catch it early. Rest easy about that. There are so many other things that I just know are on your mind, I can't say, don't worry, but put that one in a filing cabinet far far away.
I'm praying for a BFP for you, when do you test?
With regards to your anger and frustration, hell yeah, I resent these stupid women smoking and drinking that get pregnant with no problem. I get so jealous when I hear of one more family member or friend that got pregnant with no effort. I can't even stomach the thought of someone getting an abortion. But I know that we are all going to be that much better mothers because we want our babies so badly. God is certainly preparing us to be wonderful mothers. When we do get peeved, scares, stressed, whatever we come here to vent, to cry, and to laugh. You may feel lonely there in GA, but you're not alone, you're never alone. If you feel we and DH are all you have, well, then, I can't argue, sometimes I feel that myself. But that's why we're here for you. There is so much support here, you're not alone.
I find myself talking about you girls everyday to my friends and family, anyone who will listen, and thanking God for you everyday too!
I'm praying for your stress level to decrease and for a BFP!
Cathy

Cathy, Lisa- Thank you both so much. My blood test is wed but I may do a test at home tomorrow. I know it may not be acurate. I think I may just have a bug. My back hurts, I have no appetite, nausea, chills, tired. My dh thinks I am pregnant and I fear I may disappoint him even more. My nipples hurt too. I am also getting what feels like menstral cramps. So I am pretty confused as to what is going on. DH and I are going to relax on our big comfy couch tonight and cuddle until bed. I think if these symptoms are due to pregnancy than the Hcg hormone should show in a urnie test.

PS- My kitty came home from the hospital yesterday in guarded condition. He needs lots of TLC and we are hoping he will pull thru. My dh thinks since he is like my baby this is added more stress. I hope my kitty makes it.

Thanks for being there you gals are the best!!!!!!!

Take it easy babe,
Both you and your kitty should spend the evening camped out on the couch snuggling!
Take care!
C

Tina,

Try to keep your chin up.... I think we have all been there some point in time. We think we can't take a break b/c what if those months were the only months that we could have conceived and if we take a break we will miss them...but you won't. If it is meant to be it will happen! May be not this month...or next month, but it will, probably when you least expect it.

You should talk to your doctor about taking some nerve medicine. I suffer from anxiety and after I decided to take a break the doc put me paxell to help me out and it works. It just takes the edge off and if you do get pg you can gov off it and it won't hurt anything.

I also know what you mean about getting frustrated with DH...it sucks being the one with the problem. I am horrible, when they said DH's sperm count was great I almost got angry, not so much with him, but just with everything.. It was like why does it have to be all my fault we can't have a child together, why can't it be 50/50, nope it has to be 100/0 with all of it bieng my problem. It just isn't fair.

Sorry to hear about losing your mom. I can't say I know how that feels but I am sure it is horrific and heartbreaking. Only you can make the decision as to whether or not the fertility drugs are worth it.

Keep you chin up adn I hope this month is the month and then you won't have to worry about it any more.

Amy

Tina - we all love you and want you to be happy. Your DH loves you, no matter what happens with IVF. I know that you really want a pregnancy out of all this - I've got my beta test in a couple of weeks, and I'm also worried and scared.

DH and I decided last week that whatever happens with IVF, we'll try to make our lives full and happy, even without children. It was scary to face up to the fact that we may never be able to have children, but we started making plans for if IVF doesn't work: where we would live, how we would deal with siblings having kids, what we would say when people ask "So when are you having kids then?". Once we started thinking about a life without children, then the future didn't seem so sad and scary. Please don't think that I'm saying "You shouldn't care about getting pregnant". We all want our dream of children and I'm praying for it to happen. But you can have a life, a good life, without children. You just have to be brave about planning it.

Maybe you and DH should plan something nice for the future, like a fun trip next weekend and a great holiday for summertime. Is it time for you to go on a shopping trip?!

I've decided to fit IVF round my life from now onwards, not the other way round. Let's see how that works out.

Love and ((hugs)) to you and your feline baby!
LC

(((((( TEENER )))))))

I have had anxiety attacks before and THEY SUCK !
Was on meds for them many moons ago . What helps me now is knowing what they are + reminding myself that it will pass + I can get through this + will not die in the process .
I too lost my mom to lung cancer - she died a little over 2 years ago after a long ugly battle . I too have concerns over the drugs . I can understand you concerns because you mom's cancer was ovarian.
I spoke to my RE about it . He said as long as there are not alot of cycles where you are overstimulating and producing LOTS of eggs chances of doing damage are low . How long ago did your mom pass away ? How long ago did you move ? both events are WAY up there on the life stress scale . the medical community says stress does not cause infertility ,infertility causes stress . I beg to differ . We have been TTC through out my mothers illness . I was so depressed + stressed the whole time , I was constantly run down and constantly getting sick . Now my body and my mind are slowy healing - I hope this healing process will help us conceive. I am so sorry you are lonely. This board helps me . I don't want to keep *****ing to my fertile friends and DH cause they are getting sick of it . Good luck to you - you have friends here.
Old Flo


[This message has been edited by old flo 1 (edited 05-04-2003).]

Thank you all so much. Your kind words are a lifesaver. I will try to answer some of your questions. My Mom passed away 7 yrs ago on May 18th. So her anniversary is coming up. I think every year my body relives the trauma. I just moved about 3 months ago. Giving up a GREAT job in NYC as well as my childhood home which I bought from my Dad after my Mom died.

I took a urine test today and it is negative. I am alright with it. Next month my husband has to travel for business for the last 2wks of May so I will not be able to do IUI this month. I have to say I am a little relieved. I feel I need a break. After my blood test on wed confirms my negative I will make an appoint with the RE and Dh to discuss my course of action. Then sit back and try to relax this month and not pee on sticks, and time intercourse and feel yucky on clomid. I will let my mind and my body be.

I may just try IUI a few more times and if it doesn't work I may just let it be. I don't think I can handle IVF. I may just try to adopt a child if IUI does not work. But, I will never say never.

Thanks again for all your support it means the world to me. (((((hugs))))) to you all.

Tina--I am so sorry you are feeling like that. I am upset tonight too, because I was supposed to get that Beta test tomorrow. I have had bad cramps all day. Now tonight, I am starting to have the day before AF starts, crap, with light spotting. I didn't think I would be this upset because I tried not to get my hopes up this month. I don't know what is wrong with me! I had 4 good sized follicles, and then bam, I get AF. I don't know what to do anymore either. I am not feeling positive at all now. I am starting to think that maybe we should look into adoption. I don't know how many cycles of clomid you are supposed to take. I don't want to take too many if it is a possiblity of more ovarian problems. My DH wants us to try another month with IUI/Clomid, so I guess we will try again this month. If nothing happens then, we are taking a break for a month or two. I know he can't stand to see me so upset a lot of the time. Well, I just wanted you to know that I have been thinking about you and wanted to update everyone about my cycle. Hang in there! I think I will go take a shower and cry my eyes out! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/heart.gif Jen

Oh Jen- I am so sad to hear about you. Have your self a good cry you will feel better. I had a major mental meltdown today and it broke my anxiety attack. I also had along talk with my DH. Yesterday we were married only 18 months. Having to move away and go thru infertility all in the first 18 months of marriage has been rough. But I can tell you we are definately going to be married for life. He has been great thru this.

Anyway, I think I am going to take a month off and then try 2 more months of IUI w/clomid. I am setting up an appt with the RE to see if he thinks up to 6 cycles would be ok. I am scared to death of IVF. I am hoping if he goes over it with me I can think about it and maybe try it once. But when I think about it I have an anxiety attack so I think I am not ready.

In the meantime to be proactive I am going to research adoption agencys. I looked into a good one down here and we don't qualify you have to be married 3yr and under age 45. When we are married 3 yrs my husband will turn 45 30days after our 3 wedding anniversary. I sometimes feel we are hitting obstacles ever where we turn. But I am not ready to give up and neither are you. If you need a break take it. I am sure your hubby will understand. I hope you are feeling better remember the clomid clouds your judgement and your emotions. Let me know how your feeling tomorrow. Sometimes things feel better in a new light