maybecrazy
10-31-2008, 10:24 PM
HI Everyone,
it's coming up to the anniversary of what happened to me to cause ptsd - there seems to be a clock in my head that kicks in every october and counts down to the date in novemeber - I have tried not thinking about it and keeping busy but it keeps coming back - i have tried thinking it through and saying ok what is my mind trying to teach me - but i get nowhere - except more and more tired - i feel exhausted :( and I dont seem to be able to stop it - it's wearing me out.
Everyone else at work has forgotten about it - of the people that were there that day one has left one is on six months leave and one does mainly nights now - i have been hit by patients before - they were confused and didnt know what they were doing - i accept that and could let it go - but this guy knew what he was doing and meant us harm ( i am trying not to trigger anyone so forgive me if i seem vague) and i cant seem to be able to let that go - and people tell me they had things thrown at them and got sworn at and they forgot it and i should let it go - and i have when that has been done in the past but this is different - he knew what he was doing - sorry i am going round in circles and rabbiting on a bit - how do you deal with anniversaries? last hyear I took a cake to work didnt tell them why but tried to make it a good day - this year seems so much darker.....anyway take care MBC
it's coming up to the anniversary of what happened to me to cause ptsd - there seems to be a clock in my head that kicks in every october and counts down to the date in novemeber - I have tried not thinking about it and keeping busy but it keeps coming back - i have tried thinking it through and saying ok what is my mind trying to teach me - but i get nowhere - except more and more tired - i feel exhausted :( and I dont seem to be able to stop it - it's wearing me out.
Everyone else at work has forgotten about it - of the people that were there that day one has left one is on six months leave and one does mainly nights now - i have been hit by patients before - they were confused and didnt know what they were doing - i accept that and could let it go - but this guy knew what he was doing and meant us harm ( i am trying not to trigger anyone so forgive me if i seem vague) and i cant seem to be able to let that go - and people tell me they had things thrown at them and got sworn at and they forgot it and i should let it go - and i have when that has been done in the past but this is different - he knew what he was doing - sorry i am going round in circles and rabbiting on a bit - how do you deal with anniversaries? last hyear I took a cake to work didnt tell them why but tried to make it a good day - this year seems so much darker.....anyway take care MBC
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isitme
11-07-2008, 02:27 PM
I know it's so easy for people on the outside to say 'get over it.'
If only it were that simple, eh?
You are in my thoughts, as you all are......... struggling along. Not much consolation, but as you know, after the anniversary, it will become a little better. And why say nothing to your collegues? Shame? defeat? I have been in that mode for years. If anyone thinks less of me for the problems I have, then that is their problem, not mine. (hey, I can't even pinpoint where/why this has happened to me).:confused:
If only it were that simple, eh?
You are in my thoughts, as you all are......... struggling along. Not much consolation, but as you know, after the anniversary, it will become a little better. And why say nothing to your collegues? Shame? defeat? I have been in that mode for years. If anyone thinks less of me for the problems I have, then that is their problem, not mine. (hey, I can't even pinpoint where/why this has happened to me).:confused:
maybecrazy
11-08-2008, 02:04 AM
[QUOTE=isitme;3785816]why say nothing to your collegues? Shame? defeat?
Hi Isitme,
You hit the nail right on the head , it's both of those, I am ashamed that I havnt got over it by now and that small things still affect me in a big way, I am ashamed that i havnt learned enough through therapy and reading books to have gotten over and beyond this, i know i give others a break where i give myself none and I am trying to be kinder to myself but I find myself constantly disapointed with myself. My therapist would say remember you're not superman! but maybe I could be wonderwoman! :) I'm just very tired because im not sleeping well and as you say after the anniv I should be better than now - I just wish it was over. And yes I feel defeated that I instantly go into countdown from October on till the day in Nov when it happened - it's frustrating and I wish i could stop it!:mad:
Take care everyone MBC
Hi Isitme,
You hit the nail right on the head , it's both of those, I am ashamed that I havnt got over it by now and that small things still affect me in a big way, I am ashamed that i havnt learned enough through therapy and reading books to have gotten over and beyond this, i know i give others a break where i give myself none and I am trying to be kinder to myself but I find myself constantly disapointed with myself. My therapist would say remember you're not superman! but maybe I could be wonderwoman! :) I'm just very tired because im not sleeping well and as you say after the anniv I should be better than now - I just wish it was over. And yes I feel defeated that I instantly go into countdown from October on till the day in Nov when it happened - it's frustrating and I wish i could stop it!:mad:
Take care everyone MBC
isitme
11-09-2008, 08:24 AM
I've been learning for years. This site for 2 years and another site for a year prior to this. There's so much stuff to work THROUGH, not deny or avoid, which is how I've coped in the past. We will all recover in our own time. I've been at the 'frustation stage' for far too long!
maybecrazy
11-09-2008, 06:39 PM
I hope you get through the frustration stage soon its a hard place to be- take care and thanks
MBC (2 weeks till Anniv - wish me luck)
MBC (2 weeks till Anniv - wish me luck)
maybecrazy
11-21-2008, 06:14 PM
its two days to go till anniv and i feel like my body has gone onto high alert - I feel like i am ready to run at the slightest movement and tears keep coming to my eyes - I feel like if i started crying i would never be able to stop - i have work this afternoon and i dont know if i can do this anymore, I feel like i am on the edge of a cliff - one small step and i wil fall into darkness ....
i am trying and will keep trying my relaxation techniques and i know i will get through this because i have to - i did it last year and i was in a much worse place then - i just have to stop being so weak and get it over and done with - 2 days and it will be past again and next year must be - will be better than this - sorry just had to get the words out that are racing around in my head.
Take care MBC
i am trying and will keep trying my relaxation techniques and i know i will get through this because i have to - i did it last year and i was in a much worse place then - i just have to stop being so weak and get it over and done with - 2 days and it will be past again and next year must be - will be better than this - sorry just had to get the words out that are racing around in my head.
Take care MBC
isitme
11-24-2008, 07:19 PM
its two days to go till anniv and i feel like my body has gone onto high alert - I feel like i am ready to run at the slightest movement and tears keep coming to my eyes - I feel like if i started crying i would never be able to stop
i have to stop being so weak Take care MBC
How are you feeling now? We all know that place. I hope it has passed.
MBC - You are NOT weak. It is a high mountain we all have to climb and it gets tough, but we are winning, slowly but surely. I know I'm up for the fight, no matter how scary, how dark, how long...........I will overcome and so will you. :)
i have to stop being so weak Take care MBC
How are you feeling now? We all know that place. I hope it has passed.
MBC - You are NOT weak. It is a high mountain we all have to climb and it gets tough, but we are winning, slowly but surely. I know I'm up for the fight, no matter how scary, how dark, how long...........I will overcome and so will you. :)
maybecrazy
11-25-2008, 06:57 PM
thanks isitme,
its over for another year - maybe next year will be better - funny (not!) the day before and the days after were/are worse than the day - on the day I was hypervigilant and I could feel the adrenaline going all i wanted to do was run for a s long as I could away from everything - but i kept it under control - threw myself into my work and as soon as I got home took my sleeping tabs and anti-d and that took me off to sleep - the day before was like being in a whirlwind - thoughts racing around my head - unable to think clearly - on autopilot - found myself driving too fast - I think i just wanted the day not to come - the day after was worse - I wanted it to be over - I wanted to wake up and it be over - and it wasnt (of course) and I was angry with myself for not being better - for not doing better - for failing another year to get "fixed" - I've done everything ive been asked to do - I'm just too dumb to make it work -
had an appt with the work psyche to talk about the stupid locker thing and couldnt be still- couldnt sit down had to keep pacing :mad: ive tried all the relaxation/distraction/????? techniques and I JUST WANT IT TO STOP! but i Kknow in my heart it wont - that this is something I have to go through to get to the other side ................. I'm just tired - things will be ok - take care MBC
ps I think I must still believe in fairies - you know the toothe fairy, the PTSD fairy - that's the one that comes in the night and takes your PTSD away - :) think she's lost my address - or its a guy and he doesnt want to stop and ask for directions LOL :)
its over for another year - maybe next year will be better - funny (not!) the day before and the days after were/are worse than the day - on the day I was hypervigilant and I could feel the adrenaline going all i wanted to do was run for a s long as I could away from everything - but i kept it under control - threw myself into my work and as soon as I got home took my sleeping tabs and anti-d and that took me off to sleep - the day before was like being in a whirlwind - thoughts racing around my head - unable to think clearly - on autopilot - found myself driving too fast - I think i just wanted the day not to come - the day after was worse - I wanted it to be over - I wanted to wake up and it be over - and it wasnt (of course) and I was angry with myself for not being better - for not doing better - for failing another year to get "fixed" - I've done everything ive been asked to do - I'm just too dumb to make it work -
had an appt with the work psyche to talk about the stupid locker thing and couldnt be still- couldnt sit down had to keep pacing :mad: ive tried all the relaxation/distraction/????? techniques and I JUST WANT IT TO STOP! but i Kknow in my heart it wont - that this is something I have to go through to get to the other side ................. I'm just tired - things will be ok - take care MBC
ps I think I must still believe in fairies - you know the toothe fairy, the PTSD fairy - that's the one that comes in the night and takes your PTSD away - :) think she's lost my address - or its a guy and he doesnt want to stop and ask for directions LOL :)
isitme
11-26-2008, 06:34 AM
thanks isitme,
had an appt with the work psyche to talk about the stupid locker thing and couldnt be still- couldnt sit down had to keep pacing :mad: ive tried all the relaxation/distraction/????? techniques and I JUST WANT IT TO STOP! but i Kknow in my heart it wont - that this is something I have to go through to get to the other side ................. I'm just tired - things will be ok - take care MBC
ps I think I must still believe in fairies - you know the toothe fairy, the PTSD fairy - that's the one that comes in the night and takes your PTSD away - :) think she's lost my address - or its a guy and he doesnt want to stop and ask for directions LOL :)
Frustration, frustration, frustration. We all want it to stop. I hate being in hypervigiant mode too. It WILL stop one day. Maybe we need a little more patience. And you're not dumb. Sometimes it just seems like too much effort. Every time try and fail, try and fail.......then declare defeat........that is when ptsd has won..............And I won't allow that to happen to me..........and I won't allow it to happen to you either. Keep fighting. Punch ptsd in the nose. I believe in the ptsd fairy. She doesn't do home delivery.........so I went out and found her instead. :jester: And you know where I found her...........in my brain!! I've served her with her eviction order and she's packing right now. ;)
had an appt with the work psyche to talk about the stupid locker thing and couldnt be still- couldnt sit down had to keep pacing :mad: ive tried all the relaxation/distraction/????? techniques and I JUST WANT IT TO STOP! but i Kknow in my heart it wont - that this is something I have to go through to get to the other side ................. I'm just tired - things will be ok - take care MBC
ps I think I must still believe in fairies - you know the toothe fairy, the PTSD fairy - that's the one that comes in the night and takes your PTSD away - :) think she's lost my address - or its a guy and he doesnt want to stop and ask for directions LOL :)
Frustration, frustration, frustration. We all want it to stop. I hate being in hypervigiant mode too. It WILL stop one day. Maybe we need a little more patience. And you're not dumb. Sometimes it just seems like too much effort. Every time try and fail, try and fail.......then declare defeat........that is when ptsd has won..............And I won't allow that to happen to me..........and I won't allow it to happen to you either. Keep fighting. Punch ptsd in the nose. I believe in the ptsd fairy. She doesn't do home delivery.........so I went out and found her instead. :jester: And you know where I found her...........in my brain!! I've served her with her eviction order and she's packing right now. ;)
maybecrazy
11-27-2008, 03:40 AM
thanks isitme, you made me smile, :) think i'll give my fairy an eviction notice too! maybe they can flatshare in some crocodile infested swamp! :)
still cant stay still in my head - want to run but my bodies not built for speed ha ha! :) funny my head want to run and hide and my body just wants to sleep :(
take care MBC
still cant stay still in my head - want to run but my bodies not built for speed ha ha! :) funny my head want to run and hide and my body just wants to sleep :(
take care MBC
isitme
12-03-2008, 05:47 AM
Are you winning the fight, mbc?
maybecrazy
12-03-2008, 09:37 PM
HI Isitme,
I seem to be in the centre of the storm at the moment - you know where it's all quiet an still - I have had the flu and been bedbound for the last 4 days - had some really strange dreams - and maybe sorted some things out !
1 crazy dream helped me see where i am now - someone was blocking my way to get across a bridge to where i wanted to be and at first he looked like a superhero and i thought he just wnated to keep me safe - then he turned into a monster when i tried to get by him and i realised it was my ptsd that was stopping me - but then a funny thing happened - when i went to touch this HUGE scary monster it turned into a mirror and i saw the thing stoppng me from getting better is ... well .... me! part of me thinks that its safer to be always on alert because i can look after EVERYONE (dumb I know) and myself and keep them safe and stop what happened from happening again - and that part of me wont let go -and I dont know how to make it let go - its so much stronger than i am - so im here in the silence waiting for the eye of the storm to pass and to fall back into chaos
I seem to be in the centre of the storm at the moment - you know where it's all quiet an still - I have had the flu and been bedbound for the last 4 days - had some really strange dreams - and maybe sorted some things out !
1 crazy dream helped me see where i am now - someone was blocking my way to get across a bridge to where i wanted to be and at first he looked like a superhero and i thought he just wnated to keep me safe - then he turned into a monster when i tried to get by him and i realised it was my ptsd that was stopping me - but then a funny thing happened - when i went to touch this HUGE scary monster it turned into a mirror and i saw the thing stoppng me from getting better is ... well .... me! part of me thinks that its safer to be always on alert because i can look after EVERYONE (dumb I know) and myself and keep them safe and stop what happened from happening again - and that part of me wont let go -and I dont know how to make it let go - its so much stronger than i am - so im here in the silence waiting for the eye of the storm to pass and to fall back into chaos
isitme
12-04-2008, 05:16 AM
HI Isitme,
i saw the thing stoppng me from getting better is ... well .... me!
WOW. That is some statement you made there.
I am so thrilled for you. And now you know that IT IS YOU, as I knew it was me. (I gave myself the "isitme" name for a reason ;)) there is no stopping you from getting through this. Now is the time to truly believe improvements are possible, knock down all the obstacles that you have put in the way, ( eg - hypervigialance) and then the lost you will be found again.
I am so happy for you. Hugs. :)
i saw the thing stoppng me from getting better is ... well .... me!
WOW. That is some statement you made there.
I am so thrilled for you. And now you know that IT IS YOU, as I knew it was me. (I gave myself the "isitme" name for a reason ;)) there is no stopping you from getting through this. Now is the time to truly believe improvements are possible, knock down all the obstacles that you have put in the way, ( eg - hypervigialance) and then the lost you will be found again.
I am so happy for you. Hugs. :)
maybecrazy
12-04-2008, 09:29 PM
thanks isitme, any idea how I fight me? and win?
craftygirl3
12-16-2008, 05:08 AM
I had a dream one night. huge stairs and cat walks at the top my mother's place. I trudged up to what seemed like forever. went it and she started giving me all of her clothes out of her closet, all of them had all her pain sewn in. much more than I could ever carry. she started piling my up and I stopped her I took a couple of things, and told her that they were hers not mine, and she wasn't going to pass them on to me. I left and started to climb down the climb became hot and I was miserable, and the clothes just kept getting heavier, so I would stop and discard them a piece here and there. I got to the bottom and there was a river clear and cold. I climbed in the river and took off the rest of the clothes and let them float down river, till all that was left was just me and my body. I looked into the water at my reflection, and it was smiling at me so I smiled back. I climbed out and started walking away naked and clean down a road I had never been down.
Just goes to show that you can do therapy anywhere.
anniversaries. most of the months have something for me, worst in Nov & Dec.
I acknowledge then, then give them no power, it has been years since and not even a year in some cases. it has taken allot of work. I don't discount what happened, and the hold it has on you MBC.
treat it with what it deserves, and treat yourself with what you deserve.
do what you need. take the time to grieve and do what you need to.
You are strong, a survivor.
I can't say it will get easier quickly, it has for me, over time.
My wish for you is that it will get easier more quickly.
hang in there. hope this made sense.:dizzy:
Can't win what you have already won.
Just goes to show that you can do therapy anywhere.
anniversaries. most of the months have something for me, worst in Nov & Dec.
I acknowledge then, then give them no power, it has been years since and not even a year in some cases. it has taken allot of work. I don't discount what happened, and the hold it has on you MBC.
treat it with what it deserves, and treat yourself with what you deserve.
do what you need. take the time to grieve and do what you need to.
You are strong, a survivor.
I can't say it will get easier quickly, it has for me, over time.
My wish for you is that it will get easier more quickly.
hang in there. hope this made sense.:dizzy:
Can't win what you have already won.
maybecrazy
12-16-2008, 08:41 PM
thanks craftygirl3,
that was some dream you had - I guess our mind gives us clues along the way when we need them -
strangely it was after the anniv that was the worst for me - that was (i am sure) the time in my mind i had decided it would be over - and it wasnt (surprise surprise) it was almost like i struggling to get out of my skin - to run away from me and PTSD i guess - but there is no lace to run to and i have this fight over and over on and off all the time - i work hard to get "better" then I fall back into "cant stand it want it over now " mode and that is dangerous for me - but i survive and that is enough
I told my T about this yesterday - the dream i had - i was also more open than i have been - (thats always hard for me) i let her know about the storm i stand in and how i am having trouble keeping on my feet - i think it helped just to say it - hopefuly i can move on from here - we are going to do EMDR next time i go - keep your fingers crossed for me. MBC
that was some dream you had - I guess our mind gives us clues along the way when we need them -
strangely it was after the anniv that was the worst for me - that was (i am sure) the time in my mind i had decided it would be over - and it wasnt (surprise surprise) it was almost like i struggling to get out of my skin - to run away from me and PTSD i guess - but there is no lace to run to and i have this fight over and over on and off all the time - i work hard to get "better" then I fall back into "cant stand it want it over now " mode and that is dangerous for me - but i survive and that is enough
I told my T about this yesterday - the dream i had - i was also more open than i have been - (thats always hard for me) i let her know about the storm i stand in and how i am having trouble keeping on my feet - i think it helped just to say it - hopefuly i can move on from here - we are going to do EMDR next time i go - keep your fingers crossed for me. MBC
craftygirl3
12-16-2008, 11:26 PM
MBC,
if EMDR works then do it, if not keep looking. there is something out there that will help.
I believe any problem that I have, or will have, that someone, somewhere in history has had it and beaten it. My parents and all of the other had to of learn that stuff from somewhere.
I am breaking the cycle. I may not have a child of my own, I have me.
hang in there!:wave:
cg3
if EMDR works then do it, if not keep looking. there is something out there that will help.
I believe any problem that I have, or will have, that someone, somewhere in history has had it and beaten it. My parents and all of the other had to of learn that stuff from somewhere.
I am breaking the cycle. I may not have a child of my own, I have me.
hang in there!:wave:
cg3
maybecrazy
12-17-2008, 05:27 PM
thanks CG3,
I think i am finally able to accept when something doesnt work that its not always my fault - maybe it just wasnt the right thing for me -and i am trying to ask for and accept help when i need it from wherever it is available- that's a major step for me - stay well and take care :) MBC
I think i am finally able to accept when something doesnt work that its not always my fault - maybe it just wasnt the right thing for me -and i am trying to ask for and accept help when i need it from wherever it is available- that's a major step for me - stay well and take care :) MBC
mod-anon
01-13-2009, 08:42 AM
Wrenrobin,
I've started another thread for you and moved your post to:
"I can't forgive"
I've started another thread for you and moved your post to:
"I can't forgive"
Wrenrobin
01-14-2009, 02:56 PM
Sometimes the years seem darker right around your anniversary. My anniversary from when it started is March and I am already starting to feel nervous and worried. I get the shakes around this time a year. The best thing I can do is exercise. I need to do it more but sometimes I just run and run and run. I am running away and toward my goal at the same time. I also am starting jiu-jitsu. Its not violent it makes me feel empowered I don't fight I go through the exercises and I feel stronger. Video games also help for me if you're less mobile. I play strategy games and rpgs. It helps to have a story you are involved in so you can forget about the bad things. I hope this helps.
maybecrazy
01-15-2009, 07:04 PM
those are good suggestions wrenrobin - thanks MBC:)